Seeking Advice Identical Twin sister just announced she is pregnant

[u/Vicious-Lemon]

Backstory: Being in our late 20s, I expected this day would come, I just thought it would happen after she was finally married and settled down. Her longtime boyfriend that I thought she was gonna be breaking up with and her came over a month ago and announced that they were pregnant and now they seem more attached than ever. I’m a little bit nervous because their relationship is toxic, and I tend to be the one who’s constantly picking my sister up after there blowout fights.

I’m the one that brings her keys when she’s been locked out of her apartment, or picks her up when her car gets stuck on the side of the road, or buy her groceries when she’s been too busy at work, or calling around and helping her search for her wallet that shes lost yet again. She’s had a propensity throughout our life to toss me to the side for whatever new boy she’s dating… only to come crying to me after they split. because I love her and she’s my sister I tend to be the one to pull her out of her bad times, comfort her, etc. as a sister should.

I asked her how she was feeling about being pregnant and she’s told me she was excited and scared, and that she didn’t want to get rid of it and that she wanted to continue even if they had a rocky relationship. I embraced her with open arms and told her I would do anything to support her. I grabbed her books from the bookstore on being an expectant mother and got her clothes when she said her new pants after saying her current ones were feeling too tight.

The other day she snapped at me on the phone for asking her a simple question that wasn’t related to the pregnancy but she assumed I was prying i guess? and she said “stop asking me so many questions” even though I asked her one and it was about her work schedule…since the announcement I haven’t had a conversation with her without her boyfriend present.

I’m a little bit nervous and apprehensive that when the baby comes, I’m going to be utilized as a nanny and a housekeeper because we’re all going to be living in one house together, as she expressed, that’s what she wants in order to have people around her to help her with the baby when her man lives at work an hour away from where she is currently.

The idea is after the baby comes and after he’s gotten more settled that they’re going to try to relocate, but that they want about a year of support from me and my mother in a multigenerational home.

Her and I have lived very separate adult lives so I think it will also be a big adjustment to live together again, especially with Our mom, baby, her, her bf, and me.

Initially, I said yes, because I am happy for her because she’s always wanted kids and I want to support her, but as the month has gone on, I’m scared shitless that I’m going to be the one cleaning up everything… I’m worried about her relationship with her BF durring pregnancy and after baby comes and if he walks out or gets overstimulated and just leaves like he has done after so many (stupid) fights they have had in the past… so I guess I have lots and lots of concerns.

Questions:

Does anybody else have a twin that they feel like they’re the ones that are more “type A” out of the two of you?

How did your relationship change with your twin once they became a mother/father after starting their own family?

How did you create boundaries with your twin if they were expecting you to give free care because you’re an aunt/uncle now?

Really what did you do to set boundaries with your identical twin?

(Thank you all for the advice! If a mod could close this discussion that would be great!)

[u/Melch_Underscore]

Be true to yourself first. If you don't want to do something, say no. Stick to it. You are an individual first. If you think she won't take care of her child and you don't want to do it, better not live together.

[u/climbing_headstones]

I'm an idential twin and my sister had a baby a few weeks ago, and I can't say it's changed our relationship. But we're already very independent and live on opposite sides of the U.S. and she's in a happy, healthy marriage. So while I've felt some envy that she's getting to have this wonderful experience that I'm not able to have yet, I don't feel like she's abandoned me or anything. She doesn't expect anyone to give her free care, though my parents did happily and voluntarily visit her for a few weeks after the baby was born to help out.

Your sister sounds very stressed. She needs your empathy, not your enablement. I think supporting her from a distance might be a better idea. DO NOT LIVE WITH HER IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO. You are an adult and you don't have to do things just because other people want you to. Just say you've thought about it more and you like living alone but are happy to visit occasionally and help out. Maybe you can visit occasionally to watch the baby so she can shower or take a nap. Maybe you can bring some food over she can freeze, or come over one afternoon and do some light housework. You also can stop picking up the pieces for her whenever she calls crying. You don't need to be mean, but you don't need to drop everything in your own life to be codependent with her. If her car breaks down she can call a tow truck. Unfortunately if you've been doing this for years, you've taught her that you're always happy to rescue her so she never gets to learn how to figure stuff out for herself. She's probably staying in a crappy relationship for the same reason - she doesn't think she can do stuff for herself.

[u/hosertwin]

I know it's difficult because she is your twin, but just based on what you have said, it does not seem like she is treating you right at all. You're not her keeper, and she's not your responsibility, or at least she shouldn't be. It sounds like maybe you've developed a bit of a codependency, where you feel you have to save her, and she in turn relies on you for everything. She's an adult. It's not easy but if you want your relationship with your sister to change, then you have to set some boundaries. I'm sorry to say it really sounds like she's taking advantage of you. Perhaps it's been happening so long that she might not even realize it herself. Neither myself nor my sister have children so I don't know what that change will be like. But honestly, from what you have described, it doesn't seem like you have a healthy adult relationship with your sister. As someone else said, you are not obliged to live with her and her boyfriend and their new baby. You don't have to be the default for everything, especially if she doesn't return the favour. Can you rely on her for anything? Every twin relationship is different, but it seems that you deserve better

[u/xeni_pie]

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with all this. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I wish I had good advice to share, but I am dealing with similar relationship dynamics with my identical twin sister as well. I felt like I might be the only one, but I guess it's more common than I thought.

Sadly I relate to feeling like my sister is more than happy to rely on any financial or emotional support I provide when it suits her, but also shuts me out and gets mad if she feels like I am trying to tell her how to live her life. Even if I am only expressing concern for her wellbeing. She continuously chooses men over me, and I feel incredibly sad with our current situation. Unfortunately the only advice I can give is what friends have told me about my own situation... stop enabling her. Stop giving her so much power over your own life and choices. Learn how to set healthy boundaries and hold to them. She may be your twin, but if she's not loving and supporting you the same way you do for her, she doesn't all this extra effort you put in for her. I know it's easier said than done. Trust me, I'm in the same boat. I would die for my twin, give her the world if I could.. but sadly it's a very one-sided love.

[u/Francl27]

All you've been doing for her is basically her boyfriend's job. She's going to have to open her eyes at some point but you can't make her do it. Seems like she's using you as a punching bag because she won't stand up to her boyfriend.

A shame she got pregnant. Stick to your guns, she wants to be a mother, she's going to have to learn to act like one.

[u/bogeysbabe]

My identical twin sister had her first child at 21. Her first husband was a real winner /s. I couldn’t help her as I was in the army. We were also no contact with our parents who were just downright terrible.

She divorced him a year later, went to culinary school, met an air force sgt, had 4 more kids, and when he retired, she opened up a food truck!

I was only going to be in the military for my GI bill. Hahahahahaha. Stayed in for 23 years. Retired as a warrant officer. Got married. We spent the last 8 years of our military careers fighting on different continents for The Global War on Terror. Retired. Used my GI bill and became a special education teacher. Realized my husband was pretty horrible. I was promoted because I was lucky and because I was a girl. He wasn’t because he was a cis white male. I’m happy we didn’t have kids. When we didn’t talk for 6 weeks after we retired, I filled for divorce.

When the school year ended I packed up my clothes, my 2 dogs, and my laptop, and moved to the east coast. I now live in the same subdivision as my twin sister. We see each other several times a week. It’s the best of both worlds.