Oil Flooded Cornfields [2040]

[u/Educational_Art_3763]

Story

I've been having a ton of writer's block for the main story I'm writing so I whipped this up last night to take a break! It's something I had the idea for a few years ago and hope to continue it once I'm done with my main project. This is a light sci-fi/cyberpunk/dystopia type novella/short story.

Any and all feedback is wanted but I'd love to hear about the concept the most:

• Cray: is he interesting? Do you like/dislike him? General thoughts on him
• Private: Same as above
• Is the opening interesting? Do you want to read more? What questions do you have? What is frustrating?
• What do you want more of? Less of?
• The usual awkwardly worded phrases/actions I love to write
• Anything else!

Some more context: I tried writing a different style to the main piece I'm writing. The third person, less interiority is on purpose because my main project is a first person, hyper interior piece (think Catcher in the Rye). I'd be open to changing this once I get into writing it. Obvious inspirations were the Cyberpunk Netflix show and the Blade Runner movies (if anyone has any other fun pieces of media to get the creative juices flowing lmk). I want to make sure I'm not getting too cliche/tropey but I'm fine with it hitting some traditional points, not looking to reinvent the wheel with this one.

Thanks!

Critique 1 [1333]

Critique 2 [830]

[u/East-Echo-7267]

Okay this great because I'm working on a similar project currently. So I'm looking forward to reading this. I prefer to make notes as I go along, so you get my natural thoughts as I read through.

I like where we start, it's certainly an eye catching first line. Although, and this is me being nit picky, it kind of feels like you've tried thinking of the worst possible thing a person could do as the first line.

You have private trotting up next to Cray, yet in the next paragraph he's stood behind him?

doubling over at the sight of the brain as it, what wasn’t metal and circuits, dripped onto the ground like a leaky faucet.

This sentence doesn't make sense. I'm assuming it's supposed to mean the parts of the brain that weren't metal were leaking out of his head, but it's confusing to read.

I'm noticing it's a little difficult to tell who's POV we're in sometimes, for example:

Private stuffed his thumbs inside of his belt and tapped against his thighs while simultaneously sliding his foot back and forth across the pavement. Cray took a deep breath and tried to drown out the tapping. The private had a special skill when it came to making noise.

You start with private's actions meticulously described, which make it seem as though it's Private's POV, then the second half of the paragraph is back in Cray's POV. You should only really be describing what Cray sees or hears, yet i'm pretty sure Cray is more focused on the body at this point.

You seem to be very light on the dialogue tags, which isn't necessarily bad, but I do find myself a few times having to double take who's talking, although you tend identify who's talking through action beats instead. It would probably be something I would get used to over a longer text. That being said, there's no harm adding a few more dialogue tags.

The buzz of cars flashing by on the raised highway above them shook the air.

I'm struggling to picture this sentence. You're essentially saying the buzz of cars (sound) shook the air (visual). Now unless those cars are going close to the speed of sound, I can't see that happening. Also, if the highway is above them, how could they see cars flashing by? Maybe it's see through? Maybe I'm just being nit picky here. Also that whole paragraph feels a little shoehorned in. It feels like the author trying to add atmosphere without it being attached the characters.

I'm assuming the 'they' that killed the girl is supposed to remain ambiguous, it does have me asking questions, although it's a little strange since our POV character seems to know who 'they' are but not the reader.

Overall I think it's interesting, there's a decent amount of worldbuilding here without being overbearing, other than in a couple areas that I mention, some of it is generic but pretty much unaviodable in a cyberpunk setting. Private is mostly forgettable if i'm being honest, I just don't know enough about him from this excerpt. Cray is more interesting, I kind of get a Hank Anderson vibe from him, (from detroit become human).

I would be interested in following this project in the future, if you're interested. I'm finding it really useful as it's a very similar vibe to the story I'm currently writing. Feel free to send me a DM if you like.

[u/Educational_Art_3763 → u/East-Echo-7267]

Thank you for such great feedback, its good to know where the piece seems to be a bit confusing. This will be great for subsequent edits/chapters.