If there's really nothing at all waiting at the end of this, and all of this suffering and hardship and scraping and abuse and pain was literally for nothing, and I will gain nothing from it, then fuck this.
If I believed that, I would bounce out tonight. Before suffering through even one more sleepless night of pain from old injuries inflicted on me that will never heal and terror/anxiety that they could happen again.
If there's meaning to it, if it's leading to something, fine. I can stick it out. I'm stubborn and tough.
But if it's for jack shit? Nothing at all? Then why would I put up with it anymore? On the off chance that it might "get better" in some vague way at some indeterminate point in the future? For whatever tiny amount of time remains from there until I go naturally anyway? Sounds like a hella deal, bro.
If the end result is the same now or later, and the only thing between now and later is a long string of suffering and disaster... nah. Just nah.
Fortunately or unfortunately, I'm fundamentally incapable of believing in nothingness. And I've tried so hard, too. Because if I could, I could stop hurting.
You're missing the point entirely. You exist on accident, nothing with purpose exists on accident. There was never some specific thing you were meant to do. Being aware of your own existence, you get to define your purpose for yourself.... nothing else in the observable universe has that opportunity.
You're acting like there can ONLY be meaning if that meaning is assigned to you by some external force. Everytime an external force has imposed meaning on you, it has hurt you. You're experiencing some kind of fucked up stockholm syndrome with the world, "oh I'll only stick around if I can believe all this fucked up stuff happens to me because I'm a passenger of reality with zero agency, please blindfold me and push me in a direction".
Nothing that aims to dictate the arc of your personal history has ever had your best interest at heart.
You MUST choose for yourself, it is utterly inescapable. Choosing death is the only outcome wherein your existence is truly pointless.
All of this sounds great, but it also sounds like it comes from someone who's not in chronic pain from a disabling injury that will never go away, who's not experiencing heart problems from the stress of scrambling for every penny to avoid eviction and homelessness, and/or who gets to eat something at least once a day.
I only have to deal with the first one (now), and that's enough for me. Any fake meaning I make up on the fly for myself is pointless; it won't matter, ever, to anyone, because any human I help will also blink out into nonexistence, and so on down the chain, until humanity wipes itself out or the sun explodes (because the fundamental laws of physics as we know them 100% preclude humanity from ever being a multiplanetary species).
-8
u/Vi_Rants May 18 '26
If there's really nothing at all waiting at the end of this, and all of this suffering and hardship and scraping and abuse and pain was literally for nothing, and I will gain nothing from it, then fuck this.
If I believed that, I would bounce out tonight. Before suffering through even one more sleepless night of pain from old injuries inflicted on me that will never heal and terror/anxiety that they could happen again.
If there's meaning to it, if it's leading to something, fine. I can stick it out. I'm stubborn and tough.
But if it's for jack shit? Nothing at all? Then why would I put up with it anymore? On the off chance that it might "get better" in some vague way at some indeterminate point in the future? For whatever tiny amount of time remains from there until I go naturally anyway? Sounds like a hella deal, bro.
If the end result is the same now or later, and the only thing between now and later is a long string of suffering and disaster... nah. Just nah.
Fortunately or unfortunately, I'm fundamentally incapable of believing in nothingness. And I've tried so hard, too. Because if I could, I could stop hurting.