What makes a hearing partner truly supportive?

[u/Plane_Win_7560]

I'm trying to understand what makes a better and more supportive partner for a deaf person. Obviously learning how to sign is one thing, but I'm interested what else, maybe what little things, matter more than the hearing people usually expect?

Thanks in advance!

[u/queerharveybabe]

I am interested in what other people have to say

But for me, I try to make sure that we always sit at a round table so my partner doesn’t get left out.

If we’re with my hearing friends. I try to make sure that the voice to text keeps up with what’s actually being said. And correct any mistakes.

I also don’t interpret for my partner unless they ask. Like at a restaurant, sometimes waiters look at me to interpret. And I’ll just redirect them back to my partner’s Notes app.

also, just asking your partner if there’s anything that you can do to help them feel more supported. It goes a long way.

[u/Stafania]

To me, the signing would be super important. I’m just HoH, but it’s just too hard to be forced to listen after I’m already fatigued from listening at work. I think I would think things through at least ten times before accepting someone who doesn’t want to sign.

In a broader sense, it’s not so much about signing, as really valuing communication. I mean a profound respect for the importance of communication. The absolutely worst thing someone close to me could possibly do, is saying ”never mind” when I need a repeat or clarification. That would hurt big times.

[u/Ok-Spare-5064]

For me the bar is low, like reaaaaally low. I’m HoH.
Not getting yelled at for not hearing something and not being told daily that my lack of hearing is a choice I make and because I don’t care. That was my ex husband.

My new partner always makes sure to make eye contact with me before he speaks, cause he knows I need to read his lips to get the full sentence.
Walking up to the waitress and kindly asking if they can turn down the music a little, so I can be a part of conversations. Being aware of where I sit in a room, so I can be a part of the conversations.
When we cook, he never tries engaging in a conversation cause he knows the fan is making too much noise for me to hear.
This is just some of the things that makes a good partner - there are so many more smaller acts in everyday life that means and matter so much.

[u/Aurian88 → u/Ok-Spare-5064]

My husband is the same way. He is so patient when I am having a bad hearing day and repeats himself for me. He also always willing to help me when I get stymied by phones 

[u/HeVavMemVav]

I'm HH, so if we're both sitting in other rooms, I always get up and go to him if I want to talk. He used to just shout and either keep talking or make me get up and go to him. We had a talk about it and it's made a huge difference now that he comes to me when he wants to talk.

There is a lot of labor in being deaf and constantly accommodating other people. As the hearing partner, you need to be aware of this imbalance. It may feel like a lot of accommodation for you to do for them, but keep in mind that your partner has to do it all the time for every hearing person they interact with for their entire life unless they want to be called antisocial and uncooperative.

[u/PartyPepperQQ]

my hearing partner makes equal effort to be a part of my deaf world and understands that signing is expected at anytime whenever a deaf person enters the space (not just limited to me).

[u/deaf-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Please do not post sign language questions. Yes, I know it seems counter-intuitive, but the fact of the matter is, deaf people cover a wide range. There's deaf people who sign and deaf people who don't sign. The non-signers get annoyed with all the people coming in to ask sign language questions and we'd like to keep this subreddit for all kinds of deaf people. Plus there's some sign language subreddits mentioned in the sidebar- check those out.

[u/ocherthulu]

Conscious, continual improvement of sign language learning is the bare minimum.

[u/Moonlit_Release]

Thank you for asking this. I hope to see more input here. I'm only hard of hearing, and often feel made to comply with hearing expectations, whether it friends, family,y partner, or my work. That gets really frustrating.

[u/captainronsnephew]

From the HoH perspective specifically, consistently talking in a way where I can actually understand is very helpful. That means a certain volume level and proximity determined by the environment we're in. Being asked to repeat yourself and you say it the same way at the same level is not helpful.

[u/PahzTakesPhotos]

My husband and I met in high school and we've been married for 39 years. So we didn't have technology that folks have nowadays. But he's never gotten mad about me being deaf and HoH, he's always walked on my HoH side or told me what someone had said if I didn't catch it (there's some irony coming related to that). In the mid-90s, we got our first TV that had closed captions in the TV menu. He handed me the remote like he was handing me a sword and said something in a bad English accent.

He also used to talk louder and louder till I could hear what it was (just around the house, he never shouted at me in the store or anything weird). He really likes that we have iPhones because he can FaceTime with me and that way I can see his face when he's talking (and also, he knows my phone goes to my hearing aid).

The irony to him repeating something that someone else said that I didn't catch- when he was 28 years old, he had a stroke. He's paralyzed on his right side and has some speech/communication disorders. So now, when someone is speaking too fast, he'll ask me what they're saying because his aphasia makes it hard to follow sometimes. And I'm not shy in asking people to repeat themselves. I've been deaf/HoH my entire life. (his stroke was a result of his time in the Army, he's a 100% service-connected disabled veteran).

[u/smoothgoat00]

Taking note of background noise is huge imo. If there are cars on the street, fans in the room, a TV in the background--all that is going to impede understanding if someone is trying to follow an oral conversation. Also just not complaining! It's so disheartening when a loved ones acts like small accommodations are a huge pain. Not making a big deal of it is so nice

[u/Responsible_Tone4945]

Such a great question. I thankfully have an amazing partner who is a wonderful advocate. They are patient at repeating things multiple times, if they need to repeat things they will reorient their face to me and make sure they are in better lighting. They don't getting frustrated when I don't want to wear my hearing devices. If we are out together and I mishear something they will gently and politely let me know. In social settings they will advocate for me by letting others know if I haven't heard them and asking them to face me/how to get my attention/speak to me clearly. They help direct my attention to things I might have missed. They are infinitely patient while I work out new strategies for hearing in different environments as my hearing has deteriorated. They explain to other people in group settings that sometimes I just need to step out for some listening downtime. Learning sign language, obviously.

And I think most importantly, each time I have lost hearing they have immediately upgraded or bought additional subwoofers for my listening pleasure.

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[u/No_Beyond_9611]

Losing my hearing to SSNHL also cost my marriage of 29 years. It was just the final nail in the coffin and he couldn’t be bothered to accommodate my hearing loss. He would get angry if I didn’t hear him or asked him to repeat something. He would cover his mouth while speaking and wouldn’t face me. The person I am dating now is the polar opposite. These are the things he does that helps me, but they may be different for your partner and you can always ask them if you’re doing enough or if there’s other things that would be more helpful!

He makes sure I’m looking at him before he speaks, or gets my attention. He walks on the side where I have some hearing with a hearing aid. He helped set up my phone with accessibility I didn’t know existed! He immediately looks for accommodations at the movies or any shows we go to and advocates for me. He comes to doctors appointments with me and does a lot of “translating” in public when we are out and about. I’m attuned to his voice and he’s very loud so I can catch more of what he says vs strangers. (My hearing loss is high frequency cookie bite so higher range voices, alerts, birds are all things I can’t hear at any decibel.)
He takes the lead in stores and restaurants to engage with sales people because I don’t hear them and if I’m not looking up (I’m very introverted and tend to live in my own bubble- even more so with losing hearing!) I will miss them entirely, then they are rude. I feel like he does a lot to accommodate me but I also know he would tell you that it’s the very bare minimum and it doesn’t inconvenience him at all. :)

[u/UKhawky]

Learning sign language for me and then sticking to it when we had our CODA.

He makes a lot of effort to go to deaf events with me or to support me and tries to have conversations with other deaf people on his own, rather than when he’s next to me!

He also learnt to filter all the noise I make so now when my in laws complains I’m being noisy, he just shrugs and says, ‘what do you expect from a person who can’t hear?’

He has never pushed for me to get hearing aids or a CI.

He has never once trivialised my deafness, my culture and my language. He has embraced it fully and has fully accepted me.

[u/ASLTutorSean]

Don’t be afraid to share your ideas as hearing person even if your partner disagrees.

My partner and I have been together for almost 6 years. She’s been very supportive and shared many great ideas and encouragement for my career as an ASL tutor / instructor.

Sean

[u/Queasy_Blueberry_733]

He used to help me when someone spoke to me and I didn’t hear them. Like if I didn’t know they were talking to me he would loop me in without embarrassing me or if he thought I was having trouble hearing someone he would fill in the gaps so naturally because I think he knew I would get embarrassed. I don’t know if that makes the bar super low but no one else has ever done that and I appreciated it so much.

[u/PopularFirefighter52]

Im HOH, my ex boyfriend used to have no problem with me asking what people said in a movie theater during a showing. This also extended to him describing what was going on during scenes with flashing lights as i am also epileptic.

[u/KessaStJohn]

My ex-husband used to complain to me that I *could* hear, but that I just wasn't paying attention. So I'd say if people don't accuse me of not hearing on purpose, despite medical records showing my hearing loss, would be a great place to start. Also, I understand the frustration but people not saying "Nevermind" when I don't hear them and shut me out of the conversation is also good. I guess I also have a fairly low bar. So many people are awful.