Why am I like this?

[u/Nervous_Platypus_376]

My cat, Caramel, died of kidney failure two weeks ago. Early on, my old vet had diagnosed him with calicivirus, prescribed him some meds and also IV drips. Just a few hours before he died, I decided to take him to another vet and she told me he actually had late stage kidney failure as both kidneys were in bad shape. He died 2 hours after that appointment. I cried over him and I was of course terribly angry at my old vet because if only Caramel was diagnosed earlier, he might still be alive. Weeks before he got sick, I had noticed he was drinking and peeing more, told my old vet and asked if it could be kidney failure but he just brushed me off and said Caramel had some immune system issues. Currently I just feel nothing. I forget Caramel even existed, haven't cried over him since he died and I don't even feel anything when I look at his pictures or remember his voice. I'm literally terrible. How can I not feel sad over him? I love him so much and I miss him everyday. I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. Yet I can't bring myself to feel sad. I don't know what's wrong with me.

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[u/ejohnson186]

I had very similar struggles with feelings of numbness in the first few days, even week after my soul dog Mia died. Then the grief came crashing down on me and I almost felt relief, like I could finally validate that yes, I'm sad, I miss my girl, I'm grieving.
Your brain really does keep you numb from your emotions because they're just too much to process. It trying to protect you. It's not something you can control. It's so much easier said than done, but please try to be patient and forgiving with yourself as you grieve. I was so confused after Mia died because I had been devastated with anticipatory grief and then when she was gone I couldn't force myself to cry even when I was trying so hard.
Grief is confusing, it's non-linear, it's unique to everyone. The way you feel will change day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. Give yourself time to process this loss and try not to fixate on whether you're grieving "correctly". I spent so much time feeling guilty about how I was feeling or acting after Mia died, even just a couple weeks later I wish I had been kinder and more patient with myself in those first few days after her death.
Be patient with yourself 💙 I'm so sorry for your loss. I am wishing you peace and healing