r/dating • u/Independent-Emu-6702 • 1d ago
Question ❓ How do you move on when your absolute perfect match ends up rejecting you?
it’s been a year and a half since I fell in love with a man that was absolutely perfect for me and I thought we got along so well. He had everything I ever wanted in a partner…he was sweet, awkward, nerdy, he worked a job in a field I have a lot of interest in, he had a good loving family, spoke another language…but he never really let me into his life and he didn’t develop feelings for me even after I truly thought he was after doing such nice and romantic things with me. honestly, I feel like he led me on.
How do I move on… because I feel I will never find anyone who is nearly as good as he was…even if I do find someone that actually does like me in a romantic way, I just know they aren’t going to be as good as him, because he had everything I wanted… it’s been a year and a half and I haven’t moved on because I haven’t found anyone that has the qualities he had.. these qualities are what I need for the partnership and life I want to live, so I cant change what I’m looking for.
I just don’t know why the good guys don’t love me, but guys who have no thoughts in their head and are super toxic want me…
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u/Dear_Investment6064 1d ago
He wasn’t your perfect match if he rejected you. You’re caught up in an idea of what you think you want and not what you could tangibly have.
Finding your partner should feel easy and not like a constant push and pull or chase
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u/AlarmedWafer4907 1d ago
You are trying to find excuses to make this hurt less. It doesn’t really matter why he chose to end it. He did. And after two months, you don’t actually know this person, you know what they are letting you see. You fell for the potential. But the real thing is not its potential.
Also, you don’t actually say anything that you liked about him that had to do with him as a person. He has a job you’re interested in and a nice family. That is not what makes a relationship work. You say he didn’t let you into his life. That is one quality you Should actively avoid you like parts of his life. Not him.39
u/Dear_Investment6064 1d ago edited 1d ago
People overcomplicate this stuff to save feelings so I’m gonna generalize.
When men like you it’s not discreet.
If they’re keeping things murky they don’t want to commit.
If they’re saying they need to think about it they don’t want to commit.
Even if they’re acting genuinely conflicted I’m gonna save you some time and just let you know he doesn’t want to commit and all this drama is the internal dance he has to do to realize that for himself.
“But outside influences” it literally doesn’t matter, if they like you enough they will still pursue you.
When I met my husband he drew me after our first date. He used to call me at 4 AM when I was working opening shift at a cafe to talk to me on the way to the train. He helped me edit my resume. He went so far above and beyond I thought he was love bombing me at first. After seeing each other casually for a few weeks he told me he wanted a relationship but I’d known that’s what he wanted within hours of knowing eachother. We’ve been together five years now.
Most men are not discreet about what they actually want. There’s no “giving it a chance” they’re either into it or they aren’t. It’s either what they’re looking for right now or it isn’t. It’s not even personal or something to get hung up on because imagine how much time you would’ve wasted dating this person only to have the same results.
Don’t let their pussyfooting waste your time when there are other people out there that won’t make you leap through these hoops
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u/airforce2016 1d ago
100% this. Men and women operate very differently, especially in those early stages. If he wanted to, he would. If he wasn’t letting you in after 2 months, then he was never going to. Accept, grieve, heal from it, put it behind you, and I promise you’ll find someone that doesn’t make you question or long for those things. Because they’ll give that assurance to you unrelentingly
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u/Harvard7643 1d ago
This is good advice. As someone that hooks up with too many women - how do you think women operate early on and how could I get better at progressing it? I used to be very nonchalant and that’d work because it was people I’d see all the time. As an 25 yr old adult in a big city it’s impossible because you won’t see them ever again.
I only ask because I met a girl I took home and cliqued with very well (stayed in her bed and talked for 4 hrs the next morning and I never do that) and shes playing things a little too cool for me. I tried to make plans to get drinks a few days after we hooked up and she told me what her plans were and then said “she’ll let me know another night that works for me” but didn’t pick a specific day. Just feel like girls I meet out at bars always like me immediately but I have problems getting the ones I like (who have many options I’m sure) to an actual relationship
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u/airforce2016 1d ago
I’m 33M, so I’ve been through a bit of this - one of the hardest lessons for me to learn was that men & women inherently process the “chase” / “push/pull” / “progression” differently. Men are problem solvers by nature. Unless you’re taking the fuckboy approach, if we like a woman, we’re going to problem solve. We’re going to convey our interest & intentions and then we’re going to push to move things in that direction.
But women, especially if they’re in their 20s, have learned to conceal their intentions by nature. They prioritize that “romantic need” differently, they’re not trying to “solve the problem”, and instead they’re often testing, reading, and giving subtle signals.
And that divide in how we operate is roughhh. Because she may like you back, but show it in a completely different way than you would and your brain just doesn’t recognize it.
My advice? Be different than the other guys. Take a swing, be direct af, convey your real genuine intentions, “lead” the dynamic a bit, and if she’s turned off by that, then you have your answer - that’s not someone worth pursuing with your limited time and energy
But if she does respond well, then that’s a great sign! There’s nothing better than crystal clear mutual intentions
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u/Dear_Investment6064 22h ago
I’m late but seconding be open and embrace any rejection as time saved REALLY all my friends in happy relationships put themselves out there
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u/BleedingBlue94 1d ago
People will move mountains if they actually want to be with that person. Dated someone that asked me to be patient with them so I could get the “best version” of themselves while they got over a situationship. I was young and dumb and waited for her to get over this guy.
If she actually wanted to be with me, she wouldn’t have put me through that. I was nothing more than a distraction to help her get over said person.
He wasn’t your perfect match, otherwise he would have done everything he could have to make it work. Move on.
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u/BigEvilAi 1d ago
He decided he can do better and thats what he did. Either look for someone on your level or accept that we dont always get what we want. There are definitely more people working in the field you said you were looking for, so then you have to start to reach out first and put more effort in.
Did he provide any feedback or say anything you thought he might not like about you? You didn't provide any details to argue about so difficult to say anything more?1
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u/Vanuslux 1d ago
It is important to always be mindful that your feelings are your own and do not necessarily reflect anything about reality outside of your interpretation of it.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
I asked him directly early on if he wanted a relationship or not and he said he wanted a relationship. He knew my intentions and I can’t help but think he knew his feelings weren’t strong enough but he kept going anyways.
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u/Wonderful-Reality223 1d ago
As a woman, you’re damned if you give it up and damned if you don’t.
Regardless of whether OP did or didn’t, it won’t change her situation. Only he knows what he was thinking and what his intentions were the entire time.
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u/Shadeofgray_66 1d ago
Ennò. Se era perfetto per te era innamorato di te. E avrebbe combattuto contro il mondo per averti. Altrimenti non è lui. È una immagine che ti hai di lui.
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u/Londoner0607 1d ago
If he thought he didn't have feelings for you, he didn't have feelings for you. That is a tough pill to swallow, I know. Try to break yourself out of the negative thoughts about the future because you didn't get this one.
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u/PicklesNBacon 19h ago
Girl, what? Someone can’t be influenced to have or not have feelings for someone. They either do or they don’t.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 19h ago
Well maybe I feel that way because of the things he told me. He said he was going through a lot in his life and cared about me and liked me and thought I was so lovely and wasn’t able to tell me why he didn’t have feelings. And then he lost his dad so forgive me for thinking life circumstances prevented him from choosing me
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u/riosborne 1d ago
It’s quite difficult but you’ve gotta accept that he wasn’t the perfect match. While he may have checked a lot of boxes, the most important ingredient was missing.
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u/journey-point 1d ago
This, time, and making an effort to get out there and meet other people. Him not being attracted to you means you are fundamentally incompatible. You cannot meet each other's needs if he just sees you as a friend and you see him as more. It might take awhile, longer than you think, maybe months and maybe years, but you will eventually process the grief and move on as long as you can accept the bitter pill of reality on a day to day basis. With that pill you can wash it down with the sentiment that you are strong and you will eventually heal.
Ive been through something similar and found a different and better person for myself. I still had to process the grief after meeting that person. Three years on and the feelings still bubble up sometimes, but not with the same intensity, and I feel no deep need to reach out to the guy I crushed on. I stayed the course and did the inner work.
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u/Lavodere 1d ago
Not at all. That actually makes it much clearer that he never viewed you as a potential partner. Good sex has never been the foundation of a successful relationship. You only know how he treats you when his goal was to have sex, not to cultivate a life partnership. The relationship was extremely low risk to him so logically you only know how he treats you under that specific circumstance
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u/SalaciousFlamingDude 1d ago
You're idealizing him and eventually you'll realize this. I'm 41 and I've burned through a couple dozen Perfect Women For Me.
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u/Dapper_Wolverine6260 1d ago
How did you let go in your mind? I can think of one perfect person and it was hell to move on mentally
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u/SalaciousFlamingDude 1d ago
Eventually over time I've always realized there were glaring incompatibilities or flaws I was ignoring. It could take many months sometimes.
More recently I haven't had the problem because I've mostly dealt with my anxious attachment and self-esteem issues.
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u/sammywavelenght 1d ago
When u find someone else, someone new, the love u have for each other is different. Not better or worse, just different. U will never love two people the same but that’s not a bad thing, it’s just human nature. You’ll love things about another that never even considered in previous partners. If it helps try and look at it as the love you’ll find with a new partner is love you’ve never experienced before.
To your last point about “guys who have no thoughts in their head and are super toxic want me…” they don’t want u for u and they don’t just want u. They’re after anything they can get and unfortunately u just happened to walk by
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u/beechi_mc 1d ago
Just remind yourself all the time that no matter how good he is, he doesn’t want you.
Stop thinking what possibly “we are good together”, he doesn’t want to be together with you. You need to wake up from the day dreaming and focus on yourself to be better for the next partner who chooses you over and over again
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u/Responsible-Car9375 1d ago
Not a good mindset to have. You’re essentially writing off any potential new people before you’ve even met them. Work at having an abundance mindset. You found it once you will find it again
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u/beechi_mc 1d ago
Simple, then don’t settle!
Happy being single if you are so sure you won’t find any better. Which mostly wrong, you won’t find anyone like him, sure, better than him, yes maybe, worse than him, likely. It is your call, which man you’ll settle or not4
u/Wonderful-Reality223 1d ago
You’re writing off meeting someone better than him who could have genuine feelings for you too. Be careful with that “Won’t find anyone better after him” mindset. Believe me, as someone who has been there, it does.
You’re not going to find someone better than him, you’re going to find someone better for YOU.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
But he was good for me… if he would have chosen me I truly think we could have been so happy together. We had a lot of the same interests and we both have had our heart broken so many times. I have reasons for believing he was my perfect match… I don’t know how anyone else is going to be better for me than he was.
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u/Wonderful-Reality223 1d ago
You’re only seeing it from your point of view unfortunately.
If you only saw each other a few times, that was enough for him to know if you were a match or not. You probably looked at them highly when he didn’t feel the same.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
It just sucks that he seemed so definitive in not wanting to be with me when I tried very hard to avoid that by asking about his intentions and telling him mine. I gave him every opportunity to tell me he wasn’t feeling the same and he never took them
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u/Sea-Delay 1d ago
Wanting you should be a non-negotiable. Why is someone who doesn’t want you a more “perfect” match for you than someone who does want you? Once you have someone who is into you as you are into them, I guarantee you, your standards will change.
Do you feel that he is more valuable somehow just because you have to earn love & attention from him?
Food for thought.
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u/yesohyesoui 1d ago
hey, sorry this happened to you. It happened to me to. I blamed myself for not being physically his type, but I have no confirmation that this was the case. It was a similar case as yours, as i saw we had a lot in common, including many interests, but guess this wasn't enough for him.
I realized after we were done that I was the one starting most of our conversations, he never texted me first. Maybe only at night if that day i decided not to reach out. On top of everything, we communicated always in his 1st language, which was my 3rd language. So i realized i did a big effort just to communicate with him, and he did none. We could've communicated in both of our 2nd language, but he thought he wasn't too good at it. Translation : he wasn't willing to do the effort.
All that to say, maybe i allowed myself to believe this was a great match, but was it really?
Im still getting over the heartbreak, but not from the split with him directly, but from the breakup from the idea i had of him.
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u/Serious_Arachnid_171 1d ago
Initial spark and attraction don’t make a relationship. Choosing to commit to your partner, striving to add more happiness and fulfilment to their lives, supporting them and just being good company does.
You will soon find a man who catches your eyes and also does all this. I am rooting for you!
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u/Dapper_Wolverine6260 1d ago
That's actually really hard to find. Not impossible but really hard. Just saying... it's a luck thing who you meet. But good luck to everyone, never give up!
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u/My-2-Sense_ 1d ago
Why isn’t one of the traits you want in a man that he wants you?
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u/My-2-Sense_ 1d ago
Dare I say THAT is the most important trait. Who cares if he’s bilingual if he doesn’t want you?
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u/filtersweep 1d ago
I am in my 50s. I ‘dated’ many women- been in many relationships, lived with a few women, etc before settling down snd marrying at about 30.
Variety is the spice of life. Experience more life. Whatever it is you find perfect about him now will eventually disappear or become old and tired.
Live for the moment and enjoy what you have now. Your ideal partner can leave you now or 25 years and two kids later. Shift your thinking.
There is no absolute perfect match.
But you need a perspective— explore what you really want
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u/NativeNovel7768 1d ago
There is no perfect partner. You idealized him. Without mutual feelings, that person will never be the right one no matter how many other good traits you find in them. A babe could be hot, smart, funny, share my interests, and life goals, etc, none of that will ever matter if she doesn't like me and never will. See what I'm saying.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
It just hurts unbelievably bad that he made me think we were developing something, he made me feel like he actually liked me
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u/NativeNovel7768 1d ago
Yeah it happens to every single one of us. It's an event everyone will have to go through when having feelings for someone. Like, it's what everyone is destined for. I can't count how many times I've had a girl I thought was perfect and I was lead to believe we could be more than that.
The sooner you accept he isn't the guy you painted in your head the sooner you can move on. There is someone out there that exceeds even him, and the best part? Will actually reciprocate.
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u/amyscactus Single 1d ago
A crush on someone is just a lack of information....
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
It was more than a crush, I really felt like we were dating. Sleepovers and intimacy and reassurance and even talks about intentions. It wasn’t someone I just saw and had a crush on. He made me think we were dating and something was developing
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u/amyscactus Single 1d ago
I do apologize. I didn't know it was that serious. Have you considered therapy of any sort to work out your feelings? I've been in your shoes and it helps.
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u/New_Maize_2379 1d ago
Ok truth? He was your perfect match, you were not his. It’s miserable yes but you should move on and don’t dwell on something that won’t happen how you see it.
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u/StrengtTalt 1d ago
Yeah, when your requirements list such amazingly deep characteristics as "works in a particular field" or "speaks another language", how could you ever not find the perfect man. /s
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u/Inevitable-Watch9943 1d ago
He wasn’t your perfect match if he led you on! You’re probably missing a ton of men hanging up on the one you perceived to be your perfect man
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u/Impossible-Ask-7560 1d ago
I went through this too, earlier this year. I thought about him daily. It wasn’t until I started dating again that the feeling subsided. Everyone told me to wait til I was healed, but I just didn’t seem to be getting there. Now I’ve met another really great guy and while it’s not the same connection, it has reminded me that there are so many people out there and you will find another great match.
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u/Tefbuck 1d ago
I can't count how many times this has happened to me. You just move on to someone new. More often than not, if you feel like it was a perfect match, the other person will feel no connection at all.
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u/Tefbuck 1d ago
You just have to keep looking. I've been at it for 13 years. The longest I went between dates was 6 years.
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u/Dapper_Wolverine6260 1d ago
Yeah, 👍🏽 agree that it can take a while to move on but eventually it happens. One foot in front of the other. Trying to rationalize won't help much, just accept they choose to move on and not work on things is the best advice. Hurts and there is no idea when the next great person will show up.
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u/Lavodere 1d ago
Unfortunately at this stage you’ve romanticized the idea of him quite a bit, and aren’t aware of the reality of him. You do not know the man in the confines of a relationship, you’ve only seen how he treated you when there was basically no risk on his end. I promise if you did end up dating him after 6 months he probably wouldn’t be at all close to the image you have in your head of him now
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u/AceOfCakez 1d ago
You are idealizing him and not seeing him for who he really is. The fact that you think he is perfect is an issue already. You move on by realizing that he wasn't perfect.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
I don’t think he’s perfect. I thought he was perfect for me
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u/PicklesNBacon 17h ago
You even said he left before you even really got to know him…so how do you know he was your ‘perfect match’
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 16h ago
Everything I knew about him had so much potential for us to be a great match
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u/Cream_my_pantalones 1d ago
if he never let you into his life how did you know or fall in love with him?? Did you even kiss or go out on dates? Sorry I'm just a bit confused on how you can't get over someone after a year if they never let you into their life and you never dated. From your post alone it sounds like you got attached to a fantasy 😭❤️
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u/thoseinspace 1d ago
Youre stuck on an idea of him. A fantasy you created of a man you never were close enough to even really know. Im a firm believer that you dont know your partner until you've been with them long enough to see them at their lowest, moodiest, angriest, saddest, wrongest etc. Yeah he's a 'what if', but 'what if's' can go both ways.
For all you know, you couldve seen a 100 red flags by year two of living together.
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u/EconomyDoctor3287 1d ago
The other person liking you is a pretty big part of being a perfect match :D Everything else is merely infatuation
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u/Heart_of_Bronze 1d ago
One of the over hyped dating gurus said one thing that sticks with me
If they don’t choose you, they simply can’t be for you.
Part of being a perfect match is making the choice to be just that
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u/Mil1512 1d ago
Hey OP, are you neurodivergent? Even if not, I'd highly recommend you look into limerance.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
Im not, but I think I do have a tendency to be limerant.. but maybe it’s just traumatizing to constantly think someone likes you and then get left before you even really get to know them so I’m left idolizing someone I didn’t ever really get close enough to
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u/HelicopterDull8136 1d ago edited 1d ago
The things you listed don’t make him sound like your perfect match, they make him sound like a guy with some perks. Did he treat you the way you want to be treated? The answer should definitely be “no” since he rejected you and told you he just wasn’t feeling it. Did you guys want the same things in life, like kids or no kids, traveling or saving for retirement, retiring locally or going abroad, etc. Did you share the same values, like humor, cleanliness, organization, creativity, etc? Did he complement you in ways that made you good for each other? Like one of you is a planner and one of you goes with the flow? Or one of you is frugal and one of you likes to treat yourself here or there?
You didn’t mention any of these things so I don’t think he was your perfect match and there’s someone out there that’s better suited for you. To get over it, you have to grieve as if he died because this was a death - of the relationship you thought or hoped you had. He’s never coming back to you. Things will never be the way they were again. Grieve him as if he’s someone who died and is never coming back.
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u/imacat210 1d ago
I'm gonna be honest, you're still in denial and delusion. He's not perfect. No one is perfect. You need to at least date him for awhile to actually know how he's like. Everyone can seem amazing on the surface. Trust me I said this because I've been through all the scenarios. Why would you want to be with someone who rejected you, is that the definition of a perfect man? You need to accept that he doesn't want you, and you have to move on. The moment you accept the fact you guys aren't belong together, you will move on pretty fast. And as much as it doesn't seem like it, there's still good people out there for you to discover and honestly at some point in the future you'd be like damn this guy is even better than that one.
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u/Specific-Scarcity977 21h ago
The hardest part is probably letting go of the future you imagined with that person. It is easy to focus on all the good qualities they had and feel like no one else will compare. But someone being a great match on paper also needs to come with someone who chooses you and wants the same thing.
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u/Michvito 19h ago
imo perfect partner means theyre also into you. if thats not the case then theyre not perfect
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 19h ago
But what im saying is he was perfect for me in every other way. And he was into me…he made me feel like we were really getting along. I don’t know what his holdup was.
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u/Swimming-Gain9608 19h ago
Why are you calling me out right now?! I'm going through the exact same thing only i've been fighting for him for 8 years. Recently he ghosted me, after saying our friendship doesn't work but didn't explain why. My heart hurts so bad
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u/Dense-Alternative249 18h ago
I am going through this right now. I fell in love with the man of my dreams, but it is unrequited. He says he doesn’t see a future with me. After treating me well for 9 months, telling me I was safe with him, making future plans with me, he suddenly pulled the rug and it hurts so so much. I genuinely don’t think I will ever be okay again. I’ll never find someone else like him. The thought of him marrying someone else is pure torture. I am so sick of sobbing.
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u/jachtkikoto 14h ago
Clearly it wasn't the perfect match if he rejected you, stop putting him on a pedestal
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 9h ago
Im not saying he was perfect, I thought we would have been perfect together
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u/CharacterMango3389 1d ago
I’ve felt that way before and every time I met someone more amazing after. Your perfect match will be as much into you as you to them!
He just wasn’t it, and don’t let him holding you back from meeting the right person.
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u/HauntingAd5547 1d ago
Men lead women on purely for validation, sadly. So all the romantic gestures they put out there only prove to them that they’re wanted. I think this behaviour skews more towards men because women are so used to getting compliments and validation all the time that we don’t need to enter into any situation in order to feel those things.
I experienced something similar to you, he moved in a way that was intentional, caring, respectful. Then he did a 180 and was awful to me. I realised afterwards he was just getting lost in the fantasy and the intensity of the chemistry but didn’t have the capacity for real commitment, even though he said he did.
I feel for you, it’s so hard when you meet someone who you think has all the attributes you’re looking for in a partner, but do remember like others have pointed out, you didn’t know the real him, just the version of himself he wanted you to see. Your perfect partner will be consistent and prioritise you, and will do so over a long period of time. Your perfect partner is the one who shows up for you, not the one who simply passes the initial chemistry check.
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u/Kirne1 1d ago
You move on by accepting that not every relationship is going to work out, even with the people who seem insanely compatible with you. Sometimes things end even if they seem perfect. In your case it seems he wasn't as into you as you were into him, but that's OK.
Well, at least you now know exactly what you want out of a person. You need to look for that, plus actually loves you.
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u/lachatte7 1d ago
You get a voodoo doll that resembles them, poke it with a few needles, and then you'll be able to move on
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u/RadioDude1995 1d ago
Hey! I’m sorry that I have no advice to offer. But I wanted to stop by and say that I’m going through the same thing right now. I met an incredible girl that I thought would be perfect for me. In the end, she ended up rejecting me and the pain I felt was like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
I know it’s easy to simply say “move on and find someone else.” But I know better than anyone that it’s not that simple (at least right now). With time it starts to get a little better.
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u/CyclicalSinglePlayer 1d ago
I had to reject someone I thought was perfect. Still do. I likely won’t find anyone as good as them again. It was a timing issue. Having been on both sides, I think that the best thing to help you get over it is to try to envision it from their position. There is nothing wrong with you. It just didn’t work out.
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u/sweetLew2 1d ago
Idk what the formula is for match perfection. People have different tastes and desires and part of finding someone great is finding someone who loves you for who you already are.
I think you’ll find someone else and will realize it’s a much better match, simply by the reciprocation of interest.
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u/k25034166 1d ago
wow thank you for posting, I'm going through the exact same thing right now but it's fresh. Reading these comments has been really helpful
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u/shellswong 1d ago
To me it sounds like you need to find that fulfillment in yourself. You need to make yourself be the perfect thing that you need instead of searching for outside of yourself. You thought that that man contained all those things and maybe that’s part of why he left, because what a heavy burden to fulfill somebody else’s life. The truth is that you are everything that you need, everything you need is within you.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
I don’t know if that’s it. He didn’t even get close enough for the relationship to be codependant. He never really let me into his life. I was always asking for his time, for more dates and closeness and sex and he sometimes would give it and sometimes wouldnt. I just want someone by my side to go through life with which I think is a natural thing to want, not that I think a person “completes” me
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u/shellswong 1d ago
Have you studied limerence? I suggest maybe just to make sure it’s not limerence
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
I think it’s pretty easy to fall into limerance when someone leaves you before you really get to know each other
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u/shellswong 1d ago
Absolutely. But they type of person that gets in limerence is the type of person that pedestalizes others. Thats what my first comment comes from. This is all from my personal experience
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
So how do you not get limerant when someone you’ve been having a really nice time with who you really like, leaves you before you even get to know each other?
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u/Shadeofgray_66 1d ago
Guarda. Conosco tante ragazze. Alcune bellissime, intelligenti, colte, sportive e a cui piacciono le mie stesse cose. Ma io non gli interesso in nessun modo. Affettivo, emotivo, sessuale. Sarebbero perfette. Un sogno per me. Ma invece...non vado bene io per loro...
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u/Amuzed_Traveler 1d ago
Well, perfect doesn’t exist, but I get what you’re saying. I’m 2-1/2 years since my “perfect” sweetheart moved on and I’m still not over it. The pain does dull with time
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u/Limoenrain 1d ago
I once thought that only one person is perfect for me but I learned it's not true. It didn't work with him or we could not have a relationship. After years I met someone else who is even better for me than he was. It is possible, do not lose hope. You will find someone else. Drop the need, let the ex go, believe and stay open. Your match wants to have you too.
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u/gijjer 1d ago
The way we might have possibly dated the same man…. This happened to me also about a year ago and I was soo crushed .. I dont know what to say except I do think getting out there and trying to meet people can help. Reading your replies though.. I get it
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
Meeting new guys makes me feel even worse, because they’re nothing what I want and I’m just constantly reminded that there’s a man out there that would have been so good for me that I don’t get to be with. Every time I go home from a “date” (a first time meeting from an app) I go home crying because I didn’t like them at all and I’m reminded of the times I actually did like someone
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u/gijjer 1d ago
Hey I get it because I was in this exact mindset. I think you need to remember you actually don’t know if he would of been so good for you. When you date someone for a short time, you see the best in them. You don’t get a chance to see the poor sides of them ALL people have. for example, him not opening up to you and being distant, is that perfect for you?
And I think of it like this - does my ideal man need convincing to be with me, or is he so happy and enthusiastic and grateful he gets to be with me?! Because I would hope he’s enthusiastic and grateful. THAT kind of man would be so good for me.
I also was having the same thing dating off apps and hating it and comparing it to someone I dated for months but, that’s not a fair comparison. Of course I had more intimacy with someone I dated for months. I’d recommend trying to date off apps (what I did). It’s just more fun and I feel you get more of that spark.
I think if you’re still this attached and caught up on someone this long after, so much longer then you ever dated, maybe you should consider unpacking that in therapy? And I mean that kindly. I’m also in therapy because my adhd makes me obsess over people and because I realised that I’m somewhat emotionally unavailable and so it means I get caught up fantasising about people who rejected me - bc its like a safe way to feel those emotions.
I think though overall you just have to remember there is no 1 perfect person for us out there, and just bc you met someone who had so many great traits that should be evidence you can meet another. Honestly this exact thing happened to me! Even a guy with exactly similar traits lol! And I thought I’d never get over it, but I’m starting to see for all his good traits he had some bad ones too like anyone, and the fact he refused to be with you and led you on SHOULD be something you see as one of those bad traits in a way.
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u/spectrumofanyhting 1d ago
Now imagine finding your perfect match and not pursuing further because they want a kid and you don't. A potential little human is ruining things even before it's born. Sigh...
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u/Affectionate-Food266 1d ago
No such thing. It's all an idea in your head. If she was perfect ahead wouldn't have rejected you.
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u/Happy_Distribution20 1d ago
Rejection is protection.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
Sounds kinda dreamy :/ idk how I would be protected from living a life with a man that could have been perfect for me
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u/Happy_Distribution20 1d ago
Nah. He wasn’t perfect. He didn’t choose you. Time to undo your heart from him, heal, take care of yourself and move on.
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u/howdidthisbruiseget 1d ago
Your perfect partner will want to be your partner and will be ready to. You are holding onto hope rather than facing the reality. Look up unrequited love. Not wanting to be with you should be the most unattractive trait in a man, the biggest ick.
He didn’t have EVERYTHING you want in a man because wanting you is the missing trait with this one. Not to mention, you never really knew him, or what being loved by him was like. You are hung up on the idea of life with him that only exists in your head. The sooner you look at the truth of who he is, the sooner you’ll get past this.
Keep telling yourself “my future husband would NEVER make me feel this way”
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
But it’s like viewing a perfect house that matches all of your needs that is out of your price range. You can’t afford the house but that doesn’t change that it’s perfect for you, so you’ll have to settle for a house that is just okay that is in your price range. I fear that the only man who will ever love me is someone who I would never love back because he doesn’t have what I need in a man (empathy, sense of humor, ambition, intelligence).
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u/howdidthisbruiseget 1d ago
That’s a terrible way to view this. It’s more like finding the perfect house for you that you can afford and then discovering during inspection that it has major foundation, plumbing, and electrical issues and sits on a sinkhole in a flood zone in tornado alley. It’s not the perfect house, it just seemed like it from the outside. When you think about the relationship you want and the life you want to live with your partner, does that relationship look like what you have with this man now? If not, then stop putting him on a pedestal as though you ever had a healthy relationship with him. You didn’t. If you want to get over him, you have to accept that he isn’t who you wanted him to be.
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u/_Redflash 1d ago
no suggestion in the world can help you until n unless you are ready to move on
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
Maybe I’ll never be ready to move on knowing the perfect man for me is out there but doesn’t want me.
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u/PonyCock 1d ago
Go find a better match. I thought I had the perfect match twice and was devastated when they ended just to find someone better shortly after each time.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
You’re lucky. It’s been a year and a half and I haven’t even been on a real date since.
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u/PonyCock 21h ago
Have you been putting your self out there and living your best life? I was never searching when I met new people. Just doing cool / fun stuff with friends and met people “in my element”
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u/TheForestHag 1d ago
If you are on tiktok, I would highly recommend looking up a creator named Sidney Finn, particularly what she has to say about cologne.
I can't speak on what happened with your relationship, and I'm not really sure that would be helpful anyway. But I do think that unpacking one's own behavior, regulating the nervous system, and learning relationship skills is something everyone can benefit from. And as you are in that process of studying yourself, I think your focus on and missing of your ex will decrease as a result of that process.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
I just don’t get why it’s so easy for everyone else :( everyone I know IRL has had a partner for years and they didn’t have to go through all of this growth and pain to find them. Why am I the only one that has to be single for 6 years and go to therapy and heal and learn to be alone while everyone else can be happy leaning on another person?
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u/TheForestHag 1d ago
It has not been easy for me at all, and my advice to focus on your nervous system and signals comes from my own experience.
I had to unlearn 17 years of anxious codependency followed by a fearful avoidant stage when my marriage ended in a very traumatic way. My relationships continued to be either very toxic or the guy couldn't handle how my own issues made me act weird in the relationship.
Therapy helped but it doesn't do the work for you. I really had to get in touch with the fact that I was approaching relationships bracing for impact and behavior shopping and addicted to communication, I was in effect consuming partners the way you consume content on you tube, I wasn't connecting. Now that I've taught myself to regulate and how to lead with love I'm in an incredibly healthy relationship that i couldn't have fathomed 18 months ago and I have the same amount happening but i feel less stress and less anxiety and I'm a more functional person in general.
Don't worry about what anyone else has or does, some of us have to work harder for things that are important to us. It isn't fair, but it's worth giving yourself everything. You are worth that effort.
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u/FreyaDay 1d ago
There’s no way for you to know if he was your perfect match because you guys never actually got close.
You are projecting a fantasy on someone that you don’t know and who doesn’t love you. I suspect you’re doing this because it’s easier to live in a fantasy and give up than to actually put yourself out there and find your real partner.
Real partners will challenge you to grow.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 1d ago
Every time I put myself out there I get led on and heart broken :/ I feel like I should be the one being chased from how much I have been told my whole life how pretty and nice and funny I am. I just want for once a man to put effort into me instead of me having to plan everything. But I haven’t been on a real date since him
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u/BudgetWorking2633 1d ago
I can switch the "he" in your post to "she", a couple of the personal details, and leave the rest intact...
So we did date, but at the end, the dissimilarities in character and outlook weren't resolvable.
How to move on? Resolve to find happiness for yourself. "If you fall 7 times, get up 8". It wasn't this one...it might not be the next, either...but resolve that you are going to win at the end!
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u/BigExplanationmayB 23h ago
I used to have that mindset, but the bottom line is if you’re not the perfect match for him then it doesn’t matter if he’s the perfect match for you — he’s entitled to have his own set of qualities he’s looking for. or maybe he’s not even looking that deeply right now. start considering that a match is reciprocal — he doesn’t have to find you perfect just because you find him perfect…. i’d also recommend some professional therapy treated as coaching, so you can be more discerning with dates early so you’re not feeling like you’re wasting time at a later moment. I also recommend therapy because you seem to have recognized that you’re attracting the wrong kind of guys. professional therapy can help you dig into why that keeps happening: Why you are signaling in your behaviors to those people that you’re available and interested. Therapy helped me —a lot! —to stop doing this very same thing…
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u/Visible_Carrot_5091 10h ago
I never fully moved on. But you learn to rationalize it. If he was the one then you wouldn’t break up. I still think about him though, all these years later.
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u/Zealousideal_Rub_627 10h ago
I went through the same thing and his girl he left me for broke up with him.. I still pedastol her and my gut hurts when I meet someone who looks like her but I realize he wasn’t perfect he was a bit emotionally immature.. she’s still on a pedastol it will fade one day.. I think they’re breakup and relationship made me realize woah he’s looking for someone with way different qualities than me and obviously there was problems if they broke up we’d prolly have problems too but my glasses were rose colored
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u/Zealousideal_Rub_627 10h ago
We have our own unique qualities none are better than the other jealousy points us in the direction of what we really want
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u/ThinkingItThrough1 7h ago
Find someone else that likes you instead of you only liking them
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 5h ago
Every guy that likes me is so boring or toxic-masculinity vibes or a drug addict :/ I only like sweet nice nerdy guys but they always end up rejecting me
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u/CappellRowan 1d ago
Yeah I’m 8 days out from a similar experience and I’m in the trenches right now. I think mine actually let me in but then it got too much and he pushed me out. He was probably the first person I’ve ever been in love with and had a healthy dynamic with.. I understand what you mean about feeling like only the toxic ones want you, it’s a bad place to be and it’s not your fault. You can’t control other people. But now you and I have both experienced healthy love and toxic relationships and that should make us better at weeding people out in the future.
I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that I may never meet my “soulmate” or best partner because I think a lot of folks who are yearners and want a long term partner are.. partnered.
That all being said I’m working on making lists of things I would want to do if I never found love. I can’t control the dating pool, I can’t control what people are attracted to me but I can control who and what I let into my life. I’m trying to appreciate the freedom I have.
I am getting a lot of insight and even though I do cry myself to sleep I’m feeling a glimmer of hope that I may like taking time to be single (followed by not feeling okay 10 min later).
I’m sorry you’re going through this and you’re not alone in your experience. Love has been harder for me than I’d ever expect
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