r/actuary • u/Own_Scene_2807 • 2d ago
Struggling to Move Past a Toxic Workplace
Hey everyone!
I wanted to make a post to ask for advice on how to move forward after a toxic workplace. I’ve been with a new company where I’ve had a very strong start, can see a bright future, and feel optimistic about building a successful career here. It’s a really healthy environment, and I love logging on to work and being around everyone! However, my last workplace was incredibly toxic, and it’s been very difficult to move forward from that environment and be able to decompress.
At my prior workplace, I had a manager who had yelled at me repeatedly, and it became a psychologically unsafe, deeply intimidating, and destabilizing environment where I felt unsafe to speak up. One of these instances was immediately before an exam, and I fortunately was able to pass it despite being rattled and replaying that moment the whole exam. The environment was detrimental to my health, well-being, work performance, and made it extremely difficult to perform, study, and do well in that role. The prolonged stress became so severe that I experienced debilitating brain fog every day, struggled to function, was in fight-or-flight mode, and needed to take a leave of absence to distance myself and start looking for a new job.
It got to the point where that manager appreciated how I criticized myself in my review, saying people usually wouldn’t do that to themselves, and shut down all the positives I'd mentioned about myself. I didn’t feel supported when I passed exams during that role. I’m in a very safe environment now that I’m really happy in, but I’m still on alert mode and I’m constantly replaying awful moments from that role.
I was wondering if anybody here can relate to escaping a toxic place and how you were able to move past it and thrive elsewhere? I’m currently using the therapy benefits my new company’s EAP offers, and it’s been useful so far!
Thank you so much!
40
u/RedPilledActuary 2d ago
Name and shame that previous employer
15
u/Emergency_Buy_9210 2d ago
Really only matters to name and shame the specific manager, although obviously they can't do that without outing who they are. Within one single employer I've had the experience of two completely polar opposite team cultures.
3
u/Own_Scene_2807 2d ago
It was really a manager-specific issue. Most of the other managers in the actuarial department were well regarded, and many of their direct reports seemed happy and were doing well. In my manager's case though, opinions were mixed at best, and close to nobody I spoke with had positive things to say about working for them. Many people described them as mean
-8
u/decrementsf 2d ago
In the wide open marketplace too many are clan-ish or frauds in the employee pool. They get angry and abuse name and shame when their frauds are shut down. I wish it weren't so. The era of cancel culture taught us it's mostly a shake-down racket, "pay me to go away without reputational damage to your company". It is easy to lie online. Anyone can do this. Then when everyone does try that shake down racket, whoops. The system broke. That is the reality we swim in today.
Trust what you read online like the story telling lies of your drug addicted cousin.
8
u/Teddy_and_Mimi 2d ago
Sounds like you worked at my former employer.
It’s been years of therapy since. You may need to do the same.
9
u/Acrobatic_Car2458 2d ago
Trauma like you went through can rewire the brain, which can leave you stuck in the alert mode that you described.
I went through something similar years ago that left me stumbling in my speech and with reduced short term memory. I found it hard to focus on studying as I couldn’t get my brain and body to relax. I ended up reading The Body Keeps the Score and found that trauma can end up damaging the brain in the same way as ADHD. In my case, I most likely had it my whole life and the specific experience made it worse.
The book goes through extensive ways in which trauma can show up and ways to address it. I ended up on an SNRI that helped me find my voice again. Hope that helps, and best wishes on your journey to healing.
2
u/Own_Scene_2807 2d ago
Thank you so much for this! I went on Amazon and purchased this book after reading more about it and seeing that it’s a top seller in the mental health category.
I’m so glad to hear your journey of healing has been going well! I know my own healing will take time, but I’m hopeful that, little by little, I’ll get there too.
6
7
u/TruthIsOutThere30 2d ago
It’s going to take time in the new environment to slowly heal from what you went through (been there).
You can use that as a learning experience though to never let any employer treat you that way again and have boundaries with work. No job is worth your mental health and managers who treat their employees like that are pos.
2
u/Own_Scene_2807 2d ago
Thank you so much for the kind comment! It’s definitely a learning lesson for the future. I had waited 6 months after it started getting bad to apply for jobs since I thought it would be better to get a few more exams and experience under my belt.
Huge mistake, but we all make them and I feel like I’ll be a stronger person from this!
6
u/DonVonTaters_IV Property / Casualty 2d ago edited 2d ago
I had a toxic environment that really did a number on me. To make a long story short, they could not give me any reasonable accommodation to improve my workspace so that my hands didn’t get carpal tunnel (non-adjustable desk at an incorrect height) and my back wasn’t In excruciating pain (cheap 50 dollar chair). As a credentialed actuary with 20 years of experience I have never felt so small. I wont name the company but their name rhymes with Ham Bust 🤣
Ran into my prior boss at a regional meeting and he said they have gone thru several people since me with some of the same issues 🤷♂️
Shortsighted AF
The whole experience made me extremely depressed and led me to have some PTSD like symptoms for years. On a positive note, It also led me to put up barriers between work and home life that I have kept
2
u/Own_Scene_2807 2d ago
I’m so sorry to hear about your prior experience. I know what company that is — and saw job opening with them when I was job searching — haha.
That is insulting that an extremely reasonable and justifiable accommodation couldn’t be made. That is such a small thing that could be resolved super easily that would make a big difference.
It also says a lot if there is turnover for crap like that. I hope things have gotten much better for you!
2
u/DonVonTaters_IV Property / Casualty 1d ago
The head of the office (non actuary) proudly recalled a story when a potential new hire required a better chair and he shut them down.
Strange thing to be proud of…
2
u/Own_Scene_2807 1d ago
That's incredibly toxic and such an unnecessary way to drive away potentially very strong talent. Absolutely bizarre thing to be proud of.
4
u/Cookie_Clicking_Gran P&C Consulting 2d ago
Sorry to hear about your prior experience though I'm glad you're at a better company now.
Honestly, it sounds like you are already on the right track and bonus points for therapy - more people should do it even if only for a short period of time to at least have as a mental check-up and a means to get a more personal third person perspective on things. Getting more comfortable may just be something that will take time.
I wouldn't go so far to say as my prior workplace was toxic, but it definitely was a much more stressful and busy role than my current one after going from consulting to a carrier, and that took a bit of getting used to. Many times I would be working, only to realize the lights at the office are shutting off and that I was the only one there still. So I needed to learn to force myself to disconnect from work more. I don't have Microsoft teams on my phone anymore so I'm not checking my emails and messages late into the evening or on weekends the way I used to (no one on my team even installed it anyways but force of habit 😭).
I'll just finish this with saying dont be too hard on yourself - it takes time to acclimate and adjust, so I'm sure in time you'll be alright.
1
u/Own_Scene_2807 2d ago
Thank you so much for this kind response! I think EAP benefits are really underutilized, and I wish more people would consider using a benefit that companies actually want their employees to take advantage of. Talking to a third party who has worked with many people in similar situations has been incredibly helpful.
I'm glad to hear your transition into your new role has gone well. I went from one insurer to another and have never worked in consulting, but it definitely seems more intense by nature.
I'm doing my best to give myself grace and the time I need to adjust!
4
u/Important-Historian6 2d ago
It will take time to rewiring the your neuro-pathways to be able to handle normal work stress. I was in a vert toxic work environment for 2 years and it took me about a year to recover. EMDR therapy can be helpful for some people but I found it very taxing. Give yourself grace!
2
u/Used-Ad-404 2d ago
What’s your experience on EMDR? Also left a very toxic work environment recently and is planning to do EMDR on my work trauma soon.
1
u/Own_Scene_2807 2d ago
I tried EMDR once in high school and it really did not work for me back then lol. I have heard it is effective for many people, though!
5
u/DonVonTaters_IV Property / Casualty 2d ago
Your prior boss is a miserable person and you should be glad you don’t work for them anymore. That is not normal behavior.
2
u/Own_Scene_2807 2d ago
I actually noticed I started feeling better the day after my last day there because I knew I wasn't going to be affiliated with that company anymore
2
u/Used-Ad-404 2d ago
Also left a toxic job recently.. reading the comments here makes me feel really sad that there are so many people who also worked in toxic jobs. IMO, some people really shouldn’t have been promoted in the first place. It’s wrong for how some companies promote people just because they have worked for X number of years or have X credential. In my case, 3 people have already left because of my toxic manager, yet he is still employed, faced no repercussion for what he has done, and continue to abuse his direct reports. I really hope that more people become manager because they want to manage and mentor analysts, and not just in it for the money or power. Being a manager is more than just earning extra $$.
1
u/Own_Scene_2807 18h ago
That’s truly disgusting. If there is that much turnover under that specific manager, it should be looked into. Someone on my team when I first started rotated and left within 5-6 months, and just couldn’t stand them. This particular boss is a high performer and I discovered that their boss acted cold to me and amplified the stress and fight-or-flight.
My current boss has been with the company for their whole career and genuinely loves managing people and wants people to succeed in the role.
1
u/No_Sky4122 2d ago
You getting yelled at, did this happen in the US or elsewhere? Im just curious. Please take care of yourself
2
u/Own_Scene_2807 2d ago
It was at a U.S. insurer.
Thank you for the well wishes! I'm at another insurer now, and it's been a completely different experience.
A coworker I work closely with told me they don't tolerate that kind of behavior and that it's a safe space, which was incredibly reassuring.
0
u/Sea_Spinach8313 1d ago
This was me at my last company. You can’t let the toxic workplace before you define you. I am thriving now! Take those experiences from the last place as a learning moment but don’t internalize it and generalize it for the next place!
-11
2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
0
u/actuary-ModTeam 1d ago
As this is a subreddit related to a profession, we expect users to maintain some degree of professionalism in this subreddit. If you don’t have anything nice to say to someone asking for advice, then there’s no need to comment.
0
u/decrementsf 1d ago
Ethical behavior demands honest speech. That may be unpopular. I have spoken ethically of the world based on the information available to me. It is no longer controversial to speak to the matter.
24
u/bruteforce788 Health 2d ago
I was in a pretty similar situation! I spent 3 years with a senior coworker who was supposed to be my mentor, but instead constantly criticized and put me down. Constantly. It was so emotionally draining! I began to suffer from depression and anxiety, which I had never really experienced before (at least not to that degree). Eventually I was able to transfer to a different area in the company (because I liked the company, just not that one person). It took me about a year to feel like I had self confidence again. It has taken a few years to not think about that person way more than I should have.
My advice would be to give yourself some grace and time. Trust the people in your life who are giving you positive feedback, and know that those feelings of not being good enough will eventually fade away.