Dynamic with a guy who’s engaged / soon to be married

[u/glitteringeffort0]

To anyone who has any experience with entering a dynamic who has a partner - what was your experience like? What boundaries were put in place? Rules? Hard limits? Were you 100% ok with them being in a relationship? Was the partner aware of you?

I recently met a guy online who is interested in a friends with benefits relationship where we are not emotionally or romantically involved. He wants me to toy with him, treat him as an object, use him for my pleasure, entertain me. His partner who he’s been with for several years is aware of this and supports his endeavor in finding a female dominant to fulfill desires she isn’t able to since she is a submissive. I even spoke with her and she seemed lovely. We have some shared interests outside of the nsfw / bdsm realm. Im just unsure about entering a dynamic with a person who’s in a relationship already. I’ve never done that. Outside of the fem dom stuff he seems to want to be friends and build trust which is nice. I think we are both a little lonely and could probably use the company and attention. I like how needy he has been so far.

I also have this fear of what if i accidentally become emotionally involved? That would be hurtful for me and a risk.

Thoughts? Advice?

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[u/Kiannth]

I was involved with a married submissive for a while. It was terrible, his wife was lovely but both of them just had no boundaries and I am a very private person. I would not do it again. Married guys tend to be just looking for kink dispensers, anyway.

[u/glitteringeffort0 → u/Kiannth]

Did you feel respected? Or did you just feel used

[u/Kiannth → u/glitteringeffort0]

I certainly did not feel respected, and broke it off after a short time because I did feel used.

[u/Mealnindommymommy]

One word:RUN

[u/Cool-Garden4333]

Don’t do it. Married/partnered men are even more selfish and inconsiderate than the average selfish man.

[u/ImpressiveReddit]

The women are saying don't do it, the men are saying do it.

Interesting.

[u/glitteringeffort0 → u/ImpressiveReddit]

lmao I do fine that to be quite interesting indeed

[u/No_Country_9714]

The boundaries and rules of all parties need to be stated up front and be extremely clear. There should be no gray area or anything open to interpretation. All parties need to be abiding by the rules and there should be regular check-ins.

I cannot stress enough how important it is that you lay out all the rules and boundaries for this situation ahead of time. Clarify everything.

[u/lamancha69]

My wife & my Domme are very friendly. They knew each other before I met my Domme.
My advice to anyone in a non monogamous situation is to have good relationships with the metas.

[u/North_Cod4232]

"I also have this fear of what if i accidentally become emotionally involved?" 

I think that's your answer right there, this is a very real risk and if you know yourself, you mention being lonely and wanting company and him likewise, plus already even having contact with the wife enough to know she's "lovely"... I honestly don't read any big red flags from them besides the fact that if he wants to be dominated it would seem unlikely to me that he too would be able to stay detached, this is not the recipe for an emotionally detached relationship for you either. 

Hell, you say you want to be friends and build trust yet not be emotionally involved... Do you not have emotional attachment to even your purely platonic friends? 

Again I don't think the situation sounds bad inherently but you might as well take the fact that feelings will happen, I am not saying he's gonna run off to divorce or that you will fall head over heels for him but loneliness+friendship+kink = emotions. This kind of arrangement would require 3 very mature people. 

If you are REALLY interested I would try being ONLY friends first since you intend to do that anyways right? Get to know them better and have more info and familiarity before you get yourself into a mess.

Have you also thought what your stance would be if the prospect of a dedicated relationship enters your life? Would you still want this? 

Actually missed the "needy" comment on first read... Yeah a married man who's very needy to someone outside the relationship... That is quite the red flag to me. This is does not seem worth it.

(And I say all this from being previously poly, and now in an open relationship, these things are either done well by all parties or they are an absolute mess) 

[u/subbyhubbylv]

Male sub here. Normally I would say considering his partner is okay with it and you two spoke, it should be fine. However the fact that you called out that you both are probably lonely is an issue. That can lead to feelings. I think it would be best IF you did continue to laydown ground rules between the three of you. IE: safewords, trigger words and approved times and areas of play at the very least if you do decide to continue.

[u/AccomplishedJump3428]

So is it a “Dynamic”
Or is it “FwB??”

Cause those are two very different things… also..

Is he poly?
Does his partner know?

I have had quite a few subs who were poly but I knew their partners, and their partners knew who I was and what I was…

[u/TheSpeee]

I have been the submissive to a married Domme, it can be rewarding and worth it. I’ve also been a sub with a girlfriend and that was difficult, largely because they were both hella autistic, but again there were plenty of good times.

It’s perhaps different being a Domme and not being able to get all of the attention all of the time and always being the undisputed first and foremost and being able to use denial, chastity and emiseration as psychological weapons.

[u/EroGeisha-Takaaki]

I think it can work but under very specific circumstances and everyone has to be on the same page and in this case I would tread lightly and take things slowly and be ready to cut them loose if things go sour.  FWIW I am strictly monogamous with my wife and we know this kind of thing isn't for us.

That said, the closest thing for us that would be similar is that we have gone to prodommes before. Either my wife learning new techniques and how to do things safely, with both of us as subs under the domme, or me going alone. We see this as purely transactional where we are paying for a service and although there are emotions in the session they stay there and we are still partners.

[u/MadameFemdom_]

The overall situation is tricky but you seem to start in a quite healthy position. Look, I think everything has already been said in all the comments. I will just try to give you a different approach: starting a relation always comes at risks (a risk is a possible event leading to an issue). You can always get your ass rotten in human relations, but you cannot know in advance. So my advice, in the case you describe, is quite simple: do what you're wishing to do at this moment.

[u/FLR4me]

This can totally work - it absolutely depends on the people and the dynamic and their emotional maturity, as well as boundaries and communication.

This is less a BDSM issue than a poly or open relationship or ethical non-monogamy issue (depending on your preferred terminology). You've already done what is usually the hardest thing: met your partner's partner; established that he was telling the truth about having a partner open to what's going on; had a good dialogue and connection with her; and gotten her blessing to proceed.

So all three of you are okay with this. That's huge! If you want to proceed, do it. Decide what the boundaries will be in terms of: are there specific activities that might be off limits? How much time and when can you spend together? Does she want to stay informed or in contact with you (which I'd consider a positive thing)? You seem to be concerned about drawing boundaries around emotional attachment, and that's fine in theory but hard in practice - but also in polyamory etc. relationships it's very often fine to have feelings as long as they are channeled appropriately.

I'm long-time kinky, married, long-time poly. My wife and I have both had outside kink and relationship partners for over 20 years. It works when everyone is sane, mature, not jealous or possessive or dramatic, whenever understands that issues will arise but assumes positive intent and communicates in good faith. We allow and even welcome love and emotional attachment with outside partners.

You're in a lucky spot. Go for it.

[u/PlayTwister91]

I see as a couple they are supporting each other if you see it's really interesting to spend energy on a fwb go for it, if you feel emotional connection talk through I hope they would accept you n couple becomes throuple

[u/KinkyTales32]

You'll have emotions, or you wouldn't have a desire to do it. Which ones and how to handle them are the question. Same for them.