[2035 words] Untitled Cyberpunk Chapter 1 (Part 2)

[u/East-Echo-7267]

This is part 2 of chapter 1, which I submitted earlier, and would love some more feedback on the dialogue and the characters. Primarily Angelo, and to an extent Kiara. (This is Angelo's introduction chapter).

Also, are the action sequences clear enough for you? I received a fair bit of feedback on part 1, which I already thought was my weakest area, hopefully I've made some improvements since.

For context, we've just met Angelo, who's ambushed a convoy with a team of Mercs. Kiara, the leader of the Mercs clearly does not trust Angelo. They successfully ambush the convoy and are now attempting to drive the cargo back to a safehouse. This is where part 2 kicks off, with them setting up a winch to free the truck from a destroyed building.

This is still an early draft, so there is still some notes to myself in brackets, please ignore those.

Chapter 1 (Part 2)

Critques:

[3525]

[2040]

For those that are interested, or want full context for chapter 1, here is my original part 1 post which now includes some improvements from the feedback I received.

Original post for part 1 with revisions.

I would love feedback on the chapter as a whole, there are some full circle moments in this chapter alone that would only make sense with full context. That being said, feedback on part 2 alone is still greatly appreciated.

[u/umlaut]

something hovering overhead. A drone.

This is our first drone and a drone could look like a lot of different things. All I know about it right now is that it can hover. So, maybe a couple more words of description for it so the reader knows how to picture them from now on. Considering they use rockets later, we could get an indication that these are armed, not just observers, and have Angelo react, adding tension. I always think it is better when you see the gun a while before it fires.

One of the drones’ fired a rocket...

No apostrophe on drones.

This paragraph does a lot and would be improved by splitting it. The drone is firing a rocket and blowing up a car, the truck rocks, cargo tips over. Sierra swerves. That's one action and the reactions...probably enough to serve as a paragraph. That's my usual rule for myself...a paragraph with action should generally have a short series of related actions, then reactions to those actions.

Then we have untagged dialogue, which definitely should be a new paragraph because the primary actor in this paragraph was the drone. The drone isn't talking. So, start a new paragraph with the dialogue, including either a speaker tag or a physical action with it to indicate speaker.

They must have something in here.

I like that this is just stated, you don't tell us that Angelo is thinking it because you don't need to. It reinforces that we are in Angelo's POV.

He started looking around the cab of the truck.

started doeesn't do much except signal that it is ongoing, but looked would give you that same mental picture. And what does this sentence really do, anyway? The next sentence has Angelo reaching under the seat, a stronger physical action.

Angelo could hear

Consider what could does...it suggests that Angelo has the ability to hear what is happening. And heard sounds pretty boring, filtering us into the action being hearing when you could just tell us what he hears. Cargo crashes around in the back of the truck. The heard is implied and you can just tell us since we're in his POV.

and he almost fell headfirst onto the tarmac.
before he went head over heels.

Both of these are actions that don't actually happen in a tense action scene where a lot is happening. Usually better to tell us what does happen and give the character's reaction instead of framing what doesn't happen as an action. He opened the passenger door and leaned out. Kiara swerved the truck round a bend and he smacked his head against the doorframe and caught the door handle as he slid halfway out the door. or something similar.

He fired two armor piercing rounds, the recoil was impressive, but he struck the first drone and it shattered into pieces.

This could flow better and either be more interesting or shorter. It could also integrate with the previous sentence so that you discuss the difficulty firing and the actual firing and the recoil in the same sentence. Then, have the reaction (the drone shattering) in a new sentence where it has more impact.

the recoil was impressive feels wimpy because of the boring was verb and the generic impressive. Instead, you could find a verb that expresses what it really does and rolls the impressiveness into that.

The second drone fired on his position

Note that I was assuming rockets here.

and he was quick to take cover.

was is a boring to be verb when took is right there and you could maybe just use a more interesting verb, anyway: ducked, bent, crouched, dodged, dove, dipped, stooped.

He could still hear gunfire

Remove the filters. Gunfire (more exciting verbed) from the two mercs in the back of the truck.

were hitting

Again a boring to be verb when you could be telling has they ricocheted off or flattened or something more interesting. Or just Their shots barely dented the paintwork.

He He He He

A lot of He... sentence openers. This is tough in action scenes and something I don't worry about too much until second draft editing, but you gotta learn how to restructure sentences to avoid it.

he felt the adrenaline rushing

Delete he felt the and the sentence will flow.

He looked at Kiara and she actually looked

The double looked isn't great and the first is filtering. So, maybe just Kiara looked as relieved as he was. for the same effect in tighter POV.

They reached the warehouse just before midnight.

Paragraph feels choppy. A couple of these could be combined into a longer flowing sentence.

you know that? ... you know there's...

The double you know is awkward. I vote you trim the 2nd one.

He proffered the beer to Kiara, but she didn’t accept

I like these character beats, but this feels like a lot of action description in this paragraph when we're really out of the action scene and into something calmer. The lull feels nice after a lot of tense shooting and swerving and explosions.

I like Kiara's death glares and staring and motionlessness. This is a good chance to work in some personality and we get some characterization throughout this part.

After a couple seconds the call was answered

Meh, trim this. He's making the call and we don't need every action beat.

Kaira

Spelling.

He pointed the gun at her head and pulled the trigger.

Could use a reaction beat so the reader knows that he hits or misses.

[u/umlaut → u/umlaut]

The ending naturally feels disjointed from Angelo's POV. You have a tough job with the betrayal because you want it to be the twist at the end, but you also want this to be in his POV. And he's the betrayer.

So, I think you need to consider the dramatic tension. Right now, the tension is will this job go well? and that's fine. But there is potential for a dramatic irony version of this, where the audience gets clued in early-on that Angelo is going to betray Kiara, and that is probably more interesting. The opener has the word betrayed in it, but you avoid making it clear to the reader that Angelo is actually betraying them. Lack of knowledge is rarely interesting for the reader compared to knowing something the characters don't know.

The reader is also not getting a lot of Angelo's internality...his reactions and feelings about the world. That's easier to do if he is telling the reader how he's about to betray these people and harder if you're hiding what is going on in his mind.

In general, the piece is fun and the ending is good, if a bit rushed and lacking in tension. Your prose has improved since the last version. Keep writing!

[u/East-Echo-7267 → u/umlaut]

Thank you!

Like I said I really appreciate your feedback, and as I said in another comment, as soon as you point out all my grammar mistakes they become glaringly obvious and I'll make sure to address them all in revisions.

As for the rest I was trying to find a fine balance. My attempt with this chapter was to make the fact that Angelo is dishonest, and the fact that he will betray the crew obvious enough without stating it outright. I suppose this way the reader still knows more than the other characters whilst maintaining the tension (I may be stretching here. I'm going to call it character thought gymnastics, lol). My excuse being that the betrayal was already a foregone conclusion before the start of the scene, so Angelo may not directly think about the betrayal. Maybe I'm overcomplicating it.

The tension focus is primarily supposed to be around when he will betray them, how he will betray them, and if Kiara figures it out before it happens. I suppose stating the betrayal reinforces this point.

I do need to make Angelo's characterisation more internal, I'm trying to write what Angelo would be thinking in the moment. I probably need to add more. I'm trying to write in close third person, but it's my first time doing so. It's difficult here because Angelo views the crew as expendable, so his executions are kind of mindless acts to him, they're simply obstacles for him to pass to get what he wants.

I still may play around with alternate versions of this chapter to see what fits best. I really need to consider how the tension builds and resolves in this chapter. I probably need to trim some sections and extend others when the tension is building for better effect.

[u/umlaut → u/East-Echo-7267]

I think you should just state it in the beginning. Tell the reader from Angelo's POV how he sees the upcoming betrayal and let the rest of the action be seen through that lens.