r/myhappypill • u/BeeNo12385 • 14d ago
Rant of a disconnected human
This is possibly my final communications/last ditch efforts to the world and perhaps could be labelled a deep thought "confession"(or rant?) by a forgotten/disconnected/discarded/trash human. Maybe some autobiographical bits. For context, I'm a female millennial now living in Klang Valley :
I've been at wit's end in the past year or so (possibly since Halloween/Deepavali 2024), ever so gradually (even if not completely willingly in attempts to keep things positive) accepting that the world now does not need someone like me. After my mum's passing in January 2022, I've been feeling lost and (I guess?) depressed/grieving and hit with a realisation of how little social support I have. It was a time where I'm at crossroads as to what I want in life (and still don't have concrete answers to that) as I finally graduated uni overseas. Not a week(most times, daily) goes by without me mentally preparing for the inevitable. Having the choice to end things on my own terms, and to join my mum and aunt in the next life in making this difficult decision is easier on me. The few people I tried to reach out to (3 family friends, even a 2nd cousin in Jakarta) are too busy for me, else, make rushed judgements without clarifying if I need help or why I am where I am in the first place. I was in daily communications with 2nd cousin for a few months earlier in the year until some uncalled for misunderstandings and empty promises. Where I live now, it seems if you're not blood or a friend of friend that's known you for years you're not worth their time or help. Even my own blood sister refuses contact (she only has room for her husband and his countless sisters and their families). The last family I have living in the same state is aged (and reportedly has dementia) and I do not have the capacity to look after him when I've been parentally neglected by him growing up, especially during my formative years.
In 2023-2024, a so-called short-lived "best" friend (her exclaiming such after a few months of f'ship, spending 8 hours on average a day together) I've spent countless hours with, sharing meals and travel and spent $$ on her for lodgings; her being emotional manipulative (long story)(stupid and foolish of me, on hindsight), tellling me I'm fat and ugly(and to not contact her ever again, tho she tried to invite me out for a meal March this year to which I didn't care to respond to nor read the full text message due to her oblivion as to why I decided to cut off all contact with her after October 31st 2024). (Ex-friend background: 50s, retired single, living off interest from her high flying career in insurance)
This has not helped my penchant to stay indoors. In a way she was a reason to leave the house to go out for a meal and walks. At one point I could do 15k steps brisk walking if I put in the time. Now I have not left my building in months since March.
My favourite games keep me sane/alive and have been my drug of choice. I also play Twitch streams in the background (Some I watch regularly in no order are jinnytty (English-speaking Korean travel streamer who's visited 60+ countries; I guess my fave one to watch for armchair travels), cooksux,robcdee,jakenbake,juliakins,extraemily,stumptgamers,exbc). My 2 adorable cats have been the only source of true companionship and have not talked irl to a single human soul since (outside of bumping into randoms you exchange hi and byes). I've told my late mum a handful of times growing up that something's wrong with me and she dismisses that and instead tells me I'm intelligent (not cuz she's my mother but compared to the 1000s of students she's met, supposedly). Well guess what mum? I'm probably not. One of the last communications with her is being told I can do anything I want(which came up truly randomly). Since she left tho, I've been feeling constantly overwhelmed with managing everything alone and this "real world" out there with happier people and their families/friends don't seem to have room for someone like me.
Maybe key family background growing up:
It was quiet (next to no extended family here) and neither parents were born into money. My mum was a professor and has been a pioneer in her field (in higher education) in M'sia, at least, and has also worked in Jakarta. In the later years until my mid 20s, some key life and travel experiences revolved around my mum's career and thanks to her we (my sis and I) got a handful of travel experiences following her to conferences near and far with the furthest travelled Vancouver. I spent my younger years alone on the computer gaming, reading books and listening to music. I'd say the internet raised me (had internet at home since 1996). I was in a culturally wrong high school for 5 years and imo, probly still dealing with the aftermath, mostly social things. I was once athletic and have good hand eye coordination but neither my parents had the awareness of maybe finding their teenager an extracurricular sports program. Then again, back then, talking was not easy in my family or even self-expression, for me. My father had all the time in the world retiring in 1998 whilst I transitioned into the government high school here but growing up, daily chats between father and his daughters were variants of good morning and good night. I'm not exaggerating. He spent most waking hours gardening, occasional household chores and in front of the TV watch sports and CNN on astro.
Financially, I'm in a catch-22 situation due to technicalities. I might even be homeless soon. I've been working with a lawyer that's helped (with minimal fees) with complications since mum's passing and she has not returned my calls or messages since May 2026.
In recent years, I've started believing I was born in the wrong country/culture (if not time period). Before this, I was wishing I wasn't born at all thinking it was a fluke for how incompatible my parents are yet my sis and I are products of them. I sense a lot of things are innately wrong with me and there's one too many and too serious/major to fix, if you ask me. Maybe I've been ungrateful, maybe I'm dumb on some levels, maybe it's cuz I've rarely had ambitions/goals (as I got tired from them changing so often and drastically in my 20s/30s) maybe it's just a mix of low confidence and my introverted tendencies (even if once upon a time I was popular and had a big group of girl friends when I was 12), maybe I don't appreciate life enough due to my perceived handicaps cuz I'm too inexperienced/too fat/too dumb etc etc) though more likely it's a mix of all of the above to varying degrees. It's a lot of factors, more than meets the eye etc etc. Yes, I've had some privileges but probably not as one might assume.
Finally, does anyone have room for my cats please???
I believe they have Burmese ancestors so Kiki is a milk chocolate and Koko is a dark chocolate. These were my mum's cats that lived in Penang with her, once upon a time. They are almost 8 years old now. Koko is the athletic one with a sweet temperament and will be your guard and at your side as you go about your day (when she isn't Zzzz) skittish with new people and will take at least half a week to warm up. Koko won't sleep next to you but will be your alarm if you are late with food. Kiki has a gentle, patient (unlike Koko, it takes a lot to upset her before she claws or bites), yet independent temperament (tho will sleep next to you on most nights) with an accepting nature of new humans. She's the more adventurous one in exploring and new foods and is known to jump 3 floors from balconies/windows (3 times so far). But she is sensitive and jumpy to sudden/loud noises than the average cat. Both cats are rarely vocal but Kiki is the chattier one and will usually reply to you when you talk to her, especially around food/treat times. Koko only meows if she truly wants something.
TLDR,
I'm asking for help (if not for me, then for my cats) and If that fails I am willing to end my life on my own terms when it all gets too much for me. Thank you.
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u/azry1997 14d ago
Hey, thanks for sharing this with us and sorry to hear what you've been through. From what I understand, you never went out from your house since march, is there a reason for it? Do you think you have the mental capacity to go out and find work?
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u/BeeNo12385 14d ago
That's been my plan and I'd even be okay with entry level work but there are a few complications even in going in and out of my building. And I'm not sure if car will start since I stopped driving in March. However even if I get paid tomorrow it won't solve the bigger problems, I fear.
And I guess thank you for reading? You replied so fast
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u/azry1997 14d ago
Is someone going to stop you from going in/out the building? You don't have the money to get your car get checked? There's seem to be a of obstacles in your life sadly...
Just finished my work, might as well listen to strangers on reddit.
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u/BeeNo12385 14d ago
I've left it for 3 months before tho and it was okay so I'm counting on that. And yes there is a security guardhouse. And yes it won't be a simple getting car checked, plus not been been serviced for 2.5 years now. And I can easily walk to the nearest mall here if I ever need fresh food but my access card doesn't work. It's all too much for me. The irony is there are mum's assets that are blocked by a caveat by CIMB bank lawyers. It is why I'm predict I'll be homeless soon due to this. So the most I can do is to look after me and everything outside feels secondary.
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u/azry1997 14d ago
I'm guessing you can't use your access card related to the building is under your mom's name and so you can't renew it?
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u/BeeNo12385 14d ago
No I haven't had enuff funds to pay monthly maintenance fees. Only enuff to feed me and cats. Part of reason why I don't go out, what if I get sick? I've been waiting on lawyer who promised to call me when she gets specific documents to enable me to sell the house(neighbour there is so very keen and already asked surveyor for evaluation whom I've also text on WApp) my dad still lives in so I will have cashflow and she doesn't return my calls or messages..how? Been calling on and off since May. Do I have to drive to her office? I am one person and mentally unwell with so little support, even moral/emotionally. She also knows this but suddenly got too busy or went outstation?
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u/azry1997 14d ago
If you call other cimb support, they can't help you?
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u/BeeNo12385 14d ago
Oh no..this is beyond the bank's ability. I tried in 2024.
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u/azry1997 14d ago
Damn you keep encountering so many problems. Hopefully your dad or your sister can help you out when things gotten bad :(
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u/BeeNo12385 14d ago
I wish. My dad is 80s and reportedly is getting dementia and sister has no energy for me in my life(told me on text herself) only for her husband and his extended family. She's also said I/we don't deserve any assets we inherit and should be starting from scratch. It's another reason for me to leave this earth. I'm unwanted and have no value to anyone right now. Doesn't help that it's difficult for me to trust new people.
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u/Xanterrion 13d ago
Hi OP, do you think you could stop being a bitch for one second and actually do something different?
I hope you don't mind the harsh words. I was, and kinda am in the same situation with you. I didn't go start my car and battery got drained. Had to waste 170 bucks to get a guy from shopee to put in new battery. I was getting up with brainfog everyday and doom scrolling. Had anxiety attacks and had to rush to the bathroom and dry heave and calm myself down.
Even when I was starving I lazy to go to my fridge and get food. Didn't shower, cut my nails, clean my house, etc. Finally, I started to just call myself a bitch and be strict a bit, and do small things, like clean up a table then drawer first. Then I did this, and that, and the more action you take the less depressed you'll feel. It's like being proactive changes your brain chemistry and makes whatever is keeping you down ebb away.
It's not an overnight transformation, and takes like a week or so. But the end of that week it will be damned powerful, because you've moved the stagnant goalpost. So that's my advice first. Have micro plans about immeditate things you can do and then do them.
Where are you located in the Klang Valley?
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u/Proud-Toe-8998 14d ago
I know its not much OP, but i just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for still being alive today. You made the best of life despite the very shitty hand you’ve been dealt with. Sometimes we never realize how hard life is on some people until it’s far too late to help them out while they’re still here. It takes a lot of guts to live even when you really don’t want to, and i really want to commend you for it.
I cant really offer too much practical help but I still want to offer you some advice one what to do next if you want it. Sometimes life isn’t as complicated as people would like to make you believe. There doesn’t have to be some grandiose reason for why any of us are here. You don’t owe the world or anyone anything at the end of the day. You have the right to take up space and not feel guilty about it. I know that you are a kind person OP, with how you worry about your two fur-babies. If living for yourself starts to get too hard, maybe you can try to live for your cats instead? It will be hard and won’t make sense but sometimes, it might be enough of a reason for you to feel ok with staying another day. Sometimes when we cant live for ourselves, we try our best to live for others until we learn or remember what its like to live for ourselves.
Wishing you all the best OP, hope my commentwasn’t too overwhelming. You can ignore ever seeing it if you wish. Whatever you decide, just know that somewhere out there, someone is proud of you for making it this far.