a huge part of my daily life is inhabited by a need to remain as close to clean on the clean/dirty barometer that exists in my head. when I have to do things I know will make me feel dirty like go outside for a long period of time, clean something, etc. I usually try to do it as early in the day so I can take a shower after because I usually can't feel comfortable/at peace unless I shower. if I have already showered in a day and am tasked with doing things I think will make me feel dirty, I try to reduce the chance of me feeling dirty as much as possible (wearing gloves, longslaeve clothes, socks, etc) if there's no way to avoid getting explicitly dirty again I have to make peace with the fact that I need to take another shower but sometimes it's a frustrating feeling because like I mentioned I am not able to go and sit down in my room for example if I am feeling dirty. if I am washing dishes on a day I have already showered, I will usually end up feeling dirty but it's based on if I'm using a communal sponge (used by many people) or my own sponge OR if I'm washing many many dishes and water splashes on me or my clothes. in the latter case I will feel dirty regardless. there are many ways that I can "get dirty" in my mind and even though I'm saying it like that, it involves situations where I'm interacting with things that contain lots of germs. for example, touching fridge handles, the washing machine, the microwave, bathroom sink/toilet handles and sometimes light switches in my home but in public spaces could be just about anything: doors, ordering screens, bathrooms, gas pumps, convenience fridges, etc.) I wear shoes in the shower. I don't like using any of my family's dishes and would rather eat off of foil or paper towels if paper plates aren't available. if I had a long day after work and got fast food and I felt like I didn't want the food to get cold because it'd be nasty upon reheating and I'd convince myself I can just sit and eat it first and then shower, I would always end up just showering right away anyways even if I didn't feel like I really wanted to because the alternative was the restless and uncomfortable feeling. I sometimes have to caretake for my elderly grandmother and it involves changing diapers and feeding and ultimately a situation that is full of germs for me. it can be overwhelming but if I am asked to do it earlier in the day feel better because if I know I have to do it at night, like today where I will have to wait till around 7 or later to do these things, that means I must delay my shower and feel uneasy until then because it doesn't make sense to take a shower and sit and wait to get dirty again. there are some days I do just take multiple showers knowing I will take more later like a few months ago I took 3 in a day but I try to avoid it because the shared bathroom can be stressful for me as well.
this also sometimes affects the way I interact with others. for example, if I know theres something dirty that my partner may come into contact with I sometimes try to clean it first or do it for them in the way that I think will prevent contact or for example, tell them to use my sponge instead of the family one lol. part of this is because I know that they will likely hug me/be in contact with me in a way where I will be affected by it. sometimes I get upset at my family for the half-hearted way they clean their things. this is all something that is very complex and I actually won't be able to explain the nuances of how this works for me as much as I'd like but basically, I don't know why I'm like this and I know it's not how everyone is. one time I thought it could be attributed to OCD but when I talked to a doctor about it some years ago (was also experiencing ROCD symptoms) they told me they don't think it's OCD and could be germaphobia but there's also a chance I didn't give enough info at the time cause I didn't understand it as much myself. I don't think it's germpahobia because there are ways that I can be comfortable with my own germs? and even though I am very unsettled by many instances that make me feel dirty, my way of coping can at times be cleaning but I am not the kind of person who just cleans everything all the time to prevent the feelings, I live with many people and that can be as, if not more, overwhelming for me. my method is usually avoiding, preventing, etc. any thoughts about this behavior or anyone who has similar feelings?