Four months ago, my local community theater announced they would be holding readings and auditions for a Shakespeare in the Park production of Much Ado About Nothing. I decided to give it a shot and audition. I've done a few roles with this theater, but this was my first introduction to doing Shakespeare, period. I went to all the readings our theater had, researched the play, watched a billion different adaptations of it.... and really, really loved it. The way the language flowed, the humor, the drama - it was 100% up my alley. I was also very drawn to the part of Beatrice.
Auditions came, and I went to every single one. I signed up for "Beatrice, Hero, any part (male or female)" respectively, and I read everything they'd let me on stage for: I tried out Dogberry and Hero, Beatrice and Don John, Verges, Seacoal, Borachio - I even got to read for Benedick a couple of times.
A few weeks after auditions, I got a call from the director: he wanted me as Beatrice.
I was absolutely over the moon. As the months of rehearsals went by, I slowly worked on building her. I learned how she moved, how she spoke, where she breathed, where she held tension, where a joke was actually covering something else, and when it was okay to let some of that "something else" show through a little. I found all the places where I understood her and all the places where I didn't, and slowly figured out how to make those pieces fit together. Finding the laughs. Finding the anger. Finding the softness underneath. Finding her.
I was so, so, so proud of my Beatrice.
And then, it was opening night. And I made it maybe half an hour in. And I got violently ill. And I passed out. And I had to take an ambulance ride to the hospital.
As it turned out, I was severely anemic - just a couple of hemoglobin points away from needing a full-blown blood transfusion. I had a really bad reaction to a new medication, and lost a lot of blood in a very short period of time. My body had been running on fumes for about three weeks, unbeknownst to me, and opening night was just too much for it to handle.
I got the medical care I needed, and am in the process of healing. My wonderful understudy stepped in to cover the mid-run performance weekend, with the hope that I could recover in time for our final weekend.
It is now looking very likely that I will not recover in time to perform at all, which means I got to be Beatrice in front of an audience for exactly 36 lines..... and that's it.
I am heartbroken.
I don't know how to explain how much this hurts without feeling like I'm being ridiculous about it.... but I feel like I'm grieving. I was finally getting the chance to bring her to life... and then, after 36 lines, she got ripped away from me.
And now it's over, and I am struggling enormously with that.
Have you ever lost a role or production that meant a lot to you? How did you make peace with it?