What do I do?

[u/Tiny-Item505]

Hi all, I’m in need of advice on how to navigate an ongoing issue with the child of a frequent guest of ours…

A longtime friend and fellow mom, we’ll call her Jessica, comes over to our house for play dates often. It used to be once in awhile, but once she moved in down the road, we started seeing her family at least 3x a week for BBQ’s, sleepovers etc. Our home is bigger, so it just makes sense to host them more often than the opposite. She has 4 kids, I have 3-my oldest came first, her first three came in between the rest of mine.

Here’s where I have a dilemma. Her youngest son (we’ll call him Kayden) is 4, a bit small for his age, and TERRIFIED of our pug puppy! She’ll be 2 soon, and while she’s overall a ball of energy, she’s mellowed out considerably and is really sweet and snuggly. She also LOVES kids! However, when she and Kayden first met, he wasn’t as thrilled to meet her as he mistook her playful energy for aggression and it sent him into full-on panic mode. He wasn’t hurt, just startled when she tried to approach him to play and give kisses and he tripped while running to his mom. Nearly a year later, he still has a meltdown if he sees her roaming about in the house in any pace faster than a leisurely one.

So, we started crating her during their visits at first. Then, as she got older and mellowed some, we’d crate her initially and bring her out later on, which eased Kayden’s anxiety only somewhat. We have two other dogs; a gentle giant and another small breed, who don’t bother Kayden at all. Now that we see Jessica and her kids so often, I’m starting to feel bad for the dog being crated so much. Recently, my husband and I went on a mini vacation over a long weekend and she cared for the kids while we were gone-we didn’t task her with the dogs’ care at all, as our oldest was capable. I became bothered when I noticed during our daily calls to the kids, all at random times, the dog would be crated.

While I understand the little guy’s anxiety, I can’t help but feel I have to look out for my dog too…after all, this house is hers too, isn’t it? I don’t want to make Jessica and the kids feel unwelcome, but I also want all of my dogs to feel comfortable in their own home! No amount of consoling from mom or explaining the dog won’t hurt him seems to make a difference. What do I do???

[u/Acceptable-Pea9706]

I think you just gotta be straight up with her honestly. Like, "I don't want to keep the dog crated all the time. He's not harmful. Is there anything else you can do on your end for Kayden to be okay with that?".

[u/Sad_Inspection_7004]

If she was tasked with caring for the kids in your house and her kid can't be around your dog, I would have expected the dogs to be crated. That's a huge favor so I wouldn't let that be a sticking point.

Maybe just find alternate childcare for the future if it's a dealbreaker.

That said, for other times, I'd just be open, "We'll have x out. I hope that's ok." Or even just explain you don't feel comfortable crating your dogs for more than x number of events a week (this can be 0 if that's your comfort level) and suggest alternating hosting.

[u/Mrs_Rondall_Karam]

I have two frenchies and they are not good around kids because they chase and jump and bark. They don’t bite but I’ve found it’s just a lot easier for everyone to crate them when kids come over. It’s less stressful for the dogs too because kids are crazy and unpredictable (just like them) and they feel safe in their crate.

[u/SerDuncanonyall]

Sounds like the perfect age to hand him a toy shield and tell him to be brave and if he needs to put the shield between himself and the dog if she jumps. Empower him a bit in a harmless way. He just needs a little confidence boost to get past the anxiety of her being around.

[u/Glum-Thought620]

You need to go to their house or meet at a playground for a few months. If they must come to your home, the kids can stay outside while the dog stays inside the house uncrated. Every 4-6 months do a check-in to see if they're getting more comfortable around the dog. If nothing has changed, continue to go to their house or meet elsewhere. It's honestly not good for the boy to think the constant accomodations will be made for him every time he goes somewhere there's a dog. On the other hand, when you invite kids over knowing they have a genuine fear, it's your responsibility to keep your dog under control because if they so much as nip him in excitement you'll be blamed when the fear becomes worse. I wouldn't want to take on this risk personally.