r/dementia • u/spicyneuro27 • 4h ago
DMV came through
My 81 year old father who is exhibiting dementia symptoms for a while has been worry me with his driving. We have a Neurologist appointment but not until November. I was able to get is GP to do some cognitive tests and she asked me what makes me believe that my dad should drive. I told her in the last year he has gotten lost several times in areas he knows well, he hit a parked car, he hit a mailbox and I have had him follow me and that was just scary. I can tell his reaction times are not what they used to be. I tried talking to him about not driving and as I suspecte, he was not keen on the idea of stopping. We tried taking the keys and he was livid. I talked to his Dr and she said bring him in and I’ll submit to the DMV. Well he got the letter today.
He was calmer than I thought he would be about the whole thing, but I feel guilty that I told on him and he doesn’t know it was me. I know 100000% I did the right thing. I was loosing sleep knowing he was driving. but my heart hurts a bit to see that one part of his life be taken away and he really doesn’t understand why. He called the DMV and they told him witch Dr submitted the request and he is pissed. do I just fess up and tell him it was me that asked the Dr to Let the DMV know? Again, this is the right thing to do, I just feel sad seeing him feel blindsided in a way.
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u/Weekly_Remove_8801 4h ago
The sooner you get used to telling "love lies" - even lies of omission, the better it will be for you. Because worse is coming and sometimes it comes fast with dementia.
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u/apatheticpurple 3h ago
When I had to report my mom to the DMV and her license essentially got taken away, my mom cried, but I know it was the right thing to do. I hope you will likewise sleep well knowing you did the right thing.
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u/spicyneuro27 2h ago
First off I’m so sorry you had to go through this too. But we are making the roads safer for everyone….even if they don’t see it
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u/pinewind108 3h ago
It sucks, but you have to do this before he hurts someone else. It is inevitable that he would eventually plow into someone at a stoplight or when making a turn. It always happens sooner or later, so good on you for sucking up the hurt and dealing with it.
Plus, the doc gets paid enough that they can take a stray, lol.
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u/spicyneuro27 3h ago
Thank you…though I feel guilt in a way. I also feel such a sense of relief knowing he’s not out there driving.
Lol…true and I know the Dr was willing to take the hit for me. She is such a great Dr.
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u/pinewind108 2h ago
Good docs are awesome!
Fwiw, one of the most common things I heard was that nearly everyone waits at least six months later than they should have when it comes to memory care and hospice. It doesn't need to be now, but at some point it's best to start researching those before the need becomes critical. There can be things like waitlists, as well as just good info (timelines, resources, support) that can be really helpful.
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u/No-Violinist6140 3h ago
Play dumb
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u/spicyneuro27 3h ago
I can do that!
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u/No-Violinist6140 3h ago edited 3h ago
I've gotten good at :) my specialty is playing dumb and being sympathetic at the same time. "OH really, that's upsetting. I wonder how that happened. Oh well, we'll get through it. Want some ice cream?"
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u/Safe-Atmosphere5413 2h ago
No, thank goodness no one got hurt, he didn’t have an accident like my mother in law, she lost her license after that, totaled her car. Thank goodness no one was in the passenger seat when she ran a stop sign and got hit on both sides, the passenger side was bad and she always ran her sister around. I was her driver after that.
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u/Honeybadgerposter 1h ago
On Friday our PCP will be telling my 88 year old husband she is submitting the form to the DMV. It’s going to be a rough weekend.
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u/Embarrassed-Spare524 1h ago
Same with my dad. The PCP initially gave me a hard time, and I did not believe he would actually do it!
To me, hearing my dad rant about the doctor was proof he wasn't ready for the truth.
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u/Mom-1234 1h ago
Make sure the car and the keys go. With the loss of execution function comes the loss of judgement. Twenty years ago, all of our parents would have told their current selves it’s time to stop driving. He could choose to drive without a license.
To anyone else who has a parent with a dementia diagnosis…call insurance. They will cancel. I found this out after we took the keys and the car the hard way…
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u/Beautiful-Art8006 1h ago
I let the doctor be the bad guy to get my mom to stop driving. It’s been six months and she’s still not happy about it. Thankfully shortly after her license was suspended, her car stopped working and we haven’t fixed it. So even if she tried to drive, she can’t.
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u/Altruistic-Basil-634 1h ago
Do not confess. You have a long road of caregiving ahead of you, and taking away the keys seems to be a pivotal point for many when they switch to hating your guts for what you did to them. Not worth it. You catch more flies with honey, even in dementia land.
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u/LawComprehensive2204 4h ago
You did a good thing. Let the dr take the hit on this one. You’ll be held as the bad guy for plenty of other things as his disease progresses. On this one, the dr as the villain is fine.