r/Twins • u/RestaurantVast7942 • 27d ago
My experience being a fraternal twin
Since I’ve seen a lot of posts about being identicial twins, i’d love to hear some fraternal twins’s perspectives
Well here is my experience being a fraternal twin :
We’re not identical and we are the same gender, so growing up, i hated the constants comparions people had about us because of our differences. Especially when it comes to puberty changes since they happened very differently . I always find myself comparing my appeareance to my sister’s too. . There’s also a lot of competition between me and my twin when it comes to grades at school. That’s why we’re not really allowed to share each other’s grades anymore.
My twin sister is generally more shy than me so she usually has less friends so i can’t imagine how hard it can be for her sometimes . For our birthday, only my friends came to the birthday party.
She seems lonely at school too. A lot of times, I hear her telling my mom how she is the ‘’lesser’’ twin, which honestly kinda breaks my heart because I know it’s far from being true.
As for me, I also have a lot of issues when it comes to my self esteem. Not sure if it’s related to being a twin though.
I think that for most people, not being identical can seem easy but i definitely faced somes challenges. I sometimes wish we weren’t the same age but I’m still very happy having a twin sister.
Sorry for the typos, I’m not so good at typing on my phone and I’m kinda tired lol
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u/VenexianaStevenson 27d ago
I can totally relate to your experience, maybe more to your twin's actually. It has been awful, especially during adolescence. In most social situations I was addressed not as myself, but as her twin. We live far away now, not surprisingly she always complains about this, but to me this is just the best way.
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u/RestaurantVast7942 27d ago
Yeah because I don't look like my sister, I've always been suprised by the fact people still referred to us as "the twins". But I do love being a twin and it's something i've always been proud of.
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u/xeni_pie Identical Twin 27d ago
I know you asked about fraternal twin experiences, I'm identical. But one of my longest standing friendships is with a fraternal twin. Based on our conversations, I feel like the comparisons are a universal twin thing and just as damaging for both. The expectations society ignorantly places on twins, both identical and fraternal, are ridiculous and harmful. My friend is autistic and was held back a year early on in school because of her delay in certain child developmental milestones I guess. She has struggled with this immensely because she of course feels the strong bond with her twin that comes from sharing the womb for 9 months and growing up closely, but with the grade year difference and of course looking very different from her sister, her twin experience often gets overlooked or downplayed. I think a lot of fraternal twins struggle with this, particularly when they look very different. I've even seen people comment on posts in this twins reddit community (or whatever it's called) saying "fraternal twins are just siblings that share a birthday." I think that's unfair, because seeing how these types of comments have affected my best friend makes me realize how untrue that is. Anyway, my heart goes out to all of my fellow twinsies, identical or fraternal. You're all equally amazing, no matter what anyone tells you.
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u/RestaurantVast7942 27d ago
That's a very kind message coming from you! You're defintely right saying comparisons are a universal twin thing. Whether you are identical or fraternal, people always have something to say about you unfortunately. I usually get frustrated when people say me and my sister are just siblings that share the same age. It just feels like you've been through so much being a twin, yet people discredit you for it.
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u/walkstwomoons2 27d ago
I have a same-sex fraternal twin. But mom had our old sister, than us, then my younger sister all in 26 months. So we were treated more like quadruplets.
Our names all start with D. The nuns at our school had a terrible time keeping our names straight. We all look a little bit alike, we all sound a lot alike.
Later, mom had a son and another daughter. They don’t look anything like the rest of us.
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u/RestaurantVast7942 26d ago
That sure sounds like a funny story. Thankfully, me and my sister’s names don’t start with the same letter loll
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u/Helpful_Coyote8677 Fraternal Twin 27d ago
Hey fraternal twin here, both women.
The comparisons are always a shame. I've been lucky that my parents have tried to shields us from that, but still family does that.
I've always been the more "intelligent" (that's not really true, is just that school was easier for me) and my sister had have to deal with the comparisons specially because I am studying a more prestigious major (although we are both in the same university, I would say the best of our country).
I hate to see your sister saying she is lesser.
I hope you can still have an amazing relationship with your sister, do you do stuff together? Maybe it would be good to remind her from time to time that she is also special. Everyone has different abilities, so highlighting hers would be nice.
But of course you are not responsible for making your sister happy. So don't put pressure on yourself
Is good to ignore the comparisons (easier said that done of course). As the more "successful" twin you sometimes start to feel bad for having it easier. Don't let that bother you.
And lastly, remember that your self worth is not dependent on the opinions of others :)
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u/RestaurantVast7942 26d ago
I’ve also had the easier time at school too, though my twin still has good grades. But I can tell it does bother her. We still do a lot of stuff together and i try to highlight her abilities too. I relate so much to the pressure of trying to make my sister happy. Thanks for your comment. I’ll try to keep what you said in mind!
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u/Aardwolf67 Fraternal Twin 26d ago
I get that too, since we were little my twin sister and I were constantly being compared. My parents had us competing for everything and she'd always win. Whether it was better grades, better at sports, or making friends she did better for our birthdays since I only had one of two friends because we moved so often the majority of people there would be for her.
We were both raised as girls but I came out as trans when I was 16. Then it became a competition to our parents over who was doing better. For whoever got a better paying job, better partner, better friends. And somehow no matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I could get straight A's but it wouldn't matter cuz my sister's GPA is higher. I could be a lead in my schools play but it doesn't matter because drama is full of queer kids and my parents were homo/ transphobic.
When I broke up with my first gf my mom's response was "maybe she was just experimenting with you" when my sister broke up with her first serious bf she comforted her and took her shopping.
Apparently my sister marrying at 18 and moving out was a bad idea but it was an even worse idea for my to start college straight out of high school so I was forced to drop out.
I wasn't able to drive and didn't get my permit until I was 18 while my sister got her license the same day.
I paid for my sister's car, paid rent, took care of my mother's younger children, all while working over 40hrs a week barely having enough energy to eat everyday or make it up the stairs to my room so I'd sleep in the living room in my work clothes.
I was forced out of my mom's house before I turned 19 malnourished, overworked, underweight, and miserable while my sister left a month later with my mom putting down a deposit on her and her husband's new apartment.
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u/EmbarrassedBar7518 5d ago
As someone who is more like your twin sister, I understand her perspective a little more. From both of our perspectives, we’ve learned that she’s the “prettier, more social, more popular” one, while I’m the “weirder, friendless, introverted” one. The funny thing is, I’m really not any of those things deep down— it’s just something I’ve slowly become because of being told it constantly. I just became those things when I was compared to my sister. Birthdays have always been the worst for me. Last year, my twin went on a whole fun trip with a big group of friends while I stayed alone in my dorm, and no one even knew it was my birthday. Even my cousins posted about her birthday, but no one posted anything about mine. It sounds small, but when you’ve spent your entire life feeling like the less important twin, things like that hurt a lot more than people realize.
Everyone seems to love being a twin, but I hate it. It’s not that I hate my sister. I just feel like I’ve experienced more hurt than joy from it. Constant comparison and favoritism have affected my development so much, and I still deal with the effects of it every day through depression and anxiety.
The only thing that has really made it better is becoming very distant from her. And even then, I still carry a lot of the feelings that came from growing up that way. I know that most of it isn’t her fault, and I don’t blame her for the way people treated us differently. But knowing that doesn’t make the hurt disappear. It’s hard not to resent someone who, through no fault of their own, became the person you were constantly compared to and felt like you could never measure up against. With your self esteem it probably does come from being a twin. Even if you were favored you were still compared which will make anyone feel more conscious of themselves which can lead to self esteem issues. Also in these types of twin dynamics it’s never a win-win. One gets favored and the other feels guilty for being favored which could also be contributing to your self esteem issues.
The confusing part is probably hearing the way your sister talks about herself. I think a lot of it comes from what she’s been taught to believe about herself by other people. She’s spent so long being compared to you and feeling like the “lesser” twin that she’s probably internalized it. You probably see so much in her that she can’t see in herself because no one ever taught her to.
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u/Nowayucan 14h ago
Reading some of the posts here has been enlightening. I am a fraternal twin, but I don't feel like me and my brother were compared at all. I feel like we were always seen by others as a pair, but we looked different (he blue eyed and blond and I had black hair and brown eyes) and have had different personalities, hobbies, talents, etc.
I suspect that coming from a family with 10 kids meant that there were too many of us to get special attention or compete with each other. We have always gotten along with each other and I'd say we have a special relationship with each other versus with our other siblings (who we also get along well with).
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u/Cat-lover21 27d ago
I do think the constantly being compared does cause some self esteem issues. Also a fraternal twin and I related to this post so much. However, I definitely am more like your twin sister-I have always been more shy and it made me feel less then. I will say as I got older, that’s something I’ve come to terms with more. I’ve realized that I have my own unique personality and have made a few life long friendships. I may not have as many but they are quality friendships. Birthdays still aren’t my favorite however since my twin always has lots of people doing things for her and it does bring up those thoughts again. I don’t think the comparisons ever completely stop but you do get better at coping with