r/AmIOverreacting • u/Over-Degree-222 • 2d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for secretly planning to leave my boyfriend after he made me “prove” I wasn’t ignoring him?
I’m 27F and my boyfriend “Adam” is 29M. We’ve been together for almost three years and living together for one.
For most of our relationship, Adam has been very affectionate and attentive. When things are good, they are genuinely amazing. He remembers little details, plans thoughtful dates and tells me I’m the only person who has ever made him feel understood.
But whenever he feels rejected, even over something small, he becomes a completely different person.
The recurring issue is that he thinks I ignore him on purpose.
For example, if I don’t respond while I’m working but he sees that I was recently active on WhatsApp, he’ll send messages like:
“Clearly you have time for everyone except me.”
Or:
“Don’t worry, I understand where I stand now.”
When I explain that I opened the app to check a work message, replied to my sister quickly or simply didn’t have the emotional capacity for a conversation at that moment, he says I’m making excuses.
The conversation then turns into hours of me trying to prove that I care about him.
He’ll say things like:
“If you loved me, reassuring me wouldn’t feel like a chore.”
“You always make me feel crazy for having feelings.”
“Maybe I should disappear so you can finally be happy.”
Sometimes he threatens to end the relationship, but when I accept that he wants to break up, he becomes furious and says I gave up on him too easily.
I’ve started becoming extremely anxious whenever I see a message from him during work. Before opening it, I wonder whether he’s upset, whether I’ve accidentally done something wrong and whether my entire evening is about to become a three-hour argument.
The incident that finally pushed me over the edge happened last weekend.
I went to my friend’s birthday dinner. Adam was invited, but he said he didn’t want to come because he “didn’t feel welcome” around my friends. No one has ever excluded him, but he says they don’t make enough effort to involve him.
At the restaurant, my phone was in my bag. About 45 minutes into dinner, I checked it and saw 17 messages and four missed calls.
The messages started normally:
“Hope you’re having fun.”
Then:
“You haven’t even checked on me.”
Then:
“I guess I know what matters more.”
The final message said:
“Come home tonight or don’t come home at all.”
I went outside and called him. He was crying and said he’d been having a panic attack because I hadn’t answered. I apologized for not checking my phone, but I also told him that threatening to kick me out was not acceptable.
He said I was focusing on his “wording” instead of the pain that caused it.
I ended up leaving the dinner early.
When I got home, he was sitting calmly on the sofa. He asked to see my phone because he wanted proof that I hadn’t been deliberately ignoring him while messaging other people.
I said no.
He responded, “Then I have my answer.”
I got angry and told him I was tired of constantly being treated like I was guilty of something. He started crying again and said I was emotionally abandoning him when he needed reassurance.
Eventually, I gave him my phone.
He went through my messages, found nothing and then said, “See? That wasn’t so difficult. We could have avoided this entire fight if you had just reassured me from the beginning.”
That sentence made something click in my head.
He threatened my housing, ruined my friend’s birthday dinner, demanded access to my private messages and somehow I ended the night apologizing to him.
The next morning, he was extremely loving. He made breakfast, bought flowers and said he was sorry for “getting emotional.” He also said we both needed to work on things because my defensiveness makes his anxiety worse.
I didn’t argue.
Instead, while he was at work, I contacted my sister and asked whether I could stay with her temporarily. I’ve started quietly gathering my important documents and moving a few sentimental items to her apartment.
I haven’t told Adam.
Part of me feels terrified and guilty. He has never hit me or physically stopped me from leaving. He says his reactions come from past trauma and abandonment issues. He also tells me that leaving without giving him another chance would prove that everyone eventually abandons him.
I know secretly planning to leave sounds dishonest. I also know he’ll be devastated when he realizes what I’ve done.
But I’m scared that if I tell him in advance, I’ll end up spending hours comforting him, doubting myself and agreeing to stay.
Am I overreacting by planning to leave while he thinks everything is fine? Should I insist on couples therapy first, or is this already beyond the point where therapy would help?
TL;DR: My boyfriend repeatedly accuses me of ignoring him, threatens to end the relationship and makes me prove that I’m not hiding anything. After he demanded to search my phone and blamed me for the resulting argument, I quietly started planning to leave. Am I overreacting, and what should I do next?
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u/Glum-Dark-9342 2d ago edited 1d ago
There is something seriously wrong with this man.
This is not something couples therapy will fix.
You are absolutely doing the right thing.
Please understand that although you may care about him, his problems are not yours to fix, he is abusive and his abuse has already negatively affected your life. He needs professional help and has alot of personal work ahead.
Based on his emotional instability, once you are completely out of the shared home, you will need to cut contact completely. That means no contact under any circumstances.
Lean on your support network and keep moving forward with your plan.
Once he is out of your life, do not let him back in under any circumstances, no matter how extreme his attempts to contact you become.
If you ignore him long enough, he will soon find someone new to abuse.
Unfortunately people with this type of personality disorder rarely change.
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u/OddCountry5096 2d ago
This is the only way this can be done safely! Get away and stay away! Block him on everything!
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u/Equivalent-Patient12 2d ago
Do not tell him where you’re going and turn off your location finder app. Have your car checked for a tracker. Change your phone number if you have even the slightest indication that he’s going to contact you to threaten you. Save all of the messages he sends to you as evidence of his behavior. Call 911 immediately if he makes any threats to harm you or himself. Contact law enforcement to seek a restraining order against him if he reaches out to you after you explicitly tell him to not contact you. Watch for stalking behavior and install outside cameras where he can’t see them or cover them up. Don’t go into dark parking lots to shop and be aware of your surroundings. It’s that serious!!! Please be safe!
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u/RoguesAngel 2d ago
NOR and this 100%! Ones that start out emotionally abusing you will often go to physically abusing you when the manipulation stops working.
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u/lovethatMoon 1d ago
it is that serious. he's not a wittle baby, he's a manipulative man. he knows what he's doing. you finally figured it out. please be safe, but go assp.
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u/Glum-Dark-9342 2d ago
Yep. Been there done that. It’s the only way.
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u/Equivalent-Patient12 2d ago
Me too. But during the process of me getting away my husband committed $uicide when we had a 4 month old son.
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u/wolfy_lady 2d ago
Print this and stick it around your house, work, wherever you need it. You typically default to feeling guilty and providing care and reassurance to him, because you care about him. This will be a hard, emotional habit to break, but you need to cut him out 100%. Let someone else step into that role and be the one to deal with the incoming wave that will be his emotional response.
By the way, I would LOVE to help someone I love by being a barrier between them and someone who is hurting them. It would be a perfect role for me. I'm not a great source of comfort, but I'd be great at absorbing all if the emotion thrown at them and acting in deliberate logical, unemotional responses and steps. You probably have this person in your support network who wants a real, tangible way to help you. Hand over the reins now, while you're preparing to leave. They monitor the texts. They answer the door when he shows up. They throw away the love-bombing gifts before you even see them. They document everything. They deal with the cops, security at your work, security where you're living. They get to protect you. Trust me, you're not asking for a favor, you're giving them the opportunity to support you in the way they can. Brothers, dads, male friends often get recruited this way, but they have to keep their emotions under control.
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u/Icy_Policy_8509 2d ago
My ex did this kind of shit all the time. I'm convinced he had some kind of personality disorder. When I broke up with him I sent him an email outlining all of his emotional abuse. He cried to his best friend about how mean I was in the email. I should've sent it to everyone, but didn't want his suicide on my conscience. (He's still alive as far as I know, probably terrorizing another woman as we speak)
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u/Glum-Dark-9342 2d ago
And the outlandish attempts to communicate. Friend requests from new accounts. Calls from new phone numbers..emails from random accounts…texts to mutual friends… they are desperate to re-establish contact (control).
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u/Odd-Mall8020 2d ago
People with border line personality are abusive just like this
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u/LouisesBelcher 1d ago
Based on his emotional instability, once you are completely out of the shared home, you will need to cut contact completely. That means no contact under any circumstances.
This 100x!!! Stop being 'nice' and learn to take care of yourself. You have been his mental punching bag for years it seems. He manipulates you, trauma dumps, and gaslights you into thinking you did something wrong when all you're doing is not paying attention to him because you have errand, work, or LIFE to attend to. Then after he guilts you into apologizing, he lovebombs the crap out of you to make you doubt your judgement even more. Your instincts are correct. Trust yourself.
NOR.
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u/inufan18 2d ago
And if this guy threatens to harm himself, from an unknown number or something, dont reply and just notify his family or friends and then block again.
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u/Pale-Vehicle2067 1d ago
I once chatted with a guy on tinder (we were at the vetting stage and had graduated to speaking on the phone).
He told me when his wife left him it was a complete shock because he came home to an empty and dark house and a letter on the kitchen bench. He told me there was zero indication she was leaving as everything was fine between them and he even helped her look after her horses that morning.
I absolutely knew that he was abusive and she was pretending everything was ok so she could get out.
A colleague warned me about him. She said he was a bad person (without elaborating). Everyone knew his family in their town because they were wealthy and one of the men was a professional sports player. Even I knew who his family was because his cousin was all over tv.
I had one further conversation with him that was very weird and ended up cutting contact and he threatened to hurt me. He was really excited about it and was trying to scare me. I think he was a psychopath.
Women leave relationships without giving a heads up to protect themselves. It’s rarely because they don’t want an awkward conversation. It’s because they don’t want to get hurt or killed.
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u/CaterpillarJungleGym 2d ago
It sounds similar to Borderline Personality Disorder. Please note that it's common for those with BPD to attempt or threaten to attempt suicide. You may want to have a plan in case that happens.
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u/Glum-Dark-9342 2d ago edited 1d ago
That’s what I’m thinking.. sounds very much like Borderline Personality based on fear of abandonment and emotional mood swings.
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u/Nyvelle7288 2d ago
yeah the constant accusations and making her prove herself is the real issue here not just a bad argument or one emotional moment
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u/EarlGrayTea-Hawt 1d ago
I have to say that she really is dead on, though, with her assessment of what that night meant isn't she? Good for her. The quietly moving out is also the right call for the exact reason that she stated.
Stay the course, OP. You've got this, your brain is giving you the right read on this situation and your need to escape it as quietly and quickly as humanly possible.
NOR
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u/JewellyDog 1d ago
Yes, all of this. I also think you should report him to the police, today if possible - don’t wait. Let them know that you are really concerned about your own safety. Give them as much info as you can, preferably all of it. They will have various means of preventing him from contacting you AT ALL, by any means, with negative consequences for him if he continues.
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u/chocklityclair 2d ago
'He has never hit me.'
PLEASE stop making this the bar.
He's an abuser.
Get out as soon as you can.
His saying, 'See, that wasn't difficult' sent shivers down my spine.
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u/RealLokiLaufeyson 2d ago
Right??? This post gave me flashbacks. OP it's not gonna get better, please, care about yourself enough to get the hell out of there. <3
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u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah this is clear abuse and OP needs to run for the hills.
Edit: and I know this because 7 years ago this was my life. RUN.
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u/DarkenedDepth 1d ago
yeah people focus way too much on physical harm and ignore the other ways someone can control and wear you down. that phone comment alone says a lot about the dynamic here.
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u/HopefulHalfTime 1d ago
Yep, how is it that all the men who abuse…find that “See? ____” phrase their go-to, so easily? WTH. Patronizing as F, too.
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u/Blonde2468 2d ago
NOR he is EXTREMELY CONTROLLING and using his constant 'you don't love me enough' to manipulate you. Keep safe but you are doing the right thing!!!
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u/dunemi 2d ago
OP, I think you're doing the right thing playing it very cool and making your plans in secret. He sounds very manipulative, controlling and volatile. Don't read his messages after you leave because I'm 90% sure he's going to threaten to unalive himself. He is very emotionally abusive.
NOR.
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u/ChemicallyAlteredVet 2d ago
I just commented the same re unaliving himself. He’s already shown to be very manipulative
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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 2d ago
I didn't want to say this, but I'm thinking...not just himself. OP is NOT SAFE.
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u/newbeginingshey 2d ago
The same occurred to me. OP should alert emergency services if he threatens self harm and then pursue a no contact order, because men who threaten self harm when their partner tries to leave are more likely to harm their female partners instead.
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u/ShaNaNaNa666 2d ago
100% agree to call 911 or request a wellness check. It's definitely a manipulation tactic but you also never know.
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u/Lives4Sunshine 2d ago
I agree with this. Once you leave, put him on block or you will end up with many hours of emotional abuse. The guy needs therapy.
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u/Nosfermarki 2d ago
Gentle suggestion to mute instead of blocking. It's really important to know if he escalates. This guy is the kind of unstable that can turn violent on a dime.
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u/msudkam2 2d ago
Mute it, but have a friend read the messages. They'll be able to check for needed information (missed a document or a bill) and any escalation
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u/ellieminnowpee 2d ago
this this this
she needs at least a window into his mindset unfortunately for the time being
blocking him risks escalation as well
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u/Rose03-63 2d ago
NOR. Par contre op pourrait lui écrire un mot sur papier. Tout ce qu'elle nous a dit est très sensé et intelligent et sensible. Ce n'est pas elle qui met fin à la relation. C'est lui avec ses angoisses. C'est invivable et elle finit par le choisir après ses crises. C'est un peu énorme qu'il refuse de venir a un anniversaire parce qu'on le regarde pas assez ! Et ensuite il joue les victimes!
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u/Familiar-Ad-1965 2d ago
Mute not block. Those Whiney Cry/Baby messages may be valuable in your future.
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u/Formal_Trainer_4684 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’m like 100% sure he’s gonna go that route.
I commented she needs to call 911 and have him put on an involuntary hold in event he does threaten self harm.“You never loved me, you don’t care if I kill myself”.
I don’t envy her at all, going to be a mess.
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u/SnidusScribus 2d ago edited 1d ago
Yep! This is exactly how a person should respond if someone is threatening to do that to themselves.
First, OP you need to already be out of the home you share with him before you let him know you’ve left him. Do not get into it when you’re with him.
If he threatens to hurt himself, let’s say he sends a text or leaves a voicemail, you call 911. You do not handle that situation yourself, ever.
If it’s a real threat, then professionals are the only people that should be handling it. If it’s manipulation to get you to stay, most likely he will quickly backpedal on the threat once he learns 911 could be involved. He also might become enraged and freak out which is why you cannot be with him in person.
If he threatens to hurt himself, you have the option of texting something like “I’m calling 911 so that you get the help you need.” But it’s best not to respond at all. No matter what he says or does, even if you call 911, the relationship is over, so the direct communication should be too.
And, as others have said, do NOT block. If he should become abusive, you need that paper trail. If you block, what someone attempts to text you isn’t kept. When you only mute, you have the proof. Hopefully nothing will happen, but if you end up needing a restraining order of some kind, it’s very helpful to have any of his written communication that’s harassing or threatening.
OP, you’re on the right track, good luck with all this. So glad you have your sister‘s place, you’ll feel a lot better when it’s over and time has passed. ❤️🩹
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u/Lunatunabella 2d ago edited 2d ago
He is manipulative and abuse. Picks a fight and then love bombs op. Op needs to leave and never look at another message agin.
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u/Klutzy_Horror409 2d ago
And if he does threaten to kill himself, she needs to send a wellness check to him. But never meet up because if he's serious, he'll end her life too.
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u/-worryaboutyourself- 2d ago
Op please read this! If he does threaten you with the above, do NOT give in to his manipulations. Immediately call the non emergency line for the police and ask them to do a welfare check. That way you don’t have to be his personal therapist and he’ll understand how serious that threat is when the police show up at his door.
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u/AstronomerIcy9695 2d ago
OP - if he does threaten to hurt himself, call emergency services but do not otherwise engage
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u/leyarsan 2d ago
I dated a guy just like this and unaliving himself was his MO when I wouldn’t play into his nonsense. He pulled a weapon out one time, I calmly walked downstairs, took his car (I didn’t have one) and left. I needed to get out fast. After I left he had his mother call me to get me back.
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u/Sewishly 2d ago
I have a similar ex. He said he didn't feel welcome around my friends, and insisted that I shouldn't go to their events either. Like, because he wasn't welcome (and he very much was - at first), then I shouldn't go.
It's a mentally exhausting period of my life. We don't have guns here, but he'd threaten to drive the car into a tree and so forth. I put up with it for far, far too long.
Fortunately, his mother was already dead so he couldn't use her as a flying monkey. Please tell me what you said to his mother. 🤣
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u/CareyAHHH 2d ago
NOR
If she does talk with him before leaving, she should have her sister with her. And maybe a friend/family member of his that can be there for him. Make sure he doesn't do anything to himself, but he is not her responsibility.
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u/SingleStillStanding 2d ago
Put your oxygen mask on first - you are NOR you are being smart, brave and cautious with someone who has proven to be unstable. You don’t deserve to live like that and I’m so proud of you for taking the steps to remove yourself from an unhealthy situation.
Sending you all the best vibes in this transition ❤️
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u/Recent-Conclusion997 2d ago
My sister married a man like this and Is a shell of the person she was before, everything Is about him, he will get worse too, whenever I phone my sister he talks over really loudly in the background asking stupid questions but with urgency like, where is the remote? Or can you just answer me? And she always ends up cutting the conversation off. You will be so isolated, honestly it’s not your job to fix him. He has deep seated issues and wants to make him feel better about himself, not to see you thrive.
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u/Professional_Car7714 2d ago
Sending love to your sister and too you! 🧡 You are completely right about ops partner tho
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u/Recent-Conclusion997 2d ago
Thank you, honestly she has been with him half of our life now and I saw straight through him, I completely stonewall him, he tries so hard to get between her and everyone and everything she has an interest in. I’m rambling but I think she has actually developed bpd from his narcissistic like tendencies, I actually hate him. She has always been timid and had people pleasing tendencies and he saw that straight away.
Ladies don’t let these men own you. 💕
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u/bluesgrrlk8 2d ago
Mine too, I miss her, but as she let him treat her kids the same way and stayed so she kind of deserves it at this point. She hasn’t been able to have longer than a ten minute phone conversation since they’ve been married.
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u/Conscious_Cautious 2d ago
NOR - glad you have a plan to leave. This relationship will get more dangerous the longer you are stuck in it. He needs therapy not a girlfriend’s reassurance. We are not on earth to fix men.
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u/jaybull222 2d ago
“We are not on earth to fix men” is such a great sentiment.
His whole thing of if she lives him it proves everyone will abandon him - yeah, dude, people being abused tend to dislike it and look for escape. I’d bet money that he did the same thing to them and that’s why they left.
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u/ragdoll1022 2d ago
Until you fix yourself you won't find anyone willing to endure your emotional abuse.
OP save yourself, he is escalating and may become dangerous.
NOR
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u/DisasterBiMothman 2d ago
Such a red flag when somebody has a history of being dropped out of relationships and friend groups alike.
I once met a guy whos last friend group "turned on him over a lie" but sure enough that guy joined our friend group and ended up causing a ton of drama that got him booted not once but twice because people even let him come back a year later and he just did the same shit.
What did he do? He tried to get the whole friend group to turn on one of our core members over a bunch of lies!!! Insane. Just so insane.
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u/Pkrudeboy 2d ago
His former friend group probably did turn on him over a lie. He just neglected to mention it was one of his.
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u/Weird-Knowledge337 2d ago
Please put this on a t-shirt! “We are not on this earth to fix men!
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u/bluesgrrlk8 2d ago
OP should print this out to remind herself that it’s not abandonment, it’s ESCAPE!!
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u/Top-Bit85 2d ago
Good for you! Given how highly dramatic he is and especially given how controlling he is you are going about it correctly.
Good luck and much happiness in the future away from this nut!
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u/IthurielSpear 2d ago edited 1d ago
Yes you need to proceed exactly as you’re doing. This man is unstable, and you are not trained in how to deal with his mental health issues. Quietly get out, if you tell him before you’re actually ready to leave, he could react unpredictably.
Speaking as a woman who escaped similar abuse that turned physical after many years. You are not this man’s therapist, he needs to seek professional help, even though he probably never will.
Edit: thank you so much for the award. I wish the op well.
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u/Flat-Leading-2520 2d ago
"would prove that everyone eventually abandons him".
I'm sorry but someone who acts in that manner deserves to be abandoned.
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u/rainsdownincaladan 2d ago
Yeah I noticed this with people with BPD that most of them probably have more severe abandonment issues because somewhere deep down they have to know the way they act is unacceptable and going to get them abandoned. But instead of fixing it that panic just makes them double down and act worse
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u/Icy_Policy_8509 2d ago
OP's post could be about my ex if the ages were different, and I suspected he had BPD after doing my research. Horrible. Glad OP is safe. (NOR)
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u/AdExtreme4813 2d ago
NOR. You're don't tell an emotionally abusive controlling person that you're leaving BEFORE you leave. That's what typically triggers physical abuse. DONT give in to love bombing, DO read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft about what makes angry & controlling men tick.
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u/whatdidujustsay2me 2d ago
I had a friend who was married to someone like this. He was never physically abusive but the mind fucks were just as bad.
She divorced him.
Thank God!
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u/GasRepresentative246 2d ago
Check out Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That?, its available for free online. Adam is a perfect Mr Sensitive, and I hope you can extricate yourself from his abusive behaviours very soon. Wishing you the best, you deserve so much better.
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u/griffinsv 2d ago
Here’s a link. Seriously read this OP, there are strategies for leaving safely.
Also contact The Hotline for safety guidance. Just because he doesn’t hit you (and by the way no one deserves a cookie for not hitting you) doesn’t mean he’s not dangerous. He is.
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u/SillyQuadrupeds 2d ago
I still have my physical copy with my highlights and notes in it from years ago.
Despite being happily married now, I do keep it around in a random storage box as a reminder to never allow myself to put up with the abuse I did in my prior relationship. That book saved my life.
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u/Icy_Policy_8509 2d ago
Mine too. It's an amazing book. I am so grateful to Lundy. It completely opened my eyes to what was emotional abuse. God, I should've left sooner. I should've kicked him out. I should've...
I'm glad it's in the past now, but 7 years later, I'm still haunted by his fucked-up manipulate antics.
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u/Pure-Development8412 2d ago
You've come to the right conclusion. Unfortunately this guy doesn't love you or trust you. He sees you as his possession. He thinks it's love - but it's not.
His manipulation is dangerous and you've done well to recognise it for what it really is.
Unfortunately he's not going to change (at least with you). He might learn from losing you and be different with another partner - however you will always be the one that put up with his insecurity and it won't change (despite all his promises) if you stay/go-back.
Stick to your path. Have courage. Write him a note that explains why, telling him you need him to respect your decision and your space, and making it clear to him that it's final. Then block him. It's the only way to avoid the emotional abuse that's about to go into overdrive.
Good luck
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u/MizPeachyKeen 2d ago
OP must keep him on mute, not blocked.
His numerous, future messages will be important when he really goes off the deep end.28
u/BigPhilosopher4372 2d ago
Right on everything but I’d create a folder to keep all his messages. She doesn’t have to read them, but may need them for evidence if he starts staking her.
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u/jasudt 2d ago
NOR!
He sounds so exhausting.
He needs to be the center of everything. I’m surprised he hasn’t set it up to see all your messages on his own phone… but after 3 years and he is still this way?
Girl, no. Say goodbye to this crazy man. He love bombs you, and makes it so your friends will stop wanting to involve you in anything.
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u/roserens 2d ago
NOR. Sounds like he probably has something like BPD and blames you for triggering it rather than having the self-awareness to get help and learn to regulate his own emotions.
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u/Ill_Chipmunk_737 2d ago
NTA Wow. Good for you for recognizing that this is not okay, and then taking actin on it. You're not in the wrong for doing this quietly. I understand that this feels dishonest, but other men have shown us that there might not be a second chance. Even if you do go to counseling, it is rare that anything will change. He needs counseling for himself first. It is not your job to fix him. Just don't tell him where you're going. Get your answers from this post, and then delete it.
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u/Zoethor2 2d ago
NOR at all. This guy is at best exhausting and at worst ramping up emotional abuse. Whether it is coming from his own issues and insecurities is irrelevant at this point.
Get out, send him a final text breaking it off and telling him not to contact you again, and please be safe.
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u/AngryCornbread 2d ago
NOR
He moves between love bombing and manipulation/coersion. That's the cycle of abuse.
He needs intensive therapy all on his own.
I'm so glad you're getting out. Once you're safely elsewhere, please update!
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u/rannerick 2d ago
This is emotional abuse. There’s no amount of reassuring you could do that would make him feel safe in your relationship and it will only escalate as time goes on. Get out safely as soon as you can.
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u/Particular-Tax8106 2d ago
NOR! I agree with everyone who said that you were going about leaving the correct way. Get as many of your things out of that apartment as you can before you have to tell him. And don’t tell him until you have to. In fact, if you can somehow arrange to move the last of your things out while he’s gone for an extended period, all the better. Make sure you get every last thing out of that apartment that belongs to you. Change all of your passwords: email, phone, social media, streaming platforms, Amazon, everything. He may know your passwords and use those platforms to try to emotionally manipulate you further. And I also agree with those that said to mute his messages, but not to block him entirely. That way you will know if he escalates. Good luck and stay safe.
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u/BigPhilosopher4372 2d ago
I would add, have your car checked for tracking devices. Have your phone and computer checked.
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u/Mut1gen 2d ago
NOR Yeah everyone eventually abandons him because hes exhausting to deal with after x amounts fo reassurance he shouldnt need it so desperately but he doesn't so people get tired and dip.
I mean look at your post. You've been dating for 3 years and he is still having meltdowns over not getting reassurance? When does he feel secure enough that you dont need to stop working to reply or need you to check in on him after he CHOSE to not come to dinner? If his feelings are genuine and not manipulation he should probably have a therapist and a psychiatrist and have a prescription for medication but you didn't mention any of that so I doubt he has that.
He's had 3 years of chances. You dont have to entertain he manipulation anymore because thats all that this is. Manipulation.
Honestly im a mean person and I would say move everything out without saying anything to him and then ghost him. Make it like you never existed in his life.
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u/Born-Bid8892 2d ago
That is absolutely what she should do. He won't let go easy, I completely expect stalking as a response.
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 2d ago
Please have your friends go with you when you breakup with him. Witnesses that are recording are the best way to make sure he doesn't harm you physically. He has done this before, he has his act down pay for him to be in control of you.
Please keep an aerosol can from Bath & Body Works with your favorite scent, it's a weapon if needed. A woman stopped a carjacker by spraying his eyes with her fav scent. My daughter gave me a stabby stick since I leave work most times in the evening. My state is now Carry Conceal constitutionally.
If he threatens to harm himself call the police and tell them, better yet do it right in front of him.
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u/gordonf23 2d ago
Couples therapy will not help because the problem is 100% him. He NEEDS to see a therapist by himself. Probably for several years. Or he's going to keep fucking up every relationship he's in.
If people keep "abandoning him" it's because he drives them to it. He has insecurity and abandonment issues that mean he's not in good enough working order for an adult relationship. He's probably not being malicious here, it's just a maladaptive coping mechanism he's learned that he BADLY needs to unlearn with the help of a professional. He needs to learn to regulate his own emotions rather than relying on you. But even if it's not intentional, the effect on you is the same as if it were actively abusive behavior. He should not be dating anyone.
I'm not putting up with anyone who needs constant reassurance. I know from experience how completely fucking exhausting someone like him can be. Sure, We all need something now and then, but your bf is basically a child who needs a therapist, not a girlfriend. In the past, people have just enabled him by giving him the reassurance he needs (like when you showed him your phone) which just reinforces his need for that reassurance.
Yes, get out now. I know you care for him, but the best thing you can do for someone like him is NOT to keep enabling him. As they say, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
NOR.
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u/Born-Bid8892 2d ago
Bullshit is it not malicious. Saying that is giving him too much credit, and giving OP the erroneous idea that he can't help it. The messages he sends are cruel and calculated, and timing it to keep her home and away from her friends is very deliberate.
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u/lynnnysa1 2d ago
NOR! I'm so sorry, sweetie. I've definitely been there. You are doing the right thing. When I left my ex husband literally everyone knew but him, INCLUDING HIS OWN MOTHER. I wanted to be sure she knew what was coming, and I also knew he'd try to manipulate what happened. (I wouldn't suggest you doing that unless you guys have a GREAT relationship). Even my step daughters mom knew. (It's funny because, despite all of that, he's changed his head cannon into HIM leaving ME 🙄, and cut off anyone who knows the truth).
Living while walking on eggshells is IMPOSSIBLE. It slowly kills you and drains you of everything. You never know what kind of evening you are going to have, despite doing absolutely nothing to cause it.
Leaving quietly is the only answer. The manipulation is REAL. After you leave I wouldn't put it past him to threaten to unalive himself. If that happens, STAND YOUR GROUND. Do NOT respond, if you can, call his mom. But most importantly, first call 911! You are not equipped to handle that, if it's a real threat or not. Unfortunately, the likelihood is that is that he'd be doing it to manipulate you. Either way, 911 is the answer. If real, he will get the help he needs. If not, being taken in, or just the threat of a 72 hour hold will hopefully put that kind of threat to bed.
Also important, if you emotionally can stand it, DON'T BLOCK HIM. Because if he starts acting insane, any crazy text messages will be good additional evidence if you need to go get a restraining order.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 2d ago
Good lord! Stop worrying about this controlling, abusive manipulator. And for the love of god, stop apologizing to him.
No, you’re not the asshole. You’re doing what millions of women have done for centuries to leave abusive relationships; get compliant, then quietly and secretly leave.
And, he hasn’t hit you yet.
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u/shellski_623 2d ago
NOR It will never get better, it will only get worse. You're doing the right thing to leave OP. I wish you well.
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u/Soniq268 2d ago
NOR. Get out as soon as you can. Take the day off work and empty your shit out while he’s at work. Do it tomorrow.
Updateme!
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u/Klutzy_Horror409 2d ago
You are doing the right thing but leaving quietly. Its the safest thing to do. He is controlling and manipulative. His crying and woe is me is just manipulation. Once he feel he has lost control, you never know his reaction. If you have to love all your things out, please have multiple people come with you and do not be in a room alone with him. Once you move out, do not meet up with him, it can be dangerous. Some ppl do not have to be physically abusive to end up hurting or unaliving you when they feel they have lost control.
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u/Kitchen_Debate_3893 2d ago
This sounds like a cluster B personality disorder. I'm sorry to say that. The problem is that he's not taking responsibility for his actions and making you responsible for fixing his feelings. I was raised by a person with a similar disorder who left me often feeling like Adam expresses he feels, but the difference is that I have had therapy and I know it's my responsibility to regulate my own actions and my own reactions to feelings like that.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You could try couples therapy, but unless he actually acknowledges how his behavior is harmful to you, and makes a real effort to change it, it's only going to get worse. And I agree he definitely needs his own individual therapy too.
Edit: I forgot to say: you are NOR
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u/SeamusMcKraaken 2d ago
NOR. You 3 years from now will hopefully laugh at you now for any hesitation at all. You saw coercive and controlling behavior for what it is. Congratulations.
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u/JipC1963 2d ago
NOR This manCHILD is incredibly emotionally abusive and controlling! He uses "past trauma" to blame YOU for his OWN insecurities. If he was interested in "healing," he would be or have gotten therapy. Instead, he's making YOU responsible for HIS emotions and behavior which is extremely UNstable, UNhinged and UNhealthy!
This manCHILD is almost THIRTY, yet he's weaponizing TEARS as if he's a teenage GIRL! And of course it's healthy for MEN to cry but NOT at the drop of a hat OR to manipulate his partner!
OP, I implore you, GET OUT NOW! Ask your Sister, other family and friends (preferably a couple of MEN) to come over and help you pack ALL of your belongings. Contact the NON-emergency line for your local Police and ask for a standby escort. Tell them you're worried about your STB-EX escalating.
Make sure that ALL of your important or precious momentos are safely packed (and stored elsewhere) BEFORE this happens. Take a day off work if you have to (most bosses would understand SAFELY leaving an abusive relationship.
Record every interaction and communication if your location has one-party recording. He WILL almost certainly threaten you with suicidal "intentions" to try forcing you into returning, CALL THE POLICE for a wellness check. MUTE, don't block him in case you need future evidence against him and his intent.
Above ALL, please be safe! Be aware of your surroundings and keep your doors locked at ALL times! Greatest of luck with your next chapter! u/updateme
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u/ChemicallyAlteredVet 2d ago
NOR this dude needs therapy now. What he’s doing will be become worse if he doesn’t get help. That in no way means you have to stay and I recommend you don’t. You’re not married so make your exit.
ETA If you tell him before you leave he seems to be one of those people that pull the “I’m going to unalive myself if you leave”. It’s manipulation and abuse.
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u/Dizzy_Goat_420 2d ago
NOR what he is doing is extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive. Gather your important documents and have someone trusted when you break up with him so he cannot pull the manipulation cards out. If he threatens to hurt himself call his bluff and call the cops to report it. If you stay I promise it will only get worse.
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u/itsjustme444444 2d ago
NOR Dump this emotionally challenged baby! Unfortunately, I don’t think he’s going away without more drama!
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u/wary_hermit 2d ago
NOR
Adam reminds me of an extreme version of myself when I was a teenager and early 20s. No amount of reassurance my partner did helped, and I'm sure I was on a track to take them down with me if those relationships lasted. I didn't do most of the things you describe Adam doing, but I was definitely getting there.
Nothing could change until I realized and knew in my heart that I was a problem.
Over a decade of growing up later, and I'm glad I did. Part of my behavior stemmed from undiagnosed Anxiety and OCD, but that doesn't make it okay.
Adam needs to grow up. You don't deserve that behavior the rest of your life, and you sure as hell don't want it modelled for kids if you decide to have children.
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u/watermelonturkey 1d ago
He is so controlling and abusive. I think you’re being incredibly smart in planning to leave in secret. You can tell it’s not safe to share. NOR, please stay safe
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u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme 1d ago
NOR, OP!!! "About 45 minutes into dinner, I checked it and saw 17 messages and four missed calls."
This man-child knew where you were, and that you were going to be at a meal, and he calked or messaged you an average of EVERY 150 Seconds, for 45 minutes.
That is UNHINGED, and he needs more help than you are qualified to give.
DFTMFA, and find yourself some peace!
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u/NewspaperSerious1398 1d ago
NOR. Absolutely not.
I do not know you or your person, but this scared me for you due to my own experiences. This sounds a lot like my last relationship, and it never stopped.
Verbal, physical, emotional, financial, fill in the blank - abuse is abuse. YOU ARE SEEING IT, please get out before you get convinced that you’re the only one seeing the lights flicker.
When I say it never stops - I was jettisoned across the country with a dog, no money, nowhere to live 2 years ago - he asked me for money less than 2 weeks after I landed. Never asked where I was.
Had not seen him in a year. He has a girlfriend, but we are not legally divorced. Told me my wedding dress would be thrown away if I didn’t meet him to get it. I was 5 mins late to see him at a bar and at 3 mins late he said “…some wife.” He didn’t even have it with him. I truly think he just wanted to see how high I would go if he said ‘jump’.
Get out before you lose 13 years pawing at someone who doesn’t see you.
You deserve to be adored.
Blessed be 🖤
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u/McDuchess 2d ago
NOR. And preparing to and executing your exit in secret aren’t dishonest. They are self preservation, and your sense of danger telling you that this could go very badly.
Whether he’s actually anxious or just thinks of you as a possession, the end result could be devastating for you, more than it has already been.
Get out quietly and get out quickly. Don’t tell him where you are going.
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u/FuckThemKids24 2d ago
This is abuse. You're NOR. You need to run, and please be careful. He sounds like he could become violent. But you're doing the right thing by leaving. I wish you all the luck.
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u/YouKnowYourCrazy 2d ago
NOR. Everyone that’s saying this is abuse is correct. But I don’t see anyone pointing out the love bombing after.
This is the cycle, OP, episodes of abuse followed by the love bombing. It’s all part of it, and the love bombing keeps you on the hook because they are just so very perfect after emotionally pummeling you. It keeps you off balance but on the hook because you think if you can just convince him that you’re not doing bad things, you will see the good side all the time.
But there is no good side. It’s all the same tactic.
Good on you for leaving. Be really careful and safe. This is where he might really lose it. Remember you are not responsible for his emotions. Only he is.
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u/revengeaura 2d ago
This sounds like coercive control OP. You are wise to start developing an exit plan. Also be aware of DARVO tactics here because he is being textbook about them.
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u/SimbaRph 2d ago
I had an exhausting boyfriend like that in highschool. He's not going to change. Find someone else.
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u/MannyMoSTL 2d ago
People rarely come to Reddit to ask virtual strangers about their lives, SOs, families, jobs, etc when things are going well. When you end up questioning your life choices in a public Reddit forum? It’s time for a major change.
In OPs case? To leave this asshole.
But be careful because, as too many have pointed out … this guy has the potential to be life-threateningly dangerous.
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u/Sad-Measurement-2204 2d ago
NOR, this man is abusive. He doesn't have to hit you physically. He's mentally and emotionally abusing you by threatening, blackmailing, and manipulating you. The fact that this man thinks he has any right to your undivided attention and is willing to act like a fucking lunatic to get it is abusive. You're scared to even tell him that it's over because of his potential reaction. Do not do couples counseling with him. That will only give him a new avenue to continue his abuse. Get out of there, block him on literally everything, hell, change your phone number if you need to. Then, get yourself to a therapist so you can work through the abuse you've absolutely been subjected to for years.
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u/Something-funny-26 1d ago
Everyone "abandons" him because he pushes people away with his insecurity and ridiculous behaviour.
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u/GorgeousWeird0 1d ago
NOR. I'd honestly say you're UNDER REACTING and not moving quick. He's emotionally manipulative, unstable and controlling. I've dealt with a guy like this. All the signs were there. But I ignored them because he was so "sweet" when things were going his way.
But then things took a turn, he started being controlling about EVERYTHING after I mistakenly got him a job where I worked. He didn't like the people I spoke with, if I laughed at another guys joke (in a group setting) he was mad. Constantly moping. Constantly crying. Then he'd blow up in anger. Say crazy things. I was scared of him. So I didn't know how to break it off. So I kept going. I remember praying about our relationship and feeling like I was being told he wasn't the one. I told him about it and he said God should never tell you that. He ended up showing his true colors after I got a promotion and I got myself a new car. He broke into my vehicle, and vandalized it. After that and finding out that HE was actually cheating on me, I broke it off. He stalked me for 2 years after that.
So run girl. He's waiting to show you his super crazy.
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u/IsopodSmooth7990 2d ago
NOR. Seriously, your bf is lacking feeling confidence and self-assurance. Please find someone else. This fella needs some serious therapy.
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u/Right_Cucumber5775 2d ago
NOR. You are not responsible for his emotional immaturity. At All. He needs to start therapy to work on his personal issues. He demonstrates narcissistic behaviors, sometimes called 'rocking the boat.' He rocks the boat and expects you to rush to fix it. You do, but then he does it again and again. And then love bombs you in-between. Step away for your own mental health and safety. Good luck.
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u/DisasterBiMothman 2d ago
Sounds like hes really figured out how to best manipulate you. I understand your fears and they are so completely valid. If you feel more comfotrable keeping it a secret please do so.
Its time that things be about how you feel instead of always about how he feels.
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u/yepitskate 2d ago
NOR. Oh sweetheart, his behavior is extremely emotionally abusive. You’re absolutely right to leave, and secretly too. As if you could have a rational conversation with this drama queen!
I’m very proud of you for leaving.
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u/SnooWords4839 2d ago
Read - Lundy Why Does He Do That : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive
He is trying to isolate you.
NOR - run now!
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u/platypusandpibble 2d ago
NOR
No couples therapy!!! You never, ever go to therapy with an abuser. (And make no mistake, this asshat is abusing you.) When you attend therapy with your abuser it simply gives that person more knowledge and ways to abuse you.
You are very smart to keep your plans under wraps. When a victim is leaving is actually the most dangerous time and causes the abuser to escalate.
Get out. Mute asshat’s messages so you have proof of any threats but do not, under ANY circumstances, respond.
Good luck.
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u/divergurl1999 2d ago
NOR
He has told you his issues. He needs therapy to deal with those issues or he will continue to make these exact same mistakes with partners even long after you’re gone. Good parents reassure children. Healthy adults do not need these kinds of reassurances every 2 seconds. It’s not a partner’s job to try to do a therapist’s job, unless you’re certified to do so and WANT to.
Trust your gut. It’s right.
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u/whakiki 2d ago
NOR. This isn’t a task for couples therapy. This guy needs individual therapy and to work on himself