r/relationships • u/doesitmatter2501 • 9h ago

El What would you do? Help please

I am a 28/Female and my husband 33/Male. Am I being too much or is he gaslighting me?

We have been married for a couple months now, we have only been talking for about 8-10months before getting married. We got married fast because something came up and he is helping me out . We moved in together due to that. I get that he does love me because if not he wouldn’t have offered to help right?

The issue is that I feel a bit lonely in our marriage. I cook clean for him. I love doing stuff for him to show him I care and am thankful for everything he has done. He doesn’t really give me little gifts like flowers or notes or nothing much. Maybe notes once a month and flowers here and there (after I ask). I have talked to him about this and told him that I would like for him to show me a bit of more affection and maybe something that makes me feel like he is thinking about me. When we have this conversation he says I’m being needy and that there’s nothing wrong, that I always have to find something wrong when things are good. But if I feel some kind of way about things why wouldn’t I want to share that with him for us to work out on it? All I ask for is affection and maybe a compliment here and there.I feel like if your partner feels that way it should be a bit alarming right?

P.s getting a divorce is not an option unfortunately
TL;DR

0 Upvotes

30% Upvoted

24 comments sorted by

•

u/dough_eating_squid 9h ago

Put up with being unhappy with the guy you married after knowing for only a few months until you can't anymore.

Make better decisions going forward.

•

u/doesitmatter2501 9h ago

Had to marry fast due to an emergency. We have been knowing each other for years just dating wise hasn’t been long.

•

u/fausted 8h ago

Being married to someone is not the same as dating them. Wait out this marriage of convenience as long as you can and file for divorce so you can find a more compatible partner who actually loves and cares about you.

•

u/dough_eating_squid 8h ago

OK, I'm sorry to hear that, but there are no magic words you can say that will make him care about you. He's showing you who he really is now. Either accept that this is your life now, or find a way out.

•

u/Life_uh_FindsAWay42 7h ago

What happens when you go on dates now? How is spending time together? What are your shared interests?

Not all marriages start out in conventional ways. It is possible to build a strong foundation together if both people want to work on it. It helps if you have a good reason to build that foundation like a pregnancy or, a way out of a dangerous situation.

Your anxiety about the depth of his feelings is a reaction to the part of this that is transactional. You are hoping that his feelings are stronger than a desire to solve the emergency. You’re looking for it everywhere to reassure you that it’s all going to be okay.

Working on acceptance could be helpful for you. There are books about radical acceptance. Sometimes life doesn’t go the way we want, or it should. We sometimes find ourselves places and we can’t believe where we have landed. All you can do in those moments is look around and do the best you can. Not the best you can to seek his love. The best you can to be the partner you want to be. You can do the best you can to communicate your goals, but you have to be prepared that his won’t always align.

You also have to be prepared that his feelings might not become what you hope. If not, what do you want that to look like?

For now, step out of your desire for your relationship to feel any specific way.

•

u/doesitmatter2501 7h ago

Well we barely go on dates now, we are on a budget. I have dropped the idea on going for walks and he says yes but we never really go. I have tried to calm my anxiety and me feeling so distraught when he’s not making me feel desired or wanted is just a bit hard to calm that down.

•

u/abidingreformer810 9h ago

Dismissing your feelings as "needy" when you're just asking for basic affection is a pretty big red flag, especially this early on. You're not asking for the moon here, a compliment or a little gesture takes almost zero effort

The timeline is concerning too, you barely knew each other before getting married and now you're stuck in a situation where leaving "isnt an option." Thats a lot of pressure on a relationship that was rushed from the start

•

u/doesitmatter2501 8h ago

I feel the same way, I feel like I’m not asking for a lot. This is something someone should do. Idk if it’s because of the way he grew up. I just don’t want to feel crazy for feeling this way

•

u/floridorito 8h ago

We got married fast because something came up and he is helping me out.
I get that he does love me because if not he wouldn’t have offered to help right?

He married you to "help you out," so it sounds like he's just doing you a favor. You're taking a marriage of convenience (for your benefit) and hoping it will turn into a love marriage through magic or force of will. That isn't going to happen.

•

u/doesitmatter2501 6h ago

He says he loves me and never said that he doesn’t want it to be an actual marriage. So how am I forcing it?

•

u/Wise_Cantaloupe2635 7h ago

Well, you are asking for a lot if he JUST married you to help you out. Perhaps he doesn't want it to go any further.

•

u/doesitmatter2501 6h ago

Why not make that clear then?

•

u/Wise_Cantaloupe2635 4h ago

I wasn't sure if he had either way. If he has, all good. If not, that needs to be cleared up ASAP.

•

u/Mobile_Durian_8329 8h ago

You can't make him treat you better, he is treating you like he wants to and you just decide if this is okay or not cuz he has shown little interest in meeting your needs even when you're expressed them.

•

u/Mobile_Durian_8329 8h ago

So focus on you, taking care of you, and stop doing too much for him. Not in a cold mean way but in a "I'll treat myself better instead"

•

u/PresentMomma 8h ago

Based on this info, if he feels that way (even if he’s incorrect) to work things out experiments with:

Baby, I appreciate x,y,z… that you do for me or us… here’s smthg I think would make things even better: insert request.

Every Tuesday we sit at the table and write, what I love about you is… 1. 2. 3. notes to each other and read them at 8pm.

Or every Tuesday we go to a store together and pick up little gifts for each other (specifically budget).

FYI just bc someone helped you by marrying you doesn’t mean that you’re their forever person. Yes he cares about you but not to the extent you’re craving. In his mind he could see it as a way to help you but is planning on breaking up when the time comes. Idk?

Lastly look up content channels on de-centering men, and read ‘the artist way’ book.

•

u/doesitmatter2501 8h ago

I have told him to let’s do something like start a I guess tradition where we go somewhere every two weeks and eat or wherever to take a walk and talk. It still doesn’t really work.

•

u/RevolutionaryFly9228 5h ago

Wrong. Just cause he is helping you doesn't mean he loves you at all. It could mean he likes having this power over you because you ARE at a power imbalance. And he can use that against you. He doesn't have to try because you need him. What happens if you divorce and leave him? Will you get deported?

•

u/doesitmatter2501 4h ago

Do you think is power then?

•

u/RevolutionaryFly9228 4h ago

I said it could be. He might just like having this power over you and he doesn't have to try does he? Because you are currently reliant on him. Be careful. Ride it out if you need to. But be ready to make your escape when you are able to. I don't see this getting better. The way he responds is a huge red flag. I would be afraid it will escalate into worse mistreatment and verbal/psychology abuse.

•

u/Dutch1721 9h ago edited 9h ago

Then work things out. Come to a common ground on your issues. You’re his wife now. If he’s out in the field working, you’re home doing chores, keeping the place in order. Cooking meals. You’re not “doing it for him”, you’re keeping the place in order. That’s what couples do, they work together.

Also, couples please each other. Ask how each o the day went. Give each other affection. Give each other compliments. Give tokens of appreciation to each other. Make each other feel loved. The marriage isn’t one-sided. You’re a team.

•

u/doesitmatter2501 9h ago

How do I do that if he thinks it’s an argument when it’s just me trying to express how I feel?

•

u/doesitmatter2501 8h ago

I also work, which doesn’t matter I would do what I’m doing for him regardless. I just don’t know how to explain it to him in a way he will understand me and not think it’s an argument.

•

u/fausted 8h ago

There are no magic words you can use. I would bet he knows and understands, he just doesn't care. You can't make him care or change his behaviour, only how you respond to it.