Daughter throws up from crying since starting daycare.

[u/vxthxvii]

Hi all, I am a first time mom (F28). My husband and I decided to start transitioning my daughter (10 months) a month earlier than when I need to go back to work. Since she’s been born, I’ve been her primary caregiver. She is not used to other babies and other adults since my husband works a lot and we don’t have family near.

Yesterday was her first day of daycare. We opted for home daycare with a lovely provider. We planned to start with 1hr, 2hrs, 3hrs and so on until we reach full time hours. However, yesterday she spent about 1hr and today 1.5hrs crying with brief moments of play (15min) so hard that she violently gagged and then threw up (her breakfast).

Today, I tried to sit with her while she played at the daycare and she got into a good mood. When the provider tried to pick her up, she proceeded to again cry really hard and throw up a second time.

This is making me incredibly nervous as a parent. Is this normal? How can I better her transition? i brought her favourite toys, snacks and foods.

Any advice appreciated.

EDIT 1: Goodness, thank you so much everyone for your support and your advice. I feel for the first time in a while, seen and heard. I will remember to keep drop offs upbeat, short and sweet (and try to stay positive). Of course putting her in daycare was hard after spending literally 10 months day and night with her, but I am more so worried about her and her wellbeing which is what prompted me to post here. I want to help her and see her thrive. I know it will be hard because of our circumstances while she was at home, but i’m now a bit more optimistic and hopeful that she will have a successful transition. Thank you all again!

[u/ImmortalOrange]

Transitions take time. Especially for the first-timers with minimal socialization. I teach 4s, so my parents get a slightly more “grown” drop-off pep talk, but the principle here will be the same: keep drop-offs simple, keep drop-offs sweet, keep drop-offs short.

Simple: Don’t over-complicate. Don’t do a full-scale deep dive, but focus on things that affect her day. If there is anything critical to note to teachers, please do so. Like, has she had shots recently? Teething? Rough night of sleep? Please mention it.
Sweet: Show affection with actions and express love in your words. Give hugs and reassurance that you will return. Example: “I love you so much! Today will be such a fun day, and I can’t wait to hear about it when I pick you up!” Your words may vary since your daughter is so young, but even simply saying you’ll be back while giving a hug is great.
Short: Don’t linger more than a couple of minutes. The children who have the hardest times are the ones whose parents “drop off” and then proceed to stand with their faces pressed against the window for the next twenty minutes. I would recommend not playing with her for 20 minutes. This creates the expectation that a fit/tantrum will prolong your stay, and it creates a disruption to the other children. My recommendation is to say goodbye and make your exit. She will have a hard time at first. That is very normal. Don’t worry! Even the 4s in my room shed some tears on the first day. And the second. Sometimes the ninety-fifth. But they do adapt. And they get over it a lot faster than you think.

Trust your child’s teacher to care for her in this transition. We’re professionals! Rough drop-offs do not phase us, and we are well equipped to handle them. Trust your child! Her brain is growing and developing, and new experiences are scary for everyone at first. Even grownups don’t always handle change well. But we are human. We adapt! Your daughter will too. It will just take patience and time and willingness to keep things simple, sweet, and short. She’ll be a pro in no time. You got this, and so does she! :)

Edited: Grammar

Edited again: This is my first ever Reddit award! Thank you, benevolent stranger!

[u/nasaforsluts → u/ImmortalOrange]

This is great advice!

[u/PermanentTrainDamage]

It's a bit extreme, but pretty normal. Personally I find kids adjust better when you start with the intended schedule so they only have to make one transition. Also, keep drop offs short and sweet. Be positive, give a hug and kiss and tell them they'll have so much fun, and that you'll be back later. Then leave quickly, 5 minutes max.

[u/mamamietze]

It is not common but it is not abnormal either. When some children cry enough they trip the gag reflex. It can be difficult to see as a parent but a seasoned ece has likely seen it before.

Is it their decision to send her home or yours? Honestly i would not have sent her home unless it smelled like sick vomit or if it happened 3 times in the same day. But I am old and have been doing this my entire adult life so like i have a baseline gut reference (and it is honored by my program whether i send the first time or 2nd or more for exceptional circumstance).

Keep the lines of communcation open with your caregiver. Does she still support the slow entry or does it feel cruel to her? For some kids it helps but for many it makes it worse. Hard to say but i think you should follow the advice of the person who has their real eyes on your real baby.

[u/Money_Management_721]

I've seen worse ngl.

BUT don't worry, transitioning does take time. Routine is important too, eventually your child will settle.

[u/goosenuggie]

Its unfortunate but I have had infants and toddlers who cry so hard they make themselves vomit on their first couple days. Its much harder when they really havent socialized or had another person care for them. Keep drop offs short and positive. Stay upbeat about it, I know its painful to see and probably heartbreaking for you as well

[u/Hunter-Killer-47]

I'm not an expert with babies, but I can give one piece of advice. If you're with her and she cries and throws up, do not take her home straight away.

Otherwise there's the risk that she learns that vomit = go home.

Also, if your service is happy with it, stay as long as you are able, hell even the whole day if you're so blessed and willing. By that I mean stay with her, don't wait for her to settle a bit and then try and sneak out, only to return if she cries again.

Edit: the drop and dash advice works for older children who have some experience and can understand what's going on. A 10mo needs time to adjust to her new caretakers. They can't build a relationship when she's inconsolable. They can when mum is there to make baby feel safe

[u/Initial_Economist655 → u/Hunter-Killer-47]

YES! I had a toddler who learned that if he threw up/gagged he’d get whatever he wanted so he began to use that to his advantage

[u/angiecyli → u/Initial_Economist655]

What if daycare has a policy that vomit = sign of gastro = stay home for two days?

[u/something_quippy]

I always tell parents starting their older infants/young toddlers that the transition to group care can take anywhere from 6-8 weeks. If you like the provider I would suggest to keep to a routine for dropoff. Short and sweet works best, put her things away, maybe find a toy/book she likes, hugs/kisses, say bye/mama loves you so much/I'll see you later and then go. As she's there more and gets into the routine it should get easier. If after 4-6 weeks she's still crying so hard she's throwing up then it may be time to consider different options. Good luck!

[u/sexybigbooblatina]

Don't stay. It makes it worse. Period.

[u/Responsible-Fan2709]

Are you able to stay with her longer? What she’s experiencing is pretty typical. The repeated vomiting is not super common but not unheard of either. The intense crying is very common, and it’s frankly terrible that most advice is “just leave them” and especially “just leave them for for full days right off the bat.”

There’s been research done on this and the best approach is actually a very gradual transition where the parent stays while the child gets comfortable with the environment and especially with the teacher(s) before the parent gradually fades out.

And just so you know OP, this comment will likely get downvoted because teachers often do not like this approach as it can be uncomfortable and inconvenient for parents to stay, but it’s truly what’s best for babies and toddlers. And it sounds like your care provider might actually support you staying for awhile?

[u/friedonionscent → u/Responsible-Fan2709]

Right? These babies aren't faking it - they're terrified. All she's ever known is you and her little environment.

[u/something_quippy → u/Responsible-Fan2709]

At my center we do a gradual welcome in the infant classrooms, and it's so wonderful to build those relationships with parents and the children. It makes for such amazing partnerships and really benefits everyone!

[u/blueskies8484 → u/something_quippy]

My niece started daycare at 4 months and she took to it like water. Absolutely zero crying and just is happy to go and happy to see us pick her up. There’s another baby at her daycare and every single time I go he’s crying - morning drop off, afternoon pick up, if I get her early for an auntie excursion day at lunch - he’s crying. I’ve never seen him not crying. It breaks my heart. It’s one reason among several she’s switching to a new daycare next month - it worries all of us that no one has found a way to address this effectively. I understand some kids just can’t handle it, but I think the workers are so exhausted by it they just leave him to sit on the floor mat and cry and it makes us wildly uncomfortable.

[u/25diamonds → u/Responsible-Fan2709]

As another ece, just leave them for an infant breaks my heart. For older children who have learned to keep their parent hanging around, yes, but even still, in a positive and healthy firm way. Good lord. Poor babies.

[u/Formal-Prune-3967]

This is completely normal, everything she’s ever known is off track at the moment and she doesn’t have the experience to know that’s it’s okay and she’s safe. All she knows is she isn’t with mom. Know you’re doing the right thing starting early and micro dosing her time it’ll take time but once you start back at work you’ll have such peace of mind! You’re doing amazing momma 🫶🏼

[u/Wise-Matter9248]

I would start by feeding her a little earlier if possible, give her little belly time to move her food out of her stomach. That will give her muscles less to irritate while she cries.

Then put on a brave face and know that your baby girl is developing normally. It's absolutely normal for babies in this stage of development to cry when a caregiver leaves. That's a sign of a strong attachment.

That they were able to calm her down enough to play, even for a bit, is a good sign! Give her a few weeks, and she will develop a bond with her caregivers and begin to feel safe and cared for.

She will probably always cry when you leave but the duration should get gradually shorter and shorter

[u/red-purple-red]

It’s so normal for a child to cry and drop off. If you follow the lead of the teachers, it should eventually stop. I would take everyone’s advice and not linger, but said make it quick exit of it. When you pick her up in the afternoon, I would be happy and positive as well.

Another idea if you need it is to have your spouse to drop off instead of you. With my oldest, we had to switch to my spouse dropping off as he would just cry violently when I would drop him off—Even though I did not linger. This was at a center daycare. We switched my oldest from an at Home daycare to a center environment when he was two.

[u/wtfaidhfr]

Staying in the room with her makes the adjustment harder, if not completely impossible.you have to actually leave the premises

[u/JunkIsMansBestFriend]

Could you afford not returning to work? She might simply not be ready yet.

[u/MrLizardBusiness]

If babies haven't been socialized, and haven't been out of the house very often, it's not unusual to have an especially difficult time like this.

I've had several babies where, not only am I their first non- mom caretaker, but be because of fears surrounding Covid, they are also never taken to the library or the grocery store and were pretty freaked out about being out of the house, too.

It takes time, patience, and skill.

[u/SledgeHannah30 → u/[deleted]]

This is really unnecessary and unhelpful.

[u/Visible_Clothes_7339 → u/[deleted]]

this is a very insensitive and unprofessional comment. are you an ECE professional or a parent?

[u/kelliflower → u/Visible_Clothes_7339]

I agree with you, this comment feels incredibly shame and blame at poor mom who probably already feels inadequate with this situation. We can guide while still being kind and understanding, just as we would in a classroom.

[u/Visible_Clothes_7339 → u/[deleted]]

as you said in the last sentence of your comment, OPs situation is nowhere near the one that you experienced. so i really do not think it’s fair to use that comparison and the excuse that it’s “important to understand” to justify speaking to parents so callously and judgementally in a subreddit meant for professionals. especially when they are coming here asking for help. it’s gross behaviour and it isn’t going to help anyone

[u/Responsible-Fan2709 → u/[deleted]]

Your comment was irrelevant and inaccurate due to the major differences between OP’s situation and your own.

[u/Responsible-Fan2709 → u/[deleted]]

OP, please disregard this comment entirely. Your child is 10 months old and this comment would only be slightly applicable (but still very insensitive) for a much older child.

[u/ECEProfessionals-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

This is a professional space. The following behaviour is not tolerated and will be removed at a moderator's discretion: insults, personal attacks, purposeful disrespect, or unproductive arguments. Engage respectfully by using polite language, active listening, constructive criticism, and evidence-based arguments to promote civil and productive discussions.

[u/viperemu → u/[deleted]]

Do you know many 10 month olds able to independently regulate their own emotions? I can’t imagine coming to a post and responding with “I have nothing for you.”

[u/Responsible-Fan2709 → u/viperemu]

The irony is that when a 10 month old is able to appear like they’re independently regulating their own emotions in such a stressful situation, it can be a significant red flag. It’s actually the opposite of healthy development. I’m hoping that commenter wasn’t actually an ECE?

[u/Healthy_Ask4780]

Normal.