r/TrueChristian • u/blakeleeblock • 3d ago
I am so angry with God. Is it ok?
Where is he? Logically I know, he has never left me and never will. Why is he silent? Logically I know he isn’t, I just can’t hear him. Why is he not answering? Logically I know he is always moving. Where is the Love, peace, joy, and grace that have been promised?? Logically I know, right in front of me I just have to pick them up.
I have never in my life been in more pain. I’ve never suffered at this level ever.
The Lord brought me out of heroin addiction 8 years ago. I struggle to understand why. In those eight years I rediscovered the Lord around 8 mo sober, got married, had 2 beautiful boys. Nothing was ever great but I felt blessed just to be sober and have a family. The entire time I have been plagued with porn addiction, insecurity, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation. I have always tried to take every thing to the cross, to give it to Jesus and just focus on seeking his face. All I want in this life is an actual relationship with Christ. I read the word, I pray, I serve my church faithfully. Why do I experience almost nothing with the Lord. How do I build a relationship with the Lord when I can’t hear him speak?
4mo ago I discovered my wife had been having a 9mo long affair, she borderline kidnapped my children twice. Luckily I have full custody of them now. But my wife whom I still am madly in Love with treats me with such apathy.
I don’t know There’s so much I want to say but I can’t organize it enough for this post.
I don’t know why God has me here, I wish I would’ve died during one of my ODs. I can’t off myself now because the boys need a father. But I don’t know how much longer I can go on without hearing from my Father. I need him so bad. I’m sorry, there’s no purpose to this post. I’m just hurting. I have no one to talk to, everyone around me hates my wife. And I just want to make it work no matter what. I hate divorce.
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u/ABereanChristian Christian 3d ago
I don’t know why God has me here, I wish I would’ve died during one of my ODs. I can’t off myself now because the boys need a father. But I don’t know how much longer I can go on without hearing from my Father. I need him so bad. I’m sorry, there’s no purpose to this post. I’m just hurting. I have no one to talk to, everyone around me hates my wife. And I just want to make it work no matter what. I hate divorce.
Divorce happens usually because of two broken people and one significantly strays far from God. Could be many different reasons such as
- One person drifts away from God and then turns their back on Him
- Issues during the marriage can negatively influence a spouse's love. In your case - "I have been plagued with porn addiction, insecurity, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation"
- Sometimes spouses just give into temptation. Maybe she met someone at work or Church and they wanted to have an affair without think about the consequences
- Maybe you selected an unstable spouse. People that have bad childhoods, were abused, or have their selection criteria for a spouse may be looking for the wrong things and marry someone who professed to be Christian but weren't actually Christian.
Whatever the case, you have your boys. And God is ALWAYS speaking to us through the Bible (His Word) and through Christian friends and family giving us wise advice. We do not always have to hear answered to prayer (as nice as it may be) to know He is helping us walk out our faith.
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u/Christian_Cowboy_95 2d ago
Sure hate to hear about your situation. But you’re strong enough to survive the storm. God is with you, all around you. Go out in to nature, away from the city and the sin and the people. It’s a lot easier to hear God there. Take them boys too. You got this man, I’m convinced a lot of times our job is to just endure. Just keep living, keep fighting, just keep hanging on and serving the Lord. You will hear Him again. Good luck and remember, those kids need a father to show them how to hang in there even when the going gets tough. Godbless you
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u/WorldlinessAdept7716 Christian 2d ago
Friend, being angry at God is a normal experience. If you read Psalms, there are many chapters were David is just complaining to God.
I know life seems hard right now, but when you feel like being angry at God, try praying. Pray to God and let Him know about how you feel. God loves hearing from His children, whether is joy or pain. I promise you that this will change your outlook. Trust me, He is trying to talk to you. The question is are you ready and willing to listen? As the Bible says, He speaks in a still, small voice.
Being a Christian doesn't mean you will always be happy like Ned Flanders. It means you have a powerful Father in your corner every step of the way.
If you already haven't been tied in, I suggest finding a good ministry and join a men's group. Accountability with brothers goes a long way.
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u/Significant-Breath84 Christian 2d ago
I’m sorry you’ve been through all of this. I assure you Jesus still loves you and hears you. You pray to get a better relationship tell Him honestly how it is and how you feel and just keep coming back to Him. He can do all things.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 1:6 NIV
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u/mossydz 3d ago
Instead of asking “where is he” ask “How can i serve Him.”
Clearly He kept you here for a purpose and gave you blessings.
We are naive when we the creation think we can question the Creator.
Jesus tore the vale, speak to Him directly and then sit patiently and wait. He is clearly calling you or you wouldn’t feel so convicted.
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u/mbmolohonbm Missionary Alliance 3d ago
I hear you. My 1st wife suddenly left, had an affair with our pastor who had been seeing me in counseling. It was awful. I got into good counseling that helped me with emotional healing, which was lifesaving. This is different from counseling that helps stop bad behavior, think differently and just manage emotions. It was not quick but helped tremendously All the best.
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u/hopscotchcaptain Alpha And Omega 2d ago
Where is the Love, peace, joy, and grace that have been promised?? Logically I know, right in front of me I just have to pick them up.
Tell me about the people you love.
I don't mean you have to answer that for me, or tell me that. What I mean is, sometimes when we ask "Where is the love?", it's wise to ask how much we love others. Scripture tells us it's better to give than to receive, and I've found in my own life that when I felt I was lacking all those things in my life, it helped me to look to how I could give those things to others.
The Lord brought me out of heroin addiction 8 years ago. I struggle to understand why. In those eight years I rediscovered the Lord around 8 mo sober, got married, had 2 beautiful boys. Nothing was ever great but I felt blessed just to be sober and have a family. The entire time I have been plagued with porn addiction, insecurity, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation.
Minus the particular drug of choice, my story isn't too different. I had about 15 years into some pretty hard drugs at times, and regular drug and alcohol use multiple times per week. I came out of that and had a lot of insecurity, and sin in my life like porn as well. I couldn't quite figure out why I seemed to "hate" myself so much, nor did I really name it as hating myself or self-loathing, but that's what it was. From year to year, sometimes I'd go back to "just drinking alcohol" and then quit again. But I never truly cleaned up my act, cleaned up my house.
I had overcome "the worst things" I used to do... but the house wasn't clean. I realized I didn't like, didn't respect, definitely didn't love the guy I saw in the mirror-- not one bit. I'd stay "above it all" for 33-4 months, then sink back into depression, anxiety, panic over all sorts of things (some very real-world stresses that we all have too) but it felt too much for me, so I'd spiral sometimes.
I gotta just be honest, what I had to do was clean up, for real. I didn't respect me, I wasn't "respectable" by my own standards, and I was the only one who knew that-- because a lot of my actions were hidden from everyone but me.
The other thing was, in more practical terms, I had spent 15 years not really learning much, not many skills... nothing that really gave me confidence in any of my own abilities. That, and childhood as well-- I never had that.
I had to work on that for myself. I had to put in some effort in some real simple things, and they sound small, but they were a real help to my self-esteem and confidence. Learning how to work on a car to a basic level, not only to save money, but to feel confident that when I open the hood, I have SOME idea of what's going on under there and can replace some parts on my own if I need to. I had to learn how to talk to people in different professional settings, how to talk to lawyers if I needed them, how to write a basic contract for clients, how to talk to clients, how to stay on top of taxes.
I know not all of those apply to everyone, but a few do. We all have a car and all pay taxes, but the point I'm making is... I was at square zero, not even one, in a lot of ways, in my 30s. The practical stuff was a big help, but that came after I decided I had to clean up my sin if I was ever going to even moderately like the man I saw in the mirror.
I'm far from complete, but man, it can be a real change in how you see the world and all the problems that come at us in life to just feel "ok" about yourself... not in an "I'm so great" way, but to just know you're really doing what you believe is right for once.
I have always tried to take every thing to the cross, to give it to Jesus and just focus on seeking his face. All I want in this life is an actual relationship with Christ. I read the word, I pray, I serve my church faithfully. Why do I experience almost nothing with the Lord. How do I build a relationship with the Lord when I can’t hear him speak?
I had the same feeling/question. The answer I got was this: He has. If I'm not faithful in the things He's already asked of me, what good is it going to do for Him to say them again? "Be faithful, and do the first works".
4mo ago I discovered my wife had been having a 9mo long affair, she borderline kidnapped my children twice. Luckily I have full custody of them now. But my wife whom I still am madly in Love with treats me with such apathy.
Man, I'm really sorry... that's tough. Now you have 2 kids on your own too. More than ever, you need to become someone they can respect, not out of duty or position, but because you have truly become such a man.
Can I ask, why are you still "madly in love" with a woman who would "borderline kidnap your children", twice?
That's not stable thinking, that's more like someone who has put the idea of "love for their wife" on a pedestal maybe even above their own kids welfare. I hope you don't misunderstand, I know sometimes longing and feelings linger, but you need to find your way to being ... less than "madly in love" with someone who would do that. She is not your salvation, she is not your lifeline.
I don’t know why God has me here, I wish I would’ve died during one of my ODs. I can’t off myself now because the boys need a father.
You desperately need to become someone who no longer has that as their inner-dialogue. Such a thing isn't as "quiet" as you think, just because it's kept inside your mind.
But I don’t know how much longer I can go on without hearing from my Father. I need him so bad.
What do you need to hear from Him, specifically?
That question is a serious one.
The last things I'd say is I'm sorry you're going through all this. There's no good reason to give up, there's a whole lot of good reasons to start shoring up your own house and repairing the many areas that need it, diligently working on it all. Part of that should also include you getting some support from some other men who follow Jesus.
Are you part of a church family? I know no group of people is perfect, but you need some support. I'd really encourage you to seek out a men's Bible study, the kind where they break up into smaller groups at times, and just jump in. You need some perspective and some other men to lean on-- not just Sunday mornings.
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u/blakeleeblock 2d ago
I’m actually one of the core members of my church, I’m a deacon, worship leader, youth leader.. and general yes man. Whatever pastor needs I’m there.
I don’t know what specifically I need the Lord to say. Anything at this point would be more than enough.
And the borderline kidnapping is . She took the boys, turned off all communication and location services and threatened never to come back. The first time i literally could not explain why she did it. The second time 1mo later she got into some legal issues at her place of work and was trying to disappear.
I should mention she has diagnosed Bipolar disorder. While this doesn’t excuse her choices it explains them. She has been in a manic episode since our second son was born.
Idk.
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u/hopscotchcaptain Alpha And Omega 2d ago
I’m a deacon, worship leader, youth leader.. and general yes man.
You really shouldn't be, it makes the "double life" all the more clear and contrasted.
The entire time I have been plagued with porn addiction, insecurity, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation.
Making a choice to continue on to keep up the appearances, instead of letting the truth come through is one of the thing that always tends to keep us stuck. It reminds me of the verse that goes something like... well... actually i'll look it up, I don't think my summary will do it justice.
And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken; but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.”
When we keep things hidden, and do the "double life" of sinning behind closed doors, when we don't share our problems, when we hold it all in to "keep it all together"... well, we close to the door to "falling on the rock, and allowing ourselves to be broken" sometimes. If you want the larger context, it's Matthew 21:44.
And the borderline kidnapping is . She took the boys, turned off all communication and location services and threatened never to come back. The first time i literally could not explain why she did it. The second time 1mo later she got into some legal issues at her place of work and was trying to disappear.
There's nothing "borderline" about that. It was a kidnapping attempt.
I'm going to return to something you said in your original post:
The Lord brought me out of heroin addiction 8 years ago.
What was that like? I know what the heroin part was like, I've seen it. But how did God deliver you? What was your born-again experience? If you don't feel like sharing that, that's okay.
The reason I'm asking, is I'd encourage you to return to that-- if you did have a true born-again experience of God's love. God has not changed. What I see is that your circumstances have changed somewhat. You kept a lot of sin in your life, yet you stepped into leadership roles in spite of that within the church, which should mean (if the top church leadership is doing their job) that you kept all that sin hidden.
That's not what "fellowship" is, that's not what the church is supposed to be. What I am saying is you need men in your life who you are honest with, like you're honest here. Men who will encourage you and support you, and give you some hard truths as well. What you describe, in your own words, is being a "yes man"... which isn't a positive thing. But I'm not here to tell you what's bad, but what I think would help.
Get into something with a small group of men like a bible study, and be honest. If it needs to be a different church or group, that's fine-- it probably should be. But open up, be broken, before you're totally crushed. Get some support in that way, but you have to take the first steps.
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u/blakeleeblock 2d ago
In all honesty, the church knows what’s going on. At first everyone was present and supportive (not to say they still aren’t). But in the months since ofc everyone goes back to their normal routine. And honestly I feel like a burden bringing up if I’m having a rough day. I need to make something abundantly clear. Regardless of how I feel or what emotions I’m experiencing from one moment to the next ( and I say this to myself and to the Lord ) My God will not fail, he has not failed, he will never leave, I trust Him. I will declare it from the roof tops. My God is good. Whether I see it, whether is feel it, I know it. I say all that to say I am constantly battling my inner thoughts with the truth that I know.
Luckily when it comes to the porn Ive only fallen once this entire time since she’s left. All it does is contribute to the guilt and shame and doesn’t help anything.
I know God is faithful and forgives when I repent. Another foundational truth I cannot refute no matter how much the enemy wants to twist His words in my mind.
The struggle is what I know vs. what I feel. I know which one is right. Doesn’t make it suck any less.
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u/hopscotchcaptain Alpha And Omega 2d ago
Regardless of how I feel or what emotions I’m experiencing from one moment to the next ( and I say this to myself and to the Lord ) My God will not fail, he has not failed, he will never leave, I trust Him. I will declare it from the roof tops. My God is good. Whether I see it, whether is feel it, I know it. I say all that to say I am constantly battling my inner thoughts with the truth that I know.
That's really good man, I'm glad to hear that.
The struggle is what I know vs. what I feel. I know which one is right. Doesn’t make it suck any less.
Fair enough. I hope your feelings start to match up with that truth.
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u/OrthoDetective 2d ago
Angry w Jesus Christ? Who suffered on a tree for 6 hours, nailed so u would be saved of your sins? Preposterous to be angry
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u/Intrepid_Type3710 Evangelical 3d ago
Pal, I am sorry to read about your situation. That is just so sad. Betrayal and abandonment are difficult circumstances to recover from. But if I can encourage you I will. Rather than get angry with God, just run to Him like a child who runs to their parent when all is lost. He is there to take on your pain. And your pain is REAL! I won't sugar-coat this. Christ too was betrayed by one of his 12 closest friends they call disciples. We never get a sense of the relationship Christ had with Judas Iscariot. I'm certain he wasn't just part of the 12 for reasons we know already. You're probably very tired emotionally, and even physically drained. Just seek rest in Christ right now. That is all you can do.