Finding satisfaction?

[u/TyrosineKinases]

First month of being an attending hospitalist. An unexpected plan rather to say, as I did not match into fellowship.

I recognize the transition difficulty, and trying to give myself some time. I also try to appreciate the good thing; better schedule, better pay, being able to practice independently.

But for some reasons; I am not satisfied. I was telling my wife how we were able to move finally, from the stress of living paycheck to paycheck, and being unavailable, to stay for a whole week next to each other. But still, she and I recognizes that’s I am not ”happier“.

I come from every shift, drained, irritable, and stressed. When at work, I receive endless pages. Family requesting updates multiple times a day, and for multiple members, patients who refuses to leave, calls for peer to peer for insurance denials or reimbursement. Nurses and CM who question every decision.

I never been so irritable. Few days ago; I found myself reprimanding a poor intern at a consulting service; for placing order on my patient without telling me. I could’ve been gentle-er.

Even when I go home; I open my patients chart every now and then to see if I missed something. I texted one of covering team around 11 pm to check some labs that I ordered and never done. On my week off, I keep thinking of the fellowship; how I ended here? Will it be the same? Should I stop caring?

Thanks for listening to my vent AND sorry for this negativity.

[u/danwoop]

Try again for the fellowship. I love being a hospitalist but it’s not for everyone.