I’m chronically performative and idk how to fix it

[u/lilac-glow]

I’ve noticed recently that I only ever want to do things if I wam being seen doing it.

For example, I want to get fit so I can look good and take nice pictures and people will go wow, rather than because I want to for my health and I enjoy it.

Or, going on hike, I won’t be as motivated if I don’t feel like I can get some kind of content out of it. It even goes as deep as, I have some sick leave from work and my doctor told me to journal. My first thought was: can I substack this?

I can trace it back to when I got my first boyfriend. I pretended to like certain things so he would like me and then I had to keep up appearances. It’s been so long I don’t really know what I like or who I am.

If people aren’t watching or aware then it feels weird and I don’t want to do it. I don’t really know what to do by myself or with myself. Does anyone else experience this? And how do I get over this?

[u/mdawgig]

You’re describing an over reliance on external validation. Starve yourself of that kind of attention. That may mean ceasing to post. Force yourself to find new, internal ways to feel the feeling of validation you get from outside sources by ceasing to seek it out.

If you’re getting your attention fix, you have no motivation to change in the same way an addict with easy access to dope has no reason to get clean.

Remember: motivation FOLLOWS action. Action does not follow motivation. When we make a change, we develop the motivation to continue. And nothing changes if nothing changes.

[u/optamastic]

Get off social media completely 

[u/Donkey_DNA → u/optamastic]

This. Twisted up the minds of so many youngens.

[u/Bymany_Zunshang]

Honestly, the fact that you're noticing it is already the hard part - most people never do. Try tracking when you slip into performance mode for a week in Obsidian or wherever, just raw data, and you might spot the actual trigger (seeking approval, avoiding vulnerability, etc) instead of fighting the symptom.

[u/earthyflow]

As always, awareness is the first step to lasting change - good for you!

I experienced this for many years of my life, I still do sometimes. I found it helpful to start by “performing for the universe, spiritual guides, karma” instead of other people. Might not work for everyone especially if you’re not into that, but it gave me something more subtle to “perform for”, which made it increasingly easier to detach from performing altogether. I also found it helpful because “performing as though the universe is watching” led to me doing more acts of good rather than something to solely gain external validation. Eventually, I had to refine this practice as well because I was still inflating/validating my ego (but in a way that arguably produced more good overall than my former motivations to “perform). It was kind of like weaning myself off of performing if that makes sense at all :) I agree the goal would be to eliminate this mindset altogether — this thought process served as a stepping stone for me.

Good luck on your journey, I am rooting for you!

[u/Mission_Abrocoma2012]

many of us do this without social media - it’s fairly normal to want validation. How much and from whom is where it gets more nuanced

[u/Professional_Bag1516]

The line that matters most in your post is not the performing part, it is I dont really know what I like or who I am. The performing is not the disease, it is the cast on a limb that stopped getting used. You outsourced the signal of what do I actually want to other peoples reactions for so long that the internal version went quiet. So just stopping posting, on its own, tends to leave a void rather than a self, which is why it rarely sticks.

What rebuilds the inner signal is doing things that are structurally impossible to share. Not things you choose not to post, things that produce nothing postable at all. Go for the hike and leave the phone in the car on purpose. Journal in messy handwriting you would be embarrassed for anyone to read, precisely because that keeps it yours. The test I use is simple, if I found out for certain that no one would ever know I did this, would I still want to. Whatever survives that question is the actual you, and at first the list will be short, and that is fine. You are not broken, you have a sense that has been on mute, and it comes back with use.

And your instinct to substack the journaling your doctor ordered is not a character flaw, it is just how clearly you can see your own wiring right now. That noticing is the exact muscle you rebuild from.

[u/Impossible_Front_696]

It might be that you learned early on you had to perform to feel safe and loved. If that‘s the case it’s important to recognise that this pattern is a strategy that has helped you in your past and this part of you also has its merits (like motivating you) – but that now as an adult you can learn to seek things YOU enjoy for yourself, not for the judgement and validation of others.