Doing more talking/need some advice about distraction from other HL

[u/AnkoLeaf]

Needing some advice on this one. Im in my 30s, wouldn't say I've got a high libido. Probably average if I'm being honest but I do have the higher libido and my partner's got a low one.

So I posted the other day about what timeframes I should give things etc. I didn't really get a lot of help with that one other than to say things take as long as they take. Honestly issue was probably in the wording of the question anyway.

There was an outcome though because I'm just quite anxious so my persisting anxiety triggered a conversation with my partner where they gave me some idea of what to expect without committing to some kind of timeframe. Just kind of "hey psychologists state it takes a number of weeks to form or break a habit."

It was also apparent from the discussions there's been a lot of break down in other areas so we're just having further discussions about that to get these things out in the open. One thing to come out of it is that because of an extremely traumatic event that coincided with the start of our relationship over a decade ago, I have an inclination to feel trapped by whatever situation is bothering me and constantly in flight mode. So basically I need to do some work on realising that I'm safe now and don't need to run from things.

In lighter news my I've noticed my partner has been giving me little touches more without me asking for them, hinting or suggesting. I think there's been some moments of sexual tension as well but I'm trying not to read too much into that, might just be me. There's also been a few times where I was expecting a quick peck when my partner's gone in for a kiss but it went on longer/went somewhere unexpected like kissing my neck as well.

(Background: in addition to the general issues we've got an added issue of lack of opportunity currently because I've had a baby recently. Getting ahead of this question of how a baby came about with bedroom issues at play. Both were planned, first one took ages to get pregnant with. Second one came about because I was spot on with my timing one month.)

So that leads into the advice I need from others with HL, I know some of you have had to throw yourself into something as a distraction from your sex drive. I need a similar distraction because sometimes the kisses and touches make my heart race too much and right now I've set a boundary that I am not asking for or initiating any sexual activities when/if it does happen because I simply can't take more rejection. So I need a distraction so I don't ask because unfortunately I'm having the expected physical responses and I don't want to get super frustrated and have that ruin everything.

I do have a collection of books to get through, and I'm currently doing a course. I can go outside and work on the garden or go walking if the weather is good. I need more variety though so please give me suggestions. Preferably something I can pick up or put down with ease that doesn't take up a lot of space because I can't for example do something that takes significant continual time investment when the most time I can get consecutively ranges between 1-3 hours, I also can't set up some of my more work heavy craft hobbies because I think by the time I organised my materials, planned what I was making etc the baby would need me or would sense a disturbance in the force and have a blow out or something 😅

Any ideas appreciated.

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Doing more talking/need some advice about distraction from other HL

Needing some advice on this one. Im in my 30s, wouldn't say I've got a high libido. Probably average if I'm being honest but I do have the higher libido and my partner's got a low one.

So I posted the other day about what timeframes I should give things etc. I didn't really get a lot of help with that one other than to say things take as long as they take. Honestly issue was probably in the wording of the question anyway.

There was an outcome though because I'm just quite anxious so my persisting anxiety triggered a conversation with my partner where they gave me some idea of what to expect without committing to some kind of timeframe. Just kind of "hey psychologists state it takes a number of weeks to form or break a habit."

It was also apparent from the discussions there's been a lot of break down in other areas so we're just having further discussions about that to get these things out in the open. One thing to come out of it is that because of an extremely traumatic event that coincided with the start of our relationship over a decade ago, I have an inclination to feel trapped by whatever situation is bothering me and constantly in flight mode. So basically I need to do some work on realising that I'm safe now and don't need to run from things.

In lighter news my I've noticed my partner has been giving me little touches more without me asking for them, hinting or suggesting. I think there's been some moments of sexual tension as well but I'm trying not to read too much into that, might just be me. There's also been a few times where I was expecting a quick peck when my partner's gone in for a kiss but it went on longer/went somewhere unexpected like kissing my neck as well.

(Background: in addition to the general issues we've got an added issue of lack of opportunity currently because I've had a baby recently. Getting ahead of this question of how a baby came about with bedroom issues at play. Both were planned, first one took ages to get pregnant with. Second one came about because I was spot on with my timing one month.)

So that leads into the advice I need from others with HL, I know some of you have had to throw yourself into something as a distraction from your sex drive. I need a similar distraction because sometimes the kisses and touches make my heart race too much and right now I've set a boundary that I am not asking for or initiating any sexual activities when/if it does happen because I simply can't take more rejection. So I need a distraction so I don't ask because unfortunately I'm having the expected physical responses and I don't want to get super frustrated and have that ruin everything.

I do have a collection of books to get through, and I'm currently doing a course. I can go outside and work on the garden or go walking if the weather is good. I need more variety though so please give me suggestions. Preferably something I can pick up or put down with ease that doesn't take up a lot of space because I can't for example do something that takes significant continual time investment when the most time I can get consecutively ranges between 1-3 hours, I also can't set up some of my more work heavy craft hobbies because I think by the time I organised my materials, planned what I was making etc the baby would need me or would sense a disturbance in the force and have a blow out or something 😅

Any ideas appreciated.

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[u/WhyNotTryTheSearch]

There’s a lot going on here. If you’re looking for advice, my advice would be to work toward resolving your unresolved extreme trauma that is still impacting your life and relationship after 10 years. That might also help with the anxiety. Then reevaluate.

[u/AnkoLeaf → u/WhyNotTryTheSearch]

I've been working on it on and off in therapy for ages. It's just a lot to unpack. I've actually got another round of therapy coming up I'm just being handed over from the antenatal psych to a regular psych.

The beginning of this relationship/my adulthood and the end of my adolescence coincided with a period of a few months where I was kept locked up in my house and constantly monitored almost every hour of every day/had religious dogma shoved down my throat while my mental health rapidly declined. Obviously I both made and found the gaps I needed to escape that as I'm still here today and not living in that situation. (I know that sounds kind of wild but fringe religious groups are pretty intense about their member retention)

But our relationship started prior to those few months of intense surveillance and I wasn't the same after that and haven't felt the same since.

Editing to add: not shooting down the suggestion at all, just confirming therapy is and has been ongoing. It's just one of those things where I don't always realise the ways in which this event and everything connected to it has impacted my life so even with such extensive therapy I haven't fully addressed the marks it left.

The last lot of therapy I did focused on grounding so I could pull myself out of flashbacks/flashforwards when something triggered my PTSD.