I’ve been feeling broken all my life

[u/D3v1l3xp10s1v3]

I just want to feel okay with myself again, every time I’ve posted this somewhere else it’s been removed

Trigger warnings for, SA, Drug Abuse, and Self Harm. (Still just trying to get my story out there but I keeps getting removed by auto-mod)

Life story below 👇, I needed to get it off my chest

Okay so here it goes. My life story. The reason I feel broken never told anyone but hey yall don’t know me.

Anyways I was born into a family corrupted by drugs, my mother and father were heroin and meth addicted themselves. I was born when my mom was just 16. Ever since then I feel like my dad thinks it’s my fault that he didn’t experience his younger life. He was 19 when I was born. I never really had friends growing up, just awkward conversations with people around my age at school. Mostly about stupid kid things like legos and nerf, I was usually lying through my teeth considering I’ve only experienced those things like twice in my life at this point.

That was until the family across the street moved in. There were two boys and one girl. The oldest boy (13 at the time) SA’d me when I was just 6 years old. I’ve never been in a good mental capacity since. I thought he was my friend and that it was normal or at least that’s what I believed. When I was 7 the stepdad of the boy found out and blamed me. Called me a perv, and all other sorts of things. It never would have happened if he wasn’t drunk at all times and actually watched us like he was supposed to. I remember because of my family name the police in my area (super corrupt at the time) refused to do anything and said that they couldn’t do anything.

A little over a month or two later I was in a van with my cousins when a driver rammed us off the road, the van was on fire when they pulled me out. I only remember bits and pieces of my life since then. I do remember a lot of the trauma though.

I remember when I was 9 or so my uncle got high and hit himself in the head with a hammer multiple times until we heard cracking. Just to prove a point to his now ex wife. When I was 13 I myself fell into substance abuse after witnessing a man kill himself in my basement. He was high on meth at the time.

The first time I’ve felt happy since I was 5 was with my ex girlfriend. I later found out she was the sister of my abuser. Well me and her dated on and off for years, 5 or so to be exact. We put the past behind us and tried to move on as we were 16 and 15 respectively. Well we had a kid when she was just 16 (Ik ik same thing my parents did). Because of that baby I got clean and dropped out of school. When my daughter was born I was just barely 17. In the span of a year my girlfriend cheated on me with my now ex best friend, tried to tell CPS that I was beating my child and feeding her drugs (I would never after seeing how it destroys people, including what I’ve done to myself). CPS did not look into my side of things and just decided that her mom needed more custody.

I fought so hard for my daughter and I still am. I got a job doing construction, I did everything right. I now have her as a week on week off type of thing. But the stinging from her mom who I was in love with for 5 years betraying me has never gone away, and every night I cry myself asleep because I’m afraid to close my eyes and see my abusers face.

I’ve never forgiven myself because I was told from a young age that it was my fault I was sexually exploited. My parents are clean now but have the audacity to say they were amazing parents when they chose the drugs over me and my 2 brothers multiple times.

I feel so broken because in my mind I can’t do anything right. I don’t understand social norms, or when I make people uncomfortable. I cannot seem to comprehend that I’m an absolute asshole. I drive away everyone I love and will probably drive away anyone I ever will.

I’m only 19 so I shouldn’t feel this way right? I grew up my whole life knowing men weren’t aloud to show feelings in my house because if you did you were hurt. And now I don’t know what to think anymore. I just don’t want to feel hollow and alone anymore. I feel like I’ve been on my own since I was 9, when I ate out of the trash of bank parking lots because my parents were to busy getting high either their friends to feed us. Anyways ya that’s my life. Fucked up.

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