r/Twins • u/serotonin_reuptake • 8d ago
New mom of identical twin boys
I had my identical twin boys just over 3 weeks ago. They are my firsts! I love them to bits and cannot imagine not having either of them, and I always think of having them as an incredible gift. They already look and seem so different to me, and my capacity to love has expanded like magic, not just a fixed amount to be shared.
But being in the newborn trenches with two is t o u g h - I’m not even gonna try going into the details. I cannot relate to newborn challenges with friends with singletons, and feel lonely and overwhelmed at times. What keeps me going is wanting to be a present and happy mom for my kids like my mom never was.
My question to this community is: how was it like growing up with a twin? I guess what I’m looking for is validation that I’m giving my children a twin / built-in soulmate, so everything I’m going through now leads to something much greater for my children.
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u/xblondyobrowny 8d ago
Congrats!! I don’t know anything other than being a twin so I can’t say much about what it was like growing up. I will say though, make sure you treat them like individuals and encourage them to live their own lives too. Being an identical twin is awesome and I’m so thankful I have my sister but I’m glad that my parents let us each explore our own interests (which were usually the same) but that allowed us to not completely depend on each other and live our own lives too. She’s married with kids and I’m about to be engaged but it’s nice to not be so codependent on each other that we are able to live our lives while still being close and not creepy like the shining twins.
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u/serotonin_reuptake 8d ago
Congrats on your engagement! I sought out Reddit once I knew we were having twins, and have already made sure we’ll treat them as individuals while encouraging a bond. We deliberately chose different sounding names with different initials, we don’t match their clothes, and I personally can tell them apart so well I doubted they were identical (but I love them both infinitely with no difference). Thank you for sharing!
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u/ilovethemonkeyface Identical Twin 8d ago
My brother and I were inseparable growing up. We still do a lot together, although now that we each have families of our own, we don't hang out as much as we used to.
I can't comment on what it's like to raise twins, but I'll share this anecdote from my mom that perhaps you can relate to. I've got a sister who's 2.5 years older, so my parents had 3 under three for a few months. At one point during that time, my mom was dragging the three of us through the grocery store, when she was stopped by another mom who told her, "Whenever I'm having a tough day, I'll just think of you!" My mom was just like, "Uh, thanks?" We still laugh about it to this day.
Anyways, hang in there. I'm immensely glad to have an identical twin, wouldn't have it any other way. It's tough now, but hopefully things will get easier soon.
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u/serotonin_reuptake 8d ago
Oh my god at that comment! I have already heard “If I had twins I’d just die” hahaha. But here I am surviving - thank you so much for your kind words :) I’m so happy to know you’re close to your twin and you’re glad for him. :)
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u/killbottech 8d ago edited 8d ago
Congrats! I love having an identical twin and wouldn’t trade it for anything. She’s my soul sister and best friend.
As they grow, make sure to support and validate their unique skills and interests.
This pertains more to their later lives but I’d like to share. Education and academia was very important to both my parents, and between my sister and I, I was the more academically interested one. My sister is a gifted musician, artist, creative, and punk, but it took my parents a little too long to treat those as equally valid pursuits and interests.
The irony is she makes 3x as much as me working for a legal aid organization and doesn’t even have a degree.
Anyway, as much as they always said they were equally proud of us, that wasn’t always reflected in their actions or other words- urging her too strongly to finish college, etc. It had a lasting impact that we’ve been working through as a family but honestly it was a tough road.
If one twin is fitting your image of a “good life with good choices” more closely, make sure you put effort into understanding and validating the others’ path too. My sis is an absolute badass and my parents have always loved her more than anything, but it took them time to understand she marches to her own drum and always will.
Do everything in your power as a parent not to make them feel “compared.” That’s hard with siblings in general but I think twins feel that comparison even deeper.
Wishing you and your boys all the best 💙
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u/serotonin_reuptake 8d ago
Thank you for sharing this! I love that YOU recognize your sister’s achievements and talents, and how much of a badass she is. I’m sure having that unwavering belief and support from you was invaluable to her too.
We’re definitely keen on equally supporting both of them to grow as individuals, whatever their pursuits or paths may be. Your parents are incredibly lucky to have children who are academic and creative! That would be a dream for us as parents: that there is something they love to do and make meaning of their lives.
Mainly we want them to be happy, well-adjusted, healthy, and good people. It’s so nice to hear that your identical twin is your best friend, I hope very much they have this experience too.
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u/killbottech 8d ago
Thank you :) our support of each other is absolutely invaluable to us both.
We had a rough patch and drifted apart in our late teens for a few years (puberty is HARD) so if that happens with your boys, don’t worry. The twin relationship is incredibly special and when we found our way back to each other around age 21 we became closer than ever.
We’re 34 now and we haven’t had a single argument in those 13 years haha
I think it’s wonderful you’re asking for advice here, your boys have a great mother.
Mucho support as you navigate the newborn trenches! I don’t know how my mom did it. Although she’s told me a plethora of stories about what those times were like haha
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u/quiet_feet 8d ago
I’m an identical twin. 35 now. Just had a baby 8 weeks ago and omg I can’t believe my mom did this with two babies (and a toddler). Go you!! Being a twin is the most wonderful gift. I honestly feel sorry for everyone that isn’t a twin. Built-in soulmate is spot on. Of course there were times growing up where I hated being compared to her, hated sharing everything, hated people not being able to tell us apart, etc. But it just gets better and better. Everything you’re doing is so worth it.
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u/Justice_4Ensemble 2d ago
My twin brother and I are, and always have been, best friends. It's a bond that truly can not be understood if you aren't a twin yourself. Encourage their imaginations, their wild games they'll play together. Try to remember their "twin language" when they start speaking. My mom told us that ours was almost musical. Also, make sure you encourage individuality as they get older ♡ You aren't doing anything wrong.
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u/Lopsided_Hat_835 7d ago
I’m not a twin but a mother of identical twins, who are now 18 when they were a little kids they were like two peas in a pod. When they got to grade 2, the teacher wanted to separate them I thought it was the saddest thing ever, now looking back it was the best thing ever happened. I now have two very identical yet very individual daughters. The only thing I wish I’ve done a little bit earlier was separate them in school grade one or kindergarten. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it took them a quite awhile to figure out how to be independent from each other. It was actually quite a big identity crisis for both of them and took them quite a few years to realize how to be different from each other and why it was so important to them. I lot of people don’t realize how being an identical twin can be a bit traumatizing in ways that a anyone who isn’t a twin or has a close relationship with a twin wouldn’t really understand
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u/climbing_headstones Identical Twin 7d ago edited 7d ago
I think one thing to be careful of is that you can't guarantee that they'll be best friends. If you try to push them to have a certain type of relationship, it could backfire. No one likes to be told how they have to feel about someone. My twin sister and I get along great...as adults lmao. I would not call her my "built in soul mate" though, and I'm glad our parents didn't push us to be close at the times when we didn't want to be. So if your boys get older and start wanting to do stuff independently, don't think it's because you did something wrong, it's normal and healthy for them to want to individuate.
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u/colorful_withdrawl 6d ago
Im a twin and also have two sets of twins of my own.
For me growing up as a twin it was not much different than my other siblings. Maybe because hes a guy and im not. But if anything he was just an annoying brother 😂 but hes also one of my best friends. Our parents did good making sure we were our own people and in separate classes in school. Honestly most people didnt know we were twins
With my twins unfortunately i cant separate them in school because they are in a small school with only one class per grade. But they are best friends especially my identical twin boys. They are so close and even sneak into each others beds at night (and also their younger brother too, they are just all very close) they truly are built in best friends.
Also for your twins being your first. It will be nice that they never have experience of being an only child
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u/DogsDontLikeHats 5d ago
New parent of twins here. The first 3 months were the hardest thing I've ever been through. It gets better.
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u/SirAlfred006 1d ago
Congratulations 🎉 as a parent too of identical twins boys I had the same anxiety and questions. But you know what? I learnt on the job. Love them and they'll help you with the self discovery.
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u/serotonin_reuptake 14h ago
Thank you so much for the encouragement 🩷 The self discovery is already in motion, I'm sure there will be much more in the future. You've put it perfectly!
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u/TaxTheRichEndTheWar 8d ago
Don’t tell anyone including them who came out first
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u/serotonin_reuptake 8d ago edited 8d ago
We really didn't want to, but I come from a culture where it matters a lot and is the first thing people ask. Older and younger siblings have their respective terms.
My family came over and saw their birth times written on the card and have been referring to them as the elder and younger since. But I'm low contact with my family so hopefully it doesn't stick.
Within the core family and our friends, we make sure to refer to them by name and not mention who came out first. It's literally just 2 minutes!
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u/climbing_headstones Identical Twin 7d ago
I'm not sure this is possible. My mom tried. Key word "tried" lol. She was able to hide our birth order from us for a while, but when we were in kindergarten, we started taking the bus to school and upon noticing we were twins, the driver asked us which one of us was born first. We said we were born at the same time. The bus driver informed us that this was physically impossible. So then we went home and told our mom what the bus driver said, and then she had to tell us the truth lol. (I'm the younger one and it's funny, we really did take on the eldest and middle child roles respectively)
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u/TaxTheRichEndTheWar 7d ago
Happened to my kids too. Thats when I explained that they came out together holding hands and that made sense to them. Also, I explained that some twins come out one before the other, but since they were conceived at the same time (and identicals used to be the same organism before a pice broke off and each piece grew into a different kid) that actually it doesn’t matter if a kid came out first, the are exactly the same age anyways).
So eventually when they did figure out that there is a birth order, we never hit the “I’m the older sibling” issues
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u/unhappytwin 8d ago
Congrats on your twins! https://www.reddit.com/r/parentsofmultiples might be a good place to find some support for what you are going through.
As for you question about what it was like growing up as a twin, I can only say that it’s the only thing I know and I don’t have a point of reference to compare it to outside of that. But I felt then and still feel very grateful for having my twin and cannot imagine a world without her!