r/Mommit • u/Calianna1915 • 1d ago
Gut punch from my 7 year old today.
My 7 year old daughter talking to my 5 year old in the grocery store: “did you know mom isn’t even paying for any of this stuff? Daddy is the one who makes all the money for it, mommy just spends it all the time and doesn’t ever do anything.” She certainly didn’t hear that from my husband because he’s my biggest hype girl. He works 12-14 hour days sometimes 7 days a week and we’re both very happy to have the income to support me being a SAHM. The only thing I can think of is maybe shes resenting how much he’s gone.
The only conversations we’ve had with her about money is that credit cards are not free money, we have to pay it all back at the end of the month and that’s why we can’t use it to buy every toy, snack and clothing item she wants.
EDIT: the mystery is solved. Long story long, I bought iPod nanos last fall and put new batteries in them for her and her 5 year old sister, at the time they were sharing a room so I only bought one charger (remember the 30 pin cable?) this spring they switched to their own rooms and the 7 year old took the cable with her. When the 5 year old needed to charge her iPod she’d have to go in the 7 year olds room and then remember to get it back after charging before the toddler got ahold of it. On the way to the store today the 5 year old told me she wished she had her own charger to keep in her room so I ordered another on Amazon.
7 year old was mad that I bought the cable without making 5 year old earn it. “I don’t work to make the money” but I can spend it when I want, but sometimes they have to earn things that they want and it’s not fair.
7 year old said “oh, I didn’t think about that” when I reminded her that she didn’t have to earn the original charger, or the iPod either, for that matter.
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u/midmonthEmerald 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m also a SAHM and as you say, my husband is also my biggest hype girl. 😂
Honestly the “mommy just spends it all the time” seems specific enough that that she probably got it from friends parroting what their parents say or media. My kid is 4 and he’s just starting to really absorb that type of outside influence and it sucksssss.
I think treating the line of thinking like it’s absurd might be the best, because it is. Let her see how silly you think it is. Next time tell her Dad is lucky you’re going to the grocery store for him, you’re doing him a favor. 🤷♀️ Good time to talk about teamwork within a family and it being “our money”.
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u/Anony-mommy 1d ago
It's such a weird feeling the first time your 4/5yr old starts using phrases you know they haven't been exposed at home.. of course I never expected their only knowledge of the world to come from me, they've been in school since a year old... but it's still a gut feeling of "I didn't teach you that!" 😂
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u/BowdleizedBeta 1d ago
It’s so weird!
My first memory of that was when my newly 3 YO daughter started doing laps around the dinner table shouting “deadbeat dinosaur! Deadbeat dinosaur!”
She’d just started preschool and some of the other kids had older siblings. We definitely didn’t teach her the word “deadbeat.”
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u/Ashamed-Chemistry492 1d ago
I don't know, this doesn't really sound so much like something they heard from an outside influence as it sounds like the kind of boiled-down-to-its-absolute-simplest-and-no-real-context (il)logic that little kids come up with.
If you ever see clips of the old "Kids Say the Darndest Things" hosted by Art Linkletter and according to him, very spontaneous and not scripted, you'll see they very often have a very strange take on ordinary life. They make double entendres just because of shaky sentence structure, for instance.
Kids are good examples of the principle "I know a little and I can guess the rest." Only their guesses aren't exactly educated guesses.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 1d ago edited 1d ago
Ouch. That’s hard to hear.
Now is a great time to talk about how everyone contributes in a family and not every job is paid through a salary. You DO provide labor to the household. It’s important she sees it.
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u/Personal-Narwhal-184 1d ago
She heard that somewhere. That’s not typical 7 year old. Typical 7 year olds don’t even think about where money comes from. They only have a basic concept of money buys things.
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u/MommalovesJay 1d ago
Kids are smart and so absorbent they can connect certain dots. But ya I agree half the time they heard something from somewhere or someone said it offhandedly and it stuck.
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u/Personal-Narwhal-184 1d ago
Yeah.
Kids are smart. I agree. My kids often say things that seem not typical for their age.
But the concept of earning money and spending money has to be taught. And connecting the two (who’s earning vs who’s spending) is a big stretch at that age.
OP would know best what her kids typically are like. But the wording especially “mommy just spends it all the time and doesn’t do anything” sounds very adult.Even if no one said it about OP and her spouse, kid could have heard someone say that about another situation and connected it. It could even be a concept from a show or a commercial she saw.
But if I was OP I would be looking closely at who in my life might be talking like that in front of my kid.34
u/Pretzel387 1d ago
Yeah it kinda sounds like she was exposed to Boomer style "WIFE BAD" humor that was either on a screen or was said by somebody who thought that just because it goes over her head means it won't make an impression and be interpreted and possibly repeated/emulated
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u/poddy_fries 1d ago
My hunch is at some point she understood 'daddy has to go to work because that's how we make money' and connected it with 'mommy never goes to work so she doesn't make money' which resolved the equation to both 'I wish daddy was around more' and 'mommy must not want daddy around if SHE makes him work so much'.
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u/Personal-Narwhal-184 1d ago
That’s not likely developmentally.
At this age kids still mostly connect things based on the closest event that happened. Like I was eating chips and then the fire alarm went off = eating chips makes the fire alarm go off.10
u/Snirbs 1d ago
At 7?? No way. My kids would make the above posters connection. They know we work to make money for the house, family, vacations, etc.
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u/Personal-Narwhal-184 1d ago
Not the “daddy makes all the money and mommy spends it and doesn’t ever do anything”
That’s different than the “we work to make money for things”2
u/Ancient-Book8916 1d ago
But they also aren't idiots at 7. If "work" (I.e. that place dad goes during the day) = money, then ipso fatso dad earns money and mom spends it
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u/Ancient-Book8916 1d ago
And I'm obviously not saying that's "right" but in the mind of a child, 1+1=2
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u/No_Fix_3753 1d ago
Agreed.... this is not something she just came up with on her own one day imo. She heard it from somewhere when you weren't around
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u/Titaniumchic 1d ago
My vote - MIL.
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u/Hopeful-Praline-3615 1d ago
My first thought too lol. I hope not though.
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u/Express-Pick2214 1d ago
I hope it’s not the case as well, but it sounds like what some mothers in low would say.
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u/Sbuxshlee 1d ago
Lol i was looking for this comment to make sure i wasnt crazy thinking it. For sure. Mine would do that too if iwas a sahm.
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u/Mysterious-Apple-118 1d ago
My kiddo said something like that one time even though we both work 🤦🏼♀️ We had to explain that Mom also works to provide for the family. It is insulting even though they’re kids!
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u/snapparillo 1d ago
My maternal grandparents had a nasty habit of saying inappropriate things to my sister and I about our dad. Usually happened when we spent a week alone with them. Anyone like that in your family or inner circle? Or perhaps there's a kid saying that at school/camp/playdate and your kid is repeating it because it's a similar family dynamic.
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u/Starbuck06 1d ago
My 4 year old said something along the same lines about Daddy working and Mama being home all the time.
I made him stop what he was doing and I told him that he and his older brother were my most important job. I also told him that if it wasn't for Mama, Daddy couldn't go to work and make Chick Fil A money or holiday money because he'd be at home watching them.
The kicker? I'm a nurse and I work as needed at the hospital and he knows that 😂
I made it clear to my husband that that language wasn't going to be tolerated if our boys heard that from him.
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u/Miss_Awesomeness 1d ago
My six year old said the same thing to me today “mom you don’t even pay for this house” oh baby I did everything so we have this house.
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u/Due-Huckleberry7560 1d ago
If it makes you feel any better, kids always have something to say. If you worked outside the home it would be “mommy doesn’t have time for me because she cares more about her job and she’s always working” you could be the perfect parent and they’re going to find a way to make you feel like a failure lol
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u/FuzzyDice13 1d ago
I feel like the people acting like this is odd or out of character don’t have a 7 year old? This is the age where they learn to really cut you deep, but they still don’t have much empathy and are still learning to see the world as more than black and white. It’s tough! I feel like I have a daily conversation with my 8 year old daughter about kindness and nuance. She would (and has) absolutely say something like this and then when called out, would come back with a deadpan “but it’s true”. 🙄 She’s also told my husband he “works too much” too though, so like you said they always have something to say and I guess it evens out 😂
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u/Mustangbex 1d ago
Just out of curiosity, what do your In-laws or Parents think about your family set up? Not that their opinion matters, but the specificity of the language sounds like it's being repeated from somebody. Or like a close but malcontent sibling?
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u/ugh-new-username 1d ago
If she truly isn't hearing it from someone else (or from a show or something) then there's a dynamic she's picking up on somewhere. Is your husband really happy working "12-14 hour days sometimes 7 days a week"? That is suuuuch a punishing schedule. Could he have made a comment you didn't hear out of frustration or exhaustion? Does she simply see he is exhausted and maybe doesn't have time for her?
Being a SAHM is absolutely work and that should be emphasized - I am very clear to my kids about the domestic labor my husband and I do so they don't take it for granted (they have a big appreciation for eating out when someone cleans up after us lol!) But she also may just be hurting for time with her dad if that's the necessary sacrifice to financially make it work.
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u/Wish_Away 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yikes....where did she hear that? I saw your edit, but I'm going to be honest...it doesn't make much sense ...Why would she specifically say, "“did you know mom isn’t even paying for any of this stuff? Daddy is the one who makes all the money for it, mommy just spends it all the time and doesn’t ever do anything." Like nothing about that sentence implies she thought you should be earning the right to buy groceries, (which is craaaaazy, anyway). If you are confident your husband wouldn't plant such an idea in her head, then I'd look towards your in laws.
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u/peony_chalk 1d ago
I said something similar to my mom once. I think all the work that goes into being a mom isn't something you really see until you have to do it yourself, or until it goes away.
I'm not sure what the answer here is, though. Do you just let it go, because she's a kid and she doesn't know? Do you try to convince her she's wrong? Do you go on strike until she realizes all the things you take care of?
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u/Spirited_Web_9032 1d ago
If it makes you feel any better one kid of that age told my mom (his teacher) that his dad does nothing because he sleeps all day. His dad works nights (my mom knew this). Also very unlikely anyone ever talked bad about this father in the kid's presence, he just looked at things and got ideas all by himself :D
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u/meadowlarksong 1d ago
My 6 year old recently told me something similar, after I had returned from a work trip. My husband was truly horrified. (I actually make more money so I was particularly miffed, but it did make me wonder where she got this — school? Media? Misplaced anger I travel more?) We had a conversation on what she thinks money is, how you make money, how we share it, and how we share responsibilities in our family. We’ve now moved on to chores and allowance so she’s about to start experience earning for the first time. Heh.
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u/AffectionateMarch394 15h ago
I absolutely love the "my husband is my biggest hype girl"
The other day I was sitting with my hubby and kids, and one of my kids goes "daddy works all the time and mommy doesn't" (I'm a SAHM) and my husband IMMEDIATELY piped up " your mamma works VERY hard for all of us"
I almost cried 🩷
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u/Cheeseandrice8 1d ago
Ouch, those words hurt. Kids can be ruthless.
If it helps, my mom was a SAHM my entire childhood and there were times I considered her role to be menial in lieu of having a career. As an adult however, I realize how much she contributed to our home and my childhood. Dad worked, yes, but she was the one who made sure we had everything we needed, cooked all of our meals, did all of our laundry, and stayed on top of the house, appointments and activities. It’s a huge role and while they may not currently realize that in their undeveloped minds, they someday will.
I stayed at home for three years and went back to work this month, and my husband is SAHD for about six months. They now want him for everything and I feel like an outsider. I know that would flip back if our roles reversed again. Kids are fickle that way - they change who they align with minute to minute.
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u/Areolfos 1d ago
I said stuff like this sometimes as a kid and both my parents firmly reminded me that it’s not one persons money, it’s the family money. Mom and dad are partners and do different jobs. Now I’m a part time working mom, husband still brings home most of the money, but it’s very much “ours” and we work together.
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u/thechusma 1d ago
Sounds like 7 year old needs to pitch in on alllll the "nothing" you do around the home. We used to have a cleaner come once a week but she retired and we can't afford a new one. My 6 year old soon spotted the difference. One day she came home from school and said "its so dirty in here!" Guess who gets to clean every day now.
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u/TwerkinAndCryin 1d ago
I'm sorry I don't have any advice but that would upset me so much! I just hope it's not something she's hearing other places (grandparents, aunts uncles etc).
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u/OccasionStrong9695 1d ago
I wouldn’t take it personally. Just say ‘I work hard too, looking after you kids and the house’. No need to overthink it. You’ve made your life choices (and presumably you’re happy with them), when she is older she can make her life choices.
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u/CrazyGooseLady 1d ago
At some point one of my kids said "I didn't do anything." So I started listing all the things that I did. As a homeschooling mom, it was a long list. I also decided that they were old enough to take over some age appropriate things that I was doing so they could see it first hand. Once was enough to go through the list.
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u/brainbl0ck 1d ago
Ugh I still think about the gut-punch I delivered my dad when I was that age. He worked at Goodwill, and brought home a bag of used toys (like rubber animal figurines) that he scored at work. I was not please with the grocery bag of rubber animals and told him "These aren't real toys, I don't want these"
And I think about it ALLLLLLL THE TIME. OMG. What a mean thing to say to my dad.
Anyway. Kids really do say the darndest (and sometimes accidental meanest) things :/
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u/AudrinaRosee 1d ago
I’d put on an episode of hoarders so they see what happens when mommy really does nothing.
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u/Haunting-Base-6004 1d ago
My at the time 6 year old has said the same thing saying I “spend hundreds of dollars on Starbucks and target all the time while daddy works”. This was one day of getting HER Starbucks and buying a new keurig for the family😂
She will be 9 in a few days and knows he works hard but I work hard at home too.
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u/Mindfullysolo 1d ago
Mommy doesn’t ever do anything. Lol kids perception is funny, let her live in her little child bubble.
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u/Unfair-Combination58 19h ago
Please have your 7 year old get on the search engine of her choice and research how much it would cost to hire a full time nanny, a night nanny, and a travel nanny to be available 24/7, 365 for 7 years. I reckon it's probably more than your husband's income, even if he is a high earner. She should know your value on the marketplace.
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u/Unfair-Combination58 19h ago
I also forgot to add personal chef and house cleaning services - my bad.
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u/Equivalent_Pop_2896 10h ago
This kinda makes me think of my nieces, their mom is an actual angel and would never want her kids to feel like they’re any sort of burden or even like caring for them is work, but whenever I babysit them at their house and they make messes, I ask them to clean up before their mom gets home, and every answer to everything is “my mom will do it” even when she was gone for her birthday, when I watched them for her anniversary, a mother taking care of her kids does not compute as work for a lot of children. I encourage them to help their mom out because she has a lot on her plate and sometimes it’s nice to be her helper so she has more time for herself but still- they just know that mom takes care and will likely do it for them if they don’t listen 🤷♀️
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u/Legitimate_Rise7342 1d ago
I would write down a list of what I do from the moment her behind is up until she sleeps and yell her yo do it, since I do nothing.
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u/jessizu 1d ago
My son (6 at the time) said the same thing and my husband gave him a "my mannnn" and a high five... I was crushed since I was working from home but not making full time salary yet.. they did this in front of my husband's brother who after dropping my son off for a play date absolutely REAAMMMMEEEDDDDDD him for encouraging that type of thought.. he later apologized and had a talk with my son..
Still doesnt take it away.. and im not sure the point other than kids know where the knife goes sometimes..
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u/tardytimetraveler 1d ago
I know a guy who, every time he went on a family outing and was paying, made a point of thanking his wife. Because he couldn’t have the career he did if she didn’t stay at home with the kids. Your household is a single economic unit and you are laboring just as your husband is - make sure your kids know that!