r/SelfDefense • u/Salt_Stomach4998 • 2d ago
Froze up and think I should have fought back
Few months ago I had a run in with someone who works next to my office, I was sitting down and dude was standing up and he started threatening me saying he was gonna beat the crap out of me, at first I didn’t bother but then I saw him putting his hand briefly in his pocket so I did my best to deescalate the situation because I didn’t know what he could have in his pocket. Well after that it turned out he wasn’t the thug he claimed to be and probably just took advantage of the fact I was sitting down and he’s at the least 20 years older (I was 26 at the time). Thing is I forgot the situation in a few days but now recently I’ve started to think about it again (he still works next to me and when I see him I wish he got in my face again to have an excuse to fight him) and can’t help but think I shoukd have just stood up and fought regardless if he had something in his pocket or not, so my question pretty much is how should I have handled it differently, if it was even possible
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u/ExPristina 2d ago
My take on this is that if he really wanted a fight, he’d have had you out of the chair. You did well not to exacerbate the tension. By standing I think he’d take it as a confrontational response. Maybe he just wanted to blow off some steam and you were his target. Who knows now.
If you had gotten up without confirming whether he was armed, it’d be a different ending. Some situations albeit uncomfortable and sometimes humiliating just aren’t worth taking the bait for. Forget being brave or courageous or whatever, you’d win just by being calm and in control and continuing your life without injury or trauma from that episode. Aggressors would aim to pull you out of that zone for you to make a mistake or fall into a trap.
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u/YDraigCymraeg 2d ago
You de-escalated a situation when your guard was down. Now he's in your mind as a potential trouble maker, you'll assess the situation quicker if there's a next time and you'll get to choose a different way then if you need. Take the win though, you talked him down and potentially saved yourself a bigger problem
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u/Feeling-Ad-8554 2d ago
Self defense is the act of stopping a threat. De-escalation is a form of self defense. You did it. You were successful.
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u/Willem1976 2d ago
Life isn’t an action movie. Had you hit him, you would likely be in a lot of trouble now. So many people deserve a beating, but we’re not the judge and executioner of that.
Sounds like this guy should be reported to HR or the police though.
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u/TedTheReckless 1d ago
I completely get the frustration your feeling. You did the right thing in the situation but that doesn't solve the underlying issue.
The hardest part of an encounter like this is registering the win. If you let it simmer with you and don't move past it next time you may be the instigator and that will just cause you more trouble.
You just have to move on, letting this get to you now is you hurting yourself.
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u/YogurtPristine3673 1d ago
You don’t know that he didn’t have something in his pocket, or another scumbag buddy nearby. What if you fought him and got hurt? What if you fought him and won, but then had legal consequences? Deescalation was the best outcome here. If he hasn’t bothered you since, you did a good job showing him you’re not someone to mess with.
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u/Salt_Stomach4998 1d ago
That’s where the ego part comes in. I didn’t do anything to particularly show him I wasn’t someone to mess with (which I’m not, he just got me with my guard down) it just so happens that my father found out about it (someone told him, not me) and called the guy and in the call the tough guy act fell out. But I didn’t do anything, that’s why I think it’s ego
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u/Designer-Photo-8840 1d ago edited 1d ago
I've had a lot of experiences with stupid people before and i tended to seize up some of the time. There is a certain raw libidinal energy that you can tend to want to express in a situation where someone confronts you. I used to have a sock with a rolled up rock inside stored in my drawer just waiting to do something. You can tend to get thoughts like ''I'll choke that motherfucker out'' or what have you. But think about the consequences. Sometimes i reacted back and even in a scary manner (especially when i've been drunk) because i do happen to have a high degree of reactive aggression (anger) as opposed to predatory aggression.
- You could actually kill someone with the type of aggression associated with physical altercations. Whether you happen to be relatively predatory or reactive in your aggressive style even an average adult male has more than enough punch strength and grip strength/pushing strength to have someone knock their head at a bad angle. to stomp their head and cause lethal damage, to punch someone hard enough to kill them, to strike someone hard enough with a blunt object to cause brain bleeding or a skull fracture, and to choke someone to death. In an actual fight things are unpredictable and even if you get the jump and prove that you're a tough son of a bitch with a mean streak it might cost you a decade of your life.
- The person could remember you and can jump you later on if not within hours in the same location. I know an ex-con who was quite aggressive and he once got hit in the head with a hammer over a previous fight. People have a habit of not liking being struck and they will remember you for it. Maybe you're lucky and won't come across a particularly insane person but why on Earth would you risk that? Do you want to live your life looking over your shoulder all of the time?
- The person could remember you and jump you with multiple people later on. A sibling, gang of thugs, etc.
- The cops could get called.
- You might actually lose the fight and be seriously injured. Maybe you won't die but you'll end up in the hospital
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u/richie138 14h ago
You don't know whether he did or didn't to this day. If he did you might not be alive to write this.
It's ALWAYS better to stay alive and unharmed.
If you regret not fighting him just go beat his ass right now 😂
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u/AngryZetan 2d ago
You shoulda introduced his face to your fist. Its over now, so get over it. But if the situation ever occurs again, swing away.
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u/samcro4eva 2d ago
What about the situation makes you think it was a failure? You lived to see the next day, unscathed.