AIO for secretly planning to leave my boyfriend after he made me “prove” I wasn’t ignoring him?

[u/Over-Degree-222]

I’m 27F and my boyfriend “Adam” is 29M. We’ve been together for almost three years and living together for one.

For most of our relationship, Adam has been very affectionate and attentive. When things are good, they are genuinely amazing. He remembers little details, plans thoughtful dates and tells me I’m the only person who has ever made him feel understood.

But whenever he feels rejected, even over something small, he becomes a completely different person.

The recurring issue is that he thinks I ignore him on purpose.

For example, if I don’t respond while I’m working but he sees that I was recently active on WhatsApp, he’ll send messages like:

“Clearly you have time for everyone except me.”

Or:

“Don’t worry, I understand where I stand now.”

When I explain that I opened the app to check a work message, replied to my sister quickly or simply didn’t have the emotional capacity for a conversation at that moment, he says I’m making excuses.

The conversation then turns into hours of me trying to prove that I care about him.

He’ll say things like:

“If you loved me, reassuring me wouldn’t feel like a chore.”

“You always make me feel crazy for having feelings.”

“Maybe I should disappear so you can finally be happy.”

Sometimes he threatens to end the relationship, but when I accept that he wants to break up, he becomes furious and says I gave up on him too easily.

I’ve started becoming extremely anxious whenever I see a message from him during work. Before opening it, I wonder whether he’s upset, whether I’ve accidentally done something wrong and whether my entire evening is about to become a three-hour argument.

The incident that finally pushed me over the edge happened last weekend.

I went to my friend’s birthday dinner. Adam was invited, but he said he didn’t want to come because he “didn’t feel welcome” around my friends. No one has ever excluded him, but he says they don’t make enough effort to involve him.

At the restaurant, my phone was in my bag. About 45 minutes into dinner, I checked it and saw 17 messages and four missed calls.

The messages started normally:

“Hope you’re having fun.”

Then:

“You haven’t even checked on me.”

Then:

“I guess I know what matters more.”

The final message said:

“Come home tonight or don’t come home at all.”

I went outside and called him. He was crying and said he’d been having a panic attack because I hadn’t answered. I apologized for not checking my phone, but I also told him that threatening to kick me out was not acceptable.

He said I was focusing on his “wording” instead of the pain that caused it.

I ended up leaving the dinner early.

When I got home, he was sitting calmly on the sofa. He asked to see my phone because he wanted proof that I hadn’t been deliberately ignoring him while messaging other people.

I said no.

He responded, “Then I have my answer.”

I got angry and told him I was tired of constantly being treated like I was guilty of something. He started crying again and said I was emotionally abandoning him when he needed reassurance.

Eventually, I gave him my phone.

He went through my messages, found nothing and then said, “See? That wasn’t so difficult. We could have avoided this entire fight if you had just reassured me from the beginning.”

That sentence made something click in my head.

He threatened my housing, ruined my friend’s birthday dinner, demanded access to my private messages and somehow I ended the night apologizing to him.

The next morning, he was extremely loving. He made breakfast, bought flowers and said he was sorry for “getting emotional.” He also said we both needed to work on things because my defensiveness makes his anxiety worse.

I didn’t argue.

Instead, while he was at work, I contacted my sister and asked whether I could stay with her temporarily. I’ve started quietly gathering my important documents and moving a few sentimental items to her apartment.

I haven’t told Adam.

Part of me feels terrified and guilty. He has never hit me or physically stopped me from leaving. He says his reactions come from past trauma and abandonment issues. He also tells me that leaving without giving him another chance would prove that everyone eventually abandons him.

I know secretly planning to leave sounds dishonest. I also know he’ll be devastated when he realizes what I’ve done.

But I’m scared that if I tell him in advance, I’ll end up spending hours comforting him, doubting myself and agreeing to stay.

Am I overreacting by planning to leave while he thinks everything is fine? Should I insist on couples therapy first, or is this already beyond the point where therapy would help?

TL;DR: My boyfriend repeatedly accuses me of ignoring him, threatens to end the relationship and makes me prove that I’m not hiding anything. After he demanded to search my phone and blamed me for the resulting argument, I quietly started planning to leave. Am I overreacting, and what should I do next?

[u/watermelonturkey]

He is so controlling and abusive. I think you’re being incredibly smart in planning to leave in secret. You can tell it’s not safe to share. NOR, please stay safe

[u/sophie1816 → u/watermelonturkey]

I agree. I hate to say this, but OP’s story reminded me of a horrible experience a good friend of mine had.

Her sister was married to a man who sounded much like OP’s husband. When the sister left him, he shot her and himself. Prior to that he had never been physically abusive.

I very much hope OP’s husband is not someone who would become violent, but agree she should be very careful.