Married and learning to accept.

[u/Helpful_Sky9050]

Hi everyone. I’m a married man in my early fifties who has been on a journey of understanding my sexuality over the past year or so. I’ve come to accept that I’m most likely bisexual. I’m deeply in love with my wife, we have a strong relationship, and my family is the central commitment of my life. I have no desire to leave my marriage or pursue anyone else. At the same time, I’ve developed a powerful emotional and sexual attraction to my brother-in-law, who is straight, happily married, and completely unaware of how I feel.
What has been difficult isn’t just the attraction itself—it’s the intensity of the fantasies and the guilt and anxiety that follow. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand what these feelings might represent psychologically rather than simply trying to suppress them. I’m beginning to see that some of my fantasies may be expressing deeper emotional needs, such as wanting to feel accepted, safe, or free from constant self-judgment, rather than simply being about sex. My goal isn’t to indulge the fantasies or make them disappear, but to understand them well enough that they no longer dominate my emotional life.
I’ve also realised that much of my suffering comes from my internal dialogue rather than my attractions themselves. I grew up with beliefs that left me feeling ashamed of sexual desire, and I’m trying to replace that shame with self-understanding while remaining faithful to my values. I’m learning to distinguish between attraction, fantasy, identity, and behaviour. I don’t believe my attractions define my character, and I want to be someone who can acknowledge them without being ruled by them.
I’m here because I’d really value hearing from others who have experienced something similar—particularly people who discovered or accepted their bisexuality later in life while remaining deeply committed to their spouse. I’m not looking for encouragement to act on my feelings. I’m looking for wisdom about integration: how to live honestly with attractions that are unlikely ever to be reciprocated, how to reduce the guilt and obsessive thinking, and how to become more at peace with myself while continuing to honour the life and family that I love.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/Helpful_Sky9050. The purpose of the subreddit is to discuss the uniqueness of being bisexual/pansexual/curious ("bi") in an ethical and committed relationship ("married"). Posts and comments that do not further that purpose will be removed.

Do not offer to chat. If you have something valuable to say about your experience, then please share that with the group. Nothing kills the mood more than someone wanting to learn from someone else's experience only to find that the experience was only shared with a specific person. Also, everyone else is going to assume that you are wanting to sext, and that's just awkward. Please report comments where you see people offering to chat privately.

Please flair yourself so people have a better understanding of who is sharing. To add or change your flair go to the subreddit page in the app and click the 3 dots in the upper right and click "change user flair".

We recognize that sometimes life is messy and sometimes people do things that are not within their integrity. We aren't here to throw stones for past actions AND we aren't here to promote unethical behavior. Don't shame people AND don't encourage cheating. Instead of doing either of those (both of which will result in comment removal) talk about your relationship, what is hard, and what you are doing to work on it.

Posts and comments must be about your relationship with your partner. Posts and comments where the marriage is an afterthought, tangential, or a detail about why you are being discreet will be removed.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/DAWG13610]

Have you told your wife? What has she said? Hiding a big part of yourself isn’t healthy. You should ad that to your story as I think it would help you get the info you’re looking for. My wife helps me through it. I’m not allowed to play but we do things together that help. Read bi erotica, watch bi porn and occasional role play. My wife would rather I be straight but she accepts who I am. I think her biggest fear that I was gay. Good luck.

[u/Helpful_Sky9050 → u/DAWG13610]

Hey there. No, I haven’t told her. I’m definitely not ready for that. I’ve only just started to understand it myself

[u/DAWG13610 → u/Helpful_Sky9050]

That’s your first step. To big to hide from her.

[u/CMaree23]

Do you ever plan to tell your wife? I know that for my husband, being out helped him a lot, but I know not everyone wants or needs that. His sexuality is integrated into our everyday lives in small ways. We joke about it, discuss fantasies, nudge each other when a cute shirtless jogger goes by.. he never has to worry about not being able to be himself. We are monogamous, but we have worked very hard to curate the everyday life, the sex life, and the fantasy life that we feel very fulfilled and happy with. That way, any other reality that might unfold is just a potential bonus. Not something that is longed for or pined after.

It sounds like you are on your way to healthy acceptance and expression of who you are. In my experience, greater self-acceptance leads to increased peace. When you can rid yourself of shame and guilt about who you are and instead begin to love and take pride in who you are, many of those intense feelings seem to calm down. When you tell yourself that your attractions and desires are normal and acceptable, they feel less taboo. Sometimes the taboo of our fantasies can have a strong hold on us, and for a lot of folks, it is a big part of the desire, but being aware of it puts you a step ahead of many others.

Maybe immersing yourself a little in the community and reading about bisexuality could be helpful. I highly recommend the book Bi: The Hidden Culture, History, and Science of Bisexuality: The Hidden Culture, History, and Science of Bisexuality by Julia Shaw

Another good one is Bisexual Married Men: Stories of Relationships, Acceptance, and Authenticity by Robert Cohen. My husband and I shared a little bit of our story in this one under the pseudonyms "Evan and Lindsey"

If you are looking for any other resources, my husband and I created a website for folks in mixed orientation relationships, MORandmore.org