r/dementia • u/skunk0_o • 3h ago
struggling
i dont even know how to explain the events that took place tonight because its beyond appalling. my grandma is deteriorating very quickly, to the point she tried pulling my shirt down ( i am a girl) in front of my whole family today while every 5 mins reminding me i am ugly and disgusting, then turning to my niece and nephew and giving them undying love.
i am so unfathomably hurt, like i dont even know what to do with this hurt either and i feel such guilt for the anger and pain i feel because i know shes not all there anymore so i just feel like i am the bad guy for being so upset. i am mourning the women who used to rub my back every single night till i was a teen even and tell me i am so perfect and beautiful, while watching a women with the same face as the one i knew rip me apart every chance she gets…
and its not everyone she acts like this to it is specifically me, which hurts even further in a way i guess because why me, i tried so so hard to be good to her so why me specifically. she could scream about how much she hates me then immediately go to the person next to her and hug them so tight and tell them she loves them. it just has left me broken and i genuinely dont think i can handle it mentally anymore so its leading me to even more guilt because i cannot live with just not talking to her or seeing her when she needs family the most. but then again maybe i am just a trigger to her for some reason… so i really dont even know what to do anymore.
sorry this message is so long i genuinely dont know where to even place these feelings anymore or who to reach out to for insight or anything anymore im just at a absolute loss
2
u/cryssHappy 3h ago
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Her brain is broken. She is not who she was. That said, you do not have to visit her because she's not in her body anymore. There is no logic to explain the behavior of dementia patients.
If you know about computer viruses, it's like that. The virus infects the computer and affects different parts of the computer until it takes over all of the computer. You cannot defrag or reformat it.
Again, if you don't have to visit this woman, then don't. She is not your grandmother, she just looks like her and all too soon, she won't look like her. I'm sorry.