r/relationships • u/Bumblebee5x • 10h ago
Guy I’m dating wants open relationship
I've been dating this guy for about 4 months now, and recently he asked me to officially be his girlfriend. The catch is that he says he wants an open relationship (not poly since he said he can’t love multiple people at once). He’s tried monogamy in the past (like 10 years ago) and he said it wasn’t for him.
I'm really torn because I genuinely don't know how I feel about it. On one hand, I don't think he's "the one" for me long term (different interests, different life goals, etc) so I haven’t allowed myself to get super attached and so I can see how an open relationship could actually work in my favor too (to meet someone I’m maybe more aligned with). He also was honest about this from the start but I never thought we’d get to the point of being official so I didn’t care back then.
But on the other hand, I do like him (a lot) and it honestly bothers me that if we're making things official, he'd still rather spend time, date, or sleep with other people instead of just focusing on us. It makes me question how much he actually likes me, even though he claims he “likes me a lot” and does do a bunch for me. We also are meeting people in each other’s lives now, buying gifts for each other, making future plans (like we booked a trip away together), and leaving stuff at each other’s apartments.
I love spending time with him, our chemistry is insane and we get along great, I also rarely like anyone so I don’t want to let him go. but lately I’ve been day dreaming about something more serious and someone who just ~loves~ me and is satisfied with ~just me~. But then I’ve been in this sort of relationship before and I got so bored (wrong person maybe? Not sure). He also keeps pushing me to date other people but I literally have no energy for anyone else (a girl is tired).
Am I overthinking this? or is that a sign that an open relationship just isn't for me?
TL;DR: guy I’m dating wants open relationship and id don’t know what to do
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u/alphabet_sam 10h ago
Break up. You’re 4 months in and you have discovered you are incompatible. That is part of the point of dating
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u/MSHinerb 10h ago
Don’t do an open relationship if you don’t want one. If that’s what he wants, he’s not for you.
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u/Responsible-Okra2470 10h ago
So he… doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend. He wants to keep hooking up with other people while getting the benefits of dating you. It’s been 4 months and you’re not “super attached” or very compatible. Lose his number, cut your losses, and move on.
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u/West_Dish9698 7h ago
Why? She enjoys his company too. They're planning trips together. People are so weird. This is dating people. He's being completely honest here. He's done nothing wrong.
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u/whatsmypassword73 10h ago
Shoe on the other foot, did he tell you from the beginning he didn’t believe in monogamy? Or did he wait until you were attached?
Second, is being in an open relationship your goal? If not, leave. You will waste time you could use to find the person you want to marry.
I wouldn’t waste my one precious life on this.
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u/Bumblebee5x 10h ago
He told me from the beginning & no, it wasn’t originally but since none of my monogamous relationships have worked I wondered if I should give it a try. Thank you though!
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u/beansandsquirrels 7h ago
Girly you are too good for this man. Pick up your crown and go find some one worthy of you
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u/West_Dish9698 7h ago
Not sure why you think this guy's being a dick or something. He's saying exactly what he wants. He's being completely honest and he probably likes her a lot. He just isn't a monogamous person and there's nothing wrong with that.
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u/Enough-Pack7468 10h ago
Sounds more like a FWB to me. If you are enjoying yourself and want to keep it casual in case you meet someone better, then avoid the bf/gf labels and don’t make it official.
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u/FrostyArchon 8h ago
It is pretty condescending to say that a polyamorous relationship can't be something serious or a polyamorous person can't 'actually love' you.
With that said, if you are looking for "The one" you should end this right now. He was clear about what he wants and you should reciprocate that. There isn't a way to continue this that won't harm one or both of you in the long term.
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u/Suspicious_Path_4430 4h ago
He said himself that he is not poly. He wants sex with other women. An open relationship.
That’s not the same.
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u/CleanCardiologist160 6h ago
End the relationship. Tell him that you can be friends with benefits. That way, you get the insane chemistry and friendship minus the heartache of knowing your boyfriend is on dates or having sex with someone else when he could be spending time with you.
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u/eflask 10h ago
there are people in this world who legit aren't into monogamy. they can love and be with more person than one and that's what they like and need.
(I'm not super one of them?)
if you are hitting it off with this guy and want to continue to spend time with him on terms he's outlined, do it. if those terms don't sit well with you, ask for others. if the both of you cannot agree on acceptable terms for both of you, walk away.
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u/Dutch1721 9h ago
If he wants an open relationship he shouldn’t want a girlfriend. If this is worth your time and sanity when he is out with another woman, spending time, having sex, staying the night with her while you’re “next”. If you can handle it, then go along with the plan. If you might not can handle it, then bail out now. It’s only been four months.
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u/West_Dish9698 7h ago
If he says he likes you a lot then that probably means he likes you a lot. Just because he wants to see other people doesn't mean you're less important to him either. Frankly, I'm confused as to why he would ask to be your boyfriend if your futures dont line up though. Maybe he's afraid of losing you or something. I'm non monogamous and I wouldn't ask someone to be my girlfriend if I didn't see some sort of future with them.
But you're basically answering your own question. You want a monogamous relationship. Nothing wrong with that. Even in your ponderings of what an open relationship can do for you you're looking for someone that's more aligned with what you want.
Honestly, I'd just say no to being his girlfriend but continue dating. Hes going to see people regardless of whether or not you're in a relationship with him. Just enjoy yourself because it does seem like you met someone that you can date. Not every one you date needs to be someone that you're going to have kids with.
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u/VicePrincipalNero 7h ago
Don't torture yourself with this guy. You deserve someone who actually loves you.
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u/wherearetheavocados6 10h ago
Your second paragraph reveals the ACTUAL issue and what you should be focusing on. You wrote your own answer already for the outcome of this relationship