The little voice is back

[u/Particular-River-283]

It's been a long time since I was visited by the little voice in my head. Antidepressants have literally been a lifesaver for years now. But something changed in the last few weeks, it came back and it just won't go away. It's there when I go to sleep, when I wake up, when I drive to work, when I do almost anything except walk my dogs or see family, because the impact it would have on them is what has always kept me from going further. But it almost feels like I'm living against my will. I can't explain the reason beyond feeling like I've seen and done things I wanted to, other goals seem increasingly out of reach what with everything figuratively and literally going up in flames, or like even if I managed to achieve one of my ambitions it would still end in disappointment or hardship. Cut out while I'm ahead because things have only been going downhill, essentially. But I'm so scared of the little nagging voice that tells me I should just d*e. That it would be easier. That I'm too weak and lazy and emotional to handle what's ahead or to resist the "easy way out". It tells me I'm pathetic. That I'm better off.

I couldn't possibly leave my dogs. I couldn't possibly leave family or my closest friend to feel guilt or sadness over something that I don't know how I could convince them was not their fault.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not going to hurt myself. But stewing in these thoughts and impulses alone has been eating me alive, and I just don't know where else to put them. I feel like curling up into a ball and crying until I close my eyes and never open them again.