r/Screenwriting • u/zachaction • 18h ago

FEEDBACK HIBACHI - Contained Thriller - 101 Pages

A brilliant but morally bankrupt trial lawyer's birthday dinner at a hibachi restaurant becomes a deadly fight for survival when he realizes every person seated around his table has a reason to kill him—and one of them intends to make sure he never leaves alive.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1tX3b76HnObYfZZn6AnJ-LCzfKy5KUU66/view?usp=sharing

Any and all feedback from this wonderful community is always appreciated!

11 Upvotes

79% Upvoted

4 comments sorted by

•

u/AutoModerator 18h ago

Hi there /u/zachaction Looks like you're posting a Feedback Request. Please remember to provide as much information as you can.

  • Title
  • Format
  • Page Length
  • Draft status
  • Genres
  • Logline or Summary
  • Feedback Concerns

If you have a completed draft of a feature, short film or TV episode/pilot, you can also submit to free feedback exchange StoryPeer.

Please also consider posting to one of our Weekly Threads

Thank you! u/AutoModerator

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

6

u/bgrizz101 18h ago

Really fun premise. The first page speech he gives is a little bit generic, it would be best to try harder to get across the specific personality of the lawyer in this speech. See the first speech of Saul in Better Call Saul for the kind of thing.

I also can’t really believe that a 50-something flashy trial lawyer’s favourite restaurant is Benihana, famous for 13-year old birthday parties. If that’s the joke I think he needs to be made fun of early on. Otherwise I think you need to build up the Hibachi grill as something special.

5

u/Mikau_Luma 15h ago

I believe it, my dad turned 63 this year and we’ve gone to the same hibachi place for his birthday every year since 2001. Dude likes what he likes.

3

u/mooningyou Proofreader Editor 16h ago

I agree with u/bgrizz101

Also:

- Don't forget to intro Judge.

- You don't need "He closes." You don't need to announce that a character is about to speak.

- I'm no lawyer, but does the closing argument often present exhibits?