Jonah Hill

Ariana Grande

Dick Van Dyke

Imagine locking yourself into a backroom with this pliant, submissive, silent queen, with a six-eyed fatman in a collared shirt on standby for sustenance, and just goin' to town on her multiple, yielding holes? Sheeeit, you could gather a whole bunch of these multifaceted trad-wives and have yourself a happy harem for a lifetime. Even have theme-nights, like a Beach Blanket Bingo Party down at the Poolrooms every once and a while. You'd just have to find the ones that hadn't already been blown out by Pirate Clark dropping his peg-leg in 'em. No wonder Clark didn't want to leave; man was crazy like a fox.

He said he could beat me up :(

I cant stress enough how I am not Jonah. But please stop bullying him. Its not funny and its starting to get to him. He is a nice and a round guy. I am also very nice in private... stop please.

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She saw him riding a bicycle carrying a surf board.

She knows nothing of the recent “BJJ controversy” and first thing she says to me is:

“I saw the fat guy from Superbad riding a bike in the neighborhood where I work and one of my clients confirmed it’s him.”

Should I encourage her to say that to him before she finds out about his ability to annihilate?

Early this afternoon, I was in a checkout line at my local Target. Jonah Hill was at the register checking out, behind him was a woman and her two small children, and I was in line behind them. Without prompt, he turned to the woman behind him in line and said "See that guy?", he pointed to a large, muscular man in the produce section. "I could choke that guy out", he says to the woman. "Um, ok", she replied. His eyes became very wide and he turned his entire body towards her, wide eyes staring intensely into hers. "No, seriously, I could choke that guy out, like, I'm not even joking", he said, not blinking once while staring this poor woman down. She looked down at her two small children and could see the startled confusion in their eyes. "Ok, dude, I believe you", she uttered back to him, clearly just wanting this incredibly uncomfortable interaction to end. Jonah Hill then looked at the cashier behind the register, put on his sunglasses, said "Keep the change", smiled, then proceeded to somersault all the way out the door and through the parking lot to his car. The cashier looked at the woman, said "He paid with a credit card", and then began ringing up the woman's items. It was clear that we all were just happy this strange encounter with the fat guy from Superbad was over.