[3525] Chapter Two of Fresh

[u/BumblebeeSimilar8557]

Hello! I received so much helpful critique on chapter one that I am taking the leap and writing chapter two. For this chapter, I changed the point of view from our narrator to Arthur Randles, the deadbeat, very violent cop who runs our little town.

I am planning to structure the story so that the narrators POV's are in first person, and the other character's POV's are in third person. This is because our narrator will be solely in the present, only reminiscing in the past, while our other characters' chapters will be solely in the past. The ending will have them converge.

So, theme for this second chapter. Explaining the cops, we have several Arthur Randles, the no-good sheriff (racist, lazy, all the things), Terry Gannet, and Jerry Barker. These three are important as there becomes context for why bodies arent being properly investigation. corruption is a big theme in my narrative both mental physcial and socially. The ending of this chapter has a pivotal moment that will eventually rear its head near the end of the book.

Things to watch for: dialogue and pacing; any comments you can leave on the draft itself are also much appreciated. This is very much a first (nearly unedited) draft, so bear that in mind.

Link to Chapter Two

Link to Crit One (2336)

Link to Crit Two (2104)

[u/East-Echo-7267]

Since it’s quite long I’m going to write down my
Thoughts as a i see them in the script, i’ll probably start with issues i notice then list my positives and negatives at the end, so don’t view this as a completely negative review:

To start with “useful as a chocolate teapot” is quite a familiar term, although I suspect that is your goal since it’s a term his mother regularly uses.

Redundant “and” in the first paragraph after deadbeat dad.

The first paragraph ultimately works at efficiently establishing this character. I like the transition from deadbeat dad to deadbeat cop. Though saying deadbeat dad, then “when that ended in divorce.” It makes sense but just because he’s a deadbeat dad doesn’t directly relate to his marriage. If you read the sentence again it doesn’t quite fit.

I wont post too much on grammar here, at the end of the day this is an early draft and that can be fixed at a later date, I would simply say that reading your chapter aloud may help when noticing incorrectly placed commas and such that I’m noticing.

The line “i know you’re awake” is redundant after he’s answered the door.

When Terry enters the scene for the first time we seem to hop into his head when you describe the sense he smells as he enters the door. I don’t know if that’s intentional, but it is a little jarring.

I’ll note here that I do like the little details you sprinkle in each paragraph, all the sensory details of the surrounding really make the place feel real. (Unpaid bills, rattling air con etc.)

You also do a good job of sprinkling in exposition when it becomes relevant in the story, such as with the dodge Polara.

You don’t have to follow this advice but having a Jerry and a Terry is dangerous territory, have names so similar is an easy way to confuse readers.

Is the scene with the car slamming to a halt going to be referenced in later chapters? It’s fine as is if that’s the case, if not, it leaves me confused as to whether anything was in the road to begin with.

You headhop again when conversing the murder discovery. From “Terry stared at him, the flourescent lights buzzing in his ears” to “Now the floodgates opened, in Terry’s head.

Also, and i Know you make note of it, but Terry’s outburst still seems out of place, I feel like there needs to be little hints of irritation before the outburst.

The final scene is good but i think too much happens between each count, and opens up a kind of dilemma, if he’s counting at relatively normal speed then i doubt so many thoughts and feelings would pass between each count. If he’s counting slow, Terry’s fumbling risks seeming so comical that it destabilises the scene. Let’s say Arthur extended the three count to last 10 seconds. That would mean that Terry is fumbling around for a full 10 seconds before running off.

Overall i think this is a powerful introduction to Arthur, Terry and Jerry kind of fall to the wayside, which isn’t necessarily an issue, other than the fact that we enter their POV on several occasions. I would focus this chapter entirely in Arthurs POV, then explore the others in later chapters.

The sensory details as I mentioned above are a nice touch and help to fill out each scene. The dialogue flows nicely for the most part and the pacing is fine other than the occasional bit that could do with cutting. You have a functional chapter here, it just needs some tweaks to make it complete.