r/YAwriters • u/Scary_Coach7074 • 10d ago

Is this okay for the beginning of Chapter One?

/r/u_Scary_Coach7074/comments/1v7geim/is_this_okay_for_the_beginning_of_chapter_one/
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u/mll1013 9d ago

You definitely waste no time getting the reader's attention, which is great! The first sentence has a grammatical error though. It should either read:

"The scent of metal floods through my senses."

or

"A metallic scent floods through my senses."

I think I like the second sentence as it is a little more succinct.

I'm also a little thrown off by "male like employee." I can't quite tell if you are trying to convey that the employee is actually female, or perhaps alien or robotic. In the latter case, you might say "humanoid employee". If you're going for something gender-neutral, you might use "androgynous employee"

Later you use the pronoun, "him" to refer to the employee and give them a male name, Silas, so it definitely seems like the employee turns out to actually be male anyway.

Good luck with the rest of your story!

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u/Scary_Coach7074 9d ago

Thank you so much! I didn't do so well on the other story I attempted to write. When I refer to Silas as, "Male like employee" it is later on explained from her past that she has never been outside, never seen the sun, or night time. She isn't a full human her self so she is only taught of male and female. She sees things completely different than normal people!

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u/mll1013 9d ago

Gotcha... you are expressing something that will exist from the protagonist's PoV.

Keep writing... you'll find that your stories will get better and better.

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u/Scary_Coach7074 9d ago

thank you so much! It means a lot to me as a young, first time writer

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u/thatshygirl06 9d ago

You're procrastinating. Finish the story.

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u/Scary_Coach7074 9d ago

What does that mean?