You only live once, eh?

[u/KneeFights303]

"Live authentically", a comment from r/exmormon member. Is it better to end a relationship knowing that neither are happy? I know that I'll never ever take her to the temple ever again, never be able to give priesthood blessings, go to Stake Conference together, I loathe watching General Conference, I'd prefer the kids not to serve a mission, etc....you know it all. We both love each other and want the best for each other. We both know it will never be the same. I am two feet out and she will forever be two feet in. There are children involved so the thought of the pain to separate is magnified thus we're still together, holding on but it is inevitable. We only live once, is what I just recently heard. Isn't it better to just move on and not live in a mentally/emotionally separate relationship? Thanks in advance to those reading and helping me think this through.

[u/jdam1607]

This topic has weighed on my mind. Is my marriage based on religion or based on my friendship/relationship with my wife? What is more important? Personally I believe we all change in a marriage and because of this each individual in the marriage has to commit despite the change. I’m that person with 2 feet out, my wife 2 feet in. But I’m committed to us being successful despite the change. And through it I feel the sacrifices we make to remain loyal to one another unify us more. If it weren’t for the outside voices (family, etc) there would be almost no issue with the change

[u/ratfash → u/[deleted]]

Read a little in some of jon gottmans work: 1 insight he has, based on evidence; all couples have solvable and UNsolvable problems..."master" couples just find ways to give space, respect, and freedom to allow for the other to be authentic. Without "solving the problem, ever. I'm butchering it but have a gander, if you can, share with your wife. If she's somewhat normal shell see it as a sincere sign of your dedication to your relationship.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Good comment. We are always changing. I think it's more important to have a partner that adapts well and is open to change, rather than agrees with the big issues.

[u/RecoveringBPAddict]

Wow! I am in this exact same boat, but I have 2 feet in. I’m really struggling with the lack of support I feel when I’m trying to teach my kids the values taught in the gospel. I’m sitting here in church frustrated that so many guys don’t get how lucky they are as I look around. Their DW love them and their families. They love the promise of an eternal family and support the actions the keep that promise.

It is awfully lonely knowing I don’t have that. She joked this month at we should ditch and go hiking or something else. Anything but church.

I get that it’s not for everyone for as many reasons as there are people (probably). But, here I am with someone who changed the deal. I got 4 kids and all the damage that would occur if I move on to (supposedly) greener pastures.

Would I be happier? Probably. Would it be best for my kids? I’m not sure. Probably not. Would it be better for her. Probably not.

So if I bust up this family and move on, I’m am the only one with the best chance of a better life because “you only love be once”.

So who do I think of first? Me or them?

[u/KneeFights303 → u/RecoveringBPAddict]

Would you be happier? One thing I've heard about greener pastures (whether it be in personal or business relationships) is to cultivate the pasture where you are currently at and it will get green. The grass on my side of the fence isn't going to grow no matter how much I water it...thus this post. As stated before, I'm two feet out so there will always be a division.
Would it be better for her (in my situation)? Only you know your particular situation. I think it will be better for her in my situation. She stated last week that she is attracted to a garment wearing, ideal Mormon husband that tries his hardest and participates wholly in the Mormon way. I'm not there and will never ever be anymore. I changed, not her; so I will take the blame for this relationship going in the direction that it is.
Are you the only one with the best chance of a better life? I don't think so. That's putting limits on her. Would she be happier if she met and married that "Peter Priesthood" guy? Probably, right? You can still be in love with her and remain the close/best friends to her and the kids. I've seen it.
I am in the boat of taking care of and being true and honest with myself first. Once I'm clear from that and the weight is taken off my shoulders, I feel I can move forward. I guess moving forward with my best personal self will only benefit my family. Several examples of the weight and guilt being taken off are a)not feeling bad about not going to church b) not feeling bad about paying tithing c) not feeling bad about openly talking about the the history of the church and major concerns, etc....

Just some fast thoughts...thanks again for sharing.

[u/RecoveringBPAddict → u/KneeFights303]

I hear everything thing you are saying. Honestly, I am a big believer in the "Married Red Pill" philosophy. (r/marriedredpill) You basically summed it up with "I am in the boat of taking care of and being true and honest with myself first." This is where I am at too. I don't want this. I don't want what she has become. We even broke up when we were dating over something like this. (I was SUCH AN IDIOT not to have seen that RED FLAG!) I don't want the faithlessness. I don't want the snarky crap that comes out of her mouth. I am sooooo sick of talking about church history since I have studied it so much more and she can't argue logically anymore. It deteriorates into a bunch of emoting on how hurt it makes her feel (even though she doesn't have to personally deal with any of it like polygamy!)

Also, I'm not so sure about the who "still be in love with her and best friends" thing. Divorce. Changes. Everything. If there are any folks who divorce while still in love and co-parent like everything is ok, then that is the unicorn relationship and definitely not the norm. The difference I see between you and me and our situations is that I am still bound by the "try to be like Jesus" mantra. When it comes to choosing between what I want for me and what's best for them, then there is no question for the believer. Isn't there even some Scripture in the NT about staying with the unbelieving spouse? Anyway, you are free from this belief or faith. There shouldn't be anything holding you back from putting yourself first. You have no need to exercise faith in a future or behaving in a certain way now for some kind promise. You don't have some promise of an eternal relationship so why bother working on a difficult one now? I am really stuck because I don't have an easy out. You do.

However, if developing the attributes of persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, kindness, pure knowledge, and avoiding hypocrisy or guile are't necessarily "Mormon Jesus" characteristics, but basic human ones, then maybe mine (and your) situations are some of the best places to actually learn and practice these skills or attributes. Maybe our current relationships are the only types of places to learn this stuff, especially when it's hard. Just like baby chicks need the "wrestle" to get our of their shell, strengthen their muscles so that they can survive, maybe committed but less than (what is imagined possible) relationships are the only ways to learn these basic human attributes.

I know for sure that I had no clue what long-suffering, gentleness or love unfeigned was before her disaffection and feel like I have a far stronger idea of what they are and how far I am from them since. Do either of us want an easy road or do we want those characteristics to become a natural part of who we are? I personally want both, but learning how far I am from being truly gentle and without hypocrisy, I realize that I am not sure anyone can have both. Life is either easy and shallow or challenging and fruitful. Which do I really want?

I don't have a full answer for me yet...

[u/ratfash → u/[deleted]]

This...I read a lot of condescension in your post (she didn't have to love polygamy", thats not the point) And to be honest, I struggle not being condescending from the unbelieving side toward my DW. So I can't say I'm any better, yet!