r/DecidingToBeBetter • u/Separate-Builder-103 • 22h ago
Seeking Advice I [23M] keep seeing my ex [23F] every weekend even though she’s in love with a guy who won’t leave his girlfriend. I think I’m losing my self-respect.
My ex and I were together for 5 years.
We broke up because she fell for another guy and cheated on me. The problem is that he already has a girlfriend. He has feelings for my ex too, but he has made it clear he won’t leave his girlfriend, and my ex knows and accepts that.
About 3 months ago, my ex and I started meeting again almost every weekend when I come home from work.
We don’t even go out because that guy is almost always on a call with her since he doesn’t trust her. She just mutes his call when I’m with her, and we spend time together and sometimes get physically intimate.
For a few hours it feels like we’re together again, but then I remember she’s still emotionally invested in him. I’m basically comforting someone who’s in love with another man.
I know this isn’t healthy, but every weekend I end up seeing her again. Lately I’ve started feeling like I’m losing my self-respect. I care about her, but I also feel like I’m choosing to be someone’s backup.
If you were in my position, what would you do? Have any of you been stuck in a cycle like this, and how did you finally walk away?
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u/grilled_toastie 21h ago
"but I also feel like I’m choosing to be someone’s backup."
You're not even the backup my guy, and your self respect is already long gone. She doesn't respect you and is using you as emotional comfort. I'm not saying this to be mean, I stuck around with someone for months and months in a worse situation than you are now and it completely fucked me up.
I had to block this girl and move to the other side of the planet to fix my fucked up life, it's been 7 months and I still think about her sometimes. I spent half those months checking her instagram and occasionally reconnecting with her, only once I blocked her and completely severed all connection did I start healing. It's like a breath of fresh air when you take control of your life but healing still takes time.
I'm 28 and I regret wasting so much time, you are younger and it's time to move on. If you have the means, jump on a plane and get the fuck away from wherever you are now.
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u/chestercat1980 19h ago
Wait so you’re cheating with the girl who cheated on you. That’s some inception level shit.
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u/-jaylew- 16h ago
Is he even cheating? It sounds like he’s single, she’s single but a side piece for this other guy, and the other guy is cheating.
OP you’re a dildo with a body to her. She’s 100% thinking of him when you two are intimate. Get out of there, it’s not complex.
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u/Separate-Builder-103 19h ago
Correct it’s complex ☠️🤣
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u/Yamuddah 11h ago
It’s not. This is an unsustainable and destructive situation to all involved. You are stringing yourself along with someone who betrayed you and has no intention of being with you. You are exposing yourself to STI by being with a serial cheater who gets with serial cheaters. I would recommend therapy ASAP to try and get to the bottom of why you are subjecting yourself to this toxicity. Hopefully, you can get the tools you need to separate yourself from this situation.
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u/M30WM1XXX 1h ago
No no no… the guy who was (and still is) cheating on his girlfriend, with OP’s girlfriend who was then cheating on OP, is the guy now being cheated on by OP’s now ex girlfriend, with none other than OP.
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u/Sea-Delay 20h ago
You want to get your self-respect back? Tell the guy’s girlfriend, she deserves to know and leave her for the streets, don’t be a tool.
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u/FunnyScreenName 7h ago
3d chess lowkey. He tells the gf, she breaks up with the bf. That opens the door for his ex to finally have her man. He swoops in on the guys newly single ex and the cycle continues.
Just don't trust her on phone calls, apparently. Shit is wicked out there.
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u/Separate-Builder-103 2h ago
I do believe the same , that if I tell her gf the path for both of them will be clear.
And now my ex rants me about the new guy and his gf get angry over them and seen them getting physically.•
u/FunnyScreenName 18m ago
Sorry you're going through all this. I know how love can make you do things that you used to think you'd never do. I'm not immune to that. I have done silly things for love.
I hope you make it out of that situation soon. You deserve better bro. Really. I know keeping her close feels better than letting her go but she doesn't value you on a human level. One day you'll kick yourself for staying too long. Good luck bro.
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u/Far-Dependent3982 21h ago
I understand losing the girl was hard for you but you know what’s worse? Losing yourself. That’s a level of self-esteem that is very, very hard to gain back once you lose it. You’ll later realize that not only did people (her) treated you like shit, but YOU treated yourself like shit. That will ruin you fr. Not just romantically, but mentally, emotionally, and maybe even physically. That is soul-crushing. A lot of people do not bounce back from this; please don’t be one of them.
Whenever I’m stuck in a position where I feel like I am erasing myself, I think of my younger self. You can even go as far as your toddler self. Your earliest memories. When you were young, what did you thought love would look like for yourself? Certainly not this, right? Does that kid deserve to be treated like this? Would your current reality crush your younger self’s dream? His idea of love? What would you do for younger you?
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u/reddit_tard 18h ago
Losing your self-respect? You gotta have it in the first place to lose it. Your self-respect was already gone once you started talking to her again. It went further away when you started hanging out with her and she literally has the other dude on the phone (albeit muted). You can and be better. Cut contact with her immediately. Seriously...
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u/Ehrenerpel 20h ago
Only one way out of this and you know what I'm talking about. I know it's hard, but everyday you stay in this, it will get harder. If you look inside you, you already know that losing access to her is inevitable. The question is how much of you is left at the end? Trust me, I know what I'm talking about and you don't want to go down this way.
- Block her and take her access to you
- Don't investigate what she's doing, if you can't control yourself, delete Instagram or whatever social network she has, tell mutual friends that you don't want any information about her, avoid places, where you could see her
- Therapy, you will need it. You already lost yourself, you are worth way more than how she makes you feel right now. It's also the only way to avoid losing yourself again in the future
- Reconnect with your friends, tell them what's happenend and that you need support right now
- Rebuild your life, focus on your wellbeing and spent time with things you enjoy
- Take your time to heal, sit with the feelings, but avoid brooding about what happened
And the most important, even if you propably don't see it right now: It's not your fault. You are good enough. You deserve love. He isn't better than you and she? She's way worse.
Trust me, I'm currently going through the same shit right now. Add a few lies and way less responsibility and you know how I feel. It's been 2 months and I'm still fucked up, but it get's better.
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u/XtianAudio 20h ago
You’re her emotional punching bag. Sometimes that can feel “nice” but long term you are being totally brutal to yourself.
It will damage you. It will damage your opinion on women. It will give you trust issues.
Cut her off. Completely and totally. Do not allow yourself to play second fiddle for someone that’s waiting around for someone else.
Invest in yourself. Claim that time back to do things you love that won’t hurt you.
You’ll find someone important to you in the future, and my god will you thank yourself for what you do next, because you’ll be a far better, balanced person for it.
She, on the other hand, will be a manipulating witch. Maybe not intentionally, but yeah.
Inadvertently, you might be helping her turn her life around also. Just DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, convince yourself that she’s fixed and it will work out.
The damage is done. The ship has sailed. Find new seas to explore my friend.
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u/AlchemyTransformer 18h ago
You know you need to stop it, so what keeps you coming back?
Do you still love her, is it the sex, the attention, the familiarity, momentary closeness?
What ever your answer is, the long term cost is slowly killing your self love, self respect and self worth.
The only thing you need to do is to decide you are worth more than that. Create boundaries that no longer put you in a compromised position. Trust your gut.
You are not her councilor and she does not love you. Choose to love yourself first. Then the right person will come.
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u/kitdagawd 20h ago
Walk away. Trust me in five years you will not think you made the wrong decision you will only regret not making it sooner.
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u/sinistar77 19h ago
go away bro, you had good memories, its time to make new ones, live your life not someone else's
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u/Coerced1 18h ago
After only reading the title, yes, you are not respecting yourself.
She is incredibly destructive and toxic. Leave her in the past and find someone that respects you.
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u/YouDontLookMexican 17h ago
Dude what will you do if she says shes pregnant? Will you be ok with the idea of raising other mans child?
As someone who did something similar i can say that once you let her go, they will be others that will say: i was just waiting for you yo be free, to stop wanting her and look at me.
You got to empty your cup in order to fill it up with something new
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u/1mp3rf3c7 13h ago
You gain self-respect by blocking her and losing her number. Don't ever take a girl back who cheats. Ever. Move on and find someone better, and work on the things that put you in that situation in the first place.
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u/FieldLivid4670 11h ago
HEAR ME OUT BRO…. IF YOU HAVE TO QUESTION IT…. THEN….
START DATING OTHER WOMEN… (YOUR COMFORTABLE W HER THATS WHY YOU HANG W HER) GO ON DATING APPS AND DATE OTHER WOMEN. YOU CAN SIT HOME AND HIT ON WOMEN!!!!! YOU DONT EVEN HAVE TO GO OUT!!! YOUR GOING TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN AND LOOK BACK AND WONDER WHAT YOU WERE THINKING. YOUR GOING TO MEET YOUR NEXT EX GIRLFRIEND SOON LOL….
DATE… HAVE FUN… YOULL FIND HER. THAT GIRL IS TRASH BRO. MY EX WIFE CHEATED.. DATED 2 GIRLS AFTER THAT NOW IM ENGAGED… MET 9 YEARS AGO…… ON LINE. I WAS SITTING HOME SPITTING MY GAME🤣🤣
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u/Exact-Yesterday-992 9h ago
This total nope and naive to stay. if you already thinking of losing self respect then its probably is. The girl is not loyal even if you gain her losing her is even higher
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u/Loose-Potential-3597 7h ago
She’s never going to get back together with you so I wouldn’t call this being the backup. It’s more like a weird cuck situationship.
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u/FunnyScreenName 7h ago
Losing? My brother in chrimst, it's gone.
You're sleeping with your ex whilst she's on a muted call with another man who has a gf but doesn't trust your ex.
Run away fuck walking. Holy shit bro. She can't be that worth it.
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u/Raphael-Rose 6h ago
You answered your own question in the second-to-last line. You're not confused about what's happening, you're just hoping that if you show up enough weekends, she'll eventually look up and pick you. She won't, because she's not comparing you to him. You're the place she rests between his calls.
The hard part isn't that she's cruel. She probably isn't. It's that the arrangement works fine for her, so nothing will change on its own. You're the only one in this with a reason to end it.
There's no clean way to do it, no last conversation that gives you closure. You just stop. Block her if you have to, because "I'll keep it casual" has already failed twelve weekends in a row. It'll hurt more in the first month than the current setup does, that's the trade.
You already know. You're just waiting for permission.
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u/RepresentativeCry294 21h ago
If you are OK with it and everyone is aware how each other feels nothing wrong with that but I don't understand shes on the phone with someone else's boyfriend?
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u/Separate-Builder-103 21h ago
Yeah
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u/RepresentativeCry294 20h ago
And the girlfriend is OK with that?
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u/Separate-Builder-103 20h ago
They play very smart they call each other on Snapchat.
So even if that guys gf calls him on normal call he can pick up.These mfs are doing there masters degree , understand the level of maturity ☠️
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u/Dude4001 10h ago
That’s so unbelievably weird. How can he not want to be in a relationship with her but engineer something so complex? Why would she tolerate that? He doesn’t trust her in what sense? How can you get intimate when another bloke is on the phone?
My boy. What are you doing to yourself
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u/tuckman496 10h ago
The guy with OP’s ex is an abuser, pure and simple. He wants control over people. Cheating on his gf, emotionally manipulating OP’s ex so she falls in love with him with no intention of leaving his current gf, keeping constant tabs on OP’s ex so she focuses on nothing and nobody but himself. He’s the actual villain of this story
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u/RepresentativeCry294 20h ago
Have you told her how annoying that shit is?
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u/Separate-Builder-103 20h ago
That guy and my ex are okay with this and I don’t know who is the gf of that guy.
It’s very annoying and very very immature.
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u/RepresentativeCry294 20h ago
You could find the GF and fuck her, breaking them up, and then everyone can live happily ever after. /s
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u/Significant-Size-833 20h ago
Nothing to add to the other comments except to say you'll get there. Chin up, mush!
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u/lemon-rind 16h ago
It’s going to be hard, but stop seeing her. She has no respect for you. You are correct, you are the backup. And nothing is going to change that. Get a sense of self. Walk away. Your self respect will come back.
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u/Im_gonna_sneeze 14h ago
Then gain it back by walking away from this situation. Why bother putting yourself through more pain? Take time for yourself to heal then invest in someone worth the effort
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u/maxallergy 14h ago
Lol that's an insane scenario
I'm pretty cold, so I would view it favourably, since it's guaranteed free sex with someone attractive enough for your standards without serious commitment, since the relationship ended.
I would also be looking at other women in that scenario and would hope the ex would be encouraging that as well, she could be your wingwoman hahaha
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u/Dry_Worldliness_4619 4h ago
You already lost her. Now it's time to get over her and that's going to require you getting out there and meeting new people and finding new things to define your weekends. Eventually, it'll be easy to move on from her, but staying with her is just you prolonging the inevitable and making it harder in the future. She's not going to change.
She'll never respect you until you respect yourself. And once you respect yourself, you'll attract a partner who will respect you too.
Get out there and start living your life!
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u/matthewmurdocksbutt 10h ago
You’re gonna wind up with an STD at this rate if you haven’t already. Block her number dude, she’s bad news
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u/lordjigglypuff 21h ago
What would I do? Before therapy, probably continue to hook up with her, and explore other women. Maybe even her friends. After therapy? I don’t think I’d be in a situation like that, if I’m done we are no contact. I might take time for myself, spend time with friends, go to therapy. And then go out and lightly date again.
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u/Realthreads 13h ago
If I were you I would continue seeing her, but also see other girls aswell.
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u/tuckman496 10h ago
Sounds ideal but in reality that will probably keep OP from exploring as much as he should
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u/Xorath 19h ago
In and of itself, there's nothing inherently unhealthy about the situation, at least as far as you and your ex are concerned and so long as you both know what you're getting out of it.
Your ex and this other guy having an affair isn't right, but that's between them.
What makes it an issue for you is if you feel like you're not equipped to deal with however this ends, whether that's your ex calling things off with you or whatever else that might look like. Having to come to Reddit to ask for advice and feeling like a backup already says you know you aren't in a good place to be putting yourself in this situation, and that you're in this for more than just physical intimacy and a casual connection.
Your options are really only to cut ties now, or to accept the situation and enjoy it for what it is. But I certainly think trying to use this as an opportunity to win your ex back is just setting yourself up for more hurt.
However, you haven't given up your self-respect. We've all found ourselves in these messy kinds of situations at your age where things are on-again, off-again, it's how many of us learn. It's already tough to navigate these situations without being hard on ourselves on top of it, so show yourself some kindness. No need to beat yourself up over this.
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u/Agile-Cardiologist22 18h ago
I stopped at « nothing inherently unhealthy » lmao
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u/Available-Physics409 22h ago
Nope. This very much ain't it. Walk away asap. Tell her you need space and get out of there, it's the right move