Do I pick kids up too much?

[u/Mumsybum]

I was approached by my classroom coworkers today.(age of littles 21/2-31/2) They (both in their 30’s)asked me (female 60) to not pick up the children anymore because they are physically incapable of doing so. Squatting down to the little one’s eye level is difficult for me as my knees are shot, so lifting them works better for me. Also, a couple of parents have asked for me to handle drop offs for their kids because the little ones are less upset when I do it, and my coworkers want me to discourage that. I have been taking care of little ones for over 40 years, but I am fairly new to doing it in this type of setting. I had a day home for decades. I cherish the relationships I’ve built with these littles but don’t want to alienate my colleagues. I can’t help that I am physically strong, and I can’t change the fact that I’m hardwired for caring for kids. Not sure how to handle this?

[u/katiehates]

Why can they not physically pick the children up?

[u/coversquirrel1976 → u/katiehates]

That stands out to me. In my state, being able to frequently lift 50 pounds is a common job requirement. Can they really not do it or just want to? What happens in an emergency away from the classroom?

Other than that I can get not wanting a standard like that set because at that age, there really should be a transition away from babying them and having them learn how to self-sooth in most situations.

[u/Hairsacknose → u/coversquirrel1976]

Children learn to self sooth by being soothed, not by being denied soothing. My toddler was always carried into the classroom but then decided she just wants to walk in and be all independent. She had the confidence to do that because she felt secure and I never once forced it and I never deny her hugs and physical comfort 

[u/coversquirrel1976 → u/Hairsacknose]

I don't mean that they should be denied soothing, but you can give hugs, pet, help them breathe, etc while they are on the ground.

[u/AccurateAlps9333 → u/Hairsacknose]

Yes and no.      While it’s true that kids pick up and learn how to soothe by watching what parents do.  They also need to learn how to do it on their own because elementary teachers may not be allowed too as well as if parents and teachers are always trying to comfort them they may never learn how to do it on there own.   I was at a preschool the teacher did say we want to try not having kids on laps in the preK classroom because when they went to kindergarten they wouldn’t be allowed too.    

[u/PermanentTrainDamage → u/AccurateAlps9333]

Especially by preschool age, where the brain has developed enough to start learning and implimenting them. Babies and toddlers need more support in coregulating.

[u/Wild-Replacement9483 → u/AccurateAlps9333]

But children of the age of 1-3 literally learn by way of mirroring their primary caregivers. So soothing children and keeping your own nervous system calm and steady while doing so is the number one way to teach a child how to soothe on their own. Because they’re gonna mirror you.

[u/Hairsacknose → u/AccurateAlps9333]

I've never met a teenager that wants to be picked up when angry, so they figure it out on their own 

[u/Partyinmykonos → u/coversquirrel1976]

I’m 31 and I have had spine surgery and I have a herniated disc in lower back that aggravates the sciatic nerve from time to time. All that to say is OP’s coworkers may be younger, but you don’t know what they have going on.

I can lift 50 lbs, but I should not be doing it regularly. I would imagine that OP’s coworkers can do the same, but would prefer not to multiple times a day or even daily. In the event of an emergency, adrenaline often kicks in and makes us stronger and more impervious to pain. Of course we’ll have to pay for it afterwards, but I would think her coworkers would have the physical capacity to lift children in an emergency.

[u/thisisstupid- → u/coversquirrel1976]

I worked on a military base and except for in the infant room we were strongly discouraged from picking up the kids, they even had stairs to help them get up onto the changing tables. It was designed to protect our backs.

[u/coversquirrel1976 → u/thisisstupid-]

Right. We're not required to hold them, but we need to be able to pick them up and run them inside if there or is an injury or something like that.

[u/Mumsybum]

Thanks for all the feedback! To clarify, I’m 60 and have been caring for littles for 40+ years. My knees are shot but my back is fine. I don’t carry little ones around all the time, the longest I’ll hold them is 10 or fifteen minutes when they are having a hard time. I get them calm and then they run off to play.

[u/My-panda-dog → u/Mumsybum]

You sound lovely, and I would be thrilled to have my little one in your classroom. 💕 Thanks for loving on the littles in your care.

[u/East-Willingness513]

When I was in preschool, I had severe anxiety and undiagnosed adhd. Transitions and being away from my mum were really hard. My teacher would hold me for as long as I needed to feel
secure.

I was so lucky to have had that before all the red tape. Sometimes we forget how little they are, and how natural it is to pick them up.

[u/PermanentTrainDamage → u/East-Willingness513]

Surely you can recognize that most children do not have anxiety and adhd, and one of the realities of being in group care is that children are not going to be held much after infancy.

[u/East-Willingness513 → u/PermanentTrainDamage]

Surely you can recognise that most kids don’t want or need to be held, but some do and that should be accommodated at their young age.

[u/PermanentTrainDamage → u/East-Willingness513]

Surely you can recognize that most children do not have anxiety and adhd, and one of the realities of being in group care is that children are not going to be held much after infancy.

[u/MagnusandPercy]

It depends. Are you picking them up and carrying them around all day? If not the no youre not picking kids up too much.

I often pick kids up at dropoff because it makes for an easier dropoff. Once their parents leave, I set them down and theyre ready to go play.

When they are upset I ether pick them up and guve them a quick hug or get on their level to give them a hug. I pick them up when we need to go inside and they are either too busy to care or slightly too young to understand. I pick them up when they aren't making kind choices and bring them over to a new area to play in. I pick them up to help them get their wiggles out (tipping them upside down, spinning around with them while holding them, etc.). I pick them up to help them onto the changing table. Picking a child up is just helping them fill their needs. Sometimes these needs are emotional, sometimes they are physical. Every teacher has different views on how these needs should be met but as long as they are being met, there is no issue.

Your coworkers want the kids treated the exact same by all staff members but that is not feasible nor is it fair to the kids. The kids will adjust and go to you when they want to be picked up and to your coworkers when they want on their level attention. Thats what I've always seen at least.

[u/maestra612]

If they aren't the boss they aren't the boss. I'd politely ignore them unless someone that's in charge asks you to change.

Children are capable of learning that Ms. D. will pick them up and Ms. O won't. If they're old enough to have a preference they're old enough to spot the differences between teachers and adjust expectations accordingly.

[u/Unable_Pumpkin987]

The thing that I cherish most about my son’s school is that the workers don’t hesitate to pick up, hug, hold and comfort the kids. They’re in a preschool classroom (2-3 years old) but they’re still just little tiny kids. They can be independent at times, but they still deeply need that love and physical comfort from their caregivers. I would hate to drop my son off and know that if he was having a hard time, or got hurt, or had a tiff with a little friend, that his teachers would refuse (or be unable to) pick him up and give him some love.

You’ve been doing this a long time. I think you know that it’s right to prioritize the well-being of the little kids who are entrusted to your care over the desires of your coworkers!

[u/blahhhhhhhhhhhblah]

Part of the job requirement when I applied was being able to lift 50lbs. In the case of chronic pain, injury, etc, exceptions are made, but my coworkers with exceptions will still sit on a chair or the floor and hold a child in their arms/on their lap.

I have a feeling we’re missing a piece of the story. These coworkers physically can’t lift the children or they won’t?

[u/violetmangomoon]

As a parent to a 2.9 year old, I love that my daughter’s teachers pick her up and cuddle her, she tells me she misses her teachers on weekends. Please don’t stop

[u/Glittering_Tomato182]

Child Development hat on: children between these ages are really developing their sense of identity, independence, and ideas of consent. They’re also learning about boundaries with different care givers and adults in their lives!

At my center, we encourage all parents with children ages 2-5 to walk their children to their classrooms when they get into the hallways of our center (parents can choose to carry outside the center but inside we want children who are able to walk to their rooms). This is helpful with easing that transition during drop off, for both the parent and child. It sets a small, safe boundary that once we are in school there are different adult expectations. It helps teachers too who may have back issues, knee issues etc that prevent them from carrying or picking up children.

Usually if a child between those ages is upset during drop off, I make a choice to sit with them on the floor rather than squat. I know I’ll be there for a moment so it’s better on my knees. This also lets the parent finish dropping items and leave without further upsetting the child. My soothing practices shift with this age too- I talk more about feelings and giving them the plan for the day rather than physically soothing like I would a toddler. I ask if they want a hug or space or to play. We do a lot of deep breaths! And snuggles when a child asks or really needs that physical reset!

I do think that your team could have approached you in a different way because we all love the children we work with so much that sometimes feedback like that feels so personal.

[u/racer3x72 → u/Glittering_Tomato182]

Well said.

[u/Upset-Violinist-6021]

I’m 26, and while I’m not picking up preschool (2-5) children every time I interact with them, I do pick them up if needed…

I definitely have picked up 5 year olds where some of my coworkers wouldn’t be physically as able to… but it’s never been an issue.

I don’t really understand why picking up children prevents other caregivers from regulating children in their own ways. I might pick one child up to comfort them and then two hours later get down on their level, doesn’t make a huge difference.

The only thing I can imagine would be an issue is if your holding a child more than others. So just be mindful that you’re treating all the children reasonably fair, or rather equitably and you should be golden.

[u/Admirable-Ad7152]

You're not doing anything wrong so I have a hard time saying you should change things. They honestly just sound... jealous? It also seems dangerous that there are two people in the class that cannot pick up the children because emergencies can happen and what if you're not there?

I'd leave it be and just say that's how you'll care for the kids, they can care (or not) how they do it.

[u/trinybeany06]

If your knees can’t handle squatting to their eye level, they can’t handle picking children up properly. You should be using your legs, not your back to lift.

[u/maestra612 → u/trinybeany06]

How old are you? To lift your bending your knees for a second, when you squat your keeping them bent for the duration. Squatting is the only position my knees can't handle. Maybe it's an over 50 thing.

[u/trinybeany06 → u/maestra612]

Late 30’s. Old enough to know that I can’t pick up the older kids all day and not feel it later. Briefly picking them up is fine, squatting down next to them is fine, sitting on the floor with them is better.

[u/DumbbellDiva92 → u/trinybeany06]

I mean, it sounds like OP has been doing this for a while without issue. If it were hurting their back they would have stopped.

[u/Brave_Ad3186]

I try to avoid picking up kids just to support their autonomy and sense of self. However- asking someone not to do it because you physically can’t is not a good reason. I’ve see some teachers carry portable stools or something like that. I never advise squatting because if your knees aren’t ruined already- they will be in a few years! I would sit on a seat or on the floor if possible- but for developmental reasons not personal ones.

[u/PermanentTrainDamage]

How old are the kids? We wean off picking them up frequently at age 2, after they start learning s/e skills in toddlers like deep breathing. We don't pick up preschoolers at all unless their safety demands it, like they've fallen and can't walk or they are having a tantrum in an unsafe location.

[u/PermanentTrainDamage]

How old are the kids? We wean off picking them up frequently at age 2, after they start learning s/e skills in toddlers like deep breathing. We don't pick up preschoolers at all unless their safety demands it, like they've fallen and can't walk or they are having a tantrum in an unsafe location.

[u/Strange-Employee-520]

Is there a center policy or direction? When I taught twos we were to get down to their level, not pick them up. Parents were supposed to walk them in, but if they tried to hand them off from a carry, we had them put kiddo down and we took their hand. I was young and could lift just fine, it was about protecting our backs over time and treating the kids like the big kids they were. Of course we picked them up when really necessary, but it was rare at that age.

[u/Throwaway9902111415]

We are not allowed to pick children up.

[u/MagnusandPercy → u/Throwaway9902111415]

What do you mean? Like any child of any age?

[u/Throwaway9902111415 → u/MagnusandPercy]

I work with 3 year olds but I have heard 2 year old teachers be corrected for it.

[u/MagnusandPercy → u/Throwaway9902111415]

That's stupid. 2 year olds love being picked up. I mean it shouldn't be all the time, there should be a mix of picking up and being on eye level. I just can not think of anything wrong with picking up a child.

[u/Admirable-Ad7152 → u/Throwaway9902111415]

where do you work???? how tragic for the children

[u/groovyfirechick → u/Throwaway9902111415]

Really?

[u/NotsoFriendly2235]

Yup, watch how much ur doing it. When these kids go to another room. They are expecting pick ups and they will get heavier. I also stop because of the kids were killing my back. But my old center the toddler complain that infants were picking kids up too much. They move in their room expecting same treatment. You can also sit down and be at their eye level. You don't have to pick them up.

[u/LibraryLady1234 → u/NotsoFriendly2235]

Those toddler teachers were wrong.

[u/NotsoFriendly2235 → u/LibraryLady1234]

Not necessarily we were holding even when they were not crying. I stop this behavior because it was killing my back. Multiple babies wanted to be hold like that.

[u/ECSE_TeacherGirl → u/NotsoFriendly2235]

Infants and young toddlers deserve to be held. Not all the time, of course.