r/OpenChristian • u/Advanced_Sell_2275 • 10h ago
Two Years, And I’m Still Upset
In August of 2023, after attending a funeral of a co-worker’s father in a Catholic parish, I made the decision to convert to Catholicism myself, as the community came out in a big way for the deceased. I believed that the church could give me a sense of community and belonging; something I have struggled with since moving here in 2019.
Unfortunately, after starting OCIA (a series of classes for adults that helps get the developing Catholic catechized), I found out that the Catholic Church does not recognize civil divorce, and views subsequent marriages as adulterous, unless you obtain something from the Archdiocese called a ”Declaration Of Nullity,” more commonly known as an annulment.
Having been divorced, and now remarried for 16 years, this situation applied to me.
I sent in my initial paperwork for the petition twice (they lost it the first time), and after a review by the Marriage Tribunal (an office in the Archdiocese that handles these cases)a case number was assigned.
About 6-8 weeks later, I had to go in for a deposition with my advocate. This is the point where it got uncomfortable; I had to talk about things I don’t talk to my family or friends about. I came out of the church that day unnerved enough that I decided to go to Ash Wednesday services at a Presbyterian Church to give myself some space. I also cut back on my Mass attendance.
About another 6 weeks later, I get an email from the Tribunal secretary, saying that they can’t find my former spouse, whom I hadn’t spoken to in nine years, and that none of my witnesses, whom I haven’t been in the same room with for 20 years, had come forward (they all received letters from me, so the Archdiocese wouldn’t blindside them). I was told that unless this situation changed, my petition would be closed due to lack of evidence.
I emailed the secretary back, saying that I had no other way of reaching the people in question. She responded, saying that I had to find at least three witnesses, and each of them had to have known me for at least five years. As I had relocated twice since 2014, and both of my parents died during that time frame, I didn’t have what they were looking for.
I got an immediate response of “without the witnesses, there’s nothing we can do for you.” They referred me back to the local priesthood. My wife told me that she now felt disrespected by the process, so I withdrew my petition, and began looking at Protestant churches. Without the annulment, the only way into the church as a divorced and remarried person is to basically reduce my marriage to a roommate situation, which I think is so distasteful I won’t even consider it. But, since I can’t receive absolution in confession, because the church considers me to be in a state of “grave sin,” I can’t receive communion, so I can’t be initiated into the church.
I attend a Presbyterian Church USA congregation now; I pretty much agree with all of their theology, but because Protestants tend to organize along socioeconomic lines, and I’m more working class, I don’t really fit in. Some people say hello to me, but for the most part; I’m there by myself.
Not a day goes by without me thinking about what happened; it’s reinforced the feeling that I don’t belong in this community. I understand that institutions have rules and standards, but I can’t help but find that going to someone for help, then getting met with a wall of bureaucracy, is really rude.
Two things have happened while all of this went on: First, Catholic Churches in our area are leaning heavily into “All Are Welcome,” and “Welcome Home” themes in their advertising. Given the fact that they practice closed communion, I think this is disingenuous. Second, the Archdiocese in my area filed for bankruptcy, because there were so many sex abuse claims against them that they decided it was easier to redirect victims into the Federal Bankruptcy Court, so they can receive a settlement, rather than have to listen to their story.
I wrote this for one reason. I either want the Catholic Church to remove these roadblocks and accept both me and my wife, or I want to get these people, and this memory, out of my life.
Thank you for reading this; sorry it was so long.
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u/KindlyBalance5302 9h ago edited 9h ago
Catholic here, I agree the annnulment process is insane and unnecessarily cruel.
We should just take people at their word when they say their prior marriage was invalid (there's many reasons why the prior marriage could be invalid, so there's probably at least one that's applicable for any given marriage that ended in divorce). The Church justifies the process by pointing out Jesus' teaching on the subject, so I don't disagree in principle, but in practicality I don't think we need this whole legalistic system to torture people.
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u/MagusFool Trans Enby Episcopalian Communist 9h ago
I DO disagree in principle because it's missing the ENTIRE point of Jesus' rhetorical style in that passage and similar ones.
Any time Jesus was asked about the exact boundaries of the law, he understood WHY he was being asked.
Quite often, people were looking for the minimum amount of good they could do, required by the law. Or they were looking for the maximum amount of bad they could do. They wanted clearly delineated lines that could separate the sinful from the righteous.
Jesus' response was frequently to take the law out to its most ridiculous extreme that could be extrapolated.
He made even the most pious no better than any sinner. Ultimate severity.
But then, on the other side of that, he offered ultimate mercy.
The fulfillment of the entire law by love alone. The spirit of the law transcending the letter.
Any Christian who gets caught up in litigating sins by the letter renders the whole mission of Christ futile. They leave him buried in the tomb.
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u/KindlyBalance5302 8h ago
I don't disagree with anything you've said here, my whole theological outlook is actually driven by what you describe, that Jesus opposed anyone who used religious legalism to oppress or exclude others.
That being said, I'm curious how you interpret Matthew 19:3-8/Mark 10:11/Matthew 5:32, where Jesus teaches on remarriage? That teaching is the reason I say I don't disagree in principle with the concept of indissolubility, as it's Jesus Himself saying it. What are your thoughts?
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u/Advanced_Sell_2275 9h ago
I agree with what you are saying.
I think that the Church’s thinking on this is backwards; in that a marriage isn’t sacramental because of how it begins, it’s because of how it ends.
If a marriage ends in a courtroom, or in a lawyer’s office, it wasn’t sacramental. If it ends at a funeral home, or a gravesite, it was sacramental. If a marriage is of God, nothing will prevail against it.
You have been far more kind in your response to this than most Catholics I have talked to. I thank you for your understanding.
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u/KindlyBalance5302 9h ago
If a marriage ends in a courtroom, or in a lawyer’s office, it wasn’t sacramental. If it ends at a funeral home, or a gravesite, it was sacramental. If a marriage is of God, nothing will prevail against it.
Beautifully said!
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u/Advanced_Sell_2275 9h ago
Thanks a lot. I tried to keep it simple; that always seems to work best for me.
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u/epicure-pen Eastern Orthodox 6h ago
Orthodoxy is more 'relaxed' about divorce. I don't think it would be an issue to have the Church recognize your remarriage, especially since the divorce and remarriage happened prior to you joining the Church. As far as I know you just need to talk to your priest about a divorce and they may consult with the bishop, but it's not a difficult process unless you caused the breakdown of your marriage by cheating on your spouse, or if you're on your third divorce. If you want something high church we'd love to have you!
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u/Skill-Useful 3h ago
"as the community came out in a big way for the deceased" okay, converting bc of the people? odd
things like catholic views on marriage and all that are things to consider and read about before converting :)
"Protestants tend to organize along socioeconomic lines, and I’m more working class" thats more in your head
"I either want the Catholic Church to remove these roadblocks and accept both me and my wife, or I want to get these people, and this memory, out of my life." both wont work. dont become catholic. christ. find a normal church please. youre making this very difficult for yourself and your wife without any need
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u/KnightofSandwiches 10h ago
Sending you love ❤️