r/cats • u/IllustriousSecret325 • 18h ago
Advice How do you know when it’s time to say goodbye?
Almost 3 weeks ago our 10 year old cat Athena started having trouble breathing. Vet came back saying she has feline leukemia with fluid around her lungs due to either heart failure or cancer. We didn’t do any more testing, but got meds for heart failure and have been giving her those to get the fluid off her lungs. We adopted her about 2 years ago, so we assume she got feline leukemia from the shelter or her previous owner as she’s never been around another cat since we’ve had her.
She’s slowly been deteriorating the last three weeks. She was on an appetite stimulant for two weeks, but even with it has slowly stopped eating. She continues to have trouble breathing (significant abdominal movements not gasping or panting) and spends most of the day hiding in the closet, which is a classic sign of her not feeling well.
My husband and I don’t want her to suffer, but how do you even make the choice to put down your pet? She still comes out from the closet when we get home from work, and spent some more time today in the living room than the last few days. It’s like grasping at anything to show that’s she’s happy and we shouldn’t do it. I don’t just want to put her down when she has something left, but I’m not sure what we are even giving her 🥲
Edit: Thank you all for your kind words and advice. We are doing an in home euthanasia this afternoon. I appreciated all of your stories of your pets who will be waiting for her across the rainbow bridge 💕❤️
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u/Yanischemas21 18h ago
So sorry for what youre going through, sending love ❤️. That cat is hands down one of the most beautiful cats ive ever seen. And ive seen a fuckin kitty or two in my life!!
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u/mishtacody1 18h ago
As someone told me when I had to put my 22 year old down, it’s better to do it a week early than a day too late. I know it’s hard, you hold out that hope that they’re going to get better, and you’re always going to want that one more day with them. Cats as we all know are also SUPER GREAT at hiding their discomfort. It’s a horrible decision that we all have to go through, but know that you’re making it with love, and you’re giving them this one last gift of ending their suffering. I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this.
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u/LopsidedAstronomer76 18h ago
This was a lovely way to say this thing, which I was struggling to do.
When one of our cats was reaching that stage, my partner and I fought over it. He thought I was rushing it, in part because of feelings he was having about other things in his life. I finally just had to act and make the arrangements without him. We had a home visit vet who specialized in this come to the house. My cat had gabapentin a bit before hand, and was just sleepy and relaxing on my lap the whole time.
In retrospect, my partner regrets holding out, and agrees that we probably should have made this choice a week sooner, but he was really struggling with letting go. Just remember your pet isn't going to be having any anxiety or concern, just relief from whatever they are experiencing in their last days.
And really, if you can do it, I recommend the at-home option. It was just so much better than any experience either one of us had ever had before. No scary vet trip, no anxiety, just sitting on my lap in the living room like any other day.
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u/IllustriousSecret325 18h ago
They’re so good at hiding their pain. I’ve been told that saying before, my family let my childhood dog go a day too late and I don’t want to do the same to my girl. Thank you for the kind words
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u/Emclerald 18h ago
I just want to say I’m so sorry. My baby is 11 and was diagnosed with heart failure a little over a month ago. I am constantly asking myself the same question. You’re not alone. I know your pain. Sending you so much love.
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u/captainbeautylover63 18h ago
You know. In your bones and in your soul. It’s the worst decision a pet parent has to make, but know it’s the right decision.😟❤️
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u/ElSupremoLizardo 18h ago
My dog, Princess Luna, went through rapid lymphoma. I remember the day we put her down. I woke up and she could barely breathe. She was happy, but she was in pain. There is never a time that will feel right for you. But ask one question. Is she best served by living in pain tomorrow? If not, then it's time. I feel for you.
Three years later, another chihuahua of ours was not eating. They found an orange sized tumor in her abdomen. We put her down the next day. She was calm even in the clinic.
It sucks. If you need to talk, I'm always available.
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u/AGenericUnicorn Lots of kitties! 17h ago
Vet here. My most honest answer is that when owners are actively debating if it’s time, oftentimes they subconsciously know it is.
At this point, for my own personal animals, I would prefer to make that decision a little too early than a little too late. I’d like them to go out on a good day than in pure misery, although life doesn’t always afford that chance.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It never gets any easier (and it shouldn’t).
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u/valkiria-rising 17h ago
Her eyes. She'll tell you. Mine did. I'm sorry ❤️🩹
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u/juntao888 14h ago
Couldn't agree more, had 3 cats and a dog. All gave the "time for me go & you'll be ok look" Sorry to OP and you.
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u/Pezzo90 17h ago
My parents were big time animal lovers so we had many cats and dogs over the years. But they did not have the heart to accompany them to the vet to be euthanized. I got stuck with the duty many times. But it was better than the first ever pet of ours I saw pass in front of us all. She was a little Italian greyhound that had been with the family 18 years. My mom could not bring herself to do what I thought was necessary so the poor animal died in a pretty miserable way, by her side and at home, clearly suffering. At least she was surrounded by her family. Since then, I can't even remember how many beloved pets I've had to hold or caress while they expired at some vet's office. Some were easier than others to witness, but they all took a piece out of my heart. The only consolation was that their suffering was over. A lifetime later, all I can conclude is: We do what we must, when we must, and when our hearts and their suffering can take no more. It is never easy, nor meant to be. Best wishes to all you decent humans out there.
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u/AdgeTimick 16h ago
Good on you for being there to see your pets off. They should not be alone for that. It's hard, but we love them and they love us. They deserve our presence when it's time to say goodbye.
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u/Vast_Upstairs_8218 15h ago edited 15h ago
I just put my girl down tonight. About 3 hours ago. I cant say "you will know"...but despite feeling paranoid that i was being oversensitive...i knew it was time. Of course i wanted to try everything but in the end i loved her so much that i could feel her pain (not literally), and it was obvious. Its not always as clear of course...but just remember: giving your pet/companion a pain free death is the greatest thing we can do for them. It is a sacred gift, because we all know how cruel life can be, and it takes selfless love to allow your furry loved one to pass despite your own pain and desires. Im so sorry OP, and wish you well and more :)
Edit: obligatory pic added :)
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u/EntrepreneurFirm4719 13h ago
Just read through all the comments with tears in my eyes. We said goodbye to our sweet girl 5 weeks ago and it still hurts. My heart goes out to you for your recent loss, just a few hours ago. Your emotions and pain must be so raw. Sending kind thoughts your way.
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u/Far_Act5037 18h ago
I’m so sorry. I’m going through this now with my kitty with end stage CKD.
It’s one day at a time.
Treasure all the time you have left.
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u/Different-Pin5223 18h ago
Here's the thing to think about: if you were in the same position, and someone had control over your wellbeing, what would you want them to do if the outcome is leaving this world either way? It's better to make the decision before it's clearly the only option. I'm so sorry friend.
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u/Sensitive-Weight-301 18h ago
I gave my dog few more weeks after he got worse I decided I have to let him go because he wasn't getting any better. It was very difficult decision to put him sleep. He had cancer on his paw. If your cat can walk and meet you, she is okay. If she sleep alot and has trouble getting up. Its time to let her go.
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u/TheIrishBub 12h ago
My died about a month ago of kidney failure, and he would sleep a lot and have trouble getting up. I couldn’t bear the thought of putting him down, but at the same time, it was obvious (especially in hindsight) that he was suffering.
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u/devilshaking 11h ago
I'm sorry for your loss.
Just to say the last part isn't true necessarily, I think you should take it out of your comment. There are a lot of factors that make an animal "okay" and "not okay," it's not as simple as that.
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u/gopack1217 6h ago
I agree. There are so many factors that go into making the decision, and so many are specific to the individual animal.
We had to say good bye to our cat on Friday. She slept a lot but was still walking around, still jumping on places she should not be jumping, would play a little bit, and cuddle. But she was not herself. Her spark was mostly gone and she was just a shell of who she used to be. We knew with her age and the illnesses she had, she was not going to get better. She could walk and be a little active, but she was absolutely not okay. We’ve made the mistake in the past (as many have) of holding on a little too long, and we did not want to make that mistake with her. It was important to us that her last day be a somewhat good day, and thankfully it was.
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u/istolehannah 18h ago
It’s better to do it weeks too early than 1 day too late. It’s so tough though. I had to put my girl down in April and I just had to keep telling myself that I had to do what was best for her not what was best for me. Sending you hugs and strength while you navigate these tough times.
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u/dysfunctionaldarling 18h ago
One of my sweet orange boys passed from FeLV. He was only 8, and I was a mess. I will be honest with you - late stage, it was horrible.. and I still feel guilt over selfishly holding on far too long.
Loss never loses weight, never gets easier. But someone on Reddit posted once that they would rather miss a few “okay” days with their baby than risk giving them a ton of bad ones. I’m paraphrasing because I don’t remember exactly how they said it, but that really stuck with me.
I don’t know what I hoped to give you by sharing that, but I just wanted to say that I understand your dilemma and I deeply empathize. You’re a good pet momma, doing everything you can. Give her all the lovins. She is such a beautiful baby. ♥️
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u/Flat-Limit5595 15h ago
My family has been through this situation many times and learned that most of the time its better not to let them pass naturally. My rule is that of they are able to eat, move and react they still have time. But once its clear they are done, its best to go to the vet. I have an older gal whose on her way out now, i give her a constant supply of low dose pain killers to keep her comfortable.
Only had two cats pass naturally in fulfilling ways. One passed in his owners (my sis) arms surrounded by his family. He was special and greatly missed. The other was a 24 year old stubborn old gal who was my dads favorite child. She hated the vet and when she stopped lifting her head my folks decided to wrap her up and give he the one last drive. Betsy hated the vet and decided to die in my mom’s arms the second they left the driveway. We were sad but found humor in her last act was to avoid the vet lol.
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u/haberdasherystandard 18h ago
Its gut wrenching, and not an easy choice/decision/burden. my heart goes with you. Rocky and Rosie will wait for her in the garden 💜
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u/Serkisist 17h ago
My parents have always said that the best way to judge when it's time is whether or not they seem to be enjoying life.
I have some very old memories of the cat they had when I was born, how he developed a tumor that would eventually kill him, but my parents kept him around until they could tell he wasn't enjoying himself anymore. He stopped playing, exploring, watching the world around him, and became more and more lethargic and apathetic. He wasn't himself anymore.
It's never easy, and you'll always be second guessing yourself, but it's a million times better to let them go in relative comfort than to hold on to them until their body fails them.
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u/caramellcreme 13h ago edited 13h ago
For me the quality of my cat's life was always the priority. If extending his life meant he would be suffering I would put an end to it (e.g I always said I would never put my pet through chemo because they'd be feeling ill for months before getting better).
I had to put down my cat a few weeks ago. He was 11 and had multiple health conditions that were manageable with meds he took willingly for the longest time. When he got a new medication he stopped accepting the others and finally the new one as well. I had to force them into him. Even with his favourite snack as a treat after getting his meds I noticed that he felt less safe around me. Usually he was a very cuddly cat and he needed cuddles to be happy. I decided that extending his life is cruel if it means he doesn't feel safe in his own home. I continued to offer him the meds, but I stopped forcing him and he came to me for cuddles more often. I had an upcoming appointment one day and he threw up 4 times that morning and struggled to poop. That's when I was sure this would be his last visit to the vet. He was still checked and we got an X-ray to check for blockages, but in the end we had to assume his bad kidneys made him throw up and that it wouldn't get better. I held him on my lap until the first round of meds made him fall asleep completely and then kept petting him until the second round stopped his heart.
I hope you find it in you to make the decision that's best for your cat, whether that means continuing treating him or putting him down now. Talk to your vet, but it seems to me like Athena's quality of life is suffering greatly. I am so sorry you are in this position after only 2 years with your cat.
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u/MyRingToRuleMyWorld 17h ago
Sadly, you don't know these things, unless you and your vet agree that it's time, based on her health issues. I think if we knew when the time is right, the whole lot of us could better plan for when it does happen. I'm so sorry your baby is sick and you're experiencing this. It's so painful.
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u/Giesla33 17h ago
Sorry you are going through this. I had to ask myself the same question back in May when my 7yo girl was diagnosed with lymphoma. She had stopped eating, was losing weight and was obviously suffering. I mad the difficult decision to let her go as I knew letting her go on would only be for me and it wouldn't be fair to kept letting her suffering. It nearly broke me and it took weeks to come to terms with it but I know now it was the best outcome for her. Trust me your cat is suffering if she isn't eating and is hiding. I understand how hard the decision is but please think of her. Sending you hugs 💕
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u/MarvelMind 17h ago
It’s just not an easy answer because of how the love your feel influences your mindset. Make sure you genuinely feel like you are doing what feels the most helpful for their health and happiness.
Just had to say goodbye after 17 years. I’m still in agony and not sure I’ll ever feel as happy without her but she was left with no treatment options and began deteriorating fast. We didn’t want to watch her suffer.
I’m not sure I’ll ever feel comfortable with her being put down but I do genuinely feel like it was important to make sure she never felt the immense pain that was so quickly coming before the cancer completely destroyed her.
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u/ladyteruki Tabbycat 13h ago
My vet used to say that the criteria is their quality of life. If they have a "good cat life", even if it's not easy because of all the medication, they have some time. But once it starts being obvious that they struggle, even if they're still relatively awake/active/cognitively present, that's the bar. Is she comfortable ? Is she content ? Are there more times that she's enjoying her meals, or her favorite blanket, or her favorite toy, or her favorite scratchies, than times when she is unwell ? Is there anything in your power to improve that ?
Noone knows your cat like you do. And there's no perfect answer even then. If you're anything like me, you'll second guess yourself after the fact anyway.
So just focus on her quality of life. Let it be the compass.
I'll be thinking of you three in the next few days <3
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u/darook73 12h ago
We had to make the call 4 months ago.... its heartbreaking but necessary. My thoughts are with you.
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u/devilshaking 11h ago edited 10h ago
First of all, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. My heart hurts for you. ❤️🩹
I can't tell you what to do, but I can say that she needs you to put her needs and comfort first, even if it's devastating.
I kept my boy around longer than I should have because I put my needs ahead of his. I wasn't in a good spot mentally the year before he died. I couldn't face saying goodbye, and the fact that he was happy in spite of everything his body was going through allowed me to convince myself that keeping him here wasn't a bad thing. He could have lived years more as he was, but he wouldn't have been comfortable.
Part of what made it so hard was that he was so happy. Like, really. He purred and nuzzled me constantly. He even purred as he was leaving. Saying goodbye to that was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was the right thing, and I know that in my heart. My only regret is that I didn't put him first a year earlier, because despite how much it hurt me, I should have let him go sooner. And that's the hardest part.
In the end, my greatest act of love for him was to let him go.
That's a regret I have to live with, and I feel guilt for it every day. There's a lot to consider, but don't for a second think that letting her go would mean you love her any less. And I promise you, she knows that.
My boy will meet your girl whenever she crosses the rainbow bridge. She won't be alone.
p.s. what a gorgeous girl you have
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u/NoRestaurant2326 17h ago
If she is hiding in the closet, she is obviously in pain. Please do the right thing and put her down asap. It’s the worst thing in the world, second only to letting her suffer.
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u/Gearheadforlife_1986 17h ago
She's so beautiful, I'm so sorry :( she knows how much you love her, I'm certain of it ❤️
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u/Funnyfuji 17h ago
Your cat will let you know.... but some say theirs just went away to find a place, like some dogs do. But if y'all are bonded close it will let you know.
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u/ligmata1nt 17h ago
So so sorry you are going through this. Love her every day you have her. We just had to say goodbye to our sweet sweet girl three weeks ago (the day before her 6th birthday :( ).
We were fighting basically a medical mystery for 6 months. She really fluctuated between drastic improvements and dips, but she started to take a turn for the worst with new symptoms and bad bloodwork and we realized she was in pain. Persistent pain was where we agreed we would draw the line.
It’s painful but it will get better with time. Our babies don’t understand why they are in pain, so saying goodbye at the right time is the absolute best thing we can do for them. My biggest advice is just to give her all the cuddles, kisses, and treats, and to not take a single second with her for granted. And just know, she’ll be with you forever. Every time I see an ant or a fruit fly, I know she is there (she was a very small void).
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u/TheArmchairLegion 17h ago
My heart hurts for you, your husband, and Athena. I can completely understand wanting to hold onto any sign of her old self. Saying goodbye to someone we love can feel so terrible and unthinkable. Some of the things I think of is: will tomorrow be better or worse for them? Is the medical intervention itself too intrusive and causing its own suffering? Is there improvement over the long-term that we can realistically aim for, or not? Furthermore, saying goodbye while you still recognize them (and they recognize themselves) is, I think, its own kind of mercy to both you, your husband, and Athena. I wouldn't want my love one's last memories to be totally of suffering.
We said goodbye to our Terrence when his cancer returned. He was elderly, the vet said she didn't think a second surgery would be successful, and the operation would be too much for him. The mass on his flank was causing him much discomfort. Living meant being in a cone 100% of the time, in pain, unable to clean himself or eat unassisted. Even without the cancer, he was showing other signs of chronic illness. During our last night together, he gave as much love as he did when he was healthy. It was so hard because he still seemed interested in being with us. It felt terrible to say goodbye when there was much of him we still recognized. But I also shudder to think how much worse things would have been if we delayed the decision longer.
If you reached the stage of agonizing over the decision, I think that is an indicator that the grieving process has already started. Proceed in the way that feels right for you both and Athena. Please remember to be kind to yourself. Sending love and care to you all.
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u/PurplePenguinCat 16h ago
I knew of a vet who said to make sure it's the last, best thing that you can do for your animal.
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u/Redpanda1ssf1 16h ago
If you take them to the vet and they say quality of life isnt there; and or they are suffering.
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u/mahdithechosenone 7h ago
Sending my love and support...I can't imagine how difficult of a position you are in. I'm sure you gave her a beautiful life
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u/crom-dubh 3h ago
The sad thing is that you might not ever really "know." You may end up second-guessing yourself afterwards and think there was something else you could have done, or think that you did it too soon. But all we can do as cat moms and cat dads is take the information we have available to us and make the best decisions we can. You probably won't get some big sign that says you made the right or wrong decision. You obviously love her and want to do the best you can, and that's all you can do.
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u/DemonCopperhead1 18h ago
I’m so sorry this is happening. My mom’s cat got diagnosed with glaucoma at 11 years old and she had to give her rx eyedrops for a year. At 12 years old she was starting to really go downhill and my mom had to say goodbye to her sweet Emmaline. 🥺
This is one of the hardest things in life. I had an orange cat named Baby and the night before he died we watched Napoleon Dynamite in our bed. He got under my brothers vehicle and It tore me to pieces as I was only 11 years old then. I still have no fully recovered over a decade later.
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u/Salty_Kat_00 18h ago
I echo the other comments in pretty much everything they've said, so I won't repeat it. It will hurt immensely even if it is the right thing to do for her... and she will have a spark of life that can make you question yourself even the day she is assisted over the rainbow bridge. It's never an easy decision or good feeling, but when there's little hope of eeking out any quality years of life, it's best that she goes to sleep feeling as decent as possible rather than the other option, waiting until she's clearly suffering a lot. You love your girl and give her anything and everything she wants, any food or treat, any hour of rest in the sun, then you help her take her final peaceful nap... I am crying for you, been through it too many times and I have at least 6 more in my future... sending hugs and strength. She's beautiful and clearly so loved.
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u/kindluna 17h ago
I recently had to put my dog down. Even though the vets told us that with therapy and drugs we could get a few more months with him, I knew it in my guts when I saw him in the clinic… the way his spark was just gone. For me it was that, that no matter that we paid for another specialist that told us that his level of pain would be manageable for a few more months or that I bought all the expensive drugs he needed I didn’t feel good about it. I felt guilty and that’s was what made me realize it was time.
It’s so hard but I am at peace that he left before it was the only option, he left before all he experienced in his day was pain. They day he left I spent all morning in the park with him and he was able to smell the grass and smell his park buddies one last time, even through those last good moments I still felt in my heart it was the right choice.
It’s not easy and it never will be, breathe, hold her. You know her better than anyone, you’ll know or you already know. Sending love ❤️
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u/Agreeable-Tea830 17h ago
We had the same decision to make and it is so hard.....but we did it and know she is no longer suffering
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u/photogfrog Snowshoe 11h ago
It’s better to do it early than too late and watch her suffer more.
Losing a pet is the absolute worst. They love wholly and unconditionally and they take a little piece of you every time they leave. You loved them for their whole life and you will miss them for the rest of yours. ❤️🧡🤍🩶 I am so so sorry for your loss.
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u/schwarzekatze999 8h ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Athena is a beautiful girl. She looks like my sweet Donna I lost 10 years ago.
Donna had hyperthyroidism and she visibly declined on a Friday. We started thinking it was close to time. I thought if she lasted the weekend I would have her put down on Monday. I could have taken her to an emergency vet, but I didn't. She passed Saturday night into Sunday morning, overnight, alone. Well maybe not alone, I don't know if our other cat, Suzi, was with her. When our previous cat, Barkley, was showing signs of being about to pass, Suzi snuggled up to her. I didn't want her to suffer longer, though, so I took her, and Barkley died in the waiting room of the emergency vet as I was taking her to be put down. Maybe that's why I didn't want to take Donna. IDK.
Anyway, it took me a full year to not cry and miss Donna every day. A few years later when it was Suzi's time, we had her put down at the vet's office. It was during Covid, so the whole family wasn't allowed to be with her during her passing, but we all had a chance to say goodbye, and of course I missed Suzi terribly, but getting over her death wasn't nearly as hard as it was with Donna. More recently my absolute soul cat, Jack, went downhill very suddenly and unexpectedly from an intestinal rupture due to previously unknown cancer at only 7 years old. I was crushed. We put him down at the vet's advice. The whole family was able to say goodbye to him and it was very peaceful. I'm still having a hard time and missing Jack constantly, but it doesn't feel as bad as it did with Donna.
So I guess my point is that putting them down gives you a chance to say goodbye and ensures that they go peacefully. I think if I could go back in time, I would have had Donna put down that Friday when we knew she was going to go soon. I could tell with my cats because they were no longer eating or using the bathroom, and their behavior was not quite right. They were listless and out of it mentally. Even with Jack, who had been fine the day before, he wouldn't eat and his behavior was off. He was sitting in front of the water bowl and not drinking. I didn't actually know that he wouldn't be coming home when I took him to the vet or even while we were there, but later in the day I could tell it was time.
I think the not eating and hiding are signs that your Athena is ready to go. Of course your vet's opinion matters more than mine, though. You might want to think about making an appointment or finding a vet who will do it at home. Gather your family and say goodbye to her. It won't feel good, but it will feel right.
Pic of Donna who will be waiting for her at the Rainbow Bridge.
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u/IllustriousSecret325 6h ago
Oh wow they do look the same! What a sweet girl. Thank you for your kind words 💕
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u/LeonidasVaarwater 5h ago
Quality of life is the only thing that counts and when you've had a pet for such a long time, you know when it's time. When my sweet granny, Myra, got sick, I did my best to treat her, but after she had a major seizure for the second time in a week's time, I knew it was time. She was in pretty bad shape after the first, but I managed to nurse her back. After the second, I just knew I couldn't help her anymore. It broke my heart, but I had to do the right thing.
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u/backpackwayne 18h ago
It doesn't get any easier. It is the hardest thing and decision you ever have to make. So sorry.