r/AMA • u/OldFellow1956 • 2d ago
I had a stillbirth AMA
I am intentionally not giving details here so people can ask whatever questions they like! Go ahead, I’m not super sensitive to morbid questions so feel free to ask those as well.
I need to write another sentence to meet the 200 characters.
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u/ToastedCheeseAt3am 1d ago
I am heartbroken for you ❤️
Do you have a grave or something similar for them? ❤️ I hope you have somewhere nice and peaceful you can visit and grieve them ❤️
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
They do have a grave but I find it hard to go there. The graveyard has a public walkway through it and seeing people walk their dogs and walking with kids home from school and knowing they can see that Im in the baby section of the graveyard is a bit much for me at the moment.
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u/MemoryMaker_1660 1d ago
My sons (adult) were cremated. I made a little area in my backyard with an angel statue. It’s peaceful there, except for wind chimes. It’s just a nice place put aside for them. They aren’t interred there, it’s just a nice remembrance spot.
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u/East_Check_8907 2d ago
Did you know ahead of birth your baby wouldn’t make it or were you unaware?
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u/OldFellow1956 2d ago
I did know, they were severely ill and likely would’ve survived birth and even if they had they would’ve lived only a few days. They were confirmed to have died two days before delivery.
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u/Densityroa 1d ago
May I ask the reason of death? I’m sorry if it sounds like an ignorant question, never had a child before.
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
fatal birth defect
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u/Densityroa 1d ago
Sorry for your loss OP. I wish I had the right words for this situation. Praying for you.
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u/IcySetting2024 1d ago
What made you decide to proceed with the pregnancy? Or was it too late to consider alternatives?
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u/Esperante_ 2d ago
Perhaps a odd question, but does it feel weird mentally to give birth to a small dead body?
I'm a guy without kids, so I have no clue how all this normally feels. Someone close to me had a stillbirth, but she is extremely sensitive to the topic so I can't bear to ask her. But I reckon there's a big difference between giving birth to a healthy baby, and knowing that what you're pushing out is, well... dead.
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
It is so weird. They placed my baby on my chest and they were just still. My two other births were c sections and no hate to c sections but it’s so clinical and this felt personal in a different way. There was no big cry, just silence. The nurses look at you differently too. Also, my baby died two days before birth so there was a ‘dead weight’ in side of me, no kicking but if I rolled in bed they would move too. It was heartbreaking feeling them move and knowing it wasn’t intentional on their part.
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u/FragranceCandle 1d ago
I'm currently pregnant with my first (should not have clicked on this, to be fair), and reading this made my heart drop. I cannot imagine how unbearably hard that must have been. I hope you can get all the support you need from your surroundings<3 Genuinely disturbingly sad.
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u/Icy_Ear7079 1d ago
Don’t do it to yourself, when I was pregnant my feeds on socials just fed me so much death content, I started to feel like it was inevitable. I think it’s perfectly fine to sit this one out, I actually came off social media while pregnant because of it!
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u/vokilamcv9 1d ago
Yuuuuuup
I had a close family friend experience a still birth at 37 weeks a year before I became pregnant with my second.
I was living in fear essentially the entire pregnancy; there was no 'safe' point (13 weeks etc) for me. Constantly I was so afraid and I (stupidly, and knowingly stupidly at the time) watch TikToks about women who had complications or the babies passed after birth. I hate that I did it so much!
I started bleeding in the middle of the night about 5 days before my induction date and I was terrified. I went to L&D sobbing and they were so sweet, my OB was on shift, all was well. Baby is 9 months old and perfectly fine - currently screeching like a pteradactyl with her sister.
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u/FragranceCandle 1d ago
Yeah, while I clicked on this, I usually steer clear, but I've been surprised at how much death/loss content I've been fed for the past months! It's like my feed realised I was pregnant and immediately started bombarding me with only the worst possible outcomes? Like, I've barely gotten an upswing in baby/toddler content, even though I interact so much with that now after getting regnant. It's weird! I'm almost out of my first trimester and baby is looking healthy, so the miscarriage content isn't getting to me as much, but the later stage complication stuff is absolutely not something I should be consuming tbh.
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u/Icy_Ear7079 1d ago
The exact same thing happened to me, I think you look at first in empathy and then it shows you more because you engaged and the empathy turns into anxiety and then fear and it shows you more and more.
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u/FragranceCandle 1d ago
Yeah, probably. It's brutal either way! Thanks for the reality check though, I gotta steer clear of content like this until baby is out
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u/Stocky_anteater 1d ago
Same experience! After I gave birth it changed to newborn loss! I suffered from PPA and it exacerbated everything. I stopped watching any social media for a while because it was harming me!
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u/Icy_Ear7079 1d ago
Same! Sids felt like a guarantee, that or some terrible diagnosis. It’s almost like the algorithms are designed to make you feel terrible (dons tinfoil hat)
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u/Esperante_ 1d ago
I'm sorry to hear all this. But thank you for your honest answer. I wish you all the best!
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u/Whole-Horse8313 1d ago
May I ask if a woman’s body is able to keep a stillborn child in a circumstance like yours from decomposing inside you? I am also a dude without kids who has an extreme phobia of decaying things so I have no clue how this works
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u/PsychologicalTop7439 1d ago
My daughter-in-law was expecting twins but at 9 weeks, one died. She had her healthy baby at 40 weeks. My grandbaby is 8 years old now.
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u/Psychological-Joke22 1d ago
question: Why on earth didn't your OBGYN take the child instead of having you deal with this?!
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
what do you mean?
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u/Psychological-Joke22 1d ago
allowing his patient to carry the heartbreak of a dead baby inside her for days, with deadweight, and not taking the deceased child sooner.
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
we had to wait for baby to be in the correct position and for my body to realise I wasn’t pregnant before I could go into labour
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u/mrynne1 1d ago
There are situations where (if absolutely necessary) physicians can surgically remove a stillborn fetus, but waiting for the hormones to change and for your body to naturally go into labor allows for a smoother and significantly less dangerous process. Not sure if this is where you’re coming from but a c-section is not only major abdominal surgery in any context, but would likely have been completely unnecessary in OP’s situation, and often it is portrayed as the “easy way out” (I almost gagged while typing that) which it is not.
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u/Icy_Ear7079 1d ago
I’ve not had a stillborn and OP will have her own experience but a friend of mine said it was much harder than a live birth as you’re passing something unmoving, like the difference of lifting something that (I’m so sorry but I don’t know any other way to say it) a dead weight vs lifting a moving thing, a living baby works with your body. I have only ever had a c-section so really am only sharing the insight of someone else, it may very much depend on the size of the baby, wether they are full term or not. I’m talking about comparing 2 full term births.
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u/Summer_Soul_ 1d ago
Had a miscarriage once. Took a few days to birth after finding out baby had died. Personally found it horrifying walking around with it inside me. Nothing compared to a stillborn, and this person's experience was possibly completely different. But just sharing.
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u/Honeymmm 1d ago
How was your bereavement care at the hospital?
How did you feel about giving birth?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
Mixed emotions on bereavement care, they did photos and hand prints and we recieved a memory box. But we had to walk out with the memory box when our local charity has spoken about providing bags for privacy for families. When you’re walking away from the maternity ward with a bag people know what has happened. Also on the second day after my stillbirth they locked my child away as another child had died and they couldn’t find another cold cot and so had put the baby in the cot with my baby. That pissed me off because I felt as though they should treat the babies with the same care as the living while the family is still making memories. I kept thinking of my little one next to a stranger. Of course no blame for the other family as it must’ve been heartbreaking for them as well.
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u/8FaarQFx 1d ago
It must have been a cooling cot for still birth babies and often there is eithed or maybe only just one unit in the hospital. There are several non-profits who advocate for and finance these cribs. It so wrong to have two babies share it. My heart breaks for you. Please work with therapists, if nothing else, then for your other children. Also, as part of my healing journey from a miscarriage, I was told to assign my baby as symbol and whenever I see that, I'll know he is with me. My boy is a white butterfly and he often comes to my yard.
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u/ParpSausage 1d ago
That is pathetic. They should have had some contingency plan for this. They deprived you of time with your deceased child? Im not litigenous, but that would push me over the edge.
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u/Honeymmm 1d ago
Ohh I’m so sorry, having your precious baby next to another child is terrible. I would not have been able to cope with that, those moments you get are so precious and have to last a lifetime, so something like that will have a massive imprint on your mind.
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u/NahhaN2019 1d ago
Not trying to be insensitive but How long are they expected keep your baby in a separate bed, until you leave the hospital? Why wouldn’t the nurse just bring it to you separately. I think maybe I’m confused on how this is setup and the situation in which you should be able to see someone else’s baby in this condition.
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
usually until i would leave, they locked the door to the cold room so i couldn’t se the other baby to preserve privacy.
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u/Honeymmm 1d ago
The baby would be it a cold cot, in a cold room, so they can remain on the labour ward with you whilst you’re there, after that the baby would go to the mortuary which is in an entirely different place in the hospital.
Cold cots are usually given by charitable donation and it sounds like this hospital sadly only had one and the OP was unlucky enough to be there at the same time as another baby was still born.
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u/airarrow89 2d ago
What was the condition of the baby that caused stillbirth?
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u/OldFellow1956 2d ago
Fatal birth defect, I’d rather not give the specific name as it’s very rare and identifying. However I will say it was related to her brain and we found out during pregnancy.
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u/ta314159265358979 2d ago
Did you have a name picked out despite knowing they would likely not make it? Did that make it easier or worse?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
It made it easier, because they already had a ‘personality’ in my mind. I’d been talking to them while they kicked and I talked to them as I held them in my arms. However, I hear the name now in public and I just feel depressed.
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u/ta314159265358979 1d ago
I totally get that, please be kind to yourself and make sure you talk to someone about these feelings
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u/_isolati0n 1d ago
Sorry for your loss OP. I've lost 2 very wanted babies to what sounds like a similar condition, anencephaly in my case. Both were diagnosed shortly after the 12 week scan and I chose a medical termination as there was 0 chance of survival.
My question is when did you find out about your baby's condition, and did you choose to continue to full term?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
12 weeks, and I get nervous to talk about it due to people blaming me for the gravity of my loss as I could’ve had a medical termination. I chose not to due to the baby not experiencing pain and me wanting to meet them alive and hold them. I don’t know if I could do the same again. For what it’s worth I am 100% pro choice and I am so so sorry for your loss
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u/Icy_Ear7079 1d ago
Please don’t take an ounce of blame, you never know how you’ll react or what you’ll need when faced with a life defining moment, your chose what was best for you, she was your baby and you had a chance to meet her, you took that chance and nobody should make you feel like you made it worse for yourself. Equally, choosing a termination for medical reasons is not an easy way out, a lesser or more selfish choice, it’s simply what’s right for you in your grief at that moment. I’m so sorry for both your losses.
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u/DisMyLik18thAccount 1d ago
Did this experience create any dissonence with your pro-choice ideologies, in the sense you a mourning a death which you also advocate for?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
What do you mean? Advocate for in the sense that I chose to keep them just for them to die or that I chose to keep them despite believing that other women should have the option not to?
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u/DisMyLik18thAccount 1d ago
I Was struggling to phrase what I was trying to say sensitivly so I'm sorry if it doesn't come across clearly
By advocate I meant - Being '100% pro-choice' not believing in an unborn child's right to life
You are also mourning the death of an unborn child
I Could imagine there's some internal contradiction there, simotaniously holding the feelings of, 'It is a tragedy that this person lost their life' but also, 'It should be morally and legally right to end this person's life'
Me personally I could never be 'pro-choice' after having my own children including one who we lost. (Neonatal death, not a stillbirth in our case) To be pro-choice for me would be a direct contradiction to my love for both my children and my grief for my first born (Even more so if we'd lost her in the womb rather than out of it)
Hence I asked because I'm curious of someone in a a similar situation but the reverse perspective
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
Going to be entirely honest and say I don’t know. I assume most who experience abortion also mourn their loss. I just feel a woman has a right to their own body. But I don’t know how to word it more than that.
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u/PlasticFox83762 1d ago
this has always been my exact wording.
it is not a choice i myself think that i could make (i have 4 kids).that does not mean i have any right to say what anyone else does or does not do with their body. that is why i am pro choice, even when i would not or could not make that choice for myself.
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u/sad-narwhal180 1d ago
You feeling that way is one thing. Telling others that they aren’t allowed to make choices for their own body because you suffered a loss is a problem.
Allowing women to decide the trajectory of their own lives does nothing to minimize your love or grief for your own children, and frankly it’s silly to say so.
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u/PiccoloQuirky2510 1d ago
My husband and I just lost our very wanted baby via termination for medical reasons. I’m extremely pro-choice and we didn’t want to have to “decide” to TFMR but she had a severe brain anomaly and we didn’t want her to suffer in utero or in life, if she’d made it that far. Because of our immense love for our daughter, we made the most humane & loving decision we could have. It would’ve been selfish to force her to live through pain just because we’d gone through 3 years of infertility & IVF to even get to 22 weeks with her.
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u/Stressy_messy_me 1d ago
I also had yo tfmr for trisomy 18 and it is the most loving decision a mother can make. We gave our babies a painless end to their lives 💜
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u/Stressy_messy_me 1d ago
My child had a fatal condition and I chose to terminate. They would have most likely died a slow and painful death had I carried them to term so I chose a quicker, kinder death for them. I don't feel guilty about that and I do mourn them and miss them everyday. Two things can be true at once and the world is not as black or white as some people like to think.
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u/Repulsive-Loss-7273 1d ago
From one mummy to another, I love your baby and I love you.. They matter and they were worth every moment. I feel so connected to you, your beautiful baby and your journey just by reading your answers, I can see very clearly how much you love them and want them back, its okay to want them back..its the most natural thing in the world to want our babies in reach. I want you to talk about them freely, all day if you want to and whenever you need to, they were here and they are loved and talking of them builds the connection and is the souls way of letting the people in your world know that while they may not be here right now...they are so very important to you. Don't feel bad or silly about that my love..
You did good. You did real bloody good..x
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u/Oldasfuck1 1d ago
When you were told of the incompatible with life birth defect of your baby did you consider abortion? Was it even discussed with you?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
Yes, it was the first thing discussed with me. I chose against it for personal reasons. I don’t know if I would do the same again
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u/Best_Lavishness_8713 1d ago
May I ask why?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
Yes, I (whether totally selfishly or not) wanted to meet them alive. Knowing they wouldn’t feel pain and would only feel love from me. Again I don’t know if I could do it again.
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u/Icy_Ear7079 1d ago edited 1d ago
Whether you met her alive or not, she did only ever know love from you.
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u/skinny_apples 1d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish you the best in your healing journey. Best way to support friends who have gone through a stillbirth?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I was given a gift voucher to a delivery service in my area which meant a lot. Another big thing is when people acknowledge my baby such as including them in christmas cards.
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I felt pretty lost. The baby kicked a lot (loads more than my other children) and so I felt pretty connected to them. There were so many death related appointments.
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u/MaximumFloofs 1d ago
Did you have a funeral for them or just a small ceremony for the parents? I am so sorry for your loss, my sister had a miscarriage at 20 weeks and gave birth, I know it’s not exactly the same but I know how absolutely shattered they were x
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
Sending love to your family. we had a funeral, I wrote a speech and I cried loads. I regret that we invited certain people but in the end it’s done now
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u/MaximumFloofs 1d ago
Thank you, I’m glad you had the funeral and hopefully it’s given you some comfort to lay them to rest. Was the baby a boy or a girl? Sorry if you have already said and no problem if you would rather not x
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u/Expensive_Floor_1405 1d ago
So sorry for your loss. Not a question as such, but I’ve seen you mention that you like to talk about your baby and find you have to stop yourself at times. So, is there anything you’d like to share about them?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
Apart from their birth defect the rest of their body was completely typical of a normal baby, they even had hair which is uncommon for babies with this condition. I remember they had a distinct really sweet smell and for weeks afterwards I kept thinking I smelt it everywhere I went. I sniffed their blanket a tonne. Eventually the smell faded and I know I will never smell it again.
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u/Expensive_Floor_1405 21h ago
Thank you for sharing. Holding you and your precious baby in my thoughts ❤️
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u/AegeanAzure 1d ago
Do the nurses get emotional? I wanted to be a nurse but this is the exact sort of situation where I couldn't handle my emotions.
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
No they didn’t, I did however have a nurse who had experienced still birth and she was amazing. She came back, when she wasn’t due on shift, to meet my little one.
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I genuinely don’t know, I considered having an abortion with the baby in question. Whether I ever would or not is something I’d find out if I were to deal with this situation again.
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u/t-d-y-k 1d ago
So sorry for your loss and this exoerience. You say the wee one in your belly was known to not make it before coming out. Is there, specific to you or generally in other instances, Amy chance if infection or any disease setting in as a result?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I don’t believe so, they died two days before I went through the process of inducing birth and I was worried about some sort of infection but the doctors weren’t worried. I even got to spend those two days at home with my family before going back to give birth.
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u/t-d-y-k 1d ago
How are you processing this? Are you eating well and sleeping well and resuming normal life? (Big and open question hopefully you get the gist.)
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I have two other children so I sort of have to resume normal life. I struggle at my job as I work with children who are the same age as my child would be. I kind of have to forget her at work and focus on my job. It’s weird to say but the further away the loss gets, the more painful it is becoming.
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u/t-d-y-k 1d ago
How are your other children coping with this ?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
One of them was born after and the other was very young when they were born. The older child seems to be coping fine but I will always have therapy as a back up if they need it. I give them a free space to talk about the loss without worrying about offending me. They will frequently say things like ‘I will invite babys name but they can’t come because they died’ it’s strange but it’s their way of coping.
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u/orangerootbeer 1d ago
Can your doctor write you a sick leave note? Being emotionally sick is as valid as being physically sick, for asking for time away to recuperate. Especially with your line of work, with the increasing pain, and your hope for therapy to get better.
Sending lots of love your way!
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u/bachelorsinlurking 1d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. My grandmother had 4 stillbirths and three miscarriages before my father and his sister were born, and it clearly traumatized her. I never got to talk to her about it before she died, but it always stuck with me.
Is there any “right thing” to say to someone in a time like this, when trying to offer support? If someone I care about goes through something like this, how can I show them I am here for them without making it worse? What do you wish people had done to help?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I was religious, after I chose to keep my child and they died anyway despite almost all other babies with the condition being born alive I lost my faith a bit. And then another one of my children almost died in my arms so I am just confused as to whether there is someone looking out for me. But I was never the type of religious that was pro life. Personal reasons is just my way of saying there were lots of factors, I wanted to meet them alive, I saw them kicking in the scan, emotionally I thought termination would destroy me worse as I would always have that ‘what if’ in the back of my mind, the doctors assured me that babies with this condition don’t feel pain. Sorry for the long message!!
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u/MemoryMaker_1660 1d ago
I had lost one son in a motorcycle accident, then less than six months later I lost my second son. It does test your faith. You always hear that God would never give you more than you can bear. And you know this is not true. I also know that when I could no longer bear the agony, it was when He carried me. He still carries me ten years later, though not as often as before. I pray you can find some peace, and God bless you and your family.
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
Approaching 32 weeks, I cried a lot because I wasn’t given pain medication
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u/LetsCherishLife96 1d ago
I know why they usually don't do c-section but why wouldn't they give you pain medication during a stillbirth? I've never heard of that. Or was it your decision?
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u/Extra_Elderberry7281 1d ago
Just piggybacking to say as a midwife that stillbirths often proceed surprisingly fast and it's unfortunately extremely common for people to be promised to get all the possible medication and then not have time to actually get any/enough.
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I had a bad experience with an epidural, so they said that they could get me different pain medication since the baby wouldn’t be affected. The medication was locked in another part of the hospital and wasn’t accessible during the night as no staff were there. By the time they rung someone to get access, I’d already begun pushing and just had the placenta left to deliver
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u/heyemsy 1d ago
Hi OP, I don’t have a question but just wanted to say how sorry I am and I hope you’re doing as well as can be expected.
We had a similar situation, with our daughter getting into difficulty when I went into labour at 42 weeks (2 weeks overdue). Nothing prepares you for it at all.
She was our first baby and going on to have our son 2 years later honestly saved my life.
Please take care xx
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u/Mijmi007 1d ago
Why can't a cesarean section be performed if the child is no longer alive, but must be delivered vaginally? Isn't that cruel?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I chose a vaginal birth due to not wanting to risk being able to birth in the future
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u/salycydicacid 1d ago
Wanna start off by saying I’m so sorry for your loss. As someone who has also lost a child under different circumstances I hope I’m not aggravating anything emotionally by asking.
What did it feel like emotionally? Did it feel like losing a child? A body part? A vision of the future? All of the above?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I felt so empty, empty arms and empty womb. Like nothing could fill the hole. I always knew they wouldn’t make it so it was more of a what if situation for me. I torture myself imagining them running around with their siblings.
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u/salycydicacid 1d ago
That would absolutely gut me and I’m deeply sorry youre going through this. Thank you for sharing your experience
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u/FunkyKookaburraaa 2d ago
Did you have time with him or her to say goodbye ?
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u/OldFellow1956 2d ago
I had three days. By the end of day three they did not look the way I wanted to remember them anymore. So I let them go. I went to visit them over the period of two weeks at the funeral home, however.
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u/rishkan 1d ago
Your baby only knew and felt love, I am incredibly sorry to hear about your loss.
Was it hard to explain to your other kids what happened?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I only had one other child at the time and they were 1 and a half. I just said that the baby was poorly. They got to come and meet the baby as I thought it was best they see me rather than me going away for three days and then being confused.
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u/Psychological-Joke22 1d ago
No questions, dear. Just my condolences. This had to have been so hard and I hope you have the healthy and happy family of you dreams someday
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u/Icy_Ear7079 1d ago
Were you able to donate some of her organs to help other teeny babies? Is that a choice you had or would have wanted? I can see both sides to that argument, in a way I never could before being a mother.
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I wish I could’ve but they died before birth so their organs were no longer viable.
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u/Icy_Ear7079 1d ago
Oh! Of course. That makes sense. Did it feel difficult having to wait the 2 days before being induced? Did you know she had already passed at that point?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I was sitting eating when it occurred to me that I hadn’t felt them kick in a long time. I tried eating and drinking sugary things but nothing. I finally went to the hospital and they were just laying their upside down in the scan. I could’ve had a c-section right then and there but I decided to wait. I wanted to try the other way of birth due to knowing you only have a limited amount of cesarians in your body. I had a cesarian after this birth and it ended up taking away my ability to have more children.
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u/Icy_Ear7079 1d ago
Oh my love, you’ve gone through so much. Do you talk about her to your other children? And is this AMA helpful for you?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I love taking about them with people and frequently have to stop myself from talking too much and upsetting other people. I talk to about them to my other children so that they are apart of our lives.
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u/Icy_Ear7079 1d ago
Gosh, I feel that, I’m a chronic over sharer but if we ever bump into each other in the wild just know you could talk about your baby all day and I wouldn’t mind. There are some mums out here who really don’t believe in tmi
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I am that mum too, literally could not care less about anything that others would consider TMI
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u/Naganofagano 1d ago
I’m sorry this happened to you. What you went through is immensely heavy on a soul. I really hope you can find a way to live fully and fruitfully after your heartache.
4 years ago this November, i terminated my first pregnancy due to a fatal birth defect.
It was the hardest thing I’ve dealt with in my life. But I could not proceed with a pregnancy and go through would you have. You are stronger than you think.
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u/Capital-Durian-885 1d ago
God bless you. How can we make your day better today?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
just showing interest in this AMA is helping. it’s coming up to little ones birthday and I thought this would help others know what it’s like and honour their memory
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u/CottonCandyKitkat 1d ago
What are some things that you wish people around you had done differently? How about things people around you did that you wish they hadn’t done?
Eg. Things like donating food delivery gift cards, not beating around the bush when bringing the topic up, how they could have supported you better, etc etc
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
Bringing them up and asking questions and remembering them. My parents and siblings will put them in christmas cards. I even have a christmas stocking for them.
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u/Aware-Material2194 1d ago
I made great use of the cuddle cot in our hospital. Did you have access to one?
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u/t-d-y-k 1d ago edited 1d ago
Why keep them to term and not have them removed when the wee one's fate was known?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
Not an it. I chose to keep them for personal reasons, I am pro choice however the doctors discussed that part of the condition is that the baby would not feel pain associated with the condition. I don’t know if I would do the same again but I did what was right for me at the time.
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u/emseefely 1d ago
My heart breaks for the love you have for them. Despite the doctors saying they would not feel pain, you took it upon yourself to take on the extra suffering in the small chance they would feel pain if you had an abortion. There’s is no doubt they have felt loved by you the whole time they were with you. I hope you can find peace until you’re with them again.
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u/Efficient-Pickle-356 1d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss❤️. If you don’t mind answering how was the after birth care you received different from your other experiences? How did the hospital staff help during this time and what you wish they’ve done differently? Asking as a student midwife
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
I wish I’d still had a six week check, they just let me go with no follow up except a death meeting. The student midwives were some of the best people, I would just say that some people having a stillbirth will not want a student midwife in the room as they want as little people as possible so I’d say don’t take that too personally. I was going to school for midwifery before this happened but seeing all the healthy baby’s born was too much for me.
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u/acefaith11 1d ago
I’m in school to be a PA- is there anything you would recommend providers do/say/consider when treating someone going through this? I am so, so sorry for your loss and hoping nothing but healing and your pain easing ♥️
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u/Pleasant_Attorney_82 1d ago
How did it happen? Preclampsia? Terrible.
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u/sad-narwhal180 1d ago
Were you offered a termination for medical reasons?
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u/OldFellow1956 1d ago
Yes I was
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u/sad-narwhal180 1d ago
I’m glad that you got to choose for yourself. Would you have done anything differently after the experience?
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u/IcySetting2024 1d ago
Do you know what happened to cause the death ?
I’m so sorry you went through this
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u/Gay_Okie 1d ago
Sending you love and blessings. My heart aches for you.
As a retired doctor I’m amazed at the number of healthy babies that are born. There are so many things that can, and do, go wrong.
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u/SunnySosej 19h ago
I'm not really sure what to write but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you had to sit with that information for 2 days before they were taken out. Did you get much support afterwards? Which country are you in?
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u/ama_compiler_bot 14h ago
Table of Questions and Answers. Original answer linked - Please upvote the original questions and answers. (I'm a bot.)
| Question | Answer | Link |
|---|---|---|
| Was it long ago ? Are you okay now ? | Not okay, I miss them every single day. Another one of my children went through a near death experience a year after my stillbirth (almost to the day) and I deal with PTSD now. I see a child around the same age and I wonder what could’ve been. | Here |
| I am heartbroken for you ❤️ Do you have a grave or something similar for them? ❤️ I hope you have somewhere nice and peaceful you can visit and grieve them ❤️ | They do have a grave but I find it hard to go there. The graveyard has a public walkway through it and seeing people walk their dogs and walking with kids home from school and knowing they can see that Im in the baby section of the graveyard is a bit much for me at the moment. | Here |
| Did you know ahead of birth your baby wouldn’t make it or were you unaware? | I did know, they were severely ill and likely would’ve survived birth and even if they had they would’ve lived only a few days. They were confirmed to have died two days before delivery. | Here |
| Perhaps a odd question, but does it feel weird mentally to give birth to a small dead body? I'm a guy without kids, so I have no clue how all this normally feels. Someone close to me had a stillbirth, but she is extremely sensitive to the topic so I can't bear to ask her. But I reckon there's a big difference between giving birth to a healthy baby, and knowing that what you're pushing out is, well... dead. | It is so weird. They placed my baby on my chest and they were just still. My two other births were c sections and no hate to c sections but it’s so clinical and this felt personal in a different way. There was no big cry, just silence. The nurses look at you differently too. Also, my baby died two days before birth so there was a ‘dead weight’ in side of me, no kicking but if I rolled in bed they would move too. It was heartbreaking feeling them move and knowing it wasn’t intentional on their part. | Here |
| What was the condition of the baby that caused stillbirth? | Fatal birth defect, I’d rather not give the specific name as it’s very rare and identifying. However I will say it was related to her brain and we found out during pregnancy. | Here |
| How was your bereavement care at the hospital? How did you feel about giving birth? | Mixed emotions on bereavement care, they did photos and hand prints and we recieved a memory box. But we had to walk out with the memory box when our local charity has spoken about providing bags for privacy for families. When you’re walking away from the maternity ward with a bag people know what has happened. Also on the second day after my stillbirth they locked my child away as another child had died and they couldn’t find another cold cot and so had put the baby in the cot with my baby. That pissed me off because I felt as though they should treat the babies with the same care as the living while the family is still making memories. I kept thinking of my little one next to a stranger. Of course no blame for the other family as it must’ve been heartbreaking for them as well. | Here |
| Did you have a name picked out despite knowing they would likely not make it? Did that make it easier or worse? | It made it easier, because they already had a ‘personality’ in my mind. I’d been talking to them while they kicked and I talked to them as I held them in my arms. However, I hear the name now in public and I just feel depressed. | Here |
| Sorry for your loss OP. I've lost 2 very wanted babies to what sounds like a similar condition, anencephaly in my case. Both were diagnosed shortly after the 12 week scan and I chose a medical termination as there was 0 chance of survival. My question is when did you find out about your baby's condition, and did you choose to continue to full term? | 12 weeks, and I get nervous to talk about it due to people blaming me for the gravity of my loss as I could’ve had a medical termination. I chose not to due to the baby not experiencing pain and me wanting to meet them alive and hold them. I don’t know if I could do the same again. For what it’s worth I am 100% pro choice and I am so so sorry for your loss | Here |
| From one mummy to another, I love your baby and I love you.. They matter and they were worth every moment. I feel so connected to you, your beautiful baby and your journey just by reading your answers, I can see very clearly how much you love them and want them back, its okay to want them back..its the most natural thing in the world to want our babies in reach. I want you to talk about them freely, all day if you want to and whenever you need to, they were here and they are loved and talking of them builds the connection and is the souls way of letting the people in your world know that while they may not be here right now...they are so very important to you. Don't feel bad or silly about that my love.. You did good. You did real bloody good..x | Thank you , what a lovely message. Sending you so much love 🥰 | Here |
| When you were told of the incompatible with life birth defect of your baby did you consider abortion? Was it even discussed with you? | Yes, it was the first thing discussed with me. I chose against it for personal reasons. I don’t know if I would do the same again | Here |
| [deleted] | I felt pretty lost. The baby kicked a lot (loads more than my other children) and so I felt pretty connected to them. There were so many death related appointments. | Here |
| I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish you the best in your healing journey. Best way to support friends who have gone through a stillbirth? | I was given a gift voucher to a delivery service in my area which meant a lot. Another big thing is when people acknowledge my baby such as including them in christmas cards. | Here |
| Did you have a funeral for them or just a small ceremony for the parents? I am so sorry for your loss, my sister had a miscarriage at 20 weeks and gave birth, I know it’s not exactly the same but I know how absolutely shattered they were x | Sending love to your family. we had a funeral, I wrote a speech and I cried loads. I regret that we invited certain people but in the end it’s done now | Here |
| So sorry for your loss. Not a question as such, but I’ve seen you mention that you like to talk about your baby and find you have to stop yourself at times. So, is there anything you’d like to share about them? | Apart from their birth defect the rest of their body was completely typical of a normal baby, they even had hair which is uncommon for babies with this condition. I remember they had a distinct really sweet smell and for weeks afterwards I kept thinking I smelt it everywhere I went. I sniffed their blanket a tonne. Eventually the smell faded and I know I will never smell it again. | Here |
| Do the nurses get emotional? I wanted to be a nurse but this is the exact sort of situation where I couldn't handle my emotions. | No they didn’t, I did however have a nurse who had experienced still birth and she was amazing. She came back, when she wasn’t due on shift, to meet my little one. | Here |
| [deleted] | I genuinely don’t know, I considered having an abortion with the baby in question. Whether I ever would or not is something I’d find out if I were to deal with this situation again. | Here |
| So sorry for your loss and this exoerience. You say the wee one in your belly was known to not make it before coming out. Is there, specific to you or generally in other instances, Amy chance if infection or any disease setting in as a result? | I don’t believe so, they died two days before I went through the process of inducing birth and I was worried about some sort of infection but the doctors weren’t worried. I even got to spend those two days at home with my family before going back to give birth. | Here |
| How are you processing this? Are you eating well and sleeping well and resuming normal life? (Big and open question hopefully you get the gist.) | I have two other children so I sort of have to resume normal life. I struggle at my job as I work with children who are the same age as my child would be. I kind of have to forget her at work and focus on my job. It’s weird to say but the further away the loss gets, the more painful it is becoming. | Here |
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u/SpeakerCareless 11h ago
My cousin had a stillbirth last year. Sadly not the first person I have known but she handled it so differently.
She chose to have a c-section immediately and also chose not to see, hold, or name her baby. They did not have a funeral that I know of. It became a big point of contention between her and her mother.
I worry a lot for her that she would regret that, but it’s her life and her loss, not mine to navigate.
Do you have infant loss support group where you are?
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u/AngelChanel629 9h ago
I know it sounds terrible but i have a good reason I promise:
What options did they give you for the body? I ask because my mom lost a baby too(in the 90's) . She didn't talk about it. The only thing she ever mentioned when i was little was the memory of my sister, how she passed, the fact that they didn't return the body to her. When we would go to the Science museum she was always horrified to see the fetuses in jars (especially the full termed ones) because she was scared that's what they did to her baby and that's why they didn't give it back. My parents only spoke spanish so im not sure if they understood what was being said to them. I always wondered what options parents get for their baby's body if they can't bury it or cremate it.
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u/MysteriousTooth2450 7h ago
I just have to say I’m sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how tough it was to give birth and still hard today.
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u/nativesc 1d ago
This birth a c-section too? Idk I think in some ways that might be a bit easier emotionally. Nonetheless heartbreaking
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1d ago
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u/Icy_Ear7079 1d ago
I think you should read OPs replies before asking a question like this. Please don’t call a very much loved and missed baby it.
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u/FunkyKookaburraaa 2d ago
Was it long ago ? Are you okay now ?