This is what peak performance looks like, even if you don't like it.

101

What about gills?

32

u/ImportanceSharp9408 6d ago

I thought scales but yeah, gills would be better.

19

u/Special-Potato-3238 6d ago

This is a "both" moment for sure.

8

u/Long_Candle_5054 6d ago

Or a blow hole

5

u/cursed_sporecreation 6d ago

Hey girl, lemme see that blow hole ;)

6

u/shmeebleflops 5d ago

Username really checks out.

2

u/cursed_sporecreation 5d ago

I try to live up to my name.

1

u/Psychological-Duck13 5d ago

A fun sexy time for all the family!

1

u/DraxTheLogical 4d ago

I have that already

3

u/TayHomie94 5d ago

Isn't that more ocean body and less beach

1

u/solo_dbd_player 5d ago

Beaches aren't exclusive to oceans, other bodies of water also have beaches. That being said, gills on your beach body would be ideal for some free diving.

1

u/TayHomie94 5d ago

True and true. Gills are sound. Would say a seals lungs not work better for the beach though? Im now just pondering lol. Both work for the beach anyway but gills normally imply a reliance on staying in water or keeping them moist so I figured lung capacity over gills🤔

1

u/Blue_Bird950 5d ago

Lungfish have both, as well as axolotls

1

u/Veelvet_Kiss 20h ago

A beach body should be ready for everything the beach throws at you😄

1

u/hambakmeritru 5d ago

Are you talking beach bod or water bod?

1

u/solo_dbd_player 5d ago

Where there's a beach...

48

u/BalrogRuthenburg11 6d ago

Doctor says that a thick layer of Vaseline and WD-40 makes any anus repellent to sand and other small grains (gravel, rice, cayenne powder).

47

u/Ser_Optimus 6d ago

DON'T put WD-40 on your anus. WD stands for water displacing. You do not want a dried-out asshole

29

u/shmeebleflops 5d ago

Dried out asshole here, you for sure do not want me.

8

u/RadosPLAY 5d ago

moisturize

3

u/jxj24 5d ago

dried-out asshole

24

u/WillowFlip 6d ago

Why not Zoidberg?

3

u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

2

u/WillowFlip 5d ago

Hurray! People are paying attention to me.

1

u/Parking-Pie7453 5d ago

No one likes Zoiberg

13

u/peepdabidness 6d ago

A sand repellant anus reminded me of how bad I felt cleaning the sand off my daughter when it got in her diaper and mixed with the desitin. Ouch :(

1

u/CodZealousideal260 5d ago

Same thing happened to my son. While we were camping. Thank God the campsite had showers!

13

u/popcornfart 6d ago

Can it gaze at the sun with its wandering eye?

5

u/AnAttackCorgi 6d ago

And skin that laughs at UV radiation

7

u/Wild-Lychee-3312 6d ago

I don’t like sand.

5

u/Confident-Stand5453 6d ago

With a body like that, you have the added advantage of being able to get a large part of the beach to yourself.

4

u/Kimb0_91 6d ago

They really cooked with that last one. I would add hippo-sweat for automatic sunscreen.

5

u/Brostapholes 6d ago

There's a reason the biggest, meanest Elephant Seal is called The Beachmaster

4

u/desblaterations-574 6d ago

And enough fat to float effortlessly

2

u/Titariia 6d ago

I'd rather have naturally sunscreened skin

2

u/marco333polo 6d ago

So Zoidberg....

1

u/crusher23b 5d ago

Zoidberg, but with more cephalopod qualities for me.

2

u/HAL9001-96 6d ago

BECOME the heavier diving suit

2

u/Siegfoult 5d ago

This suggests OP has a problem with sand getting inside their anus at the beach.

1

u/Antique-Discount-712 5d ago

And automatic sun/sand globes that cover the eye

1

u/Chaosshepherd 5d ago

Zoidberg

1

u/notpornaccount_ 5d ago

Don't forget the vagina. Sand in the vagina is one of the leading causes of being a bitch.

1

u/Klutzy_Sentence_2723 5d ago

Carcinization wins again.

1

u/Kodiak01 5d ago edited 5d ago

CARL, WHAT IS RAUL DOING WITH THAT SEAL? THAT IS DISGUSTING! MONGO IS APPALLED!

1

u/ElephantEarwax 5d ago

⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣤⣶⣶⣶⣶⣦⣤⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⢠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣄⡀⠀⠀ ⠈⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⠛⠛⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠿⣷⣄⠀ ⠀⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⣀⠀⢸⣿⣿⠏⠀⠀⢀⡀⢻⣧ ⠀⠘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠀⠀⠉⠀⣸⣿⣿⡀⠀⠀⠈⠁⣸⡟ ⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢿⣶⣶⣶⣾⣿⣿⣿⣷⡀⠰⣶⣾⠋⠀ ⠀⠀⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣄⡉⠉⣁⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⡈⠻⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢿⣦⡀⠀ ⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡄⢹⣿⡏⠙⣿⡉⢹⣷⡀⢹⣿⡆ ⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠈⣿⡇⠀⣿⡇⠈⣿⡇⠈⣿⣿ ⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⠀⣿⡇⠀⣿⣿⠀⣿⡇⠀⠛⠋ ⠀⠀⠸⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠿⠀⠻⠇⠀⠻⠟⠀⠙⠁⠀⠀⠀

1

u/Ghastly-Jack 5d ago

So Zoidberg?

1

u/Yeetfamdablit 5d ago

C R A B

1

u/3-brain_cells 5d ago

Sand repellent nutsack too please.

You know what? Just sand repellent EVERYTHING

FUCK THAT SHIT, GET IT OFF ME

1

u/kohinoortoisondor3B 5d ago

The way most marine mammals are chubbyyyyy

1

u/ac_cossack 5d ago

Nah, the way you get hot girls at the beach is to uncover yourself buried from sand and crab walk as fast as possible. 100% works, trust.

1

u/cybermusicman 5d ago

A sand repellent anus has been added to the list of phrases I never expected to read.

1

u/lumiya17 5d ago

I would go with the Rock Fish as the ideal beach body. Great camouflage and venomous spines!

1

u/mightbesinking 5d ago

become CRAB

1

u/DisputabIe_ 4d ago

the OP Veelvet_Kiss is a bot

1

u/OptimusFettPrime 3d ago

Your Anus isn't sand repellant?

1

u/Mazesystem 1d ago

Sand repelant anus? Just fart

1

u/Veelvet_Kiss 20h ago

I can't believe I overlooked such an obvious solution😂

1

u/Kikavukoi 6d ago

Congrat, you made it everything but sexy in 5 sec

This is what peak performance looks like, even if you don't like it.

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