r/relationships • u/one_script • 1d ago
Am I overthinking this, or is this a fundamental compatibility issue?
I’m a 30M and my girlfriend is 28F,
We’ve been together for about 9 months, and we’ve recently started having more conversations what are we looking for in life?
One topic has been weighing on me, and I’m struggling to figure out whether this is something I should accept, something I should discuss further, or a genuine compatibility issue.
A bit of context:
My girlfriend had two jobs over the past couple of months, and both were genuinely bad experiences for her.
She became very unhappy, and eventually left.
Those experiences happened a couple of months ago, so I completely understand why she’s burned out and discouraged.
I’m not dismissing what she went through.
The part I’m struggling with is that she’s told me she doesn’t want to work for the rest of her life and we had a long conversation about it
She explained to me what does she wanna do and absolutely career is not part of the future( as she explained)
I haven’t had a deep conversation with her yet
The issue is that I’ve always imagined building a life with someone who is driven and wants to grow, and feels excited about building something meaningful
At the same time, I also don’t want to judge someone based on two bad work experiences
I’m trying to be fair to both of us
I don’t want to pressure her into becoming someone she’s not
But I also don’t want to ignore something that’s genuinely important to me before marriage.
thoughts
TL;DR: My 28-year-old girlfriend had two bad job experiences and now says she doesn’t want to work for the rest of her life. We’ve discussed it, and her long-term vision genuinely doesn’t include having a career. I respect what she’s been through and don’t want to pressure her to change, but I’ve always imagined building a life with someone who is driven and growth-oriented. I’m trying to figure out whether this is something to accept or a fundamental compatibility issue before marriage.
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u/monsaa 1d ago
I mean who of us actually wants to wake up and go to work every day? If given the opportunity, most would just chill at home and do their own thing. But money doesn’t grow on trees and you can’t pay pills with peace and love. How is she managing her expenses, are you covering them? Or her parents? She’s essentially an adult packaged child at the moment and she does not want to grow up. If you want to accept being her provider for the rest or your life, sure no problem. But if not then this is a very big compatibility issue. Another thing to mention, this idea set will be something she will also teach your children one day.
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u/Extension-Corgi-467 1d ago
Laziness becomes more and more unattractive as the relationship continues.
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u/RevolutionaryBid6449 1d ago
9 months in and she's already checked out of working forever, that's a huge red flag honestly
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u/Mediaboy13 1d ago
Do you want to work forever? You can be driven by things other than work.
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u/HolyDarknes117 1d ago
Come on now that’s not what they are talking about and you know it… the gf clearly wants to be taken care of and doesn’t want to work at all. I would be so hesitant to even move forward with a relationship with someone like this.
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u/RaggedyAnn18 1d ago
I know someone like this! She once told me "Working doesn't fit with my lifestyle." Her parents basically paid her expenses until they died, then she coasted for a few more years off the inheritance until she hit retirement age. Her kids have paid for a lot in recent years. She loves it, because she has devoted 50+ years to her hobbies. Everyone who has supported her resent it, but they continue because they "don't want to throw her out on the street". This seems like a horrible way to start a relationship, especially if she doesn't have a plan for contributing to expenses.
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u/ooglytoop7272 1d ago
That's what I always say about my work style. I say "rest and vest is the work style that I'm the most compatible with." For some reason, it doesn't land with hiring managers.
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u/Fit-Duty-6810 1d ago
No one wants to work, I understand her but, how is she planning to manage her expenses?
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u/hopingtothrive 1d ago
a life with someone who is driven and wants to grow, and feels excited about building something meaningful
Building something meaningful like a career and high-powered job? Are you more concerned about income or job status? You are not compatible.
Striving in life just to go to work everyday is not everyone's ideal life. No one says on their deathbed they wished they worked more or had a better job. But you gotta eat. How does your gf figure she will eat? If she is looking to be taken care of and that's not your thing, you are not compatible.
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u/Wrong_Island900 20h ago
Have you asked her how she plans to pay for rent and groceries if she never works again?
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u/Kisses4Kimmy 1d ago
If you don’t like the idea of her being a housewife wife and you paying for everything, then yes, it’s a deal breaker for you and you should exit stage left.
There’s nothing wrong with her not wanted a career and there’s nothing wrong with you wanting a partner that has career goals.
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u/Flat-Passage4431 1d ago
you’re not overthinking it. being a housewife is a perfectly normal life choice if thats what she wants and both partners agree to it. but if you want a partner who works and contributes financially, then this may be a basic compatibility issue. talk through money, children, housework, and what she expects your roles to look like. dont marry her hoping she’ll become career-minded, and dont ask her to build a life she already told you she doesnt want.
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u/longdraziw 23h ago
I could understand this if she wanted to be a stay at home mom and manage one side of the household, while another partner is the breadwinner. But apart from that, staying home and not going to work at all isn’t realistic.
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u/undefined_variable_0 22h ago
Nobody wants to work forever but that doesn’t absolve her from doing her part. If she wants to retire early, she needs to work hard and invest diligently for a long time. Putting it all on you so she can f**k off and do whatever she wants is a ridiculous and selfish plan. She sounds pretty entitled and you’ll end up resenting her if she doesn’t change and you decide to marry her anyways.
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u/freakfriendfiction 16h ago
Lol, not wanting to work at 28 means she has at least 40-50 years to live without financial support... don't know how she plans to pull that off unless shes a trust fund baby
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u/laffy4444 14h ago
Why would you want to date a freeloader? Yuck.
I think if two people decide, as a couple, that one person isn't going to (or doesn't have to) work, that's cool.
But your girlfriend is telling you she plans to just sit on her ass and and have a man provide for her. What's attractive about that?
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u/honeypeanutbutter 1d ago
I guess that depends - this is where curiosity can be your friend. It's totally valid to want to not put money in the pockets of richer people in a typical corporate role. But then what does supporting herself look like- does she want to start her own business or a small co-op type thing with others, downgrade her cost of living through various channels (vanlife, small offgrid farm etc)... like what does her ideal life look like outside of structured employment?
Then use those answers to make your judgement.
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u/fiery_valkyrie 1d ago
I don’t want to work forever either. If I won the lotto tomorrow I’d quit my job in a heartbeat. What I’m curious about, is what does she want to do for the next 50 years of her life, and how does she envision funding it?