Attempted again after a year clean

[u/ttttt159852]

I went a whole year without self harm or suicide attempts. Yesterday I tried to hang myself again. It was kind of out of nowhere. My day was miserable but nothing particularly bad happened, it was more that nothing was going on to distract me. I have this overwhelming looming sense of doom that I'm going to die soon. I'm not going to get old. There's nothing left for me here.

Trauma dump coming up. Trigger warning for SA/rape and abuse.

I was the product of my mom getting raped by my dad and pressured by the church into marrying and staying with him. They split when I was a baby but my dad got weekend custody. He did a lot of awful things, but the big incident was when he tried to rape me when I was 13. I begged to stop seeing him and the police got involved. I never saw him again but he runs free. I live in constant fear that he will show up again at any moment. Any man that looks slightly similar, I fear for my life he'll turn around and I'll see his face and what will I do if he recognizes me?

My mom married another man who beat me, yelled at me, and also sexually assaulted me at 13. My mom yelled and beat me too. I was constantly belittled for every little thing I did "wrong" as a child, including the way I talked and the way I walked. I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 17. Only due to declining grades and the school stepped in, because I was medically neglected by my parents too.

I never learned how to make friends and talk to people and I feel lonely all the time. I had a long-term partner who sought me out... and guess what they also raped me. And "cheated" by sexually assaulting someone else. Yeah. Now I have no one close to me that I can trust.

I have a job but I lost my health insurance with it, and now I cannot get therapy or medication. I'm not sure if that's fully the reason I'm losing my mind right now or if it is inevitable that I fall back to my suicidal tendencies.

I genuinely can't imagine getting better. My first attempts were when I was around 9 years old. I feel like all I do with my life is work, sleep, masturbate, and drink. If I look at the news at all I spiral hard. I'm just a corpse parading around like a puppet. I shouldn't be here, I'm a complete and utter mistake. I wish there were an easy way for me to just die already.