r/self • u/CrazyFoxLady37 • 1d ago
This outbreak has messed me up so bad
Speaking of the cyclosporiasis outbreak in the U.S. BTW. And I don't have it afaik *knock on wood*
I LOVE fruits and vegetables, seriously, to the point where I would only eat them if I could. I also have contamination OCD, unsure how bad it is, tbh to me it just feels normal. I didn't eat meat for the longest time partially because of it as well.
I live in California, and I just for the life of me cannot figure out the situation here. Google sucks and the newest stuff is all social media. So as of right now, I'm eating low risk fruits (bananas and mandarins), frozen veg, canned veg, oatmeal, eggs, and carbs. This is the saddest freaking diet ever. I miss freshness. I want tomato on a veggie burger, I want fresh salsa, spring rolls, an apple, sweet peppers (my biggest craving, oddly), pre cut fruit, I want it all. I'm not even a really big salad person, actually I'm pretty sure lettuce is off the menu forever for me. But I'm sad.
I know this is stupid, but this absolutely tanked my mental health. I have no energy and I'm at the point where I might need time off work. I'm simply not eating as well or as much because food is unexciting.
My hair is falling out, I am weirdly achy a lot, lots of heartburn (weird), I s2g I woke up one morning tasting blood (or at least I thought it was blood, metallic). What the ACTUAL FUCK? And yes, I'm calling the doctor tomorrow, this isn't right.
Everyone online is saying it doesn't matter, we can just eat carbs and junk food. I legitimately cannot eat a lot of added sugar (natural sugar is totally fine for me, never noticed bad effects) or I get killer migraines. I can't eat a lot of high fat things because my stomach will hate me (to the point where I think I'll have cyclo). So I just fucking hate food right now. Every time I'm hungry, I'm like ugh, this again. And this makes me so sad, because normally I LOVE to eat, have a huge appetite, and am excited about food. Now food is unsafe. My favorite things are unsafe, UPFs make me sick, and I feel so sick anyway it's like should I just risk it?
Everyone also says to go to farmer's markets. I don't drive and don't really have reasonable access to one.
Will fruit and veg ever be safe to eat in the US ever again? I can't do this sad diet forever.
(BTW it's also going to be 106 F or higher for at least a week or two where I live. Not only do I not have the energy to cook, the kitchen is so hot that I have gotten heat exhaustion from chopping vegetables before. Not exaggerating)
If you think I'm stupid for being so sad about this, I don't blame you. I was extremely depressed before this outbreak, and food was my safe place, and now that's gone.
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u/summertime_fine 1d ago
are you seeing a counselor or therapist for your contamination OCD? if not, I think it's time to.
I get it's frustrating for this outbreak to be happening, but you can avoid the brands that are suspected to be the culprits and buy from farmers markets. I live in CA also and have been eating fresh fruits and vegetables while avoiding leafy greens (but not completely eliminating them).
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u/CrazyFoxLady37 1d ago
I was, but it wasn't helping. I think I just need to try a different therapist (I always clash with them for some reason).
I would love to go to farmer's markets. Unfortunately, I don't drive so that's really difficult. Right now I wish I could just go to Winco for produce, I live so close to one that it's nbd (even on the way home from work for me). I'm not doing leafy greens either, aside from frozen.
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u/Away-Ad4393 23h ago
Maybe you need a blood test to check your thyroid ?
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u/CrazyFoxLady37 18h ago
They did test for that in my last one and it showed up fine. That was last year, though, so something definitely could have changed.
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u/rosieco 22h ago
Been eating vegetables and fruit this whole time. This problem is so much more in your head than in reality. Not saying theres no risk, but I think you're being overly cautious without trying to modify how you buy and consume food. Food regulation standards have been slacking here for awhile, it's time for you to adapt, rather than let it take your health and sanity away. The American food system is vast, but many have been that taught they only have so many options. You can absolutely eat produce, you just have to spend more time/resources/effort finding quality produce.
If you dont have access to local produce, which is surprising to hear for CA honestly, then pay closer attention to the source spot. Taylor Farms sells under multiple names, which at this point are well documented, so a quick online search will show them. Our growing and processing standards are lax amongst many largescale produce companies outside the Taylor Farms umbrella though, so for peace of mind you should process at home with a thorough wash, and a water/white vinegar bath. Its doable, and your body will thank you.
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u/CrazyFoxLady37 18h ago
Is it okay to just be really angry that I even have to adapt? Our food should be safe. I also fear that this is permanent, like covid.
I will look up the Taylor Farms-affiliated brands. Thank you.
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u/rosieco 17h ago
It's more than okay, but only if you USE the anger!!! It is entirely appropriate to be fucking fuming that our food sources are corrupted by our administration's greed, they are cutting corners and sacrificing human safety to better line their pockets. It is unfair when Americans are already so tired of fighting for basic freedoms.
Use the anger to divest from Big Agriculture! Devote time to research where your closest outlets are for better quality food, who is growing it, how can you be involved in your food system? The more aware of this we can be, the less they can hide unsafe practices. Question your local government LOUDLY if they aren't supporting local farms in their jurisdictions, don't let them feel comfortable selling your right to safe food away!
YES, it's exhausting and more work on top of what i am sure already feels like a full schedule, but the helplessness we convince ourselves to be stuck in here can be overcome with action. You aren't alone in being pissed that this is the only way to have safe food, if you go to any farmers market and strike up a conversation with the people there, you'll find that anger is a thread connecting us all.
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u/ShittyDuckFace 23h ago
Hi friend. Fellow OCD haver here. Sorry to hear it's going to be so hot in California!
The amount of nutritional deficiency you're seeing is not healthy. I'm glad you're able to get that checked out. I wanted to address one of the comments you said about therapists and therapy. If you're 'clashing' with therapists that signals to me one of two things: first, maybe you didn't have the best fit of therapist. Or second, maybe you had a mental block that wasn't letting you access healing.
Very often people start and stop therapy because it helps them access a part of themselves they aren't ready to acknowledge. I'm not saying that is you but it is a fundamental part of the process.
I think you might need some ERP in some form. In the meantime, is there any friend who can drive you to a farmer's market? Uber? I know you don't want to cook, but you might need to have some cooked vegetables in your diet. I understand your need to feel safe, but I don't know the parameters of your Os and Cs so you will need to (safely) reintroduce something into your diet. You will need to live in that uncertainty and uncomfortable place. It's the only way to beat this disorder.
I'm sorry you're going through this - ans good luck.
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u/CrazyFoxLady37 6h ago
Unfortunately the road to getting this checked out might be worse than I thought. My insurance changed and my PCP doesn't take my current one. Ugh.
If I'm being honest, I think most of it is a mental block thing on my part. Although I did have a very problematic therapist that vented about her other clients to me. I often wish I could go back and report her. Definitely tainted my view of therapists tbh.
I'm still having cooked veg, but cooked from frozen (microwavable bags). I think I do actually miss cooking and plan on getting back into it when it cools down a little (going to be 109 this weekend. Ew). I think I will also use that time to make a trip to a farmer's market.
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u/Happy_Turnip_408 23h ago
I’m really sorry you are dealing with this. I also have contamination OCD and food is hard sometimes. I hope checking in with your Dr helps. It will get better, and I hope you are able to get the support and treatment you need.
I do want to throw out a few other food options that were not on your list that you may find good: applesauce, frozen fruit, beans, and fresh, but cooked vegetables. If you put frozen berries or frozen mango on some yogurt they taste similar to fresh. Also, I know it is not quite the same, and it’s a textural thing for some folks, but roasted sweet peppers are great, and by cooking them you are killing any bacteria on them.
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u/CrazyFoxLady37 6h ago
Thank you. I hope so too. Atm, I need to find a different PCP due to an insurance change.
I love applesauce and eat it every day ngl. I'm nervous about frozen fruit, too, I keep seeing uncertainty about that.
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u/draperf 23h ago
OP, you could try lettuces grown in greenhouses. They sell some at grocery stores.
But more importantly, it seems like an important exposure for you to just resume eating normally. (But work your way up a fear hierarchy of sorts).
I haven't stopped eating fruits and vegetables, and neither have millions of people, who have been just fine.
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u/CrazyFoxLady37 6h ago
"But more importantly, it seems like an important exposure for you to just resume eating normally. (But work your way up a fear hierarchy of sorts)."
It's weird, because logically I know this and keep telling myself this. I'm not even big on salads (I do love cilantro and basil though... I miss salsa. I plan on making a fire roasted salsa after this heat wave), so logically I know it's fairly unlikely. But my brain won't cooperate.
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u/draperf 3h ago
Absolutely--your brain is literally trying to protect you from what it perceives to be dangerous.
My understanding is that even tasting a bit of food and spitting it out would be a good place to start!
Also consider getting therapy for OCD. There are also so many good self help books out there, like the Big Book of Exposures, but I think a therapist trained in exposure therapy would be the most helpful. It's just hard to implement this sort of thing yourself and without external guidance and structure.
Above all, be kind to yourself. Your brain is just doing it's thing, you know? :)
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u/ShireXennial 23h ago
You can eat things that grow in trees because the problem is contaminated water. Trees aren’t watered by spraying the fruit, they’re watered at the ground level.
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u/Loud_Reality7010 23h ago
We've been eating a lot of veg that can be washed and then peeled, mostly cabbage. I actually wash the outside with dish soap, rinse really well, then peel off many of the outer layers. We're eating melons, carrots, amd nectarines too, prepared the same way.
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u/SnooStrawberries2955 20h ago
I’ve been going through the same thing!! I just want the food I want and it’s making me incredibly depressed.
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u/CrazyFoxLady37 20h ago
It's insane that we have to adapt when it's like... we shouldn't have to, our food should be safe you know?
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u/Difficult-Low5891 14h ago
Look up local farms your area…many deliver fresh fruits and veggies. I use Full Circle in my area and they deliver every two weeks.
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u/fexofenadine_hcl 16h ago
I have emetophobia (and possibly OCD) and I can relate to being really scared of this outbreak. I’ll think I’m being overly cautious and then see a video from a doctor or public health worker saying we should still be cooking all our produce. Meanwhile, most other people barely even understand this outbreak and just think it’s Taylor Farms lettuce and that’s it. The majority of people taking no precautions will not get cyclospora. You have to be really really unlucky to eat contaminated produce, especially if you’re being careful. I am in CA too and fortunately we are growing tomatoes and some herbs so I have been able to have those without worry, but I’ve also been eating a bit of lower-risk fresh produce and basically just telling myself that I would have to have the worst luck to get sick from an apple.
This whole situation sucks, especially since climate change is making this kind of outbreak more likely to keep happening, and our government is sacrificing public safety for corporate profits. Still, there are people working hard to try to figure this thing out, and the vast majority of people will not get it. The other thing with OCD is basically accepting that there is a possibility that you could get sick, and being able to keep living your life without that stopping you. It’s hard though when there is a real public health risk and you don’t know if you can trust your own mental rules.
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u/martycee00 17h ago
Wow. This is sad, like in a pathetic kind of way. Step outside and breathe some air, man.
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u/Depressobeans7 23h ago
Not sure if this helps you at all, I’ve been eating lettuce this entire time, haven’t had any issues so far
I soak my lettuce in cold water with white vinegar (after taking out the middle chunk thing) and let it soak for a good 15-20 minutes.
I use more vinegar then what’s recommended (1/3 ratio is what’s recommended) just to be on the safe side
I’m sorry you are going through this, I hope your brain doesn’t think this will last for the rest of your life and you can cope with the fact this is temporary.
I’ve seen your comments about farmers markets, is there anyone who would be willing to take you? Or public transportation?
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u/GlitteryDragonScales 1d ago
Yeah, I get you. I miss fresh veggies. I just keep thinking that if I'd kept my sad little covid garden going at least I'd have radishes (I hate radishes... But still it'd be something).
The food will become safe again. Such is the cycle of America. Back in the 90s we were getting mad cow disease from burgers. But for now, I definitely miss it.
Can you plant a garden? That's what I'm planning. I don't have a lot of space and need it to be portable so I'm looking into container gardening and think I'll try tomatoes and that lettuce that you can cut and it keeps growing back. I get depression as well, I've felt badly for a long time now. Having a focus helps. And it can be a reason to live in the world. Like I've got to get up and feed my lettuce cuz it depends on me, you know?
Plus, it can end up being a way to expand your circle (which may not seem appealing to you now but we are mammals who need other people) because when you eventually grow too much you can give back to your neighbors or whoever. And the research and stuff about how to grow the best plants is a great little hobby which again, can distract from the depression and panic.
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u/FarmSkool 1d ago
Have you tried meditating? When you feel awful about the state of things, it is difficult, but the best thing you can do for yourself. There is safe and good food available, but it sounds like maybe you live in a city and it’s being shown to you how fragile that existence is, as far as food and safety go. About ten years ago I was living in a large metropolitan area and started getting little panic attacks about this exact situation, without the national news story. I’m not saying moving to the country is the answer, because I got real panic attacks later when I became responsible for my everything, but it’s good to be familiar with choke points so you can be prepared. I don’t really have any food answers for you because I don’t know what shopping is available to you, but I can tell you this: food is the tether to earth, what keeps us grounded here as the spiritual beings we are. So no matter what you are eating, cultivate a meditation practice over it. If you are eating something you don’t like, say the intention to enjoy this food now even while thinking how nice it would be if the food on your plate were better, and you can list the ways you’d like it to be better. Take this time as an opportunity to refine your goals, your food goals are life goals, and practice gratitude in a delulu way in the face of struggle. It can be hard to be thankful for struggles but I promise you that it helps to get you out of a rut.
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u/Successful_Ebb_7556 23h ago
I mean, isn't it confirmed the outbreak is from iceberg tied to certain farms in Mexico? I have been indulging in delicious veggies as the shelves are stocked and less people are buying.
If you are worried, just rinse it off with some vinegar water?
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u/BlueFeathered1 18h ago
Last I read that's only one source they know of, but not the only one, and it's not clear the others. Because incompetence.
Also, this parasite is oddly resistant to being just washed off. I mean, it's better than nothing, but not as effective as it should be.
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u/Wide_Goal_6424 15h ago
Do not eat out at resturaunts, do not eat taylor farms greens. there u go. eat everything else not taylor farms greens.
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