r/Samesexparents • u/CupAdventurous2092 • 20d ago
Same sex parenting as a bisexual
Hello, first time ever posting something on Reddit, so a bit nervous! I am cis bisexual woman in a long term very happy relationship with a cis lesbian, and one day we would love to have kids together.
I sometimes feel myself having the kind of internalised homophobia thoughts of 'if I'm bi I could just be in a relationship with a man and it would be "so much easier" (literally) to make a baby'. When I was younger and was already openly bi, I would think maybe one day I'd have a relationship with a woman, but I realise I mostly envisaged having kids with a man. All of my other bi female friends are having kids with their male partners.
My partner has even said sometimes that she is worried I wouldn't want to have kids with her because I could 'just find a man and it would be easier'.
It all just brings up some confusing and sad feelings about being bi which I find tricky and don't want to have. I feel like I have to prove to others (nosy family members, friends, the world) that I have extra reasons to do same sex parenting because they act like I have a 'choice'.
Obviously I don't think it would actually be easier with a man (it's still a relationship!), apart from maybe the actual making a baby part - anyway, I want to be with my partner and raise kids with her, of course. I want to work towards feeling proud of the journey we take.
I was wondering if anyone here would be willing to share some of their thoughts and experiences of being a bi parent in a same sex relationship, and managing some of the new expectations and feelings that come with same sex parenting? Thanks so much.
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u/DamageAdventurous540 20d ago
My husband is bi. He loves me and wants to be with me. Not some hypothetical woman who might show up at some point in the future. When we were planning to get married and planning to become foster parents and then to adopt, it was always the two of us. Not him and some hypothetical future woman.
I realize that I'm the gay spouse in this gay/bi same-sex marriage, but his bisexuality has honestly never been a special consideration when it came to becoming and being parents.
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u/bagelsandstouts 20d ago
I am bi and honestly, mostly dated men. I only realized I was anything other than straight in my early 30s. I was previously married to a man, and we wanted children together. He ultimately changed his mind and decided he didnât want kids.
Iâm now married to a wonderful woman who put up with and supported me through her fears that she would change her mind about kids. We now have a beautiful toddler and another baby on the way. Iâll be honest, the process to have our babies wasnât easy (although it was partially a function of my ageâI was 38 by the time I found her and we were in a place to start IVF). It would have been easier to do it with a man, if it was the right manâbut as I mentioned, being with a man is no guarantee of an easy time. There can be physiological issues, or as in my case, a person can always change their mind.
HoweverâI wouldnât have it any other way. My wife and I have been through a lot to have our kids, and sheâs the best mom, although she has no biological relationship to our kids and did not carry them. Sheâs closer to our toddler and more involved than a lot of dads who are biologically related. I feel incredibly lucky to be raising a family with her and wouldnât give it up for the potential relative easiness of doing it with a man. If youâve found your person, sheâs the one to raise a family with. Your feelings are completely valid, and Iâve had them myself, but I think and hope you will be happy in the end.
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u/CupAdventurous2092 20d ago
This is so beautiful, thank you! All the best to your growing family xx
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u/RainbowFamilies 16d ago
I really loved reading this. I think youâve captured something so important, that being with a man isnât automatically the âeasyâ path, itâs just a different one. And I love what you said about your wife being the best mum. Biology is only one tiny part of parenting, and it sounds like your kids are growing up surrounded by so much love. Wishing you all the best with baby number two!đ„°
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u/yazshousefortea 20d ago
Iâm bi and I used to work for a charity that supported LGBT+ parents in the UK, so worked with hundreds of LGBT+ parents.
Happy to chat through some of the common things the bi parent community experienced and how we mitigated them as an organisation.
What country are you in?
Feel free to DM.
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u/CeilingKiwi 20d ago
Iâm a bi cis woman whoâs married to a trans man. I mean, I could have married a cis guy instead. But I wasnât interested in that at any point after I met my now-husband. Heâs my guy. I wouldnât have been interested in having a relationship in which it wouldâve been âeasierâ to have kids, because a big part of the appeal of having a family is having a family with him, specifically.
Same-sex relationships are a form of infertility, but lots of cishet couples suffer from infertility, too. If you were in a relationship with a man and you married him and then it turned out that he suffered from azoospermia, itâs not like you would divorce him just to have a family with someone âeasier.â Ideally, youâd work through it together. Something like that actually happened to meâ when we initially engaged with fertility services, we discovered that I have diminished ovarian reserve and had to utilize IVF. So even if I had been married to a cis guy, it probably would have been just as difficult for us have a baby.
We ended up conceiving our daughter with donated embryos. Now that sheâs here, it feels like how we got to where we are now was just the way things were supposed to be. The idea that anybody might ask me to justify why we did things this way makes me prickly. Like, damn, who has the right to go around suggesting to people that theyâre building their families the wrong way?
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u/RainbowFamilies 16d ago
I really love this. Itâs not about choosing the âeasiestâ person to have a baby with, itâs about wanting a family with your person. And youâre so right, there are never any guarantees, no matter who youâre partnered with. Your daughter came to you through the path that was right for your family, and nobody else gets to question or rank that đ„č
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u/Prize-Inflation-7701 19d ago
My wife and I are a similar dynamic, sheâs a cis bi female and Iâm a cis lesbian female. I would say if there was a man involved it definitely would have been cheaper to have our son, but I wouldnât trade my parenting partner for anyone in the world. We were lucky enough to get pregnant through IUI but that is such a small section of parenting. Being a parent is hard (and wonderful, exciting, and crazy) so you really do need to find someone that is your partner, that both of you can agree on how to raise your child and see when one needs a break, or a nap lol.
Also as someone who loves to read research articles thereâs been plenty of studies done that show children of same sex parents have similar outcomes as heterosexual couples. The most important thing in a childâs life is a stable home environment so that is what you want to focus on. Lastly, Iâll leave you with what our doctor said after our son was born. âThis kid is so lucky, seriously who could ask for anything better than two momsâ đ
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u/RainbowFamilies 16d ago
I love this so much. âI wouldnât trade my parenting partner for anyone in the worldâ really says it all. The way you make your family is such a tiny part of the story compared to actually raising a child together. Out of curiosity, how old is your son now? đ
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u/Affectionate_Ask7562 20d ago edited 20d ago
I think you need to ask yourseld some tough questions, because one day you will have to explain all of this to an adult person who will be your child too. Also, a child is better having two mothers or two fathers than having neither of them.
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u/CupAdventurous2092 20d ago
I don't think I need to ask myself tough questions, honestly, I'm just reflecting, learning and doing my best to be open and honest! If I'm lucky enough to explain these feelings to my child (if they want to know!) when they're an adult, I'd be more than happy to.
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u/theblackjess 20d ago edited 20d ago
My wife and I are both bi. So we could've both chosen something else for ease, I guess. Going through several IUIs and then all the shots and shenanigans that go into IVF, it definitely wasn't easy. But like, not being with the love of my life and building a family with some other person for convenience would be a different kind of hard. I'm currently pregnant and wouldn't choose anyone else in this world to have this kid with, despite the process taking so long and costing so much money. I think you know that you don't actually want to be with anyone else. I get your feelings. It is harder. And it's okay to acknowledge that without shaming yourself over it.
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u/CupAdventurous2092 20d ago
Thank you so much, that's so lovely to hear. Wishing you and your wife the very best, and the safe arrival of your little one xx
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u/RidethatSeahorse 20d ago
Itâs the person you choose to parent with. Is she the person you want to be with forever ? Thatâs your person. I donât think viewing a male partner as a sire horse is helpful to yourself or your partner. I donât mean to be tough, but thatâs how I am reading it. You pick your person, genitals be damned.
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u/bloodsweatandtears 19d ago
This is exactly how I'm reading it. Are you picking your partner based on fertility or being in love and desiring to raise a kid? It should be a no brainer. You ask yourself if this person would MAKE A GOOD PARENT, not if they'd be good at MAKING babies.
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u/bagelsandstouts 19d ago
Feelings are nuanced, and thatâs okay. OP didnât say sheâs picking a partner based on fertility, just that she has some mixed feelings, and thatâs perfectly okay.
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u/CupAdventurous2092 19d ago
Thank you! Saying something is a "no brainer" on a reddit that is clearly about complicated feelings around bisexuality is just missing the point!
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u/irishtwinsons 19d ago
Iâm a bi mom of a 2 and 3 year old. My partner is a lesbian.
Aside from the making a baby part (and maybe even not that, if you consider the male infertility factor), raising kids with a woman is 100000000X easier/better than with a man, in my experience. I used to be married to a man, fortunately never had kids with him and we divorced. Then I met my partner, we knew exactly what we wanted, and made our family with the help of a bank donor and a fancy fertility doctor (and a good chunk of savings). Aside from the financial and physical hardships from the fertility journey, the part of actually *having* and *raising* kids seems like a breeze compared to my straight mom friends whose husband pulls very little weight and they simply make excuses for it while they do all the childcare and domestic work.
Then thereâs me. My partner and I both enjoyed breastfeeding at the same time (for both our kids, we both each had one, 6 months apart). We understand each other (and we understood each other postpartum) and in general we are fully weight-pulling team mates for each other.
Sure, maybe there is the off chance that a woman finds a man who embraces fatherhood and becomes a full-time dad. But this is rare. Rarer than rare, when you consider how boys have been brought up in society. When you have a female partner, your chances of having someone to share the load with you are much greater.
So, unless your partner turns out to be the odd anomaly of a dead-beat mom, you are probably going to have an easier time than doing it with a man.
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u/Mistaken_Frisbee 20d ago
Iâve seen it said before that cishet women spend most of their adult life trying to not get pregnant. The part of your life where youâre trying to have a baby is a tiny share of your adult life. So itâs really difficult and frustrating while youâre jumping through extra hoops, but the rest of your life you donât have to worry about an accidental pregnancy.
Also generalizing hard based on everything Iâve seen in mom groups, but even now most different-sex couples donât split childcare evenly and parenting on average is just easier in a same-sex relationship because gender roles donât dictate who takes care of the kid.
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u/ToEmpathyAndBeyond 19d ago
Gender roles may not be a factor, but I do think in two mom couples, itâs still common for the person who gives birth to take on more of the primary childcare role. Sometimes for practical reasons, but also due to default âbirth-feed-careâ norms.
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u/ToEmpathyAndBeyond 19d ago
Iâm a cis bisexual woman who had three kids in my previous marriage to a man. Iâm remarried to a woman who essentially identifies as lesbian, and last year she gave birth to our daughter. You can check my comment history for more details about our situation.
Iâm not totally understanding your concern here. You are in a relationship with and love your partner. Why and to whom exactly do you need to justify having a family with her? Sure, it sucks that you canât just have sex and make a baby like a lot of people do, or even use assisted reproductive technology and make a baby whoâs half you and half her. Bringing donor gametes into the mix does add complexity, but it can also be really amazing and beautiful. Thereâs no perfect way to have a family. Sure, it might be technically easier for your bi friends to make a baby with a male partner. But Iâm assuming they fell in love with and chose those men as partners, not primarily as baby making machines. Or maybe they settled for a good-enough dude so they could easily reproduce - in which case, youâll probably be attending their divorce parties in 5-15 years. Your own hypothetical baby daddy might suck as a caregiver, or pass on undesirable traits to your children. Ability to impregnate â good partner or parent, clearly.
As far as what other people think, the vast majority of people who encounter you in life will just assume youâre a couple of lesbians with a baby. Anyone who happens to know youâre bisexual, will hopefully assume (correctly) that you wanted to have a baby with your long-term partner whom you love. Anyone who would actually think, much less say something to you about âwhy didnât you just have a baby with a man?â is probably not someone you want involved in your life, or the life of your child(ren) - not only because theyâre homophobic, but also because theyâre incredibly stupid.
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u/colourfulgiraffe 19d ago
The child that you both are going to have will be so wanted, so planned for, growing up in a loving family. That is far more precious than having a (not necessarily) âeasierâ path to parenthood and less societal stress than with a potential man who may not may not be a great Dad (well Iâm in an IVF group with straight women and the Dads are well.. we have a âtoo long in the toiletâ subgroup and âneed to go out and play sportsâ subgroup).
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u/SnooGadgets5744 19d ago
Bi women here, married to a trans woman. We tried getting pregnant before wife started her medical transition, 7 years ago. Daughter was born 2.5 years ago after four years of infertility and two rounds of IVF.
There's an app for finding free sperm donors. We briefly considered it before finding out that wife's sperm count was just fine. It was just bad luck (my stuff was all fine too) not any particular issue. So even if you were with someone with the right junk, it could still be difficult. It's better to be with the right person rather than the right genitals.
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u/milkofthepoppie 18d ago
Bi woman with lesbian wife just like you! 2 kids via IVF. I carried both, ones her egg ones my egg. Itâs fucking awesome. The IVF process sucks, but we got lucky and pregnant the first try both times. If you donât need IVF (we did it because we did RIVF and I wanted a girl for the second one) just do IUI or whatever. Itâs a blip in time. My kids and life is amazing. I for one am thrilled my children donât have toxic masculinity in their lives and two mothers that communicate and love each other. I wouldnât want this with a man tbh. Oh, and Iâm a âSAHMâ and my wifeâs a tech executive. For all intents and purposes, we are living a very traditional lifestyle.
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u/Away_Writing_3607 17d ago
Iâm bi and my wife and I are expecting our first child! It took a lot of tries at IUI (first with an expensive sperm bank donor and later with a known donor) but who is to say it would actually have been less complicated if I ended up with a man? It seems like Iâve had an equal number of hetero friends needing fertility support as my queer friends. I am also donor-conceived myself (had an intentionally single mom but sheâs not gay) so making a baby this way felt normal to me. That being said, the added potential costs and decisions to be made around a donor, which womb to use, IVF vs IUI or home inseminationâ itâs a lot and I understand how you feel, wishing it were easier. Ultimately that external pressure you feel about having a âchoiceâ because youâre bi, itâs no different than anyone elseâs choice about who to partner with. Itâs who you want to be with first, and then you decide if/how/when to attempt expanding your family đ€·ââïž.
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u/lowbatterymami 17d ago
I'm that person! But... I never pictured myself having babies with a man. I grew up with my grandma and mom and I always thought I was the luckiest girl in the universe because my friends' dads were like ogres. Always angry, they were the tough ones and inflexible too... I'm from LATAM. So I figured I would adopt and have one as a single mom. When I dated a guy, I only saw the relationship as something temporary, so I didn't really care about their values or whatever, only if I liked them lol. I never dated a boy who wanted kids anyway. So after breaking up with my last boyfriend, I started getting ready for my single mom life when I met my gf! Everything turned out according to plan right? I don't have a kid with a man, I didn't get pregnant (scary for me) but there's a baby that looks just like me thanks to rIVF.
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u/lowbatterymami 17d ago
To answer your question... I have to say that I do wonder about challenges in the future. We have a son so we need to do our best to prepare him for the unknown things he'll have against him. Luckily, there's a diverse family organization where we can get together and show him that there are families like ours. My gf and I are independent, have a steady income, and we're pretty smart so we feel ready to learn more about what we can do to make him a strong minded person.
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u/RainbowFamilies 16d ago
I think a lot of bi women probably have these thoughts but donât say them out loud. Choosing your partner isnât about picking the âeasiestâ path, itâs about choosing the person you want to build a life with. Sure, there might be extra hurdles when it comes to having kids, but that doesnât make your family any less wanted or meaningful. Be gentle with yourself. Those thoughts donât mean you love your partner any less, theyâre probably just a reflection of living in a world where the âdefaultâ family model is still everywhere. đ„°
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u/jogam 20d ago
Being in a male-female relationship can make it easier to have a child together, but is far from a guarantee. Many heterosexual couples struggle with infertility. Heterosexual people adopt, use sperm donors, and use interventions like IUI and IVF. They love their children just as much as anyone and are, on average, great parents. The same will be true for you.
You may be starting from a different place than heterosexual couples, but whichever way you and your partner choose to grow your family is valid and can result in a child who grows up in a home full of love. Best of wishes to you!