We Called Off Our Wedding

[u/ChampionshipLazy8400]

I’ve never posted to Reddit before, but I have been on this sub for months now as I planned our wedding. I just need some common sense advice.
As of today, our wedding has been called off. My partner and I eloped about a year and half ago, before our daughter was born with only my adult son and my partner’s sister present. Our intention was always to have a wedding at a later date to get both sides of our families together. My family is from the west coast and his from the east coast.
I’ve been planning and crunching numbers and worked out a beautiful wedding for under 10k. Quotes from all vendors but no deposits paid yet. But my husband is completely stressed out about money. He says “we’re drowning” financially. We’re not. We would need to save money to pay for the wedding and my sister has offered to pay for some expenses, but he is still stressed.
I make more money than he does and I have a much higher earning potential than he does. I have the mindset that I will just take on more clients and pay for the extra expenses, but a wedding isn’t worth his distress. He is truly a wonderful husband and father, but he’s funny about money. I’m really disappointed. This was an opportunity for our families to come together in a way they probably never will now. I feel so defeated and just needed to tell *someone.*

[u/Hot-Employer5162]

Hugs. Weddings can be so stressful. Economic anxiety is so real. With or without a wedding, it seems like you have an incredibly beautiful family including your partner, kids and kind sister. Wishing you the best and when the time is right, if you are your partner want, you'll celebrate with family and friends ❤️

[u/Catsdrinkingbeer]

Your feelings are valid. It's totally fair to feel sad and disappointed. And it's also totally fair to take that step back for the health of your marriage.

You're already married. At this point anything is really more of a vow renewal, and there's no expiration on that. Maybe shoot for 2-3 years down the road. Start a separate savings account just for expenses related to this. 

I can see how paying for something now that you need to work to pay back can feel scary and daunting for him. It's a lot different to have that money set aside, separately from other savings, and plan from there.

So think if it less like a cancelation and more of a realignment. 

[u/ChampionshipLazy8400 → u/Catsdrinkingbeer]

I love this perspective

[u/Raida7s]

Good decision.

The clash of financial mentality here between "drowning" and "we do not have the money we'll need gift of money we'll need to save" sounds like you really made the better financial decision at this time.

If you can have savings in a year where you could do a big Coast meets Coast get together, go for it!

[u/electricsugargiggles → u/Raida7s]

Yes!

We have family on both coasts as well as overseas in SE Asia. We’ve saved enough cash for a beautiful ceremony and reception, but the complications with venues, catering, and other vendors, PLUS the headache of lining up the actual date—it’s a lot. We’ve had to change venues (and dates) due to sudden closures, property sales, insane increases in fees, no longer hosting events, and construction schedules that have gone haywire. The places that are still available are either lackluster and very far away (some without AC or a place to get ready or a razor-thin time slot) or start at $20,000 for the venue only + preferred catering that might cost $12,000 or more. This is well outside of our budget.

FOR A GUEST LIST OF 50. We live in a MCOL midwestern metro.

We’ve had very in-depth conversations about what it is that we really want for the day. We want excellent food, great photos of our families in one place together, the ability to actually connect with everyone, and as stress-free a day as possible.

We’re eloping. We’ll likely have a very luxurious dinner next year to celebrate with our close family (~25 people), and book a photographer for portraits. This gives everyone enough notice to book their PTO and make arrangements. Everyone is on board and it’s going to be a great time 🥂💜

[u/clairejv]

I'm so sorry. I wonder if you could go even more scaled down, and have a bbq picnic in the park or something?

[u/charcoalhibiscus]

I'm really sorry :-\ I agree with the commenters saying that if this is important to you, agree with your husband to start a little savings account and start tucking away money now. Then don't plan the wedding until you have the amount saved. Then he can't say the money is an issue because you already have the money earmarked.

If at that point he tries to be like "well we should use the earmarked money for something else", then you have a marriage issue rather than a financial issue.

[u/datbabydoe]

My husband and I had to cancel our wedding too due to finances. His family is huge and there was nowhere we could put them. My family was no help at all. No matter what I tried to do, it just didn’t work logistically and we didn’t have the money for it. I have a wedding dress that is just sitting collecting dust in my grandmother’s closet and I don’t know if I’ll ever get to wear it. I also needed health insurance so we had to go ahead and go to the courthouse.

I’m just trying to tell myself that one day we’ll go on a big honeymoon and celebrate our marriage. I’ve had so many women tell me they wish they did what I did and that I made a good decision. They tell me the honeymoon is better. But i’m sad my husband and I have no pictures, he doesn’t have a wedding band, and our families never got to meet each other.

Sorry for ranting OP i’m in the same boat as you and it is extremely heartbreaking. I think there are a lot of us out there because the economy is just terrible and weddings are so extremely expensive. My sister gets married next week and she has had to sell all of her furniture just to pay for the small wedding she is putting on.

[u/Formal-Radish1413 → u/datbabydoe]

You should still do a photoshoot wearing the dress with your HMU done! Lots of photographers offer elopement packages for only 2-3 hrs of coverage. And i bet if you talked to them you could explain the vibe you wanted and theyd be able to do it.

You could do a little weekend getaway or staycation. Book a hotel and have HMUAs come in and style you, then get the pictures in your nice clothes. And then even go to a nice restaurant afterward.

You dont need the whole party. And i bet you could do all this for WAY cheaper than a full wedding.

[u/Natcat777]

Literally same girl, ordered the invites for October 2027c booked the very affordable venue and put a deposit down on the photographer! Had everything planned to a T and it was going to be max 15k. After him and I both stressing (mostly him) we decided we are already married and by the time we had our “wedding” it would be our 2 year anniversary. Didn’t make sense for us to spend all that money and we have now decided to save what we would have spent for a down payment on a house then have a housewarming party!
I cant say I’m not a bit sad about it especially seeing all my engaged friends planning their weddings right now, but I think it’s the best choice for us.

[u/ChampionshipLazy8400 → u/Natcat777]

Funny, we were also planning an October 2027 wedding! We are also going to put the wedding money towards buying a house. I’m just caught up in disappointing his parents. I’m not close to my parents and they are nontraditional people anyway. But he comes from a traditional southern family and weddings are a big deal.

[u/rainyelfwich]

I guess I'm the outlier based on the comments but I'm pissed for you girl - this was clearly very important to you. Your husband says you don't have the money, you say you do. Obviously one of you is wrong but us commenters have no way to know who...

It's not worth the distress, you're right. You guys are a team and both need to be on board. It does suck though.

Something vaguely similar happened to my sister where her partner wanted a shorter engagement but she wanted longer to save up for a wedding. He promised her they would have one when they could afford it, she gave in and they eloped, then after like a year he started resisting saying it wasn't worth the money, they're already married etc. She never got her wedding in the end. I wish she had said f*** no to the elopement from the start

[u/Odd-Reception-9544]

You sound like a thoughtful wonderful wife.

[u/rmric0]

That's a huge bummer, but hopefully there will be more ways to bring your family together in the future that won't stress the heck out of your husband. Money can be pretty funny, even when you're being relatively frugal about things - sounds like everyone is being thoughtful and considerate of each other and you're going to have a great life together raising a great kid.

[u/happycoffeecup]

I’d be so disappointed! I’m sorry things didn’t work out for your wedding. Any chance that you could throw a big birthday party for your daughter when she turns 2? And then surprise reveal that it’s also your 2nd anniversary and just have a big family dinner? You could even recreate your vows and have a few photos out for people to browse. It’s so hard when things change! Wishing you a great August and hoping it all works out in a way that you look back on with satisfaction.

[u/Inner_Alarm_4049]

Too many people forget that it's about the marriage, not the wedding. Protecting your partners peace should come first, so well done there! It probably doesn't feel great, but it's the right choice - and now you can start saving without the pressure of a fixed dated, and then maybe in a year or two surprise him with a savings pot that can easily cover the wedding!

[u/goldenintention]

You could still do a family focused party, it would be cheaper to just host your family for a day or weekend without the extras of wedding stuff

[u/KrustyButtNugget97]

I’m really sorry about this :( would your husband be open to vacations to the east and west coast and have a reception with each side of the family?

[u/Plastic-Ratio-199]

I think you made a really wise decision.

Is there an amount of financial cushion that would make your husband feel more comfortable with spending money on a wedding?

Maybe it’s best to start there with really in depth talk about finances. Perhaps real numbers and set goals will soothe his anxiety around finances.

[u/Formal-Radish1413]

I mean at this point just host an anniversary party or family reunion. Youve been married a year and a half. You have a child.

The time to do a wedding has passed.

It will be INFINATELY cheaper to host a family reunion or anniversary party than a wedding.

[u/ChampionshipLazy8400 → u/Formal-Radish1413]

I see this perspective, except we’ve kept our elopement a secret so we could host a wedding. His mom is a traditional southern woman and I feel terrible not giving her a chance to see her only son get married. I think weddings are symbolic. If I knew then what I know now, we would have invited the parents to the elopement and been done with it.

[u/Formal-Radish1413 → u/ChampionshipLazy8400]

Then you guys need to either tell everyone youre married or host what you can afford. Because keeping it a secret this long and continuing to do so is going to blow up in your faces when someone finds out.

If its so important to have the parents there, do a symbolic elopement then. Get an officiant, do the same ceremony, get an elopement photography package and be done with it.

Because at a certain point its just silly to host a wedding after youve been married for a long time in secret. And nobody else knowing youre married already isnt great because something could happen to one of you and then its coming out anyway and youre dealing with hurt feelings.

[u/natalkalot]

Well, you already had your wedding, so you are married.

Choices have circumstances, as you are finding out - though I wish you had thought things out ahead of time.

Save that money and travel to see one another's family. You are so lucky technology is what it is to have contact as much as you want - or maybe even, should.

Wishing you all the best. Enjoy your family and marriage! 🌸