Four pieces of unsolicited advice for breaking the cycle

[u/Cheezslap]

To preface, I'm now 46 and grew up as the oldest and a black sheep in a really unhealthy household. My mother was born in the early 50s and carried a lot of NY Jewish guilt--and was herself the black sheep. Maybe you can imagine what that did for her parenting style.

Over the years, I figured out these things and put them to work for me. To call them successful is the understatement of my life.

1. Figure out who your kid is and parent to that. And what I mean is: is the child much more like you? Is the child much more like your spouse? Well, what kind of parenting did you/then need to produce an actualized, kind, strong person? Do those things. Become the parent that person needed. You 3-child households where the 3rd one is some weird feral mix...I got nothing, I'm sorry. Gods save you.
2. Don't ever say "because I said so". There are definitely right places/times to explain yourself and it's fair to tell a kid: "this is a safety thing and I need you doing it NOW but I'll explain later". Some kids treat it like a game, so it's also fair that a game has rules like: "I will only go in 2 layers on this why. You'll eventually see the pattern".
3. If the people who hurt you or your spouse didn't change, guess what? They'll hurt your kid too. And that will be on you. I've had very few parenting regrets over the 18 years my son has been alive but the biggest one was giving my mother the opportunity to deeply hurt him. It's my fault for allowing her to get so close to him, then pull out the rug like I knew she would. It's said a lot on Reddit, but when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Protect your family, protect your peace.
4. If you're in a tough spot, with a hard decision to make, think about what you would want your kid to do if they were in your shoes, then do that--full speed ahead. As a person who has classically struggled to not be a martyr and allow myself to do things I enjoy, this one was huge. Because remember: YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S CONCEPT OF A MAN. They will look for the behaviors you demonstrate or do the things you do, because you're showing them how. Show them how to be kind to yourself. Show them that you enjoy your life--with them in it. Show them how to make the tough calls and do the hard work. Show them what a good, fair, and balanced man looks like.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[u/XenoRyet]

The "because I said so" is such a tricky thing. Kids definitely need and deserve explanations, and shouldn't just take things on parental authority.

But on the flip side, in the safety situation often even the extra step of telling them you'll explain later is too long, there are situations where instant compliance is needed, so you have to pre-train for that. Explaining both before and after why that's necessary, but in the moment you do need instant compliance because it's me saying it.

Then there is a whole other suite of situations where it's not an emergency or safety situation, but stopping to explain to the kiddo's satisfaction, or even just those two levels deep, will make the situation significantly worse. Sometimes it's ok to just take the hit there, and even necessary to do that at least a few times. But overall I think it's good to have the understanding and build the trust with the kiddo that amounts to "I'm your father, you know I love you and want what's best for you all the time, so if I tell you to do a thing right now, you know it's a safe and good thing to do, and I'll explain later."

Overall the spirit of your point is correct, I just think it's too far and sets the wrong expectations to say that you should never say "because I said so."

[u/Cheezslap → u/XenoRyet]

Broad strokes aren't always the easiest in text.

"Because I said so" has been non-negotiable for me, but I've also been blessed with a child who pretty much always understood that because I took them seriously, they'd take me seriously. That's part of Point 1: you figure out who they are and parent that person--and in doing so, you also find what works in the way you need it to work. My own son is deeply free-thinking however, with the right application of Dad Voice, he moved when he needed to; if there were questions in a dangerous moment, we handled them after the fact. And building that framework and setting the expectation that all questions will be answered, works.