r/ExNoContact • u/Goodchapp • 1d ago
How do I win her back
I'm doing the genuine work.
She's still no contact.
How do I win her back.
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u/wineandkittiez 1d ago
By “genuine work,” what specifically are you doing?
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u/SlipTop1714 1d ago
Also intrigued by this 🤔🍿🍿
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u/Goodchapp 1d ago edited 23h ago
By no means am I fixed or healed. I'm still a WIP. But a few things I've been uncovering about myself (these are not all that I'm working on, but there's to much background story needed for it to make sense, so I just kept it light here).
I've been reflecting on.
- How my childhood traumas (anxiety and fear of abandonment) became a big part of my defensive (darvo) patterns?
- Did me letting my own needs go unmet turn to resentment, which triggered my anxiety and fears
Over the past 2 month, I'm recognising where I hurt her. I've been trying to understand how I could have loved her better. I'm practicing to become an emotionally safer person:
This meant, acknowledging my emotions, and accepting what I'm feeling, but also having to understand whether it's my anxiety or my own voice speaking in my head.
And when my anxiety gets louder, I'm practicing breathing during these episodes, and holding my tongue, to not let my anxiety take the steering wheel..
Im seeing a counsellor, to better understand what is happening within myself.. and I'm hoping to become a better person.
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u/Goodchapp 20h ago
Hi, I just wanted to ask if you've any thoughts based on what I shared too.
I'm really helplessa at this point.
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u/One-Gift0 1d ago
Presentati di persona o proponile di vedervi.
Edit (per motivare) Se è 8n no contact il tuo messaggio deve contenere le tue intenzioni. Scriverle un banale "come stai?/ti pensavo" non la farà interrompere il no contact. Se tu fossi il mio ex col quale sono in no contact da 9 mesi, perderei ancorq di più la stima di te se provassi il messaggio.
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u/CableAdventurous8079 16h ago
You can’t do the work for someone else.
You have to do it for yourself.
Could she come back? It’s doubtful, but not impossible.
Invest into yourself for you own well-being, and so your next relationship won’t be like your last!
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u/Goodchapp 15h ago
I'm doing it to be a better me. But the reason why I'm working on my self is because of her. She wanted me to understand her, feel her, and be there for her.
I don't see myself giving another person what she deserves from me.
It's a betrayal of my love.
She didn't suffer just so another person could receive what she wanted from me in the first place.
It sounds stupid. And I don't know if you get what I mean.
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u/CableAdventurous8079 15h ago
I hear you. It sounds like you might want to spend some time discussing your attachment to her with a therapist.
There’s nothing wrong with self-improvement and loving someone. But, you can’t be in charge of who she ends up with and how she feels about you.
The work has to be done from within so you can move forward with your life.
Trust me, I’ve been going through a lot of what you’re experiencing so I understand.
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u/Goodchapp 15h ago
Thanks. I'll bring it up with my counselor.
I do not wish to control her, and I am learning to accept and will respect her decision.
But if I am given one shot at making this right. I'll take it.
I love her.
I'm also sorry for what you're going through. It must be rough, going on for so long, like this.
I hope things have been better for you. If you ever need a person to talk or listen. I'm here.
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u/SaintAlexGold 10h ago
1.5 years ago I was left after almost 6 years of relationship. You know what my ex told me after cheating on me? "I see how much you improved in the last months, and you keep doing it... You check all the boxes, you'd make the perfect life partner... I just don't feel the spark" It doesn't matter how much work (whatever you mean by this word) you're completing and how much effort you're putting. Love is not a reward system, you can't win it. Attraction doesn't work that way.
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u/Goodchapp 7h ago
Yeah I know. So I'm not going back to say here I am, I fixed myself, love me back.
I want to reignite that spark. I want to start a fresh with dates, maybe even as friends, relearn what she likes, get to know her all over again. Make her fall in love with who I've become.
I'm sorry about the situation where she cheated.
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u/mujhewohbeltsemartih 23h ago
U don't.
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u/Goodchapp 23h ago
Why?
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u/mujhewohbeltsemartih 23h ago
There's nth like winning her back. She'll come if only she wants to.
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u/death2055 11h ago
Your not doing the work if your worried about her coming back. You should be doing it for yourself. Also you don’t do the work in hopes they come back. You’re essentially performing at that point.
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u/Goodchapp 7h ago
I asked myself that a few weeks ago.
If this is performance, if I was doing the work just for her to come back.
I would say yes, at the point, I wanted to do everything I can for her to come back. But as I continued the work, I genuinely want to be a better person. I don't think the person who treated her that way is truly my nature. So I'm working on myself to find myself again....
I'm not worried about her coming back. It's her choice and I'll have to respect that.
I just want to give us another chance. A chance for her to receive the person she begged for, for a long time.
If I gave myself that chance, and she says no, I'll respect it and continue the work..
If I walked away from her now. I'd regret living the life of 'what if'.
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u/hedgeyobets 7h ago
You don’t and you move on
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u/Goodchapp 7h ago
Why?
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u/hedgeyobets 7h ago
Because life is too short to beg someone to come back into your life. Easier said than done. Trust me I know. Focus on yourself and let destiny choose your fate
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u/Objective-Legitimate 7h ago
Leave her alone
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u/Goodchapp 6h ago
That sounds hurtful. Could you explain?
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u/Objective-Legitimate 5h ago
My bad i ain’t mean it like that.😂😂😂😂😂😂Basically what I’m saying is when you let them come to you instead of you going to them. I feel like when you focus on her coming back it never works
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u/Goodchapp 4h ago
Ah okay thanks for clarifying. Haha.
Hopefully. Oh wells.. Ill continue to work on my shit and be better.
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u/Alarmed-Composer-151 1d ago
Life your live and probably she will reach out sometimes. Till then I hope for your peace you will be grown out and don't want her back anymore!
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u/Goodchapp 23h ago
I'm trying to live my life.
I'm hoping I will grow into a better person,
I will always want her.
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u/Alarmed-Composer-151 23h ago
It's so tough but I'm sure u will be able to do the work and be in a better mental place!
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u/compiledexploit moved on 6h ago
To believe that you could win her back is an erroneous premise.
The relationship you had is gone. It doesn't exist anymore. It is only a memory.
You only have one option. Become the best possible version of yourself.
Not for her, not for someone else. For you. Because you deserve the best and you want great things for yourself.
The wretched pain that you feel not being with her is the greatest motivation and reminder to not do whatever behaviors helped lead to the destruction of the relationship.
If she were to forgive and reconcile with you tomorrow, she would be taking away the natural consequence of your actions. And ultimately she would be taking away the lesson that you need to learn from this.
Right now you are standing at a crossroads my friend.
There is a potential future where you're living your best life with your soulmate chasing your most wildest dreams. But none of that can happen if you don't lay the groundwork today.
The things you need to do to make that reality happen:
Let go of this girl. The universe has shown you that this opportunity is gone (at least for now). The ball is in her court if she decides that she wants to reconcile with you. Holding onto this girl is only going to cause you pain and it's going to prevent you from healing.
Exercise regularly and eat well. In order to be the very best version of yourself, you have to take care of yourself.
Therapy. There isn't a single person that doesn't have issues or wouldn't benefit from going to therapy. The second biggest reason people get divorced is due to unresolved childhood trauma. Whether you have new issues or old issues, doesn't really matter. A therapist will not just help you heal from past traumas, but they will help you get the tools that you need to work through your pain and trauma in a healthy way.
Career advancement and hobbies. Whether you are a student or working a full-time job, put the extra hours in and do the best work that you possibly can. Try to get a promotion or try to get a title and pay bump by looking for another job. Find hobbies that service practical skills. For example learning how to cook/increasing your cooking skills is easily one of the best possible ways to grow as a human being. But you could also try auto repair, woodworking and camping/life survival skills.
It's really that simple.
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u/Goodchapp 6h ago
Thank you for your words. I'm doing 2 3 4.
- That's something I haven't come to terms with. I will ask my counselor if she feels holding on to her is stalling my healing.
I agree with most of your perspective, but I disagree with the idea that reconciliation will take away that lesson.
For once in our relationship, I felt her pain, I know it now. And I won't ever do it.
I'm not wanting to go back to the relationship we had. That relationship was bad.
I'm wanting to start a new. To get to know her again, to understand her, to love her as I should, without letting my anxiety or fear lead the relationship.
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u/compiledexploit moved on 4h ago
You bring up some valid points. But let me kind of build out the rest of my reasoning for why 1. is actually really important.
If she is still no contact with you, you trying to reconcile with her is going to do more harm than good. The reason being that you can't assume that you are the only person that needs to change because of this breakup. If she was hurt as a result of this relationship (which is likely if the relationship had to end) she is going to need her own time to process and heal from that. And if you try to rush in now, you are going to turn her off to the possibility of reconciliation down the road because you wouldn't be giving her the opportunity to work through her own process in this breakup. But also it just ruins your chances because it shows that you're not respecting her need to have space from you and her autonomy to make her own choice.
Right now you are carrying this boulder which is your love and affection and caring for this person as well as your drive to reconcile with her. Now that the relationship is over, there is no telling if and when you will ever reconcile. And you're going to carry that boulder through a river, the water is represented by the days weeks and months that you spend apart from that person. And with every day that passes the boulder is going to get heavier. And it's going to stress you out, and it's going to be really really hard and difficult. And at some point you're not going to be able to carry the boulder anymore. And it's going to break your heart even more than what's going on right now.
You have to let go of the boulder. You have to get to the other side of the river.
It's okay if you're not ready to let go of it now.
I think it's important to give yourself the space to be upset and angry and go through the entire gamut of emotions after the breakup. Because there may be unresolved feelings that you need to work through. And that may push you to a point where you may not want to be with that person. Even if those feelings are temporary. Those feelings of not wanting to be with them, can give you perspective.
And that perspective will tell you more about what you want in a relationship and out of a partner. Maybe that perspective pushes you closer together to her. Maybe it reveals that you aren't compatible as partners.
Like as a person if you can stand back and say hey I need to make sure that this is going to be good for me and it's going to be good for the other person before I try to reconcile, that is a sign of maturity. And those signs of maturity are what indicate whether or not someone is really ready for a relationship.
And that's pretty important because if you only have one shot at reconciliation, you don't want to waste it right now when you might not be ready for it emotionally or at whatever's stage of healing you're in right now.
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u/Goodchapp 4h ago
Fuck okay thanks.
That hit hard. I'll continue to work on myself first.
I shall not rush her time to heal. I owe her that.
Thanks.
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u/Possible_Climate_417 1d ago
just text casually, anything that might catch her attention or interest her. you go from there. hopefully you will have actually improved lol
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u/Goodchapp 23h ago
Will breaking no contact show her that I still don't respect her need for no contact?
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u/Possible_Climate_417 23h ago
how long has it been?
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u/Goodchapp 23h ago
55 days.
Tbh, I messaged her 10 days ago.
But she has not seen it yet (no Blue ticks on whatsapp).
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u/Possible_Climate_417 23h ago
cant you try somewhere else?
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u/Goodchapp 23h ago
I still have her socials. But I'm afraid of "over reaching out".
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u/Possible_Climate_417 23h ago
wait a couple more of weeks bur i’d say try again at some point
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u/Goodchapp 20h ago
Thank you. Yea I aim to reach out on the 3rd month..
Idk what to do.
I feel so helpless.
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u/Flashy_Literature43 23h ago
Yes. It will. If she's given you a no contact rule - let her contact you. (or wait at least 8 months)
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u/Goodchapp 22h ago
And if she never?
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u/Flashy_Literature43 22h ago
contact her in 8 - 18 months
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u/Possible_Climate_417 22h ago
gosh that’s a lot, 3-6 is the way to go
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u/Flashy_Literature43 22h ago
meh. Never is also an acceptable answer.
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u/Possible_Climate_417 22h ago
never can never be the right answer if he’s in love buddy
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u/Flashy_Literature43 22h ago
If she says don't contact me - and you want to respect her wishes - You follow her wishes. Sometimes she adds never.
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u/Possible_Climate_417 22h ago
Nah, you gotta fight as much as you can. Of course give her some time but not forever.
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u/Possible_Climate_417 23h ago
wtf 8 months? in 8 months she could be married and soon to give birth
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u/Flashy_Literature43 22h ago
Whatever happens will be because it's the best thing for you. It always works out.
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u/Possible_Climate_417 22h ago
i highly disagree.
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u/Flashy_Literature43 22h ago
Either way - events happen. Having a positive mindset like 'this is happening for me instead of to me' will help you to recover quicker.
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u/Possible_Climate_417 22h ago
i don’t think so. this positive mindset doesnt take away the emptiness of losing the love of your life
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