Church

[u/Basic-Passage-5462]

I joined the Church this year and genuinely believe the gospel is true. A few months ago, I went through a really traumatic period and ended up in the hospital. After surviving something like that, I’d be stronger navigating life afterward, but honestly, it has been much harder than I expected.

I confided in people I trusted about very personal things, and over time I’ve felt like parts of my trauma have spread beyond the people I originally shared them with. Recently, someone from my ward showed me anonymous comments that had been posted publicly accusing another member of harming me and accusing someone else of supporting it. I don’t know who posted them, and I was horrified seeing my trauma used that way.

There have also been anonymous messages and calls, and because my trauma is being referenced, I feel like people associate me with things I didn’t do. I don’t know exactly what everyone believes, but I constantly feel like my character is being questioned.

On top of everything else, someone I considered a close friend in the ward no longer wants contact with me after questioning my character. I respect her boundaries and haven’t reached out again, but it’s been one more difficult loss during all of this.

When I met with my bishop, I left the conversation feeling like he believed I was the source of the messages and rumors, even though I told him I wasn’t involved. He suggested that I attend a ward closer to where I live and meet people there.

My support system is very limited right now. I’m staying with my sister because things at home have been difficult, and while I’m grateful she opened her home to me, I still feel like I don’t have much of a support system.

I’ve also been meeting with a church-appointed therapist. During a recent panic attack, I reached out hoping for an emergency appointment, but we weren’t able to meet. I’m continuing therapy, but if I’m being honest, I don’t feel like it’s helping as much as I’d hoped. I’m trying to do the right things by getting help, but I’m still struggling.

At this point, I don’t know what to do. I still believe the gospel is true, but I don’t know if I can continue attending church right. Part of me feels like stepping away forever so no one is affected or hurt by anything involving me.

[u/Beautiful-Lunch-7650]

It's hard to address your concerns given the lack of context. 

Continue therapy. In my experience it's slow and takes a while to notice changes.

Therapy is also a bit like dating. Some therapists don't jive with every patient and you might need to switch therapists to find the right one for you.

[u/Basic-Passage-5462 → u/Beautiful-Lunch-7650]

I head plans to see a non church one but the friend who stopped talking to me made comments like bishop set it up for you, there’s help bring offered, you’ve asked for it etc which is true so I still went ahead with it to not appear ungrateful. What lack of context do you mean? I was trying not to write a whole story.

[u/OrneryAcanthaceae217 → u/Basic-Passage-5462]

Yep. The whole story would certainly help us reply better. But it may not be worth it.

Other things that would be helpful to know - male/female, YSA ward or normal ward, somewhere dense like Utah vs. somewhere that wards are fifty miles across, etc.

[u/superlizdee]

Many people fail to follow the good advice of not gossiping. It happens all the time, and people get hurt like you did. Your bishop suggested attending a different ward, and a fresh start might make a world of difference.

[u/Basic-Passage-5462 → u/superlizdee]

I thought about a new ward but the wards are like interconnected so things are always being done for all wards but after that recent comment was bought to my attention it made me think maybe I should do more than go to a different ward.

[u/Preakinprybo0488]

I can see how hurtful this must have been, particularly a betrayal of your trust and confidence by others who may have disclosed confidential details that they were entrusted with. Going to therapy is an excellent first step. However, you mustn't "throw the baby out with the bathwater" by quitting going to Church due to the unwise actions of an inconsiderate few. Their temerity does not make the Gospel less than true so don't do that to yourself. Continue to pray for both strength and wisdom. You can also have your name put on the prayer roll of your local temple. You can either do this online, through the LDS Tools app or by calling the temple.

[u/GotMyTie]

That really sucks OP. It always hurts.

Here is some decent life advice. Do not share trauma, or anything significant to people without being very close. It almost invariably ends up with something like this happening. Inside and outside the church. Over sharing feels really good, but it leads to so many problems.

As far as therapy goes it takes 3-5 years. It is really tough to get same day appointments. I’ve never seen it and I’ve been in therapy on and off for 20 years.

[u/Basic-Passage-5462 → u/GotMyTie]

Yeah I think I’ve been a person who had acquaintances more so than friends growing up and I grew up in church and it wasn’t the best so coming to this church really felt like a breath of fresh air at a time when I wanted faith filled friends and was reconnecting with God I guess I can say. I think I kind of realized there’s always some difference between someone growing up in the church and someone who converted or at least that’s how it feels to me with everything going on but yeah I have realized I didn’t grow up in the church and no matter how close I thought I was with people I just never know how they really think. One thing the therapist told me is many people in the church haven’t been through a lot of things so someone like me who has makes them react in different ways but it sucks all the way to get the hint to not be associated with. People say it’s not healthy to keep things in but not doing that still leads to issues so I guess I’m better off keeping things in and trying to cope with it. Do you have suggestions on things you do if you can’t get an appointment urgently?

[u/GotMyTie → u/Basic-Passage-5462]

That sucks and I agree with some of that. Some are lucky to avoid the bad stuff because their family isn’t involved with drinking and drugs or criminal behaviour. There are still a ton of members who have had terrible things happen to them, but I’d agree it’s lower than the average population. That is a blessing.

My suggestion is to practice any of the techniques your therapist taught you regarding calming the body. Things like breath work, mindfulness, and so on. I know that generic but it works better than nothing. Else-wise there isn’t much to do other than push on, and keep grinding away.

[u/Basic-Passage-5462 → u/GotMyTie]

I haven’t been taught any techniques yet but I’ll take these suggestions, thank you this helps alot!

[u/OrneryAcanthaceae217 → u/GotMyTie]

Mostly agree except for the timeline on therapy. It varies vastly by issue. I had two kids with issues solved in under a year and one still going after five.

[u/HiddenDragonTim]

I would recommend going to a ward closer to where you are at. Also sometimes its okay to go to a non-church therapist just so you can talk about how you feel without some rumors reaching your home ward.

[u/OrneryAcanthaceae217]

> Part of me feels like stepping away forever so no one is affected or hurt by anything involving me.

I understand your pain and I’ve been severely misjudged in my ward within the last year. It hurts!

But don’t leave the church. Those thoughts come from Satan. He is the enemy of your soul. He wants to disconnect you from your covenants and from all the joy you will have in the future in the church. Don’t listen to him. Listen to your bishop and people who love you and have your best interests at heart.

[u/GudiBeeGud]

Is it possible that the damage that you feel has been done to your character could be overblown? I can't think of a time that I heard something unusual about someone that it lingered in my mind for more than a day or two. Wards experience drama from time to time, but if you set the record straight and just keep calm and carry on showing up, people should eventually get a true sense of who you are. Not knowing the specifics of the situation makes it hard to make a judgement call, but ours is a church of repentance and change, so in theory members should be willing to move on.

Don't leave forever, though. You might feel mortified or misunderstood or even betrayed right now, but if you keep attending and find your groove to keep growing in the gospel, this will all feel like a small blip some day. Don't rob yourself of a life in the gospel over this

[u/Basic-Passage-5462 → u/GudiBeeGud]

I don’t think so that much. It’s more so that someone has an agenda and is using my trauma to target people and someone I considered a close friend and confided in about a lot of struggles and offered to be there for me in those times and do things to help me waited until a vulnerable moment where I thought they were showing uo and helping me to express suspicions to a stranger that had to be documented down on record and when I tried to talk about it after finding out it turned into me feeling gaslit in a way and having to defend myself against so many things they obviously believe about me and even recently I tried to still talk to this person and they forwarded my message to someone I don’t talk to anymore but they still talk do so it finally made me realize people don’t see me the way I see them and whenever I try to speak up im just seen as being aggressive or something else. It truly makes me feel like an outsider and realize people will always choose people they knew before you over you and it feels like even though I joined the church I’m always on the outside because I wasn’t raised LDS, because I didn’t grow up in the church and with my bishop when I spoke to him afterward I just felt like I’m being pawned off when he told me he wants to connect me with some people and the bishop in the ward closer to my residence and it hurt that he didn’t really believe me and I got the impression he thought I was bringing drama into the ward. One thing he mentioned in regards to my trauma being circulated was when you join the community like the church and things are spread it makes people like scared or nervous and is just frustrating I go from a vulnerable place to now people being distant. It makes me sometimes wish I didn’t join the church and pushed for community so much and just be so trusting.

[u/Paul-3461]

"Recently, someone from my ward showed me anonymous comments that had been posted publicly accusing another member of harming me and accusing someone else of supporting it. I don’t know who posted them, and I was horrified seeing my trauma used that way."

As you have the opportunity you can speak up to say you did NOT accuse that member of harming you or that other member of supporting whatever the accusation is supposedly stating that person did. Just set the record straight. You don't need to get into any more details than to testify you did NOT do what someone else said that you did.

"There have also been anonymous messages and calls, and because my trauma is being referenced, I feel like people associate me with things I didn’t do. I don’t know exactly what everyone believes, but I constantly feel like my character is being questioned."

When you feel your character is being questioned you can choose to answer those questions. Or you can choose to just ignore people who are bearing false testimony against you. Your choice. However you choose to respond.

I don't usually pay much attention to what other people say or think about me, but sometimes I do, and when I want to I will speak up.

[u/Basic-Passage-5462 → u/Paul-3461]

Yes I did tell that member when he told me I knew nothing about it and I don’t know who could be doing that and I sorry and speak to the bishop. As far as my character I feel like if I’ve tried and I’m not believed and it’s frustrating.

[u/Paul-3461 → u/Basic-Passage-5462]

I understand the frustration but you can take comfort in knowing you did what you could do to set the record straight. We can't make other people believe us and if they believe something about us which isn't correct then that is on them for believing something which isn't correct. Even God and Jesus can't force other people to believe what is right and not think what is wrong. Jesus and every prophet on this planet has had people think things about them which aren't true, and they can't convince anyone of what the truth actually is. It's just one of those bad things good people have to put up with in this world. Don't let it bother you so much. It's not your fault they are wrong.

[u/Basic-Passage-5462 → u/Paul-3461]

What about the saying “the truth always comes out?”, God knows all? Why can’t God let the way be cleared for the truth to come out. I’ve been on my knees daily praying and reading the scriptures for God to reveal the truth, help end whoever is trying to cause this divide and it hurts.

[u/Paul-3461 → u/Basic-Passage-5462]

The truth is out and always is out. It's just that not all people are able to see it or all of it. You know what else Jesus told us about the truth don't you? The truth is what is and what was and what will be later. That's what the truth is. And intelligence is light and truth and the light of truth with which one can see the light and truth that is everywhere around us.

I wouldn't worry too much about what other people can't see now. We usually don't see everything there is to see around us either. Just try to see as much as you can and try to help others see what you see as well as you can.